Ventura body slams Stuart Smalley

With all this talk of "change" and "mavericks" it's easy to forgot that not so long ago there were true political mavericks, whose calls for change really did alter the political landscape.

The tone-deaf obstinance of Ralph Nadar was almost certainly responsible for the Bush presidency, and there is a very good chance that Bill Clinton would have ended up as a red-faced historical footnote if it wasn't for Ross Perot's unbalanced balancing act.

But, in terms of electoral success, the top mavericky change agent of the pre-Bush era was Jesse Ventura. Running on a platform of clever commercials, returning the state's budget surplus to the people, and humbly admitting that he wasn't up to speed on all the issues, the Body/Mind went from steroid abusing wrestling heal to Governor of Minnesota

Eye-deep in a blood feud with the local press, Ventura chose not to seek re-election in 2002.

This morning Ventura announced he will probably be joining a Minnesota Senate race that already includes comedian Al Franken. Yes, that would make two former wrestlers with ties to the entertainment industry, bad tempers and a history of making controversial statements vying for the same office. Norm Coleman, the third guy, is currently running happy laps around his office.

Pimp My Iraq

Regrettably, "providing sports car owners with the authority to make tactical and operational decisions concerning the pimping of their vehicle" was not among the 18 benchmarks congress set last year to measure Iraq's security, economic and political progress. Further proof of how out of touch our government is when it comes to the needs and desires of the Iraqi people.

Idle threat of the week

While most folks were out celebrating America 232nd birthday with loud explosions, Florida Governor Charlie Crist was quietly taking steps to become America's 47th Vice President.

Crist, whose bachelor status, sparkly looks and history of frequenting gay clubs has led many to question his sexual orientation, announced on July 4th that he will be wed to a woman.

Crist will also buck the current convention of endless engagements and marry the 38-year old mother of two in September. Yet despite this effort to butch up his political resume and fast, it is highly unlikely Crist will be picked as John McCain's running mate. While the popular governor would surely help McCain in Florida, if McCain can't win the GOP-leaning sunshine state on his own there is no point in him even picking a number two.

But Crist wasn't the only one who spent the holiday weekend boning up on his heterosexual bona fides. Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez did so quiet literally, as rumors of his late night rendezvous with Madonna continued to light up the back pages of the New York tabloids.

Rodriguez surely isn't gay, but that hasn't stopped Red Sox fans (and a surprising percentage of Yankee fans) from making a sport of slurring him with school yard taunts that say otherwise. While, in general, being linked up with a woman who has spent time as an international sex symbol would be an effective retort to such name calling, Madonna has always been loved by gay man and has aged very mannishly, meaning this development will likely give the cat-callers even more ammunition.

And A-Rod and CC's attempts to put the rest the question of their sexuality is the idle threat of the week for July 1-6.

Idle threat of the week

I'm going on vacation this week -- as well as doing some of the blogging over on asylum.com -- so posting here will be light.

I'm often asked how exactly a threat qualifies to be the idle threat of the week. While I addressed this subject briefly on the inaugural episode of JSB TV (check out the progression of screen caps and you will see me tan right before your eyes!) there still persists some confusion.

Basically anything can be an idle threat as long as it is a threat and it is idle. The level of threat can range from the destruction of the universe to a hang nail to something that isn't generally thought to be a threat. And the threats idleness can be based on anything from scientific impossibility to me saying so.

The Idle Threat for June 23rd-29th is your ability to resist the irresistible flash video game hedgehog. I hope this clears things up.

The Internet goes crude (in a bad way)

Xenu ate Joel Goodson

It's been 25 years since the release of Risky Business, Tom Cruise's first staring role and a pretty darn good movie.

To celebrate, Tom Cruise is throwing himself a party on his new website; a glitzy, easy-to-maneuver ode to all that is Cruise.

But instead of being able to compliment Cruise for having such a cool and useful website -- it is full of goodies such as trailers to all of his many movies -- I can't help but thinking it's all part of an effort to convert me to his wacky moon man religion. And I feel this way even though the site makes no mention of auditing or placenta eating. (Although the background music is culty as a compound in Texas.)

Since I'm pretty sure I'm also going to feel this way about his movies from here going forward, Tom Cruise could be in real trouble, if others feel the same way.

Under the bus goes international

Barack Obama's under the bus tour claimed its latest victim yesterday as he coolly dismissed rumors he is good friends with actress turned dreadful singer Scarlett Johansson.

Johansson, one Obama's most outspoken supporters, has listed Obama among her "five dads." (Joining Woody Allen, Tom Waits, Bill Murray and Bob Dylan.) She made this distinction even creepier by later joking she was engaged to Obama.

While Scarlett has conceded that after their glorious first meeting at a private fundraiser she hasn't been able to spend that much time with her political daddy, she has insisted they have a very healthy back and forth email relationship and breathlessly gushed “someone like the senator who is constantly traveling and constantly ‘on’ — how can he return these personal e-mails?"

Not true, according to Obama, telling reporters he only emailed Johansson once, after an aid had forwarded him her message, and the extent of his response was "Thank you, Scarlett, for doing what you do."

Obviously somebody is mistaken. And while I don't think very highly of Barack's general truthiness, I trust a 23-year old entertainment type even less. On the off-chance Scarlett isn't exaggerating and the incriminating emails get out . . . we are going to have ourselves a bizarre and not insignificant scandal.

But yesterday Barack wasn't the only political figure to ditch a hot celebrity female with whom there has been talk of a non-biological family relation. Nelson Mandela also got in the act by dumping "adopted granddaughter" Naomi Campbell from his official 90th birthday party.

Now Mandela is far from the under the bus tossing sort -- just ask current world enemy number one but still Friend of Nelson Robert Mugabe. Meaning Naomi's transgression must have been a lot worse than claiming she had the Noble Price winner's personal email address.

In fact the supermodel was convicted of assaulting two police officers at London's Heathrow airport and calling them "crackers." But the kicker was she did so while wearing a cap which read 46664 -- Mandela's ID number during the 27 years he spent in prison for seeking racial justice.

Adopted adult granddaughters never learn, do they?

Stool beats palm tree

This video depicts an honest-to-goodness attempt to rob a convenience store using a palm tree. The tropical flora bandit is foiled when a man comes at him with a small stool. It's really not all that exciting, but I think people should watch it because something like this will probably never happen again.

Japan is weird part 760,825

My the chickens are coming home to roast: After years of me making fun of the Japanese for their weirdness, the very essence of what makes them so mockable -- their wacky and humiliating TV game shows -- are coming to the United States.

Now it is Americans who will be forced to negotiate obstacles courses dressed as bugs, attempt to eat marshmallows dangled from fishing lines as their face is forcibly restrained by bungee chords, and subject themselves to a "ball slapping machine" -- which does exactly what it sounds like it would do

Of course there will also be farting -- sometimes competitively -- and a fair share of indeterminate goo. If the Americanized versions can also replicate the samurai-like war cries of the host, and the spastic high-pitched squeals of the studio audience I will be very impressed indeed.

Two Japanese-style game shows are premiering on ABC tonight, and a third is scheduled for this fall.

Stuart Krasnow, a producer of one the new shows, believes the motivations are different for American and Japanese contestants.

Americans, Krasnow says, "are in it for the cash and prizes" while for the Japanese it's "true escapism."

In others words Americans will let you pummel their balls with a springy mechanical arm as long as you pay them enough, but the Japanese do it just because it feels right.

A-ha, I knew it! Japan is still weird.

Most epic fail of a 911 call ever

I'm very reluctant to click onto TMZ, let alone recommend others click on anything TMZ-related, because their busy MySpace-style design tends to destroy my computer.

But this is worth it. It's an audio tape of Hulk Hogan's estranged wife calling 911 to claim the Hulkster is stalking her in violation of a restraining order she has out on him.

Only we learn very quickly that by "stalking her" Linda Hogan means she is following him around in her car. Linda expresses genuine surprise when the 911 operator tells her the best way to end this sort of "stalking" is to immediately stop following him. The 911 operator is taken aback by Linda's surprise.

To make matters even sillier, it turns out Linda Hogan doesn't have a restraining order out against the Hulk.

While it is likely only a complete idiot would allow her family to become the subject of a reality TV show , it is also likely being on a family-themed reality TV only makes one significantly dumber.

Idle threat of the week

Certainly since the advent of the printing press, and probably before that too, people have been making the news part of their life.

But what if there was no news? As we enter another week deeper into the legendary news drought of June 2008, this question takes on new weight.

With Britney nowhere to be found, and the Presidential election in a lull, newspapers, television and the Internet have been reduced to filling space with the antics of Amy Winehouse, a horrifically unappealing quasi-celebrity and Zimbabwe, a ridiculously insignificant quasi-nation.

Is it any coincidence that first Tim Russert and now George Carlin -- who both needed a steady stream of news to stay relevant -- picked this month to check out?

Maybe it's all just a fluke. Iowa is currently underwater, but nobody cares because the Iowans seem to be taking it all so well. Imagine the multi-media fuss if a less well-organized and understated American geographical region had been made to look like an ocean bed? And what if the situation in Iraq was to break out, one way or the other, of the cautiously optimistic ambiguity that has caused one of the biggest and most controversial news happening of the millennium to pretty much disappear from our radar?

Of course there is the bad economy narrative to be driven home. But nobody effected by these tough times is doing anything cool about it. So instead of stories of Bear Stearns executives strung up in public squares, and well-armed gangs of suburbanites fending off repo men, we get polls on how most American's think the nation is on the wrong track.

But there is hope. Today this happened:

Mind you this was a female dwarf, but one described by her neighbors as a "hustler and a player."

So there you have it. There will always be news as long as there are lady pimp dwarfs exploiting teenage runaways in our cities. And the death of all news is the Idle Threat of the Week for June 16-22.

Make it rain oil

Michael Jackson's dream is slowly coming true

Weird day today in racial classifications. First we learned of a leaked voice mail message in which Charlie Sheen viciously attacks his ex-wife Denise Richards with perhaps the two most controversial slurs in American English. The first is one John McCain allegedly likes to use when his wife points out his thinning hair, and the second is one generally not associated with those who look like Denise Richards.

In other news of racial confusion, we turn to the South African government, which was once so precise in their racial classifications that they ended up creating whole new races. But post-apartheid South Africa has decided that race isn't something that can be decided by a pencil through the hair, or even the color of a person's skin. In fact the standards have gotten so loose in Pretoria that they have now gone and officially declared Chinese people as black.

Which has led to "In South Africa Chinese is The New Black" headlines all over the Internet. I would have titled this post as such if I hadn't wasted today's "blank is the new blank" share of in my last post.

(Creepy) new Internet meme

Are babies laughing in slow motion the new animals falling asleep?

Death Watch: Tim Russert

Admittedly I'm a little late to this game, but I had spent the hours and days after Tim Russert death confused, as I watched the newsman celebrated like no American since the passing of Ronald Reagan.

While I have no doubt Russert was a first class guy, a terrific journalist, and could have made a living doing Daniel Patrick Moynihan impersonations if the Meet The Press thing hadn't worked out, there were times during the coverage of Russert's sad and untimely demise that, because I have a tendency to sleep late on Sundays, I felt like a foreigner in my own country.

By Monday there was a bit of sheepish pulling back from the canonization, and the media admitted they may have gone too far and overstated the importance of one of their own.

Which is fairly understandable, if that is the case. Russert practically died right in front of his colleagues, and if their desire to emote and pay tribute to someone they loved and respected trumped their news (and better) judgment for a day or so, it's only human.

Furthermore, there is now this rapidly expanding web/TV/traditional media colossus of political coverage that needs to be feed story lines constantly. With the presidential race in what should be an extended slow period, a lot of hungry reporters, bloggers, pundits and producers stand ready to pounce on anything that feels like news.

So Russert -- who truly was a giant in that world -- gave the bloated political coverage machine a much needed big story.

But it's more than that. It's the bloated media as a whole. Heath Ledger's death also seemed overdone. And Anna Nicole Smith . . .

Deaths are big deals. Especially when they come young and as a surprise. While I'm fairly certain that by next week Russert's death won't be seen as the historic event the media made it out to be, I can't say their coverage was out of line since I don't know how they would have reacted to Kurt Cobain's death. Or John Lennon's. Or -- can you even imagine -- JFK 's.

For all we know, in this current media reality, Russert got the send off he deserved.

Economy in shambles, tigers sold to Mexico

While the recent rise in gas and food prices have had an adverse effect on most Americans, they have been nothing but great for newspapers and local television news because it gives them a brand new topic -- how local residents are dealing with the rise in gas and food prices -- to explore ad nauseum.

So now we read and hear a lot of heavily anecdotal tales about folks buying vespas because they get great gas millage, or other folks growing chickens in the back yard of their suddenly worthless McMansion.

For a while Matt Drudge, with his mind clearly on the post-apocalyptic leather outfits, was obsessed with running local news stories about Mad Max-like gas thieves.

Which is why yesterday's eye-catching story of a woman caught selling tiger cubs in the parking lot of a Brownsville, Texas Wal-Mart begged so many questions that I was sure were going to be answered in the realm of our sputtering new economic reality.

Like was this the case of a poor struggling mother so overwhelmed by the exploding costs of milk and eggs that she was forced to sell her tiger cubs for cash so she could buy enough food at her favorite discount superstore to feed her human children?

And were the desperate parking lot dwellers who purchased the tiger cubs under the mistaken impression they could save fuel by riding Tigger back home? Or were they planning on using the wild beasts to rob gas stations and supermarkets?

Actually, none of the above. Police and federal authorities now believe the tigers were headed for Mexico, where brokers would then re-sell the rare cats to the Mexico City Zoo.

So there you have: As Americans are forced to sell their tigers to acquire basic food stuffs, Mexicans, fat off the fruits of NAFTA, can enjoy their tigers -- which used to be our tigers -- in fancy zoos.

Celeb gossip may be dead, hopefully just asleep

I was planning on doing a post on how celebrity gossip seems kind of dead lately. I was going to blame it on the nation's recent American Idol-like obsession with presidential politics, and then implore the fun, good looking celebs (meaning not Amy Winehouse) to come out from their hiding and start making mischief again.

It is pretty clear we are about to enter into an extended dead spot in the 2008 campaign. I'm of the belief that unless our favorite media-approved train wrecks step up and bring us some new sex tapes, DUI's and venereal diseasess this whole Internet thing -- which had been getting bigger and bigger by the day -- could atrophy and fall apart. And not be there when we really need it.

But somebody else sort of beat me to it. So check out what he has to say, discuss, and admit you miss Paris Hilton too.

Idle threat of the week

As I've stated before, the off-putting scatological details of the R. Kelly trial have prevented it from garnering the type of coverage such celebrity trials usually receive.

So it was no surprise Friday's "not guilty" verdict barely registered a whimper. What was surprising is the jury's foreman, addressing the sheepish press afterwards, conceded that the jury accepted it was R. Kelly on the tape urinating on a girl said to be 13 years old. But since the girl, who is now 23, refused to testify (and had presumably reached some sort of financial settlement with R. Kelly's camp) they couldn't convict him. Even with 15 of the purported victim's friends and relatives positively identifying her as the toilet in question

While R. Kelly joining Michael Jackson in getting away with some underage kink is not at the same level of outrage as OJ Simpson, Robert Blake and Phil Spector (so far) getting away with murder, it highlights again that there is no such thing thing as celebrity justice.

Surely money plays a role here. And maybe our criminal justice system just wasn't designed to withstand ace defense lawyers with unlimited budgets. But wealth didn't help Mike Tyson escape a rape conviction, which came after a trial soaked in the type reasonable doubt the courts are supposed to recognize.

So, in fact, what bonds all the serious celebrity trials of recent times isn't that the perp always walks, it is that the jury always reaches the wrong verdict.

This doesn't necessarily mean that the courts have a similarly bad batting average when normal folks get their more normal day in front of judge and jury. But such a high profile trend certainly doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in our legal system.

Not only was R. Kelly caught on tape, but he had a provable history of more normal sexual relationships with underage girls. Yet, with multiple counts to chose from, R. Kelly was found guilty of nothing. And another celebrity trial's promise to display the justness of our legal system ends up as the Idle Threat of the Week for June 9th to 15th.

Lessons learned and kings of beer

Amy Winehouse goes all 21 Jump Street

There has always seemed to be a truce among the authorities and the famous concerning certain illegalities. While it is not uncommon to see a teenage celebrity photographed in a bar or with a drink in hand, when was the last time a high profile minor was busted for underage drinking? Likewise, the majority of celebs featured on TMZ are clearly under the influence of some illegal substance or the other, yet celebrity drug busts are few and far between.

Which is OK, since I don't believe anyone should be getting in trouble for such vices. But something isn't quite right. Generally, don't authorities like to make examples of high profile targets? And crimes where much of the evidence is a mouse click away would surely appeal to prosecutors and law enforcement. So why are the famous able to continue their illegal behavior unfettered?

We may have just stumbled upon the answer. According to the AP:

Police have charged a man and a woman in London with supplying drugs to soul diva Amy Winehouse. The charges stem from a video that appeared to show the singer smoking crack cocaine.

A-ha! I knew there was no way Amy Winehouse could be a real person. And what self-respecting drug dealer in the greater London area wouldn't be tripping all over themselves to get close to the Amy Winehouse train wreck persona so skillfully created by a scarily dedicated undercover vice agent.

I can't say for sure if similar tactics are being employed here in the States. But please keep this in mind the next time you find yourself feeding Lindsay Lohan blow and laughing when she acts the fool for the camera. The joke could be on you.

13 Songs I've been listening to

The latest installment. If you enjoy any of these songs, and would like to have them in your own collection, I always recommend Googling the song title plus "mp3." If you right click on the link to play the song, and then use the "save link as" function, you could score yourself some free music to listen to anytime on your computer or portable music device. I know there are much easier and surer ways to download free music. But I think this one is the most fun because when it works (and it doesn't always work) you will have a sense of satisfaction to go along with your free music.

Fancy Footwork Chromeo Fancy Footwork
Stupidly, insanely, ridiculously catchy retro dance song.

Fernando Pando The Virgins The Virgins
This band has listened to their Pavement and their Strokes.

Memo From Turner Rolling Stones Performance
When I heard this song a few months ago I thought to myself "wow, a really good Rolling Stone's song that I've never heard before." Then someone told me it had been featured in Goodfellas. So I had heard it before after all. Damn you, Scorsese.

This is The Day The The Soul Mining
It's perfectly OK to hold The The's silly name against them and shun their music, but you would be missing out on this classic.

Oxford Comma Vampire Weekend Vampire Weekend
Not hugely sold on Vampire Weekend -- every few years some well-educated kids come out with a critically acclaimed album of World Beat Lite before disappearing forever -- but I like this song for its playful lyric, its Lil John reference, and how I now know I just used an oxford comma.

Dead Sounds Raveonettes Lust Lust Lust
Band coming into their sound.

Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle Nirvana In Utero
It will never be Nevermind, but Nirvana's last album is very underrated.

It's No Game Part One David Bowie Scary Monsters
Bowie is the gift that keeps giving.

Indie Rokkers MGMT Time to Pretend EP
Cool song, not on the main album.

That's When I Reach for My Revolver Mission of Burma Signals, Calls and Marches
The latest Asian weather crisis reminded me of Mission of Burma.

Paisley Pattern Ground The Black Hollies Casting Shadows
The Black Hollies do psychedelic rock better than it was done back when it was done.

Mr. Understanding Pete and the Pirates Little Death
Infectious -- and makes you dizzy too!

Golden My Morning Jacket It Still Moves
Their new album is quiet disappointing. Here is one from back when they weren't.

South Koreans beef with mad cow

Today in Seoul, 200,000 South Koreans took to the streets to protest their government's decision to resume imports of US beef. Or, for some perspective, that would be the equivalent of 1.2 million Americans flooding the mall in DC to protest our government's decision to resume the imports of Mexican nachos.

The ban on US beef was instituted four and a half years ago after the discovery of Mad Cow disease in a holstein on a Washington state farm. Ostensibly, Mad Cow is why the ban is still in place, but no American or American cow has been infected with Mad Cow (Bovine Spongiform Encephalopath) since. In fact, in the recorded history of the world, only 193 humans have ever contracted the deadly infection, and the overwhelming majority of the victims have been in England.

South Korea takes great pride in their own local cattle industry, and it is possible the protesters have beef nationalism on the mind as much as they do BSE. And it is also true the secretive manner in which South Korea's new government reworked a free trade agreement with the US has irked the Korean public.

In response to the protest South Korea's entire cabinet and Prime Minister have offered their resignation.

I can't help but thinking that none of this would have ever happened if the press had named the extremely rare Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy "woozy" or "drunken" cow disease.

Vetters left unvetted leads to more tit for tat

Today there is increased pressure on Barack Obama to cut ties with long-time Democratic insider Jim Johnson, who Obama had tapped to help select his running mate.

Johnson stands of accused of, among other things, getting a seven million dollar below market rate home loan from Countrywide Insurance through an informal program set up for friends of the embattled mortgage company's CEO.

Obama has in the past used strong language in railing against Countrywide and other subprime lenders, making his association with Johnson -- and Johnson's with the lender -- awkward.

So far Obama has yet to dismiss Johnson with his trademark "this is not the Jim Johnson I know" kiss off. But a controversy surrounding the "vetting of a vetter" is an ominous sign for what is about to become a brutal political slog.

During the Clinton/Obama primary fight a favored tactic of both sides was to hit at the other through the gaffes and biographical glitches of their surrogates and associates, and then to suggest their opponent distance themselves from said surrogate or associate. What prevented this from getting completely out of hand was that every couple weeks there was something more important to focus on: Actual voting results.

Only now, since there won't be any of that voting stuff until November, there will be plenty of time to play the guilt-by-association game to its under-the-bus-tossing conclusion. The revelations about Johnson are surely the tit for a tat the Obama camp launched a couple weeks ago when they put pressure on John McCain to get rid of advisers who had done work as lobbyists.

But, cynical political maneuvering aside, is it even wise for the McCain camp to force Obama to get rid of Johnson? Maybe not. Twice before Johnson has vetted VPs for the Dems. First in 1984 he came up with Geraldine Ferraro, but neglected to uncover that the New York Congresswoman's husband's finances were a criminal mess. Then in 2004 Johnson suggested John Edwards, who never jelled with John Kerry, and who was only able to increase the Democrat's vote share in his home state of North Carolina by .4 percent.

Whether it be Jim Johnson or John Hagee, could there be wisdom in letting the other guy's liability stick around long enough to do some real damage?

Idle threat of the week

Before World War 2 thoroughbred racing and prizefighting were pillars of our sporting landscape. Fast forward a few generations and not only have both fallen well behind sports such as football and even golf, but these days Americans wanting to get their racing or blood lust fix are increasingly tuning out the originals and turning to NASCAR and ultimate fighting.

Unlike boxing, which has become completely irrelevant, horse racing still has its Triple Crown races. And for three spring Sundays every year the ponies rule the sporting roost like they did when your grandmother was young.

From a drama standpoint, it helps that no horse has won all three races since Affirmed did in 1978, but 11 have made it interesting by capturing the first two legs.

This year it was Preakness and Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown's turn to try for non-human athletic immortality. While the colt wasn't able to capture the imagination of the public like the graceful Barbaro or the plucky Smarty Jones had in recent years, Big Brown was still good for a UPS joke or two, excelled at not sustaining fatal injuries during big races, and had the eyes of the nation on him during Sunday's Belmont Stakes.

Of course he didn't win. Instead spectacularly coming in last place. Although he was able to continue his impressive streak of not dying. And Big Brown's quest for the Triple Crown is the idle threat of the week for June 2nd to 8th.

But Big Brown's loss is horse racing's gain. The elusive Triple Crown is all the sport of kings has going for it. Meaning when a horse finally does complete the trifecta, thoroughbred racing will -- in the mangled words of prizefighting's last great superstar -- fade into a bolivian.

Person living in cave learns of fist pound

During a campaign rally in April, Barack Obama appropriated Jay-Z's "you gotta get, that, dirt off your shoulder" gesture to dismiss a shaky debate performance. Seeing a grown man in a suit and running for president employ such a ridiculous non-verbal communication technique made me cringe and feel overwhelmingly embarrassed for the presidential candidate, the crowd cheering the presidential candidate, and for myself for having to have been alive when this took place.

Then the media broke down the significance of the gesture, and I cringed again -- for the media mostly, but also for myself for having to have been alive when this took place.

Over the last couple days another "hip" Obama gesture -- this one a fist pound he completed with his wife -- has elicited even more analysis.

But this time I didn't cringe at all. In fact I viewed it as one of the most positive developments of this campaign; for I sincerely hope one day the fist pound will replace the handshake as America's favored greeting ritual.

My big problem with the handshake is that it is an open invitation to allow another person to attempt to display their physical dominance by smashing their germs into your skin. Wheres in the fist pound contact is always fleeting, and anyone coming in too hard will do so at the risk of their own knuckles.

While have my doubts that Obama could possibly "change" the culture of Washington, as he likes to claim he will, he might just be the guy who can change the way our power brokers say hello and seal their shady deals. And that's the kind of change I can believe in.

From NYC and on AOL

Lakers versus Celtics (just like the video game)

Due to intense thunderstorms yesterday, today the power in the Washington DC region is spotty. This reality has forced me into a Cosi sandwhich shop ,where there is electrocity and free wi-fi. I've heard that many writer/blogger types do their thing in coffee shops, but I can't imagine how.

It is very busy here. The kids got out of school, due to the storm, and they have begun congregating in the Cosi. A group of 11-year olds with spikey hair seem to be plotting something, and not in hushed tones. The woman next to me is talking on her cellphone. She is speaking Spanish, which I can't understand, but she is doing so loudly enough to be distracting. At her decible level I feel like I'm at least owed knowing what she is so charged up about.

Hoops McCann is in NYC, which is still on the grid. Here is his breakdown of the NBA Finals.

Real or fake

This is the best office freak out video I've ever seen. It's a little suspicious that no one flees the room when he gets hold of the fire ax but, then again, it would be hard not to watch.

What I like about this guy is that he's so lost his mind he throws paper with the same intensity he hurls computer monitors. So even if it's acting, well done.

And, really, what is the incentive to stage such an elaborate hoax and then have everybody watch it for free?

Update: Fake!!

The Whitey (or Why'd He) Tape

(I'm bumping this up because it seems to be what everybody is looking for. It was originally posted Monday at 12:15 PM. Since then Larry Johnson has provided no further information -- and gets more unreliable by the hour. On the other hand Democratic insider Bob Beckel got on TV this morning and stated he expects a Michelle Obama bomb to drop tomorrow. Actually, having now seen the Beckel interview on tape [I can't watch youtube videos on my computer] I would say Beckel expresses extreme worry, not a pure expectation, that this could happen.)

Bouncing around the innards of the world wide web, there is potential political scandal more explosive than all the others that have come to pass in this super-charged electoral season.

Some bloggers -- led by ex-CIA agent and Hillary Clinton supporter Larry Johnson -- have been advancing the existence of a so-called "Whitey Tape," a video recording in which Michelle Obama repeatedly uses the epithet "whitey" during a mean-spirited rant in front of the congregation of the controversial Trinity church that she and her husband just "resigned" from.

Although he hasn't seen the tape himself, Johnson, who blogs at noquarterusa.net, wrote a few weeks ago that he knows four reliable people who had, and they tell him it would be a devastating game changer for Obama if and when the tape leaks to the public.

Johnson also claims the tape is currently in the hands of Karl Rove, and that the GOP strategist plans on releasing it in October to maximize its damage to the Democrat's chances of capturing the White House. According to Johnson, word of the tape got out after a right-wing billionaire who Rove showed the tape (likely casino magnet Sheldon Adelson) offered up a million dollar bounty for a copy of the recording because he has it in for John McCain and doesn't want to give the Arizona Senator the benefit of an "October Surprise."

While I don't doubt the possibility that Michelle Obama railed against "whitey" from the pulpit -- the sermons of Reverend Wright and Father Pflegger suggest taking such a pose can really get the crowd going over there -- the involvement of ultimate Republican bogeyman Rove and a Machiavellian, double-crossing billionaire casino boss gives the whole thing a Hollywood quality which had my BS detector flying all over the place when I initially read about it.

Yesterday marked the first time the mainstream media (in so much as Geraldo is the MSM) addressed the topic when the pugnacious Fox News host asked the suddenly ubiquitous Republican dirty trickster Roger Stone if he had heard about the tape.

Stone, fresh off maybe providing the tip that took Eliot Spitzer down, said that he had, and that so far seven networks have contacted him to comment on it. Stone denied having seen the tape himself, but expressed confidence that it does exists, and said he believes one of the "major networks" already has their hands on the incriminating video.

Also yesterday, Johnson provided more logs for the fire when he wrote that the tape is of a panel discussion at Trinity, and Nation of Islam hate-monger Louis Farrakhan is present and involved during the event. He also divulged that the tape was originally acquired by a Republican candidate who is no longer in the race, but who had a crack opposition research team. (Presumably Mitt Romney.)

Late last night a pro-Obama blog seemed to confirm the existence of the tape, but with a twist. The Booman Tribune posits Michelle Obama wasn't saying "whitey" but "why'd he," as in why did he (President Bush) cut off medicare, let New Orleans drown, etc.

The Boorman Tribune's account of what was said has been disputed today by various right-wing bloggers, and there is now a bizarre amount of chatter over the specific transcript of a tape nobody has confirmed actually seeing.

I'll confirm I'm not very schooled in what goes in a church that preaches black liberation theology, but, from what little I've seen, a rhetorical flourish such as morphing "why'd he" into "Whitey" would be a crowd pleaser. Meaning they could all be right.

So what happens next? Since I'm diving into the wild speculation of others, I'll add a bit of my own: The tape will break under the flash of the Drudge Report siren.

I'm not the only Drudge-watcher who has noticed the generally-right-wing Internet trouble maker has been unusually soft on Obama. Granted Drudge hasn't had a dog in the fight since Romney dropped out. (It's hard to believe a First Amendment absolutist like Drudge would take much of shine to a McCain candidacy.) But for Drudge, who rarely passes up an opportunity to engage in race-baiting, to just about completely ignore the whole Reverend Wright controversy -- as he did -- is extraordinarily suspicious.

What if the Romney operatives who had been feeding Drudge quality anti-Giuliani information back in 2007 also tipped him off to the Whitey Tape? And now Drudge is making sure Obama sticks around long enough for him to drop the tape at the most impactful time.

Or maybe Drudge doesn't have the tape, but, like Roger Stone, knows that a network does. That network could be weary of running it -- especially if there is doubt as to what Michelle is actually saying -- and Drudge is just biding his time until an insider slips him a copy. This is exactly how Drudge broke the Lewinsky story which made him famous.

Or maybe this is all a ploy by an ex-CIA agent who is trained in spreading misinformation. Only time will tell.he expects

Idle threat of the week

It has been said that a bad excuse is better than no excuse at all. I'm not entirely sure this is true, but maybe there is some redemptive quality in giving a humiliatingly weak reason for why you have done wrong.

When Tatum O'Neal was arrested over the weekend for buying crack she claimed she was "researching a part." Echoing the excuse fellow actors Eve Mendes and Owen Wilson gave when they were caught entering drug rehab. These are what I would call bad bad excuses.

Especially for Tatum O'Neal. She may have won an Oscar at age ten and made tennis bad boy John McEnroe seem like the voice of reason during their marriage a couple decades ago, but these days the only time the man on the street is going to hear of Tatum O'Neal is when she is splashed across the front page of the New York Post because she was arrested for buying crack cocaine.

So why get all haughty and pull out the "I'm an actor" card when a more typical bad excuse, such as "I thought I was buying rock candy," could possibly endear the troubled 44-year old to the rest of us non-SAG members who have been forced to utter pathetically embarrassing excuses when in similarly desperate situations.

And Tatum O'Neal's misguided attempt to convince the world of the length she will go for her art is the Idle Threat of the Week for May 26th to June 1rst.

Although, I have to give it to her, O'Neal figured out the error of her ways mighty quickly. Yesterday she changed her story and blamed her drug adventure on being depressed about the recent death of her Scottish terrier.

Between dying, running away and eating inappropriate things, dogs justify their moniker as "man's best friend" just by the number of times they pop up in our worst excuses.

Don't look down

This is Caminito del Rey, a mountain walkway that has fallen into disarray. After numerous deaths, the Spanish government forbid explorers from testing their luck on the crumbling, rail-less concrete pass. Although, as seen in the video, insane people who are willing to risk it all to prove they are "extreme" have no qualms about defying the government.

What this video has proven is that I'm so afraid of heights I just about lost my balance and fell off my chair simply watching the endless balancing act.

No JSB TV today. I'm having trouble uploading the video. I'll try again tomorrow, so check back over the weekend.

Lessons from WWI and the R. Kelly trial

On Memorial Day 107-year old Frank Woodruff Buckles was honored for being America's last living World War I veteran. It wasn't until recently the folks who keep track of such things were even aware of Buckles. This may be because, as some historians argue, WWI has always been a war Americans would like to pretend never happened.

One of the theories as to why the US has had -- from right after the doughboys returned home -- this collective amnesia concerning the Great War is that WWI was so brutal and horrible (and lacking in a clear cut narrative) it was uncomfortable to talk about. The war was one of attrition, fought predominantly in trenches. Meaning the overwhelming majority of front line soldiers either died or were seriously injured. Trench death tended to come slowly and painfully, courtesy of poison gas or disease.

With sincere apologies to Mr. Buckles and all of his dead comrades, this brings me to the R. Kelly trial.

Having sold over 33 million albums, R. Kelly is the 25th best selling solo artist of all-time. Yet his criminal trial, currently taking place in Chicago, is so far getting a tiny fraction of the attention the trials of fellow music heavyweights Michael Jackson and Phil Spector received.

Kelly's trial even centers around a videotaped threesome -- the kind of thing news consumers typically enjoy. What makes this particular threesome so unique and felonious is that one participants in the fun was a 14-year old girl and Kelly pees on her.

A disturbing detail which is likely preventing the R. Kelly trial from getting the kind of coverage precedent says it deserves.

Americans may like their gore and sex, but there are limits. And apparently slow death from gangrene and treating a minor as a toilet fall beyond them.

Sex tapes are the new beards

As popular in his home state as he is tan, Florida Governor Charlie Crist has been on the shortlist for the VP slot on the GOP ticket ever since his last minute endorsement of John McCain propelled the Arizona Senator to victory in Florida's primary, and the driver's seat for the nomination.

But Crist, a sparkly-eyed bachelor, has also been dogged by rumors that he has a secret -- the same type of secret that contributed to fellow sparkly-eyed Sunshine State bachelor politician Mark Foley's sad downfall.

So far Crist's best defense against this speculation has been the rumor that he fathered an out-of-wedlock child in 1989.

But now, courtesy of controversial GOP operative and proud swing club enthusiast Roger Stone (who is the subject of a fascinating article in this week's New Yorker) there is buzz about a sex tape involving Charlie Crist and a woman.

Sex might be a strong word, for Crist and his friend with real female parts were only kissing when their images were captured by an elevator security camera. But reportedly Crist pulls the make-out session off without making a grossed-out face.

Stone, who is saving the tape "to play on the national shows," worked on Crist's 2006 campaign for governor.

If this tactic actually works, and Crist is ungayed in the eyes of party skeptics, look for Mitt Romney to attempt to dispel those nasty rumors that he is a Mormon by leaking a tape involving a six pack of beer and a swear word.

Beverly Hills meets Maryland (again)

Beverly Hills 90210 will always have a special place in my heart because the characters were roughly my age (on screen, at least), and the show's creator went to the next suburban Maryland high school over from mine, and allegedly based the show on his experiences there.

There will be a new generation of 90210 coming out soon, and unless this trailer is lying it will be "cooler, sexier and more provocative" than the original.

But beyond recycling an old show, 90210 2.0 is also recycling the streetwise-black-kid-adopted-into-privilege theme that made hits out of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Different Strokes.

Fans of The Wire will notice this time around the color will be provided by Tristan Wilds, the actor who portrayed doting-older-brother-turned -remorseless-hitman Michael on the critically acclaimed Baltimore-based crime drama.

So will this career step put Wilds on a Will Smith-trajectory towards 100 million dollar Fourth of July movie openings, or a Gary Coleman-trajectory towards having to sell really embarrassing things on Ebay?

Or does it mean a revenge-minded Marlo will overcome his agoraphobia, take a trip across the country, and wreck havoc in West Beverly?

Idle threat of the week

In Basic Instinct's famous interrogation room scene, Sharon Stone pioneered the modern vagina flash while Newman from Seinfeld and the original detective from the never ending Law and Order series felt the heat and loosened their collars.

Stone didn't quite achieve the same effect last week in Cannes when, arriving at the seaside festival via a motorboat, she similarly exposed herself to the paparazzi. As another blogger put it, it looks like Stone had been stung by bees. (NSFW)

But that's nothing compared to what the paps caught underneath Amy Winehouse's short skirt. It turns out the neo-soul artist and ridiculous human being is such a mess she has taken to wearing diapers.

It wasn't so long ago that movie goers were willing to shell out eight bucks to catch a quick glance of Stone's goods. Britney and Paris etc reduced that equation to a flash of forbidden flesh for Internet hits. Now Stone and her incontinent sister in too-much-up the-skirt-sharing have made clicking onto such pictures a harrowing experience, and one that most normal people would have to be paid to embark upon.

And, with images of bunched up adult diapers and bloated labias lingering, the crotch shot ever being sexy again is the Idle Threat of the Week for May 19 to 25th.

Maybe this all will encourage photographers to point their cameras elsewhere.

Tattoos of the creative underclass confuse people

The article and picture in question.

The hemorphidites and horse-swappers of yore

As we enter into the general election one thing is for certain: There will be much moaning from the candidates, the media, and the "public" about the the negative tone the campaign will inevitably take. Even though mere policy could never sustain a six month election news cycle, the self-righteous critics will complain how slander and innuendo is no way to elect a President, and that such tactics breed hopelessness and cynicism. But what they won't say is such tactics are un-American. And if they do they are sorely misinformed.

Those who took in the John Adams mini-series on HBO last month were exposed to the ugliness of the 1800 election, which pitted Adams against Thomas Jefferson, his sometimes good friend and his current Vice President.

During the campaign both candidates pummeled the other's character in widely-distributed pamphlets. Including this dozy leveled against the sitting President:

(Adams is a) hideous hermaphroditical character which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.

On the strength of that disturbing image (and opposition to the Alien and Sedition Act) Jefferson won the election.

The Lincoln/Douglas debates of 1858 are often looked upon as the height of our nation's political discourse. But in fact the two statemen's traveling show was rife with petty insults, many focusing on the other's physical appearance. Douglas was regularly assailed for being short and fat, while Lincoln constantly lambasted for being gangly and ugly. In that vein Stephen Douglas launched this verbal barb against the great emancipator:

(Lincoln is a) horrid-looking wretch, sooty and scoundrelly in aspect, a cross between the nutmeg dealer, the horse-swapper and the nightman.

I tried to do a little research into nutmeg dealers of the 19th century, but all searches yielded only the original quote. So I have no idea if such a vocation is better or worse than being a Weatherman or a lobbyist.

More examples of old-fashion campaign values here and here.

In as poor taste as the lunch buffet at the China Hut

In the past the Chinese government has responded to large scale disasters by imposing press blackouts.

But, with their Olympic coming out party looming, Beijing has been much more willing to let the information flow in the aftermath of the devastating earthquake which has so far killed over 40,000.

How has the Chinese press responded to these new freedoms in a time of crisis? Well, a Chinese magazine called The New Travel Weekly went all Girls Gone Wild in their earthquake coverage by having lingerie-clad models pose amid the wreckage for an issue that hit newsstands on the first day of China's national day of mourning for the quake's victims.

While this may have drove up traffic at the weekly's website, it also attracted the attention of government censors, who declared that the ghoulish glamour shoot "seriously violated propaganda discipline" and was an "extremely evil social influence."

The issue was pulled and the magazine's editorial leadership sacked.

Maybe one day Chinese provocateurs will master the kind of tastelessness that drives so much of the consumer culture China has begun to embrace. But for now its envelope-pushers are making charges like "seriously violated propaganda discipline" sound sensible.

Western-style exploitation isn't as easy as it looks.

McCain's new convention strategy

While I believe John McCain has a better than not chance of being the next President of the United States, he will face a serious obstacle on September 4th when he will be forced to address the Republican Convention in Minneapolis.

The problem won't be so much that his stance on issues such as immigration reform and global warming will be in stark contrast to most of the delegates amassed at the Xcel Energy Center, rather it will be that the delegates will all be Republicans, and they will put their differences with Arizona Senator aside and cheer him enthusiastically.

Then McCain will be forced to acknowledge the crowd's cheers, and perhaps look towards the rafters and smile at President Bush, who will be doing his own cheering from a special box. Unfortunately for McCain, cameras will capture all of this cheering and smiling and acknowledging, and the images will be beamed to homes all over America, reminding people how much they don't like a lot of the people who have just become very excited about John McCain.

There isn't a lot poor John McCain can do about this. (If some sort of devastating disaster befalls the Twin City region in late August, be very suspicious.)

His one saving grace, if you can call it that, is he will probably have his good friend Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman to introduce him. Lieberman is no great shakes, but he is not a Republican either -- in fact he ran on the Democratic ticket for Vice President just eight years ago.

But is there another failed Democratic Vice Presidential candidate out there that John McCain can recruit to help him survive Minneapolis?

Yes there is! In interviews over the last couple days, Geraldine Ferraro has given every indication she would still like to work hard to defeat Barack Obama, whose campaign she feuded with earlier in the year over race and gender issues.

Ferraro didn't add much to the Democratic ticket in 1984, but she just might be what the Republicans need to get through another hour of prime time convention coverage without alienating most of America.

With Lieberman and Ferraro on board, McCain would have the support of two out of the four living failed Democratic Vice Presidential nominees, and would only need John Edwards and Sargent Shriver to complete the set. (Mondale actually won in '76, so he doesn't count.)

Getting the endorsements of Edwards or Shriver is probably a bridge too far. Although on the off-chance McCain was able to build an insurmountable lead on Obama before the convention, Edwards could surely be convinced to jump ship with some flimsy promise of a "poverty tour." McCain might also try to get Arnold Schwarzenegger, a fellow member of the super exclusive popular Republican club, to lean on Shriver, who happens to be the action-star-turned-governor's father-in-law.

But two out of four ain't bad. In fact the slogan for the 2008 Republican Convention could be "Now With the Support of 50 Percent of the Living Failed Democratic Nominees for Vice President."

Anyone have a better one?

Hoops sets the NBA punditry agenda

I just noticed that famous basketball pundit Bill Simmons has echoed JSB basketball correspondent Hoops McCann's theory that Kevin Garnett's turned-up-to-11 effort in the regular season doesn't necessarily translate to post-season success.

Here are Hoop's conference final picks.