Xenu ate Joel Goodson

It's been 25 years since the release of Risky Business, Tom Cruise's first staring role and a pretty darn good movie.

To celebrate, Tom Cruise is throwing himself a party on his new website; a glitzy, easy-to-maneuver ode to all that is Cruise.

But instead of being able to compliment Cruise for having such a cool and useful website -- it is full of goodies such as trailers to all of his many movies -- I can't help but thinking it's all part of an effort to convert me to his wacky moon man religion. And I feel this way even though the site makes no mention of auditing or placenta eating. (Although the background music is culty as a compound in Texas.)

Since I'm pretty sure I'm also going to feel this way about his movies from here going forward, Tom Cruise could be in real trouble, if others feel the same way.

I can eat planets

A couple months ago, when the Tom Cruise Scientology tapes broke, there were some pretty good spoofs of the black turtle necked one. But this video, just released to promote a movie, is the best I've seen.

Is it just me, or does the reverence fake Tom Cruise has for himself similar to the reverence some of Barack Obama's most fervent supporters have for their messiah?

Idle threat of the week

Many suspect Tom Cruise of harboring a secret. Perhaps this is because the Top Gun actor once studied to be a priest. Or perhaps it is because his sex scenes with then-wife Nicole Kidman in Eye Wide Shut were so improbable and awkward audience members were forced to conclude the Hollywood couple with two adopted children had yet to consummate their relationship off screen.

Becoming a Scientologists only added to the talk Cruise has something to hide, as other famous male actors who elicit similar whispers have also hitched their wagon to the nouveau-religion.

Cruise divorced Kidman in 2001, and, amid snickers about elaborate contracts and ten million dollar payouts, married Katie Holmes in 2006.

Miffed that last time he wed a desirable actress his relationship with her only made him appear gayer, Cruise seems to have instructed Holmes to play up the physical aspect of their marriage during interviews. Like when she spoke to US Magazine last week and revealed her husband's biggest turn on:

Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush. He'll say, 'You look good. I hope security's going with you.' Now that gives me attitude.

Well that's a weird way to put it. Especially for someone who was born in America with English as her first language. I suspect, in conversations with Cruise (and Cruise's auditor) before the interview, Holmes had been prepped that research shows many heterosexual men are turned on by a woman in uniform. But Holmes, obviously not much for improv, got confused and wasn't sure if she was supposed to be wearing the uniform, or if she was supposed to be surrounded by a group of strapping men wearing uniforms.

And Tom Cruises' attempt to use Katie Holmes to prove he is all the action hero he can be is the Idle Threat of the Week for December 10-16. The role of Tom Cruise's wife is a challenging one and they should have hired a better actress.

Idle threat of the week

Yesterday morning found Katie Holmes slinking around under the guise of an alias and running as hard as she can for many hours. Although I'm sure any attentive member of the ever growing Free Katie movement already knows their girl was just participating in the New York City Marathon, and not only was watchful hubby Tom Cruise tracking her every movement, but he made sure to mark his territory be planting a kiss on the actress as she entered the home stretch.

But speculation is ripe that Holmes has finally owned up to her Stockholm (Scientology?) Syndrome and is now in training for an eventual escape from Cruise's contractual clutches. If so, how is Katie's plan progressing?

It's always impressive to finish a marathon, but Katie clocked in at 5 hours and 29 minutes. To put that in perspective, the oft-rotund Opera Winfrey once ran in 4 hours and 29 minutes, and former Presidential candidate Michael Dukakis -- whose eyebrows could function as parachutes -- still sliced through the air for a personal best of 3 hours and 29 minutes.

Keeping in mind Tom Cruise stays in shape by shooting running intensive films such as Mission Impossible and War of the Worlds, it's highly doubtfully that, with her posted time, Katie could outrun Tom. Let alone all of the other Scientologists -- some of whom may own speedy spacecrafts.

And Katie Holmes's attempt to escape back to the normalcy of being a Hollywood movie star is the Idle Threat of the Week for October 29th to November 4th.

Or, to cut to the chase, Katie won't be taking her top off again anytime soon.

Germany nimbly dodges the Scientologist takeover

In today's Germanic nations and fringe religions with questionable tax status news, Germany has banned Tom Cruises' latest movie from filming on German military sites because the star has "publicly professed to being a member of the Scientology cult."

Continuing with the official candor, Berlin declared that Scientology "masquerades as a religion to make money."

Strong words, although I do have to quibble with the German's characterization of Scientology's true intentions. While I'm sure back in L. Ron's time it was solely about stuffing the coffers, these days Scientology also functions as a helpful support group where closeted male actors can exchange tips on butching it up -- or at least on how to behave so bizarrely the debate over their sexuality becomes secondary.

Still, for whatever reason, Europe, Germany in particular, has an intense intolerance of Scientology that is even more wacky than the weird, wild religion itself.

What does a Scientologist have to do to gain a little status on the Continent? Call for the execution of an author? Kill a cartoonist? Would a pope do the trick? He's pretty old anyway.

Not that Scientology is all spaceships and giggles. The church does have a history of using private investigators as weapons of harassment against its critics, and Scientologists have been known to sweep up a young starlet and brainwash her into a life of Stepford-like servitude -- although, when that happens, the rumor is she is quite well-compensated and rarely forced to wear a veil.

Anyway, what if Scientology was, as the Germans suggest, simply about the bottom line. Would the world be a worse place if all religion was based solely on the pragmatic pursuit of Deutsche Marks (er, Euros), instead of the noble irrationality of fighting over whether your supernatural force is more omnipotent than the other guy’s supernatural force?

Hollywood and Hillary: Be cruel to be kind

If you've been following the Scooter Libby trial, and I can't recommend it, the most interesting thing to come out so far is Libby and Tom Cruise used to hang out. It had something to do with Scientology and Germany, but I'm sure the self-mythicizing government official and the Ethan-Hunt-playing actor also exchanged stories about what it's like to pretend you are vital to the world's security.

Political figures and Hollywood types mix like peanut butter and jelly or salt and pepper or all sorts of other things you can find in a kitchen. But really more of an oil and vinegar reaction -- physically, I mean -- would benefit both.

Because when politicians and Hollywood types get together it doesn't work out for anyone: The Hollywooders end up wasting the hard earned money we explicitly gave them to buy big houses, get plastic surgery and have sex scandals, and the Tinseltown-approved politicians end up losing elections.

Hollywood hasn't figured this out yet. On the heels of new polling that shows-- despite the press and blogsphere's best efforts to introduce us -- half of the country still has no idea who Barack Obama is, Hollywood is busy dumping front-running Hillary Clinton for a public endorsement of the obscure Illinois Senator.

I've been a bit amused by the hoards of people who have so quickly converted Hillary's apparent inevitability to electability but, that being said, this new development would certainly fall under the category of +1 for Hillary.

I thought Jesus would be taller

This mostly speaks for itself:

(Scientologist) leader David Miscavige believes that in the future, Cruise, 44, will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion.

A source close to the actor, who has risen to one of the church’s top levels, said: “Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure.

“Like Christ, he’s been criticized for his views. But future generations will realize he was right.”

It's never good for a fledgling religion when important news about the future accession of a deity is broken by a down-market tabloid in a feature called "Victoria Newtown's Bizarre."

Although maybe the whole thing is not as "bizarre" as Victoria Newtown would have us believe.

Like Christ and Tom Cruise, Ted Logan and Bill S. Preston Esq. were criticized for their views. But as a result of a chance encounter with George Carlin and a rather unique phone booth the existence of all future generations became based on the two slack-jawed San Dimas stoners' zen-like guitar playing. Who would have thought?

So it was a movie. But a funny movie. Which made history cool. And Tom Cruise is an actor.

Just saying.

Deceptive Godfather makes trouble from the grave

The late James Brown was always hard to size up, size-wise. He had that heightening pompadour, wore lifts, and was a constant whirl of movement, making it difficult to measure him against anyone or anything of known height.

Brown's death hasn't ended the debate over how tall he once was. Earlier this week 62-year old David Brooks Jr. and 70-year old Don Gulley, both of Atmore, Alabama, got into a heated argument over the Godfather of Soul's true height.

According to witnesses the argument escalated into a physical confrontation and ended with Brooks and Gulley exchanging gunfire. Brooks was hospitalized with two bullet wounds to the abdomen.

Because they are senior citizens living in Alabama, I will let them off the hook for not being as tech-savvy as they could be, but if you ever find yourself in a passionate debate over the height of your favorite celebrity please refer to the spectacular Internet resource celebheights.com.

The folks at Celebheights, through a careful process involving photographs, news accounts, biolographical material, message board discussion, and their extensive database of famous heights, are the last word on celebrity longitude. James Brown, for example, was 5'6.

Celebheights caters to our natural curiosity about how tall -- or, more likely, not tall -- our favorite movie stars, athletes and entertainers really are.

It could also save your life.

Tom Cruise weds, Xenu show restraint

Tom Cruise married the possibly brainwashed actress Katie Holmes over the weekend. There was the prerequisite weirdness: Cruise had grown a half-foot since last seen, the ceremony ended with a "never ending" kiss that caused the audience to squirm, yelp and finally beg the newlyweds to unlock lips, and the best man will be accompanying the happy couple on their honeymoon.

As I skimmed over the press and blogsphere accounts of the wedding I noticed, in many of the descriptions, there were gratuitous slaps at certain aspects of Scientology. I read comments along the lines of "during the wedding Xenu refrained from zapping anyone with his laser beam," and "Tomkat waved their friends goodbye and entered the giant spaceship."

Yes, the story of Scientology is far-fetched. But why assume the Scientologists would incorporate it into their public wedding ceremony?

When was the last time you heard someone say, "what I really liked about the wedding was the part when a robed, bearded man who wasn't invited by either the bride or the groom magically appeared. He was groggy at first -- he said he had been dead a few days. When he came to I found him to be charismatic and omnipresent."

Or, "I thought it was going to be a beachfront ceremony until the sea parted and the shuttle bus followed the two magnificent walls of water to a beautiful island."

That's not to say Tom Cruise and Scientology wouldn't be worthy adversaries in a nutty contest. But still, you have to be careful what you insinuate. You wouldn't want to find yourself on the business end of Xenu's laser beam. From what I gather, stranger things have happened.

The world according to Stephen Baldwin

It's tough being Stephen Baldwin. Brother Alec has the talent and the psychotic rage, brother Billy has the mysterious aura and the smarmy good looks, and brother Danial brings a long rap sheet and a sweet tooth to the table. So what does that leave for Stephen -- besides the Pauly Shore-collaborations and the adult skateboarding habit?

Well, it looks like America's perpetual little brother, who turned 40 this year, has finally found his calling.

Stephen's latest project is promoting his own intoxicating blend of extreme sports and Jesus Christ through a skateboarding tour and a new book. He recently gave a colorful interview to Radar Magazine on being born Baldwin, born again and praying for Tom Cruise.

I have summarized the highlights:

* Stephen can't identify any of the seven deadly sins. Not only that, he gets wobbly on "sloth's" status as a proper word. Luckily he carries a dictionary to aid him in these potentially awkward situations.

* Admits to beating his children for not knowing their Ten Commandants yet he, himself, can only get to six.

* Unprompted, he compares being born again favorably to an "eight-ball of blow." Longs for a way to combine them.

* Would like to give Tom Cruise a "spicy roll of Jesus."

* Alec is not so good to speak to about politics -- but quite apt in discussing fart.

* Finds Howard Dean "frightening." (All right, that's not so weird.)

* Mel Gibson and Bono will be going to Heaven. Pauly Shore and Bill Clinton will be going to Hell. Alec goes to Heaven, but only because he can beat Stephen up.

So there you have it: Somebody has finally provided a good explanation as to why Alec Baldwin is such a hard-charging, bloviating ball of madness -- the man is actually trying to intimidate his way through the Pearly Gates.

Not sure if that works, but it does make everything clearer.

Brad Johnson is the king of week 1

After Sunday I was ready to wax on about the surgically-repaired Donovan McNabb's instant rapport with a receiving corps the Eagles assembled barely a week ago or, if not that, the vicious manner in which the Raven defense went into the New Sombrero and added their initials to the list of men's names tattooed on Chris Simms's body. But then Monday night came and the oldest offensive player in the NFL won me over with his poise, his mastery of fundamentals and his vastly under-rated physical talent.

Brad Johnson is the owner of a top twenty all-time QB rating, the third best won-loss record among active quarterbacks and a Super Bowl ring, yet, througout his long career, he has never been thought of as much more than a stop-gap solution. Last night, at age 37, Johnson put on a clinic in the Vikings 19-16 win in Washington.

Earlier in is his career the legitimate knock on Johnson was he could be rattled by pressure. Not so any more. Facing an aggressive, highly rated defense and one of the loudest crowds in the NFL, Johnson didn't come close to making a mistake and completed every kind of pass; short, long and in-between

Johnson's best moment came when he fended off a Redskin linebacker and then tossed a perfect pass to his tight end Jerome Wiggins -- with his left hand.

Fittingly, Wiggins muffed the pass. The underwhelming Viking receivers dropped about 100 yards and a touchdown worth of excellent throws, which is why Johnson's still-decent 16-30-223-1-0 final line is a poor representation of how good he actually was.

It wasn't just dropped passes. The Vikings also missed an extra point and committed inopportune penalty after inopportune penalty in a first half they ended up trailing, despite out-playing their favored opponent. But Johnson remained stoic in the face of his teammates' errors and when he got his opportunities in the second half he struck with precision.

In the fourth quarter it was the Redskins -- mainly criminal safety Sean Taylor -- who self-destructed with bad penalties.

On the Vikings' game winning drive Johnson barely had to pass. Having already seen him carve up their secondary the Redskins had to drop an extra guy back, and the Vikings were able to use their ground game to run out most of the clock as they took the lead.

Back in 2001 Redskin's owner Dan Snyder dumped Johnson for the strong-armed enigma Jeff George. George promptly bombed for the 'Skins and Johnson led Tampa Bay to a Super Bowl victory. With Snyder showing off his latest enigmatic acquisition, Tom Cruise, in the owner's box, it would be tempting to mock Snyder for underestimating Johnson and going with the headline grabbing George.

But, throughout Johnson's career, even during his Florida State days when he wasn't a full-time starter, everyone has underestimated Johnson.

Brad Johnson turns 38 tomorrow. If he keeps up his good play this feels like the year he gets the credit he deserves.

They must have dyed her eyebrows to cover it up

Since he obviously adopted a Chinese baby, why did Tom make Katie go through that whole silent birth charade? Weird dude, that Maverick.

Cruise -- more desperate than previously thought

Just a few days ago I was defending crazy-old Tom Cruise. Well, I am done with all that and his stupid tone scale.

Daniel Snyder?

Great way to begin your career rehabilitation -- sign with a megalomaniac football owner who gained prominence by throwing huge amounts of money at over-the-hill ex-pro bowlers and recouping this investment by finding innovative ways to charge the public for the privilege of watching said ex-stars humiliate themselves.

Although the deal is only for overhead, it gives Snyder the option of financing any of Cruise's projects.

I think that means Cruise will soon be staring opposite Andrew McCarthy and Demi Moore in a movie about a slick-footed teenage boy whose family moves to a town where rock music and dancing have been banned.

Box-office champion of 1985, here Tom Cruise comes.

Xenu made him do it

Taking a page from the playbook of the Philadelphia Eagles, Paramount Pictures has T.Oed* Tom Cruise. While Terrell Owens got the ax for yelling at his quarterback on the sidelines and fighting a team representative in the locker room, T.C. was let go because he proved fond of jumping up and down like a madman on Oprah's couch and eating his baby's placenta.

What surprised Hollywood wasn't so much that an ailing studio cut ties with a high-maintenance star, but the way Paramount boss Sumner Redstone gleefully cited Cruise's off-screen behavior as the rationale behind the decision to drop him.

It seems to me that a lot of Cruise's "erratic behavior" is a result of his belief in Scientology not jelling with the way normal people go about their business.

I'm not going to defend the practice of Scientology -- it appears to be quite silly. Nevertheless, enough people take it seriously enough for it to be considered a religion. It might be a religion based on space travel and pseudo-psychiatry, but that's because it was founded in 1952 when such things were in vogue.

Back when the "real" religions were founded people knew nothing about the way our brains work or about the universe around us. So these "real" religions were, and continue to be, justified by the exsistence of an unseen magic, pure and simple.

If a religion were to invented today, God would probably live inside the internet and we can only hope there would be little mention of Paris Hilton.

Yes, I do smell a whiff of religious intolerance in the ostracism of Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. If Tom Cruise had picked any other religion outside the mainstream Judeo-Christian umbrella, there would at least be some people standing up for his odd beliefs and behavior.

That being said, we have tradition in America of keeping our constitutionally-protected weird religious practices to ourselves. So to some extent Cruise has brought his troubles on himself. There are plenty of other Scientologists in Hollywood, but we didn't hear about placenta-eating until Cruise brought it up.

Cruise needs take a page from Madonna and try to use his made-up religion for good. Recently, Madonna proposed using Kabbalah water to clean up nuclear waste. We all laughed hysterically, but it was nice to see her trying to help.

When Scientology drives Tom Cruise to do things like make Brooke Shields cry for using antidepressants, he just comes off like a huge jerk. The kind you wouldn't want to hitch your multi-billion dollar movie studio to.

*Of course the Eagles were taking a page from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers playbook when they Keyshawned T.O. Maybe one day a studio will Cruise Lohan.