A fragrance for a man and a modem

There is a lot of comment and ridicule on the Internet this morning surrounding a New York Times article on Calvin Klein's attempt to update its uber-popular 13-year old scent, CK One.

According to the article CK One was once "so authentically grunge it was carried in record stores alongside albums by Nirvana." The unisex product's marketing campaign, which featured "unconventional black and white advertisements filled with moping, androgynous models," was such a success CK One used to sell 20 bottles a minute -- apparently quite an accomplishment in the world of fragrance.

But CK One's inability to conquer the hearts and olfactories of today's twenty-somethings has sent sales tumbling.

The updated fragrance, CK in2u -- a nod to the shorthand of the new digital age, not the song title-writing stylings of the ancient pop star Prince -- will be released soon.

What made the article so cringe-worthy (the author acknowledges this and seems to be in on the cringing) was its account of the nuts and bolts of establishing and marketing what is hip and sexy. Which is never a pretty read.

According to the folks at Calvin Klein's ad agency, the newest consumer generation of "technosexuals" will respond to ad copy such as this:

"She likes how he blogs, her texts turn him on. It's intense. For right now."

I'm sure you are all wondering how your favorite blogger is reacting to being elevated to a status of sexiness once held by the androgynous grunge rockers of the mid-90's.

Actually, this morning, when I first read the link "Calvin Klein to launch technosexual fragrance," I took it to mean, in my grogginess, that Calvin Klein -- who has always seemed a bit off with all the underaged stuff and the wood paneling -- had discovered a whole new sexuality -- probably involving machines -- to rival the old standbys of hetero, homo, and the always suspicious bi.

I thought to myself: That ought to be one fascinating article.

When I discovered it was about a perfume to put on when you are staring at a computer screen in your pajamas I was nothing but disappointed.

It's like an Intenet PSA for depression with a "jump"

Maybe rollover isn't the worst phrase imaginable to use in an advertisement for a SUV. Spontaneously combusts when tapped lightly from behind is worse. But not even the most boneheaded of copy writers could stumble upon a way to work that one in.

So easy Kevin Federline can do it

It started about five years ago with a painfully annoying duck shilling insurance for Aflac the only way it knew how. Fellow insurance company Geico joined the fray with their own grating critter variation -- this one reptilian and with a Cockney accent.

The chatty gecko was the next of a massive, wall-to-wall, varied ad campaign lauched by industry laggard Geico -- which now spends more money on television than Pepsi Co. -- to increase its market share.

Other Geico highlights have been their ubiquitous non-sequitur spots that end with the punch line "I've got great news—I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance," and their hilarious Tiny House reality show spoof that had me going the first three times I saw it.

But Geico really hit their stride, thematically, with its caveman spots. The cavemen -- played as effete sophisticates -- distress and complain about Geico's new slogan: "So easy a caveman could do it."

It is the little details, such as a caveman ordering mango sauce at the restaurant, or another putting his mother on speaker phone during a therapy session that make the campaign so entertaining.

But its overarching message about an outrage culture where anything perceived to be offensive will not only elicit a chorus of apology demands, but might send the offender to rehab -- in absence of re-education camps --also resonates.

The latest insurance company to conclude it is better to tickle the funny bone than to harp upon the fragility of life is Nationwide. Their much ballyhooed Super Bowl ad will feature Kevin Federline, America's first man of gold digging, portraying a rapper who loses his fortune and is forced to work in a fast food restaurant.

Not surprisingly a group called the National Restaurant Association has gone the way of the caveman and protested the negative portrayal of fast food workers in the upcoming ad.

So is this a case of art imitating life and then being imitated by life? Or is that just life?

Either way, I'm still not sure what type of insurance any of these companies sell.

JSB is the straw that broke the camel's back

Apple ditches their all-too hateable Mac guy.

Good for all the wrong reasons

Apple's Mac vs. PC spots always grab me. They've been running for about six months now, and I still perk up every time I see the white background and hear the music-box muzak.

It has been well-established the actor who plays the Mac comes off as beyond smug. There is even a well-circulated parody of the ad campaign that gets to this.

Which is OK, I guess. Apple is a know-it-all type of company -- there's no point in running away from that. And the ads do effectively point out the comparative advantages a Mac has over a generally less expensive PC.

The problem with the ads is the PC, played by humorist and occasional Daily Show contributor John Hodgman, is funny and charming.

So not only has Apple confirmed their smugness stereotype, but they have done the impossible and assinged a likable personalty to the spread-sheet factory that is the PC.

Maybe the creators of the ad thought viewers would look at the two actors and prefer identifying with the well-scrubbed but unshaven "hipster" who plays the Mac to Hodgeman's exaggerated, rotund dorkiness as the PC.

My problem with that is anyone who thinks a computer is an extension of himself is probably too stupid to be a reliable customer. I prefer to think of my computer as a friend -- my best friend.

The Mac vs. PC campaign makes me proud to be best friends with a lovable PC -- while I shun the insufferable Mac.

The fact Apple pays for these ads is a tragedy.

Malawi pulls the old switchero

A couple months ago an ad campaign which featured Western celebrities such as David Bowie, Richard Gere and Alicia Keys proclaiming themselves "African" was launched.

It was universally mocked. Gwyneth Paltrow bore the brunt of the scorn for this photo.

I can see why. A little blue paint and some beads does not an African make. Although if she had given herself AIDS or gone through a period of malnourishment her Nubian roots wouldn't have been so easy to dismiss.

Plus the ads are confusing. I'm just going to assume they are for a charity and not a threat to recolonize the dark continent with actors and singers.

The campaign also seems to have confused Malawi. When Gwyneth's good friend Madonna paid the African nation a visit yesterday its government announced The Material Girl had agreed to adopt one of their many AIDS orphans. Even though Malawi doesn't usually permit foreigners to adopt its citizens a lineup of twelve orphans was prepared for Madonna to chose from.

And why not? We are all Africans and other celebrities proved it by adopting.

Madonna's "mystified" representatives dismissed the claims Madge was planning on returning home with a little black bundle of joy as "completely inaccurate" and a "bizarre hoax."

It sounds to me like an African nation is using a Western celebrity for publicity.

Completely inappropriate.

Kim Jong Il ruins car ads

Over the past year, Volkswagen has released a series of excellent television advertisements, leading with a trio of wacky but hilarious spots which simultaneously lampoon stereotypes of Germans and the American "pimp my ride" car culture.

Next, VW got serious with a spot where the suddenness of a car crash is depicted in a way you'd never expect from a car commercial.

Most recently, to highlight their brand's "lack of ego," VW ran spots where owners of traditional luxury cars use mega-phones to scream their insecurities out their driver-side window.

Taken together it is impressive body of work by Crispin Porter. The VW ads are completely different from each other, but all equally unique and memorable when compared to the other ads on TV. Even better, I remember them as ads for VW.

My favorite ad of all-time takes place in a boardroom during a business meeting. Somebody suggests a way to solve a business related problem. It goes ignored. Then the boss makes the same suggestion but punctuates it with an authoritative hand gesture. The boardroom erupts in agreement. "You just said what I just said only you did this," the worker protests and tries to repeat the hand gesture." No I did this," the boss replies, mimicking the motion. Again the board room erupts in agreement.

CNBC ran the hand gesture ad every commercial break in 2001 and 2002. I was watching CNBC eight hours a day back then (not for pleasure) but was still amused every time the ad ran. Yet, I can't remember if it was an ad for IBM, Fedex, AT&T or UPS. I don't think I ever could.

Five years from now I'm sure I'll remember the VW ads as ads for VW. But I will also remember them for something else:

They sum up the developments of my thoughts on North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.

A first KJI was wacky and fun (at least to someone who didn't live in North Korea;) He was the world's greatest golfer, he proposed a whole new way to look at the opera, he designed many of the better buildings in Pyongyang -- all the while finding the time to drive his people into grass eating poverty.

Suddenly, there was the stark and jolting realization this madman could be on his way to developing rocket technology that would allow him to strike the United States with a nuclear missile.

But, after seven years of reading stories just like this without anything happening KJI is beginning to seem like a guy who has leapt, Dr. Strangeglove style, on a theoretical nuclear missile because that's the best way to grab the world's attention, which he needs to deal with his insecurities.

I'm not exactly sure where I stand on Kim Jong Il today -- he could be a complete nut-job who would never attack the US or his Asian neighbors because that would be suicidal and he's having too much fun with his golf and his opera to want to die. But then again nut jobs do nutty things. Or it could all be a plea for attention; which would cast doubt upon whether his claims of developing nuclear material and pending missile tests are credible enough to deal with on even a diplomatic level.

Currently, the merits of these different scenarios are being weighed in the halls State Department, as well as in think tanks and editorial boards around the nation and world.

It is likely I will be the only one searching the next Volkswagen ad for the answer.