Google makes everybody smart

So far the Internet has been no friend of the criminally inept, holding them up to much ridicule by highlighting their punchless exploits on its many file sharing websites. But, despite this entertaining aside, the Internet could ultimately prove to be a bonanza for stupid criminals everywhere.

We see evidence of a shifting paradigm in Colorado Springs CO, were two burglars were able to use door keys and pass codes to break into an indoor amusement center, but didn't consider the money might be locked in a safe

After foolishly spraying the security cameras with WD-40 -- which just cleansed the murky lenses -- the two hopelessly fought with the safe for 75 minutes, not even knowing what direction to turn the dials.

Then one of the thieves noticed a computer, got on the Internet, and Googled "how to crack a safe." A few minutes later they made off with 12,000 dollars.

And, in a disturbing indication of the evolution of the slow-witted criminal mind, the men also stole the computer.

Not every one can be incompetent at crime

All gussied up and with full heads of steam, our video stars attempt to attempt to rob what I think is a motel, but fail to reach the threshold of actual crime when they are tripped up by the welcome mat and rebuffed by a door that could be locked.

Or could simply be outswinging. So the next time you see video of a guy getting his gun snatched as he tries to get the clerk to empty the register, remember, it's not just everyone who can navigate the maze of a convenience store layout on his way to pay dirt. Because even the most incompetent criminal needs a modicum of competency if he is to be able to truly prove his criminal incompetence.

OJ Simpson does not deny killing Bill Walsh

Let's say you have yourself a "tiny little media company" offering fast financial market information to investors. Let's say you want to generate a barrage of traffic to your company's nascent website and break away from the pack of other "tiny little media companies"offering fast financial market information to investors. Would you:

A. Be the first to announce that the Bancroft family had officially approved Rupert Murdoch's bid for Dow Jones.

B. Score an exclusive interview with Alan Greenspan. Report the former Fed chair sneezed twice when asked about the recent decline in housing starts.

C. Run an expose' on satanic practices among private equity fund managers.

D. Have a double murderer who couldn't tell a bid from an offer take questions from the public all week at 4 o'clock.

If you answered D, you would probably be Market News First. And, of course, the double murderer is OJ Simpson. The Juice is working on his 13th year of being the foremost double murderer in American public life.

The clip above is from yesterday's interview streamed on Market News First's website. As you can see, the public had all sorts of fun with calling in and asking the two-time killer questions that made sure to mention that OJ is, in fact, the malicious ender of two lives.

Some of the questions were more clever than others, but OJ met them all with the same kind of comfortable indifference that one can only develop after having been a high profile double murderer for many years. Successful as OJ had been as a running back -- and then as a killer of two people -- he is now just as successful at giving off the impression he could care less about your opinions on his dual homicide. No matter how many times and different ways it is made reference to.

OJ will be on MN1 again today at 4 -- just in time for the market's close!

Will Smith will save our cities

When the author Anthony Burgess, and then the filmmaker Stanley Kubrick, envisioned a future where remorseless teenage thugs terrorized the general population, they filled the soundtrack of A Clockwork Orange with pieces such as Beethoven's Ninth and The William Tell Overture.

Just one of many examples of a film signaling over-the-top violence with the grandiosity and dark foreboding that is often at the heart of classic operatic works.

This phenomena also pops up in real life. Taking their cue from the Vietnam war horror flick Apocalypse Now, our troops in Iraq still play Wagner's Ride of The Valkyries -- amongst the heavy metal and hip hop -- when they prepare themselves for battle.

That is why it has always seemed odd to me when municipalities -- like Tacoma, Washington recently -- insist a key to quelling the aggressive behavior of teenage drug dealers and gang members is pumping Mozart and friends into the areas they congregate.

Granted, there may be confusion at first. But, after they got used to it, why wouldn't the type of music that credibly prepared Colonel Kilgore to rain death from above on Vietnamese women and children, and realistically gave Alex and his druids the jolt needed to go out and rape and pillage, motivate today's young do-badders to commit the crimes they were already inclined to commit?

Not just commit them, but commit them on an even grander scale, and with the extra kick of intelligence that it is claimed listening to classical music provides. Are we trying to keep our cities safe or develop super criminals?

A much better way to put a damper on wilding youths would be to pump in some of the more g-rated hip-hop from the pre-gansta rap era. I'm thinking Young MC or, better yet, the wholesome stylings of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince.

If there is anybody out there who can pull off a drive-by after listening to the eternal goofiness of Parents Just Don't Understand, I'm a prepared to bow down to our new Crip overlord.

The Israeli mob deals in large arms and stereotypes

It usually doesn't make the first page of the ever ready checklist of ethnic accomplishment, but the Jews have proven to be as effective organized criminals as any other distinguishable group. Think about it this way: The legacy of Jewish-American gangsterism is a gilded palace of legalized sin called Las Vegas, while the non-fictionalized Italian-American mafia is now represented by the frosted tips and fake tans of Growing Up Gotti.

So it shouldn't be that much of a surprise that Israel has a vibrant criminal underworld. And, given the general militarism of Israeli society, an unusually well-armed one at that.

Mob activity in the Holy Land has been on the rise lately, according to this report. Which even goes so far as to claim that "when an explosion goes off on a busy Israeli street these days, it seems as likely to be a mob hit as a Palestinian attack."

So what is the source of this escalating violence . . ? A turf war over empties. Yes, the recyclable drink receptacles that can be returned for a few cents. Apparently Israeli mobsters require restaurants and nightclubs to pay for their protection with completely untraceable glass bottles and aluminum cans.

There is nothing unusual about the mob offering protection or picking up the trash -- these activities are staples of organized crime the world over. But there is something in the tedium of collecting and returning empties that play into certain age-old stereotypes.

So yes, if you tossed a penny in front of an Israeli gangster it stands to reason he would take the bait and bend over to pick it up. Although it isn't always wise to tease a man with an anti-tank missile launcher.

A tale of two arrests

Hugh Grant burst onto the scene in 1994 with his star turn in the romantic comedy Four Weddings and a Funeral. American audiences, especially women, fell in love with the blue-eyed actor --the prototypical charming Englishman complete with a shy stammer and a well-tailored wardrobe.

His glamorous model/actress girlfriend, Elizabeth Hurley, in tow, Grant seemed to poised to cut to the front of the line of Hollywood's leading men. But an incident at one of Tinseltown's most hollowed landmarks derailed his ascent.

In 1995 Grant was arrested for receiving oral sex from a prostitute while in his car on Sunset Boulevard. Not just any prostitute, this was a common streetwalker, and one who was much the worse for wear.

After a couple years in the wilderness Grant recovered, and has been a successful actor ever since. But, permanently branded by Divine Brown and his reckless libido, he was never able to reach his promise.

Fast forward to yesterday and Hugh Grant was arrested again. This time for assaulting a photographer outside his London home. Grant's weapon of choice . . . a tub of baked beans.

I can just imagine Grant muttering to himself as he contemplates hurling the baked beans at the paparazzo. Finally, after working up the courage to initiate the assault, Grant-- in a rare, awkward burst of aggression-- strikes the photog with the side dish.

As the gooey beans drip down the face of his victim, Grant jumps back and covers his mouth bashfully. "Terribly sorry," Grant says. "I just . . ." he stammers, before taking a handkerchief from his pocket. "Oh here," he concedes, and offers the handkerchief to the photographer.

"Well I guess I won't be eating those," Grant slyly remarks, as the photographer cleans his face. They both laugh.

Now that's the sort of English charm we expected when we first meet Grant. OK, I'm ignoring the part where Grant kicks the photographer and wishes death upon his family. But still, imagine if Grant was somehow able to have reversed the order of his two arrests. The world would have been his.

Tarot cards just got a lot sexier

A tarot card reader in Coons Rapids Minnesota, who goes by the name of "Maestro" professionally, is facing six felonies for practicing his time-honored brand of psychic trickery.

OK, he did it with a twist. Part of his fortune telling involved watching a curious couple have sex. Where he really ran afoul of the law was when he videotaped the copulation, and it was discovered the female part of the equation was only 16- years old. Although the guy was 19, and if you add 19 and 16 and divide it by two . . . well, you're almost there.

But before you heap condemnation on 40-year old Miguel Antonio Garcia Garro, consider this: He was able to get the amorous couple to pay him in excess of 800 dollars for the privilege of having sex on a cold desk in his dingy office while his creepy self hovered over them. That's mighty impressive. Especially when you consider how much money 800 dollars must be to teenagers in Coons Rapids, Minnesota who consult psychics.

If the magic of Maestro could be taught it would forever alter the business model of the pornography industry.

The tarot card industry too.

Continuing the proud legacy of Maurice Clarett

Weird story from the boxing world: Undisputed cruiser weight champion O'Neil Bell has been arrested for assaulting his sparring partner Larry Slayton with a hatchet during a training jog.

You may be wondering why a boxer would take a hatchet running with him.

To protect him from bears of course.

And why not? They were jogging through the woods in a Southern California resort area called Big Bear Lake. Sure there hasn't been a bear spotted in Big Bear since 1906, but try explaining that to a man who's spent most of his life getting punched in the face.

I once had a humorous/scary experience with a hatchet. A few summers ago I was staying at my parent's house in the country. A kooky and often drunk acquaintance of my folks had guilted them into letting him stay in the tiny cabin next door. I was trying my best to avoid the crazy old man, but one afternoon there was a knock on the front door and there he was, holding a hatchet and sporting a substantial gash on his forehead.

I was startled.

When I got over that, and realized he wasn't about to lunge at me, I recognized the hatchet. For as long as I could remember it had been decorating the tiny cabin's mantelpiece.

"I was chopping wood," he told me.

The hatchet in question wasn't sharp enough to chop snow. And his head wound must have been born from the dull hatchet, too much alcohol and a frustrated back swing.

But the old drunk seemed to have no clue what he had done to himself.

"Do you have anything to sharpen this with?" He nonchalantly asked, blood dripping from his chin to his shirt.

"No" I said, without thinking about whether or not that was true.

What they do to get cell phone reception in Missouri

I've been having a lot of fun at the expense of "idle threats"over here at jsb. But I would be remiss if I didn't point out there is a dark side to the baseless declaration.

In Independence, Missouri a man named Marlon Brando Gill is being tried for forcing his girlfriend's cell phone down her throat during a drunken argument.

With a name like Marlon Brando, you'd think he'd be the one who ate the phone. Which is exactly what he accused her of doing, to prevent him from seeing who she had been calling

This is how I imagine it went down:

"If you don't give me that damn phone I'm going to shove it down your throat."

"If you take a step closer, I'm going to swallow it myself."

What happened next is up to the jury to decide. But the fact remains when the authorities found the hopelessly inebriated girlfriend a cell phone was logged in her esophagus.

So it's plain to see, while idle threats are usually fun, they can occasionally go horribly wrong.

That in mind, it is usually a bad idea to exchange idle threats with a close relation, and never a good idea to mix an idle threat with alcohol.