JSB tries its hand at Freakonomics

Yesterday, to gin up attention for the migration of his popular Freakonomics blog to the New York Times, Steven Levitt answered the question If You Were a Terrorist, How Would You Attack. Like many, I was disturbed Levitt would use his finely toned contrarian mind and his brand new access to the paper of record to provide our enemies with a blueprint for what is surely the most market rational terror plan ever conceived. Levitt even opens up the forum for suggestions from the Times's famously well-educated readership!

But, let's face it, pondering the question Levitt posed is something we all do when we are in the privacy of our friends. I found it particularly heartwarming that Levitt came to his final conclusion -- it involved teams of snipers -- after it was suggested by his dear old dad.

I'm also starting to get the feeling the terrorists might not actually hate us. It's possible they merely dislike us. Or what if they really love us, but -- like an awkward confused school boy -- they are still developing the maturity to properly express the depth of their feelings. This analogy would get disturbing if I were to draw it out any further.

Still, better safe than sorry. That's why I would never use this space to remind my al-Qaeda readership how dependent lazy Americans are on their automobiles. And how crippling strikes to all of our nation's motor vehicle departments would grind America to a slothful halt.

Any good jihadi knows of America's atrocious history of race relations. But do they know that these days the only thing preventing America from an all out race-war is the wisdom of Al Sharpton? They didn't hear it here.

I'm sure laughter rings out in the caves of Tora Bora whenever Bin Laden gets his hands on the latest study showing the average American high school student reads English at the level of a Bulgarian fourth grader. Given this, the American university system's continued ability to chug out the leaders and innovators required for the next American century must frustrate and confuse the terrorist mastermind. Is he aware this discrepancy can all be attributed to the efforts of a handful of college professors who snap our know-nothing 18-year olds out of their secondary school funk with tough love and failing grades?

I doubt it. That's why I'm not telling him. And I would never give out any of these professors' home addresses. Even if he asked.

Sometimes when the terrorists win, we all win

The defining characteristic of the marriage of Salman Rushdie, a writer, and Padma Lakshmi, a model and TV host, is that she looks like a model and he looks like frog.

There is little more upsetting than a really good looking person having sex with a really ugly person. It's not quite on par with bestiality, but it's too close for comfort. The practice is reviled by the good looking and ugly alike.

Rushdie married Lakshmi in 2004, at a time when the urgency behind the million dollar fatwa the Iranian government issued against Rushdie for blasphemy had long faded. But the jihadist's fervor reignited last month after Rushdie was awarded a Knightship by the Queen of England.

Suddenly, as Lakshmi considered the pros and cons of her marriage, she was forced to add the chance of fiery death to the amphibian aesthetic she was already weighing against her husband's fame and top notch literary mind.

It didn't take long for that camel's back to break, and Lakshmi filed for divorce today.

So the terrorists, by ending Rushdie's and Lakshmi's unholy union, have succeeded where countless snarky blog posts and jealous whispers have failed. But, really, isn't this a victory for all of us? And, if so, could it be we have more in common, the terrorists and us, than previously believed?

Idle threat of the week

The terror threat -- being a threat -- has always been a natural for the panel of judges to consider when deciding Idle Threat of the Week. But, despite our expertise in threats of all sorts, we always tread lightly when it comes to terrorism.

Partly, this is because it is very hard to get a proper gauge on a terror threat's veracity -- or lack there of -- when almost all discussion of it is soaked in politics. And, partly, because fate is tempted when you officially pass judgement on something, potentially, so grave.

But, at its heart, the Idle Threat of the Week is an assessment of what has happened in the previous seven days, not necessarily a harbinger of the future.

That in mind, and now that British authorities have linked the Glasgow quasi-bombers to the London non-bombers, the panel was forced to brave the murky waters and risk karmic retribution by considering the actions of these bumbling conspirators.

The terrorists, using an odd mix of surprisingly luxurious automobiles and pitifully low-end incineration techniques, managed, despite rigging three separate cars with explosives and getting them to crowded areas, to kill no one and cause very little property damage. In fact the only injury was to one of the terrorists, who set himself on fire, and then suffered the indignity having his burning body publicly extinguished as his plan went up in smoke.

And so we have been forced, reluctantly, to award the London/Glasgow "bombers" Idle Threat of the Week for June 25 to July 1. We would now advise that the general public avoid proximity to any member of the panel for at least the next couple months.

The legend of Ron Mexico continues

Late word, last night was Michael Vick tried to sneak a water bottle with a secret compartment containing a "small amount of dark particulate and a pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana" through the security gate at Miami Dade Airport.

While the Atlanta Falcons' quarterback has never been known for his decision making, attempting to bring an illegal substance through airport security by stashing it in something -- a water bottle over three ounces -- the TSA still has on its prohibited items list is stupid on the rare invading-Russia-in-winter or marrying-Courtney-Love level.

This will not be Vick's first brush with our legal system. Two years back he was involved in a civil case that alleged Vick goes around the greater Atlanta area infecting young women with Herpes Simplex 2.

It was further detailed Vick knew he had the disease but used the pseudonym "Ron Mexico" to hide his identity when he got treatment.

I remember feeling bad for Vick at the time. I would hate to be a prominent person forced to go around with a big scarlet "H" around my neck.

But it would have its advantages: If, for example, you wanted to smuggle a very small amount of marijuana onto an airplane you could stick the weed in your underwear.

And figure that's a place the typical airport screener would be even more reluctant to go.

Bin Laden desperately tries to reclaim 9/11

As the five year anniversary of 9/11 approaches, new polling data suggests 36 percent of Americans believe federal officials assisted in the 9/11 terrorist attacks or deliberately took no action to stop them. Another 43 percent hold Saddam Hussein personally responsible for the attacks on the Twin Towers and the Pentagon.

I'm going to go out on limb and say the 36 percent who believe America aided in 9/11 and the 43 percent who place the blame on Saddam are fairly disparate population groups -- meaning somewhere between 60 and 70 percent of Americans think either the US government or Saddam had a hand in 9/11.

These surveys may have exposed us Americans as a gullible lot, but they have also clearly rankled once-alleged 9-11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden.

And what a surprise, we suddenly have a new tape that shows Bin Laden meeting with some of the 9/11 hijackers and Al Qaeda discussing 9/11 before it happened.

After setting the bar pretty high as a terrorist mastermind, Bin Laden is in a deep slump. With other viable "Islamofacist" options emerging to capture the imagination of the Muslim world, there couldn't be worse time for the great Satan -- the source of so much of Al Qaeda's legitimacy -- to go wobbly on the idea that Osama Bin Laden and Al Qaeda had the stuff to pull off 9/11 solo -- or even it all.

So I would like to think these poll numbers are actually part of a concerted, bipartisan psych ops campaign the American people are waging against Osama and his Al Qaeda network.

Of course, thinking that would be as ridiculous as . . .

The ballad of Conrad Burns

Finding himself in a surprisingly tight race for re-election, due to his well-documented ties to a disgraced former lobbyist and his well-publicized struggles with on-the-job narcolepsy, Montana Senator Conrad Burns is fighting back with a barrage of bizarre behavior and inflammatory statements.

This type of extreme electioneering is unusual in American politics, but is not without precedent. Only two years ago another incumbent Republican Senator, Jim Bunning of Kentucky, rode a similar technique to victory. Although, it should be noted, the Hall-of-Fame right hander started out with a huge lead and was probably suffering from dementia.

While the casual observer might fall into the trap of thinking Burns has also lost his mind, a more careful analysis reveals hints of a strategy.

Burns kicked things off earlier in the summer when he accosted a group of tired out-of-state firefighters in a Billings airport and publicly admonished them for doing a poor job on the brush fires they had flown to Montana to help fight.

I like what Burns was trying to do here. Since 9/11 the glorification of the firefighter has been out of control. Especially when it's obvious firefighters are just a bunch of reckless pyromaniacs, extremely lucky that their psychosis can be channeled into something useful to society. The firefighter should be thanking us everyday for the accidental fires we set -- which keep them out of the looney bin.

Unfortunately -- and maybe it's because we are so close to the five year anniversary of 9/11 -- the voters of Montana weren't ready to accept this reality. The former cattle auctioneer's poll numbers dipped.

He followed that up with a story about "a nice little Guatemalan man" who paints his house. Burns became worried the man was in this country illegally and demanded to see his papers. Again, Burns is on to something. In this country we are too quick to blame the illegal immigrant for wanting to a better life. Shouldn't it be the responsibility of the employer to follow the law of the land.

This time Burns's important message was lost in the words that he chose. Three terms in the melting pot of Washington DC had tricked Burns into thinking his constituents back home would know what a Guatemalan is. When, in fact, to a Montanan "Guatemalan"sounds like a Maccaca-like slur against Hispanics or a dish you get at Houston's.

This plays right into Burns's repetition as either a racist or someone so senile he would confuse a day-laborer with an appetizer. Again, the poll numbers slide.

But I really think his campaign hit its stride last week when he said the terrorists drive taxi cabs by day and commit acts of terror by night. I might not be a Montana voter, but I have been looking for ways to aid our war on terror for years. Since I often ride in taxi cabs at night I now know that by keeping the terrorists on the street I have probably prevented numerous acts of death and destruction. This realization gave me an incredible sense of self-worth as well as new-found good-will towards the man who showed me the light.

Will Montana voters feel the same way? While some would argue only a very confused terrorist would target The Big Sky state, Montana has been a consistent recipient of 9/11 and anti-terror money, thus it behooves the state's residences to pretend this is viable scenario.

By empowering the citizens of Montana to help fight an imaginary war on terror, simply by calling and hailing cabs at night, Burns may have stumbled upon a winning issue. We don't have any poll numbers since his revelation, but expect good news for the Burns camp and six more restful years as a United States Senator for Conrad Burns.

I love the 80's -- The Osama bin Laden edition

It turns out super-villain Osama bin Laden harbors a not-so-secret flame for Whitney Houston. Whitney's been looking a little ragged lately, but as far as the medieval cave-dweller is concerned it is still 2001 and Whitney hasn't crawled that far up the crack pipe.

Like any good American, I've been trying to figure out how our government could exploit Osama's crush. Suddenly it came to me in the form another cultural touchstone of the 80's, the John Hughes film Sixteen Candles.

Towards the end of the movie big-man-on-campus Jake Ryan convinces his prom queen girlfriend that the school-geek Farmer Ted is actually him just by telling the hopelessly inebriated blonde that he is Farmer Ted and Farmer Ted is he. So convincing was this simple technique the evening ends with a pleasurable sexual experience for Farmer Ted.

I figure all we need to do is convince Whitney Houston that Osama Bin Laden is actually her long-time hubby, bad-boy Bobby Brown. This should be no problem as long as the government keeps plying the former pop princess with CIA grade crack. (They'd also have to get her a little sun and fatten her up intravenously so she would at least resemble a shadow of her former self.)

Then we would drop her in the Tora Bora region and tell her Osama/Bobby is in a cave somewhere consorting with a bunch of chicken heads. Whitney, with all of the flair and tracking ability of a Black woman scorned, would find Osama/Bobby in no time. Osama, thinking Whitney had come to him to find the "truly Islamic" destiny he had always envisioned for her, would take her in no questions asked.

That's when the tracking device and Hellfire missile come into play. We lose Whitney too but, you know, War on Terror.

While nobody still thinks killing Bin Laden would make much a difference, it would be nice to see Whitney Houston remembered for doing honest, noble work and not for being hunched over in an alley somewhere.

Russia declares war on hockey terrorism

Russia has always had a flexible definition of terrorism. For example, Russia refers to its Chechen rebels as "terrorists" but a member of Hezbollah, not so much.

That is why it should come as no surprise Russia is the first nation to stick the terrorism label on a major sports entity, calling out North America's National Hockey League as such.

In 2006, a self-respecting nation is forced to do more than simply label the terrorist.

So, in a play for self-respect, the Russians have also "declared war" on the NHL and its sneaky, asymmetric tactic of offering young Russian players, still under contract in Russia, more money to come West to play in large shiny arenas for teams that aren't run by the brother or nephew of the local crime boss.

There will be many in the United States who object to the classifying of the NHL as a "major sports league." But, just as one man's freedom fighter is another's terrorist, one nation's Outdoor-Life-Network-dwelling, no-longer-relevant professional sports league is another nation's threat to internal stability.

I think the Russians and the NHL both benefit from the current crisis. By turning the terrorist tables on an American sports league-- never mind most of the players are Canadian or come from European countries that didn't exist ten years ago -- the Russians gain credibility on the "Arab street" and should be able to parlay this new cred into a bigger role in the volatile but oil-rich Middle East.

As for the NHL, this could be its best "buzz" since the glowing puck.

The terrorists want to be like Mike

In their never ending quest to turn what makes us great against us, the terrorists have resorted to using that most American of thirst quenchers, the sports drink, in their latest barbarous plot.

Thankfully, their plan was foiled by our British allies in the War on Terror.

Only Robert Oppenheimer has known the sinking sensation Gatorade inventor Dr. Robert Cade feels today, as he learns the non-carbonated beverage he brought into the world could have killed so many.

It has been reported the despair of current Gatorade pitchman Keith Jackson is cataclysmic.

All Americans should be asking the President and his Congress to detail the steps they had been taking to secure the Gatorade Sports Science Institute.

Sure, they will say they are making moves to protect the facility now.

But one step behind isn't good enough it these precarious times.

Staying one step ahead

As a terrorist mastermind, Osama Bin Laden leaves a lot to be desired. He came in with a bang, but what has he done for Allah lately? The guy has been reduced to audio cassettes. Do you think he notes the contents of these cassettes in bubbly lettering on the jacket cover before handing them off to his llama-riding messenger boy?

The day we knock him back to the 8-track will still be a significant victory in the war on terror -- nobody can take that away from us.

But seriously, when was the last time you were walking around and started thinking about what a scary guy Osama Bin Laden is. Or even worried about domestic terrorism at all. Three or four years ago sure, but if it's happening today you probably need to get that checked out.

That's why I nominate Richard Reid for terrorist of the millennium -- the guy stuck a firecracker in his shoe and changed the way we travel for what is starting to seem like perpetuity.

I've begun to notice more and more people are wearing their flip flops in non-airport security line situations. I was at a crowded bar the other day and more than half the revelers were wearing flip-flops. The way I see it, there could only be three reasons one would wear flimsy, open footwear to a crowded bar:

1. They want it to hurt as much as possible when they get their foot stepped on (preferably by a heeled ladies shoe.)
2. They like the way spilt beer allows the flip flop to stick to the soles of their feet.
3. It's a sub-conscious acknowledgement of how Richard Reid has changed America.

I'm guessing it's usually three.

To make matters worse, once the geniuses at Homeland Security process today's news that another "shoe bomber" has struck, this time at an Iraqi Mosque, I fear it will finally dawn upon them the shoe bomb technique doesn't need to be restricted to aviation.

It won't be long until we will all be wearing flip-flops to crowded bars.

But won't we all feel safer.