Nexus of the universe?

Because of its mysterious symptoms and the fact some people don't believe it really exists, I like to think of Lyme Disease as the conspiracy theory of bacterial infections.

Because of all the gleeful speculation on nefarious plots he elicits from the black helicopter crowd whose ranks he has personally increased by many fold, I like to think of George W. Bush as the conspiracy theory of presidents.

So what happens when the conspiracy theory of presidents is infected with the conspiracy theory of bacterial infections? And what happens if that president has been allegedly hiding the alleged disease -- which allegedly causes cognitive defects -- from the public for at least a year?

I don't know, but I can't wait to find out what Cheney had to do with it.

The grassy knoll strikes back

It's almost like, these days, you can't log onto your computer and go to a popular video sharing site and type in a phrase like "September 11" or "Princess Diana" or "Apollo Moon Landing" without having some wild eyed lunatic get up in your face, spouting crazy talk about how everything you previously thought was wrong, and it all goes back to a secret alliance between the Saudi Royal Family, the Zionists, Cheney and Tom Cruise.

Well the Lohan camp also just wants "the truth to come out," and had the good sense to dispatch a wild eyed "family insider" to Entertainment Tonight for the purpose of setting the record straight on the beleaguered actress's DUI and coke arrest. All the goodness is documented in this two minute clip, but I've summarized the key points of lunacy for those in a rush or who are easily hypnotized.

* Lindsay's "maternal" instincts kicked in once she noticed one of her younger assistants was "disheveled." Which explains the early morning car chase through the streets of Santa Monica. Yet . . .

* "We don't know if Lindsay was behind the wheel. Nobody actually saw Lindsay driving!"

* While the "insider" conceded Lindsay had fallen off the wagon in terms of the demon rum, she strenuously denied the drug allegations. Explaining away the inconvenient truth that there was cocaine found in Lindsay's pocket by claiming "apparently Lindsay's wasn't even sure whose clothing she was wearing."

It is in the last point I realized what a sophisticated spin machine the truth as it appeared to be is up against. Because the basis for any effective conspiracy theory is a statement which is at first absurd, but, upon deeper reflection, becomes a little less absurd.

So yeah, the "those aren't my pants" defense against a narcotic possession rap is usually as probable as the one about the dog and the homework. But is it that improbable that Lindsay Lohan put on the wrong pair of pants?

I blame Oliver Stone.

Eddie Griffins can't drive

On Monday Undercover Brother Eddie Griffin considerably raised his profile by wrecking a rare 1.5 million dollar Ferrari Enzo during a charity event promoting his next movie, Redline.

Today there are increasing grumbles that the wreck was staged. While I certainly think there is a chance the whole thing was a publicity stunt -- especially considering it was Redline producer Daniel Sadek's car -- the conspiracy theorists prove, once again, they flunk basic logic -- even when they may be right.

The consensus among the doubters is that when the man doesn't flinch as the Ferrari hits the barrier (here is the video) it proves he had prior knowledge of the crash. Yet I say what person in his right mind would stand on the other side of a two foot wall when he knows a car is about to hit that barrier at a speed fast enough to lift the vehicle in the air and total it?

That's neither here nor there because I'm beginning to suspect there is something far more sinister afoot.

Regular readers of this space will remember the last time I covered a spectacular car crash was back in July. What set this previous crash apart wasn't so much rarity and cost of the automobile destroyed, but the oddity and the stupidity of the driver's behavior: He was drunk, watching pornography and masturbating when he barreled his vehicle into a parked SUV.

The randy multitasker was a power forward for the Minnesota Timberwolves who goes by the name of . . . Eddie Griffin.

Coincidence?

Whoever smelt it dealt it

Speaking in front of the United Nations, Hugo Chavez isn't able to control his sulfur-like flatulence.

Then he tries to pin it on Bush.

Bin Laden desperately tries to reclaim 9/11

As the five year anniversary of 9/11 approaches, new polling data suggests 36 percent of Americans believe federal officials assisted in the 9/11 terrorist attacks or deliberately took no action to stop them. Another 43 percent hold Saddam Hussein personally responsible for the attacks on the Twin Towers and the Pentagon.

I'm going to go out on limb and say the 36 percent who believe America aided in 9/11 and the 43 percent who place the blame on Saddam are fairly disparate population groups -- meaning somewhere between 60 and 70 percent of Americans think either the US government or Saddam had a hand in 9/11.

These surveys may have exposed us Americans as a gullible lot, but they have also clearly rankled once-alleged 9-11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden.

And what a surprise, we suddenly have a new tape that shows Bin Laden meeting with some of the 9/11 hijackers and Al Qaeda discussing 9/11 before it happened.

After setting the bar pretty high as a terrorist mastermind, Bin Laden is in a deep slump. With other viable "Islamofacist" options emerging to capture the imagination of the Muslim world, there couldn't be worse time for the great Satan -- the source of so much of Al Qaeda's legitimacy -- to go wobbly on the idea that Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda had the stuff to pull off 9/11 solo -- or even it all.

So I would like to think these poll numbers are actually part of a concerted, bipartisan psych ops campaign the American people are waging against Osama and his Al Qaeda network.

Of course, thinking that would be as ridiculous as . . .

Cynthia McKinney -- back to the drawing board

Cynthia McKinney likes attention. And she's been good at getting it. I doubt I could identify more than 50 of the 435 members of the United States House of Representative by name and region, but McKinney from Atlanta comes pretty quickly.

She has earned her spot in my consciousness with antics such as continuously implying the Bush administration had something to do with 9/11, fraternizing with enemies of the United States, striking an officer of the law with a closed fist and pushing a theory that links the assassination of Martin Luther King to that of Jack and Robert Kennedy -- and possibly Tupac Shaker.

Further research into that intriguing deduction will have to go on without the resources of the Congressional Library because, on Tuesday, McKinney was defeated in the primary runoff for the seat she holds.

She tried her darndest to keep the spotlight in defeat by singing, and having her entourage go all Mel Gibson on the press. While Gibson's efforts grabbed headlines, McKinney's fizzled.

She can also blame a Jew -- fellow ousted incumbent Joe Lieberman, for her lack of primary press love.

McKinney isn't giving up. Now she has jumped on the Diebold bandwagon,* blaming the evil machines for her defeat.

We have heard this before, usually from the supporters of a candidate who has lost a close election. McKinney trailed her opponent by 18 points when all was said and done.

Consider this post an acknowledgment and appreciation of past wackiness. But if citizen McKinney ever wants to get another one she needs to do better than voter fraud in a blow-out election.

I wouldn't bet against her.

*The best part of this breathless, rambling report from the Atlanta Progressive News is they fail at any point to mention the 18 point margin.

Idle threat of the week

Oscar winning actor/director Mel Gibson has ended pop sensation Justin Timberlake's three week lock on the idle threat of the week.

Gibson made headlines over the weekend for bizarre behavior following his arrest on suspicion of drunk driving early Friday morning in Malibu, CA.

Somewhat lost in the haze of statements such as "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," was a barrage of idle threats Gibson directed towards a Los Angeles County sheriff that included, but weren't limited to, disturbing sexual scenarios.

Taken alone, the threats weren't particular noteworthy. Officers of the law deal with this type of langauge whenever they arrest someone who has been mixing drunk with crazy.

But Gibson's combination of idle threats and out-of-context anti-Semitism was striking in its similarity to the rhetoric that emanates from the Government of Iran. So much so that our judges, experts in recognizing verbal patterns in idle threats, have concluded there is a high probability Gibson is in cahoots with the Islamic Republic.

Why Gibson would want to cast his lot with Tehran is beyond me, but it is obvious why the Iranian government would want to work with Gibson. Not only can he act as their West Coast spokesperson, but his impeccable post-apocalyptic credentials would be of great benefit to Iran when the world ends after the coming of the Hidden Imam.

Now we are left to ponder if Mad Mel was acting alone in Malibu, or if was he under instruction from Teheran to create a diversion so they could get on with their nuclear program.

Methamphetamine madness

A survey by The National Association of Counties, released yesterday, claims methamphetamines are the nation's primary drug problem. Usually when the press reports a new piece of information on the so-called "meth epidemic" skeptical Jack Shafer over at Slate demystifies the information and then debunks the reporting. I am going to do him one better:

There is no such thing as crystal meth.

I'm sure it exists as a chemical compound, and they probably have a type of methamphetamine locked behind those closet-sized hospital medicine cabinets. But crystal meth is not a drug one can purchase illegally from a drug dealer.

It is a myth. Just like the Bogeyman, Bigfoot and Tom Cruise's new baby

While it's true I haven't spent much time at the gay club or in Iowa City, I still know all sorts of people and have seen all sorts of things. Yet, I've never seen any crystal meth, nor have I ever known anyone who has been involved with this most dangerous of drug.

I think I might know someone who knows someone who claims to have done meth once. But if you allow the people who know the people you know dictate reality you will lose touch with it quickly.

So what is the point of this supposed meth epidemic? Your typical conspiracy theorist would conjure up a plot to divert funds to local law enforcement and sustain large federal programs. I'm going to do them one better:

It is actually a plot by so-called "meth users" to justify and elicit sympathy for their dangerous orgies and robbery sprees.

And their bad teeth.