Kucinich decides to go with the crazy

In a book to be released next month, Shirley MacLaine, who is the godmother of Dennis Kucinich's daughter, claims the six-term Ohio Congressmen and presidential candidate once spotted a UFO while visiting the actress's home. She writes:

Dennis found his encounter extremely moving. The smell of roses drew him out to my balcony where, when he looked up, he saw a gigantic triangular craft, silent, and observing him.

There are three explanations for this: First of which is that MacLaine, who has long been America's leading advocate of reincarnation, has completely lost her mind and dreamt the whole thing up.

Or it could be Dennis Kucinich was drawn to the balcony by the smell of roses and spotted something that looked like a gigantic triangular craft.

But, cynic that I am, I'm betting on the third explanation: The one where Kucinich plants the story to drum up interest in his campaign.

It must by tough for Kucinich to look across the primary aisle and see the success of his true believer counterpart Ron Paul. And by success I don't mean the kind of move-up-in-the-polls success that has come to define politics. But instead the success of amassing a group of fervent supporters who are willing to stuff every on-line poll on your behalf, to wreck so much spam-like havoc on popular political websites that they get banned as a group, and to send you a surprisingly large cache of money -- literally dug up from under their mattresses.

Unfortunately for Kucinich, Paul has already cornered the market on 9/11 Truthers, militiamen, survivalists, and those with blood vendettas against the Federal Reserve Board.

Hence Kucinich's naked appeal to the equally fervent UFO crowd. Sure it's not going to get him elected anything, but it just might give him the opportunity to keep loudly preaching to the bitter end.

So don't be surprised when Kucinich shows up to the next debate dressed as his favorite Star Trek character.

Pol hates puppy murders, has power of damnation

In this senile and emotional speech about the puppy-murdering running quarterback Michael Vick, the senile and emotional Senator Robert Byrd appears to be presenting a hilarious spoof of the very same senile and emotional Senator Robert Byrd you see before you.

Note the repeated use of the word "barbaric," and how Byrd's voice skillfully rises each time he mentions it. Also note that one has to have been crazy for many decades before they are able to make an almost coherent point with such randomly spaced dramatic pauses.

The speech takes quite a turn at the end, when Byrd literally condemns Vick to Hell. My constitutional scholarship might not be all it could be, but I am almost positive the original framers did not grant Congress the power of eternal damnation. Internet fav and original intent zealot Ron Paul is going to be less than pleased with Byrd's wanton expansion of congressional jurisdiction. We can only hope for a response video.

Long shots or plants? You decide

Having been out and about, I completely missed the second Republican debate Tuesday night. All the recaps I've read suggest Rudy Giuliani shook out of his post-abortion doldrums and put forth a much stronger performance than he had the first time out.

The general consensus is that the key moment in Rudy’s comeback occured when, to the delight of the crowd, he emphatically challenged Ron Paul's assertion that America's foreign policy (in particular the sporadic bombing the US had been engaging in Iraq during the nineties) contributed to 9/11. With the pro-life audience now behind him, Rudy demanded the Libertarian non-interventionist apologize for his assault on the sacred tragedy Giuliani is so intertwined with.

This all sounds suspiciously similar to the first Democratic debate, when Barack Obama was able to recover from his shaky answer on what he would do as president if America was attacked by getting in a good smack against an Iran-related pacifist softball Dennis Kucinich conveniently tossed the Illinois Senator.

The long tail of obscurity that marks both parties' primary fields is a boom for those who write about politics. The no-shots provide color to what would otherwise be dreary early debates, and the raw numbers they add allow us to resort to the easy-to-compose yet informative candidate-by-candidate recap format when wrapping things up.

But could there be a more sinister beneficiary to these seemingly gratuitous inclusions? I can't say for sure. Just don't be surprised if, in a future Republican debate, Tom Tancrado turns to John McCain and questions his willingness to sacrifice for our country, or if, in a future Democratic debate, Mike Gravel demands Hillary Clinton get off the stage and cook him dinner.