John Edwards likes to spread his seed

While the Democrats chances to recapture the White House are surely boasted by an unpopular president and a sluggish economy, the biggest break the party may have caught in 2008 is not nominating John Edwards for President. That is because the former North Carolina Senator and 2004 VP candidate has recently sired a child with a woman who is not his cancer-stricken wife.

The National Enquirer, the tabloid that reported a woman named Rielle Hunter was pregnant with Edwards's child last year, caught Edwards leaving, at 2:45 AM last Tuesday, the Los Angeles-area hotel room Hunter and the baby were staying at. According to a security guard at the hotel Edwards's face "went totally white," before the well-coiffed politician ran down the hallway and dived into a men's bathroom.

I had done a post on the rumors of Edwards infidelity -- and Rielle Hunter's bizarre connection to the book American Psycho -- last December. And it turns out all the rumors and connections are completely true.

So score for Internet rumor-mongering. Proven accurate once again.

McCain's new convention strategy

While I believe John McCain has a better than not chance of being the next President of the United States, he will face a serious obstacle on September 4th when he will be forced to address the Republican Convention in Minneapolis.

The problem won't be so much that his stance on issues such as immigration reform and global warming will be in stark contrast to most of the delegates amassed at the Xcel Energy Center, rather it will be that the delegates will all be Republicans, and they will put their differences with Arizona Senator aside and cheer him enthusiastically.

Then McCain will be forced to acknowledge the crowd's cheers, and perhaps look towards the rafters and smile at President Bush, who will be doing his own cheering from a special box. Unfortunately for McCain, cameras will capture all of this cheering and smiling and acknowledging, and the images will be beamed to homes all over America, reminding people how much they don't like a lot of the people who have just become very excited about John McCain.

There isn't a lot poor John McCain can do about this. (If some sort of devastating disaster befalls the Twin City region in late August, be very suspicious.)

His one saving grace, if you can call it that, is he will probably have his good friend Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman to introduce him. Lieberman is no great shakes, but he is not a Republican either -- in fact he ran on the Democratic ticket for Vice President just eight years ago.

But is there another failed Democratic Vice Presidential candidate out there that John McCain can recruit to help him survive Minneapolis?

Yes there is! In interviews over the last couple days, Geraldine Ferraro has given every indication she would still like to work hard to defeat Barack Obama, whose campaign she feuded with earlier in the year over race and gender issues.

Ferraro didn't add much to the Democratic ticket in 1984, but she just might be what the Republicans need to get through another hour of prime time convention coverage without alienating most of America.

With Lieberman and Ferraro on board, McCain would have the support of two out of the four living failed Democratic Vice Presidential nominees, and would only need John Edwards and Sargent Shriver to complete the set. (Mondale actually won in '76, so he doesn't count.)

Getting the endorsements of Edwards or Shriver is probably a bridge too far. Although on the off-chance McCain was able to build an insurmountable lead on Obama before the convention, Edwards could surely be convinced to jump ship with some flimsy promise of a "poverty tour." McCain might also try to get Arnold Schwarzenegger, a fellow member of the super exclusive popular Republican club, to lean on Shriver, who happens to be the action-star-turned-governor's father-in-law.

But two out of four ain't bad. In fact the slogan for the 2008 Republican Convention could be "Now With the Support of 50 Percent of the Living Failed Democratic Nominees for Vice President."

Anyone have a better one?

More bad words

In the early seventies comic George Carlin would list in his act "seven words you can never say on television." The very riff led to a Supreme Court decision which helped establish indecency standards in American broadcasting.

35 years later some of Carlin's seven words look tame, but one -- "cunt" -- still jumps out as highly taboo. At least on this side of the Atlantic.

This morning Jane Fonda, ever the in-your-face revolutionary, shocked millions by dropping an uncensored and completely casual "cunt" on NBC's Today Show during a discussion of her rationale behind doing the play The Vagina Monologues.

Fonda hasn't been the only one getting salty with descriptions of female anatomy. Earlier this week Mark Halperin, a senior political analyst for Time Magazine and ABC News, used the word "pussy" (not one of Carlin's seven) when describing on a satellite radio show what John Edwards thinks of Barack Obama -- and why Edwards might buck current trends and throw his support behind Hillary Clinton.

Last night Halperin apologized for his language, while strongly implying it was his zest for reporting Edwards's words accurately which led him astray.

If this is true, wow. It's one thing to be pimped out by Hillary Clinton, but to be called a pussy by John "I can't go anywhere without my compact and hairbrush" Edwards?

I wonder what Edwards would have said if he knew the word "cunt" had become available?

He's no Chuck Norris

This morning, John Kerry's endorsement of Barack Obama may have sent a ripple or two through the political establishment. While Kerry always makes me think of windsurfing, and how different his skull would look from that of a normal skull, here is what the three remaining Democratic candidates for President are thinking about 2004's Democratic nominee right now:

John Edwards Bummer. It was only four years ago the other John and I were touring the country together. Not since the heyday of folk-pop stars Evan and Jaron had either America seen such a luminously haired duo. Where did we go wrong?

Barack Obama Wow, this whole Kerry endorsement thing is actually getting some media play. Should we distance ourselves from it? I guess we'll let it go. But if I hear a word about Bob Shrum . . .

Hillary Clinton (Turns to the camera and sniffles) The boys . . . they're ganging up on me again.

Iowans get the best swag

In an effort to get out the vote in Iowa, Hillary Clinton's campaign will be offering free babysitters for caucus-going families with young children. With the first true test of the 2008 political season less than a day away, what will the other contenders be offering their supporters as an incentive to brave the crisp Midwestern cold and do their civic duty?

John Edwards: A hairstylist.

As a former trial lawyer, John Edwards knows great hair goes a long way towards influencing people. Which is why the Edwards' campaign doesn't want a hair out of place when it comes time for its supporters to win over any caucus goer whose preferred candidate wasn't able to reach the "viability threshold." Edwards was going to provide his own personal stylist for the mass grooming, but couldn't make the numbers work when he learned campaigns are only spending about 200 dollars per caucus vote this year.

Barack Obama: An audacious bag of hope.

The brilliance of this particular get-out-vote giveaway is that nobody has the foggiest idea what a bag of hope -- and especially an audacious bag of hope -- looks like. This makes it that much easier for the Obama campaign to give the mysterious gift to every man, woman and caucus-eligible 17-year old in the state of Iowa.

Mike Huckebee: A twelve-gauge shotgun.

Huckebee was seriously considering giving his supporters shotguns as a reminder that the Arkansas Governor is the only avid hunter and authentic Republican in the race. But instead he held a press conference to announce he had decided not to give away the guns because he isn't the type to run a campaign that distributes firearms. He probably still will. So if by any chance Cheney makes a surprise appearance, watch out.

Mitt Romney: One of his boys.

Not only will a Romney son babysit your kids on caucus night, but, after that, you can just keep him! With their aversions to any job a member of the working class might be forced to take, good luck getting a Romney boy to help out on the family farm. Still, a junior Romney won't steal your liquor and will meticulously explain to you and all your neighbors the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Other Spears pregnant -- and not by John Edwards

For the last couple days there have been swirling whispers concerning Jamie-Lynn Spears, the Nickelodeon actress and 16-year-old sister of famous troubled person Britney Spears, and being pregnant. Unlike similar chatter surrounding mega-popular tween triple threat Miley Cyrus the Jamie-Lynn rumors have turned out to be true.

It is no surprise that in a culture which hypes the social significance of movies such as Knocked Up and Juno, and breathlessly details the latest status of J-lo's "baby bump," the kids would want to try it to. And what else is a teenager to do when Guitar Hero 3 is sold out in stores? Jamie-Lynn met her 19-year-old baby-daddy to be at church.

I always think it's weird when celebrities have kids because it makes them seem so much like people. But, as more and more of our youngest stars find themselves with child, we will get to learn how early motherhood effects those who grew up with agents and tutors. Will it make them more or less likely to morph into tabloid selling trainwrecks with world famous vaginas? Luckily for us we be allowed to see this fascinating question for our time answered in real time. That I can guarantee.

(Speaking of surprising pregnancies, you may start hearing more and more about a woman named Rielle Hunter. This was my take on her a couple months ago.)

Edwards went where Patrick Bateman has been?

Carefully worded rumors of John Edwards and an extramarital affair have been percolating on the Internet for the last few weeks. Today they finally boiled over into enough spheres of legitimacy that the Edwards' camp is issuing denials. Now that the cat is out of the bag, I'd like to share something I realized about alleged other woman Rielle Hunter.

After writing Bright Lights, Big City, 80's lit sensation Jay McInerney wrote a far less well-known book titled Story Of My Life. What I remember about the book (and why I remember it) was that it was done first person from the perspective of a slutty, drugged-out party girl named Alison Poole. I was writing a lot of fiction at the time, and always found it difficult to write female characters. So, to me, McInerney convincingly doing so for an entire book was a neat trick

It must have also impressed fellow 80's lit sensation Brett Easton Ellis, because he wrote McInerney's Alison Poole right into the cultural earthquake that was American Psycho. Being it was American Psycho, Poole's scene was short and includes brutal sodomy -- and the Kentucky Derby, if memory serves.

While McInerney and Ellis were friends, it always bothered me that Ellis had his fictional creation do what he did to McInerney's fictional creation. It seemed the height of disrespect.

Especially since fictional characters are often based on real people. And McInerney admits Alison Poole was directly based on his girlfriend at the time: Rielle Hunter. The same one who is now, 20 odd years later, tangled up with John Edwards.

If the rumors are true, Hunter doesn't give Edwards the Presidential gravitas a Marylin Monroe would. But anytime you share a woman with the great Patrick Bateman it's got to be worth something. Given American Psycho's continued popularity on college campuses, maybe even something with those elusive young cell-phone-only Iowans that everyone craves.

Hillary has a bad week, solidifies lead

For the first time during this elongated presidential season Hillary Clinton has looked vulnerable. Following a lackluster performance at a New Hampshire debate last week, Hillary found her signature "cackle" -- the one she employees to deflect unpleasant questions -- or to signal to the humans that she might be one of them -- being mocked and dissected everywhere from the New York Times to The Daily Show. On top of that, her campaign's ruthless (and secretive) handling of fundraising and the press has been coming under increased scrutiny.

So this should be a good time for her Democratic rivals, right?

Wrong. In fact the latest national polling shows Hillary with her largest primary lead yet. And from what I can gather main challenger Barak Obama's entire electoral strategy is now dependent on turning out 17-year old caucus eligible Iowans who only use cell phones.

Still, whether it is because they don't want to attack a woman, or are afraid of women, or are afraid of Clintons, or harbor some sort of misguided Quixote-like sense of "elevated" campaign rhetoric, the other Democrats seeking the presidency remain reluctant to attack the former First Lady directly.

But that doesn't mean they won't lash out at each other. And lash out was what John Edwards did today, accusing Barack Obama of stealing this ideas.

Now you could make the argument that Barack Obama isn't the most nimble of politicians -- here is a man who, despite being blessed with as much money, publicity and positive buzz as any new political figure in recent memory, has only lost momentum since his introduction as a national candidate. But I'm sure even Obama realizes you are not going to get anywhere stealing John Edwards's ideas. You know, the same ideas that have seen Edwards max out at around 20 percent support in two primary cycles.

So what exactly are these pilfered"ideas?" Well, Edwards's campaign cites "health care," "poverty" and "eliminating nuclear weapons."

Without getting into a philosophical discussion of how an "idea" is formed and who, if anybody, owns an "idea," I will say I do get why Edwards's campaign wants to present Obama as a "thief" on health care and poverty. But nuclear disarmament?

Big during the Cold War, nuclear disarmament has disappeared as a political talking point during recent years. In part because the countries we are most worried about on that front probably don't yet have nuclear weapons to disarm, and, even if they did, aren't known to respect treaties. And in part because if the completely unobtainable goal of true nuclear disarmament were to be reached it would be ultimately most beneficial to the country with the most powerful military without nukes. Since this country is the United States, it's hard to believe an American president would get very far pushing reciprocal nuclear disarmament on the world stage.

Maybe Obama will strike back against Edwards's copy cat charges by claiming the former North Carolina Senator is ripping off his ideas on how to stop stagflation.

Hillary might hit a couple more rough spots before the convention in Denver, but she is sure to keep benefiting from the consistent ineffectualness of her competition.

John Edwards is a big but ineffective phony

Tough day for Presidential hopeful John Edwards, as the editorial editor at South Carolina's largest paper blasted Edwards, who was born in the Palmetto state, for being a "big phony."

The detailed column was linked all over the Internet -- probably because the charge that Edwards is less than genuine on a grand scale resonates with many of those who have seen Edwards in action.

Not surprisingly, the former North Carolina Senator's talkative wife Elizabeth has a different take on what might be preventing her husband's campaign from catching fire. She claims Edwards is having trouble getting news coverage because he lacks the racial and gender novelty of his two main Democratic rivals. "We can't make John black, we can't make him a woman," Elizabeth laments.

Technically correct. Although that doesn't mean John shouldn't try.

People have been telling Hillary Clinton she isn't black her whole life. But did that stop the North Side of Chicago Methodist from channeling the colorful lilt of a Baptist minister from Birmingham when she addressed a black audience?

Likewise, Rudy Giuliani bears even less resemblance to a woman than your typical aging bald man does. Yet when was the last time the former mayor of New York passed up an opportunity to put on lipstick and pantyhose?

Not only have Clinton's and Giuliani's racial and gender voyeurism garnered them the attention Edwards craves, but black people and women seem to appreciate their efforts: Hillary is polling well with African Americans, despite the presence of Barack Obama, and Rudy can boast surprisingly strong support among women who aren't his ex-wives or daughter.

Poor John Edwards can't even get his phoniness right.

Elizabeth Edwards: My hubby is prettier than Hillary

Right now, over on Drudge, there is all sorts of fun being had with an interview Elizabeth Edwards gave to Salon. In the interview the wannabe first lady "unloads" on the former first lady, claiming Hillary Clinton wouldn't be a good advocate for woman if elected president.

While I find Drudge's current headline, Gender Bender: Wife Edwards Says Hillary 'Behaving Like A Man,' to be thoroughly tabloidtastic, I do think it may be oversimplifying Elizabeth Edwards's position to the point of misconstruing it. Shocking!

Edwards, once a high powered lawyer, was actually saying she knows what it is like to be the only woman in the room. And that she sympathizes with the need to reassure the male power-brokers that you are up to the task by, among other things, avoiding any talk of what could be perceived as "women's issues."

Despite this, one would figure if Hillary was elected president she would at least be a little bit more attentive to the lady matters than, oh, every single other president in US history. But that's not all of Edwards's argument. She also posits that her husband John, specifically, would be more in touch with the special needs of women than Hillary and the long train of presidents past.

Mrs. Edwards doesn't offer anything remotely convincing as to why this is. She doesn't need to. We have all seen the video.

Dems prefer Edwards to Coulter!

John Edwards might look good in front of a jury or on the cover of Men's Vogue but, whenever Edwards is contrasted with another politician, the public has quickly found the politician not named John Edwards more attractive.

For a man who seeks the presidency this is a very bitter pill to swallow. And who else has had the misfortune of having to, in his maiden run for national office, match up against such glowing towers of charisma as John Kerry and Dick Cheney? I'm sure Edwards is thinking, "if I could only catch a break."

Well, you make your own breaks in this world and Edwards, a bootstrap case he'll tell you himself, has grown tired of waiting for the political system to throw him a manageable foil, and has gone out and found one on his own.

OK, Ann Coulter isn't really a politician -- but she does write and talk about politics. And, I guess, Edwards didn't really find Ann Coulter -- she started it by calling him a faggot. But the point is Edwards is totally crushing Coulter in the Democratic primary.

So much more popular is Edwards than Coulter, among Democrats, that Edwards is able to fundraise by simply mentioning Coulter's name and implying the damage a Coulter presidency would have on the nation.

The Edwards campaign calls these spoils "Coulter cash." While this revenue flow might not carry the same value as the "Wall Street cash" or the "Hollywood cash" a Clinton or an Obama collects, Edwards is probably better off than the candidate forced to live off "Ingraham cash" or "Schlessinger cash."

Edwards's match up with Coulter has done so much more for him than just raise funds. It has also shown the nation that, as president, Edwards wouldn't back down from a mean person. In fact, President Edwards would go so far as to get his wife to call the mean person and ask said mean person if they would please refrain from being so mean. Kim Jong Il, watch out!

If Edwards is lucky -- and he certainly deserves a little luck -- Rush Limbaugh will continue the former North Carolina's Senator's momentum by calling him "sparkly" or "fruity" or "moist."

John Edwards now lives in a third America

John Edward just can't stop making money. The millionaire trial lawyer is so blessed with monetary good fortune even his love of poor people leads him to 55,000 dollar a pop speeches on poverty to public universities.

But this latest twist is too much. Last week Odyssey Marine Exploration found 500,000 silver coins and other artifacts -- one of the largest maritime recoveries in modern history -- inside a 17th-century Spanish galleon, sunk in an undisclosed Atlantic Ocean location.

And who will benefit from this 500 million dollar booty . . ?

John fricken' Edwards!

Actually the Edwards' campaign has to yet disclose (what a surprise) how much Edwards is due, but the presidential candidate is listed as a senior advisor and a major investor in Fortress Investments, the New York-based firm which owns at least 10 percent of Odyssey Marine Exploration.

Maybe it's time Edwards introduces a third America: The America where financial luck never stops smiling on the already rich to the tune of lottery wins, inheritance from long-lost relatives and even the rare multi-million dollar shipwreck find.

Snap Judgement: Democrats in South Carolina

Last night, I was among a tiny minority of people who saw the first Democratic debate. Not including the folks in the crowd, accredited journalists, and South Carolinians looking for Simpson's reruns or Wheel of Fortune, I might have been the only person who watched the proceedings. So I should probably pass along what I witnessed:

First and foremost, eight candidates is way too many for a debate. With that many participants, it ceases to be a debate at all. Instead it was series of inconsistent, and somewhat unbalanced, questions to the candidates.

Much of Brian Williams's moderation annoyed me. At times it was like he wanted to put the candidates through an obstacle course, rather than let them introduce themselves and their policies. I was especially bothered when he asked how they would respond if two US cities were destroyed by nuclear devices. That's quite a question, so early. I think, in this weeding out process, the electorate would be better to served to learn what the candidates would do if one US city was leveled by a nuke. I worry this kind of escalation means when we get to the presidential debates next year there will be questions like "what would you do if the entire West Coast was swallowed by a tsunami and you find yourself caught in a bear trap?"

That being said, all the top and middle tier candidates did fairly well. Of the big three Hillary was the best prepared and offered the most thoughtful answers. Though she does have a legitimate problem with her voice. The word "grating" is tossed around a lot. Part of it has do with her being a woman and we (men and women) aren't used to hearing a higher pitched female voice in a position of authority. And part of it is her particular female voice can be particularly grating.

Hillary is able to control her pitch most of the time -- which only makes the screechy flare ups that much starker. I've been hearing a lot of about a Southern accent she keeps in her back pocket. Maybe she should try it out full-time and see if it works.

Edwards and Obama were solid. Edwards did almost choke on the softball question of "who's your moral compass," and anyone coming in the with impression Obama was the next great orator would have been disappointed in his middling performance .

I've noticed a lot written this morning about how well the second-tier guys, Biden, Dodd and Richardson, presented themselves. I do agree on Dodd, who comes off as competent and smart, and Biden, who seems likeable and innovative. Richardson was more of a mixed bag. He did a good job of separating himself from the others on guns and taxes, and was able to stress his foreign policy experience, but he appeared uncomfortable and sweaty on stage, and was the candidate most likely to run long, or not really answer the question asked.

Then there was former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel. He's funny in an old-guy-who-sounds-like-he's-about-to-hit-you way. That humor only goes so far. The Democrats, if their desire is to be taken seriously, would be wise not to invite him to any more debates.

Nothing changed last night. Because of the crowded stage, there were fewer opportunities for one of the campaign damaging gaffes the candidates were trying, above all else, to avoid. A mission each was able to accomplish.

Edwards taunted again

On the Iowa campaign trail, Barack Obama has been regularly referring to fellow presidential aspirant John Edwards as "kind of handsome."

Obama isn't quite stating his own opinion -- he's channeling the impression he thinks an Iowa caucus goer would have of Edwards.

There's nothing wrong with that. Anyone faced with a two-year campaign marathon would shake things up with a little role playing now and then. Although I'm sure Mrs. Edwards thinks John is unequivocally handsome, and Obama has scolded journalists about the unseriousness of pointing out his own supposed good looks in the past.

Only Obama changed things up during a recent Iowa stop and referred to Edwards as "kind of cute."

Now there are certain things a man -- unless that man has a Mike Tyson-level of insanity and punching power -- simply should not call another rival man, no matter what the circumstance or scenario. And "kind of cute" is close to the top of that list.

The fact that Obama thinks it is OK to say this constitutes a cultural misunderstanding so severe that it shifts the debate from whether Obama is authentically African-American to whether Obama -- who spent his formative elementary school years in Indonesia -- is American at all.

Or, it could be, John Edwards needs to wrestle an alligator or pistol whip Bill Richardson and quick --because it's not just right-wing, self-promoting harpy types who can't help but to imply John Edwards is a sissy.