The JSB

Friday, November 21, 2008

Pirates are back!

And wrecking swashbuckling, oil-thieving havoc on the high seas. In light of this, is it still OK to continue to think of pirates as ironic, kitschy mascots? Ponder the question over at Asylum.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Is there still time for an October surpise?

So far, nothing. But we still have four more days. I speculate on what the October surprise may be over on Asylum.com

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Would you eat people?

If you didn't have much of a choice? Vote here.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Which VP candidate is going to crash and burn

During Thursday's debate. The smart money is on Palin, but you can make a case for Biden too. Vote here.

'Cause you are all wondering



I ended up finishing 11th this year in the entire Yahoo! fantasy baseball universe. Since I also won my pay league, I will get a shirt declaring me a Yahoo! fantasy winner. I have already promised people I will wear said shirt in social settings, and do so proudly and without a hint of irony.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

What candidate is most likely to cheat

On his wife, that is. Vote here.

Also, I have all sorts of interesting stuff up on Asylum today check out.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Week three picks

At Atlanta -5.5 Kansas City
Atlanta rated #1 city for singles, Kansas City now #1 city for obscure quarterbacks.

At Buffalo -9.5 Oakland
It’s been over a week since the initial report that Monte Kifffin had been fired, and Kiffen is still around. The 33-year old attributes his surprising continued tenure to avoiding Owner Al Davis. Which is not hard to do considering, technically, Al Davis is dead.

At Tennessee -5 Houston
The city may have been hit hard by Ike, but Houston can take comfort in avoiding the whole Vince Young situation

At NY Giants -13.5 Cincinnati
Will the financial crisis put on damper on luxury box sales in the three new major New York City area stadiums opening up in the next two years? Eh, probably not.

At Washington -3 Arizona
Jim Zorn is the first NFL head coach with a Z name for at least 25 years. Using Google, it took me about five seconds to find that out. Isn’t technology grand?

At New England -12.5 Miami
Cassell a couple wins away from being able to impregnate a reality TV star.

At Chicago -3 Tampa Bay
Brian Griese returns to Chicago, which raises the question of when was the last time the Bears had a quarterback that wasn’t tied to drunkenness?

At Minnesota
-3.5 Carolina
Here is a picture of P Diddy stepping in poo just because.

At Seattle -9.5 St. Louis
The Seattle Seahawks are not too big to fail.

At San Francisco -4 Detroit
I now officially find people who take time out of their lives to protest Scientology more objectionable than actual Scientologists.

At Denver -5.5
New Orleans
Here's hoping Colorado's new swing state status will call more attention to Mike Shanahan's spectacular tan.

At Philadelphia -3.5 Pittsburgh
Tune in to see what Eagle player does something goofy around the goal line and costs hundred's of thousands of fantasy players their week.

At Baltimore -2 Cleveland
Given the current credit crisis and the continued lack of a gold standard, wouldn’t a credible third party Ron Paul candidacy be getting fun about now?

Dallas -3 At Green Bay 51
Given the talent surrounding both of the them, and Rogers's promising start, Romo vs. Rogers could quickly develop into the NFC's premier QB match up.

At San Diego -9 NY Jets 44
After blowing last week's game for the Chargers, Popeye-armed ref Ed Hochuli says he has been besieged with hate emails from San Diego. If there are two things that will never sound right in the same sentence it's "hate mail" and "San Diego."

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Monday, September 15, 2008

I hate to brag (not really.)

But my fantasy baseball team is currently 12th among the tens of thousand teams playing Yahoo fantasy baseball plus:

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Death Watch: David Foster Wallace

It is pretentious and arrogant, but underneath the careless flashiness Infinite Jest was the work of genuine creative genius. It was also the work of a guy who must have had some pretty scary stuff running through his head. David Foster Wallace was 46.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Some of my best friends are virtual black people

I read a lot of articles about scientific studies and psychological experiments these days, and I was just reading one about racism in Second Life -- that weird virtual world that is apparently quite popular with people I don't know.

Anyway the article had a comment section, and rather quickly the virtual gamers started throwing accusations of racism at each other. One that was answered with this classic comment:

The Lohan/Ronson marriage, bad for the gays

What if Lindsay Lohan and her celebrity DJ girlfriend Samatha Ronson really do get married, as Samantha keeps suggesting they will? Same sex marriage is legal in California, at least until it goes to ballot in November, so the happy lesbian couple could go all out with the church and the ceremony and then sell all the photos to US Weekly for a princely sum.

It would be by far the most high profile gay marriage of all time, but it would only last a couple weeks -- or until the next time Lindsay runs into some Swedish male model with an eight ball and stops being gay. If you are a gay person, you can't be happy with this potential development.

For more controversial subjects involving non-traditional sex, check out the latest barroom debate.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Did you know?

The president of Thailand is being forced to resign because he violated his nation's constitution by appearing on a cooking show. Could it be the Thai framers brilliantly foresaw the bouillabaissed threat populist cooking show hosts would eventually pose to a nation's political system, while our founding fathers were hopelessly hung up on some inbred king? If so, a big minus for the US of A.

For more constitutional issues, check out the latest barroom debate.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Death Watch: Dave Freeman

Even a death watcher who is taking it easy for August can't help but recognize the death of the guy who co-authored the popular travel book "100 Things To Do Before You Die."

Tragically, Dave Freeman had only completed about half of his list when his untimely death came at the age 47. Freeman died in a fall, which presumably wasn't one of things he planned on doing before he died.

Also, check out my latest political debate on Asylum: Is it more of a political liability to have a really rich wife (John McCain) or a really poor brother (Barack Obama)?

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Cue the dueling banjos

So I'm finally getting this whole concept of Georgia being more than just America's fourth state down, but this headline still got me:


What sport should be added to the Olympics?

Vote!!!!!

As a bonus for voting, here is a gallery of sexy ads to look at. It is a bit on the not safe for work side, for those of you at work, and not up in the country and out in the sun like I am right now.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Olympic update

Apparently last night all of the US woman's gymnasts fell down and blow the gold medal to a bunch of eight year old Chinese slaves. I have to admit ever since I learned NBC was broadcasting the Olympics on about a 24 hour tape delay I've lost any interest in watching. But if you do watch it tonight how will you even know the Chinese eight year olds winning the gold medal on TV are the same Chinese eight year olds who won it in real life? It seems to me, based on what has so far gone down in these games, the Chinese government and NBC will probably conspire to superimpose cuter eight-year olds over the actual footage.

In a related story, the Internet is abuzz about one of the American gymnasts who cost her nation gold by not being able to maintain her balance. Her name Alicia Sacramone and she has hit the sweet spot of being a moderately cute girl who happens to now be a famous athlete.

She also once flat knocked a guy out in a youtube video.




If you click through you will see that the victim of her feminine fury defends himself in the comment section. He went to Brown, so that pretty much explains everything.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

The Olympics are here



Yeah, the contrast is completely off. I should have filmed from a different place, but I didn't have a good surface. I will certainly keep this in mind next time.

For some stuff to read, check out this barroom debate about a waterboarding sideshow in Coney Island, and the latest installment of Great Moments in Political Punditry, in which things get way too phallicy

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

I know I haven't been posting much lately here

I've been doing other writing stuff, and also trying not to knock myself out by struggling against the mid-summer news black hole. One way or the other, I do hope to express on this space my very low opinion of the Olympic Games before they begin.

Here are a couple things I did today, a "where are they now?" gallery on 80s supermodels and a barroom debate over whether it would be more fun to drink with Barack Obama or John McCain.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Scarlett Johansson vs. the other girl from The Hills

My latest dip into posing the pertinent electoral questions all the fancy political journalist neglect to ask is which candidate has the better hot celebrity endorser.


Old dudes partying with young chicks


Can you even imagine the controversy if Kerry was President and Belding still the principal of Bayside High?

Monday, July 28, 2008

John Edwards likes to spread his seed

While the Democrats chances to recapture the White House are surely boasted by an unpopular president and a sluggish economy, the biggest break the party may have caught in 2008 is not nominating John Edwards for President. That is because the former North Carolina Senator and 2004 VP candidate has recently sired a child with a woman who is not his cancer-stricken wife.

The National Enquirer, the tabloid that reported a woman named Rielle Hunter was pregnant with Edwards's child last year, caught Edwards leaving, at 2:45 AM last Tuesday, the Los Angeles-area hotel room Hunter and the baby were staying at. According to a security guard at the hotel Edwards's face "went totally white," before the well-coiffed politician ran down the hallway and dived into a men's bathroom.

I had done a post on the rumors of Edwards infidelity -- and Rielle Hunter's bizarre connection to the book American Psycho -- last December. And it turns out all the rumors and connections are completely true.

So score for Internet rumor-mongering. Proven accurate once again.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Great moments in political punditry

It looks like I'm going to be doing a weekly feature on "great moments in political punditry" over on Asylum.com. It's going to be a round up of all the gaffes, hyperbole, violations of logic and just plain untruths that our ever-increasing political pundit class spews.

I'll probably post links to it from here and, also, if any of you are watching TV and see a pundit say something egregious let me know at jeremytaylor1 at google's email site.

Here is the debut post -- we are still working on the formatting a bit -- but I think it's going to end up being a winner.

The Pine Tar Incident turns 25

25 years ago Yankee manager and rascally rabble-rouser Billy Martin got the umpires to disallow a two-run, top-of-the ninth homer George Brett had hit to put the Royals up 5-4 because the pine-tar on his bat exceeded 18-inches and was in violation of baseball rules. (As one commentator stated, Brett became the first player in baseball history to hit a game losing home run.)

Called out, Brett then charged from of the dugout angrier than any man in the history of anger.


Upon protest by the Royals, the American League office reversed the umpire's decision, deciding "the spirit of the game" hadn't been violated. Three weeks later the ninth from the point of Brett's homer was replayed and the Royals won.

It was quite difficult to track the video of the incident down, but I finally found it in all of its glory.

Along the way I came across two funny dramatizations of the incident, one by a few guys in the snow and one by Johnny Bench. Both fitting tributes to one of the classic moments in baseball history.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Asking the hard questions the MSM ignores

You probably haven't thought a whole lot about the kind of aliens that come from outer space during this electoral season. But, as Bill Pullman proved in Independence Day, the role of the United States President in any space invasion is vital. So the little green men are here, Barack Obama or John McCain who you got?

Death Watch: Estelle Getty

Sadly, Estelle Getty has died at age of 84. Getty was best known for her role of Sophie on The Golden Girls. Even though Getty played the mother of one of the sitcom's geriatric characters, in real life she was about the same age or younger than her silver-haired cast mates. Apparently there was a lot of make up involved.

As a youngster I learned a great deal about sex from the watching The Golden Girls. Which is a really weird fact, and something I will try to never remember again.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Dick disappoints

Last night Andy Dick was arrested for sexual battery. This is far from the first time Dick has been arrested, or has battered sexually, but it is the first time he has made his way onto the police blotter by combining his two passions.

When the story broke on the wires a couple hours ago it offered no details other than Andy Dick had been arrested for sexual battery.

It happens to be, when it comes to sexual battery and Andy Dick, the specifics of the assault would be of the utmost importance. That is because the bisexual terror has a long history of biting, urinating upon, licking the face of and exposing himself to both sexes, all ages, and the famous as well as the anonymous. In the past Dick has also had no problem leaving his Hollywood home and practicing his unique brand of public perversion in podunk towns such as Cleveland, Ohio and Edmonton, Alberta.

As I waited for more information, I speculated upon the details that would emerge: I was pulling for Dick rubbing his genitals against an 80-year old man outside of a nursing home in Jackson, MS during broad daylight.

What I got instead was Dick feeling the breast of a 17-year old girl outside of a Los Angeles-area Buffalo Wild Wings at 1:15 AM.

A sexual battery that it is easy to imagine an average run-of-the-mill celebrity pervert like Christan Slater committing. It adds nothing to Dick's legendarily bizarre body of work, and is quite disappointing indeed.

But here is a fun Dick fact that is sure to brighten anybody's day: His name really is Andy Dick.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Child beats regressive taxation of prize machine


While most of us stand by powerlessly as the claw machine steals all the quarters we needed to park our cars and do our laundry, this little girl decided to do something about it. And for a brief period of time she become the biggest prize of all. Luckily this tale has a happy ending.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Idle threat of the week

Being that Iran is to idle threats as A-rod is to overly muscular women, we here at Idle Threat of the Week tend to disregard all of Iran's laughable bluster, so as to give other entities a chance to win the coveted award.

Anyway, even if fairness wasn't at play, its seems like most of the rhetoric out of Tehran is largely for the purpose of getting Iran in the news -- kind of like Paris Hilton and her vagina but with more emphasis on the elimination of Israel -- and by recognizing their threats we are actually giving them validity.

But now that we've significantly insulted the Islamic Republic by comparing her to A-Rod's taste in woman and Paris Hilton's vagina, we have to admit last week's Iranian idle threat nominee -- the one in which Iran officially released an image of four medium range missiles being tested, only for it to be revealed that it was actually three missiles with a fourth photosphoped in -- was too good pass up.

While Iran's wouldn't be the first government to dip into photoshop propaganda, there is something naively ridiculous in thinking that four non-nuclear land-launched missiles are so much scarier than three non-nuclear land-launched missiles that it is worth a credibility risking fraud. And Iran's image-altered saber-rattling is the Idle Threat of the Week for July 8th to 14th.

Now that Iran has shown they can bring their idle threats into 21rst century, they are going to have to go for something more Web 2.0 if they want to be recognized again by this body. I'm thinking a viral video of adorable Persian puppies soaked in the blood of vanquished invader armies. Ironically of course.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Flint will not make the same mistake twice

When I was a kid I really liked the film Roger & Me, which I thought was subversive and hilarious. But when I saw it as an adult it bothered me the extent to which director Michael Moore played the sad-sack, economically devastated residents of his hometown of Flint, Michigan for laughs. Which is par for the course for a man who in a later documentary manipulated an Alzheimer-ridden Carleton Heston to make a point.

But even without Moore's cruel characterization, Flint would still be an ongoing symbol of epic industrial failure. And what has the city learned from its Rust Belt nightmare? That unless decline is dealt with quickly and with overwhelming force there is a risk it will become the permanent reality. Hence Flint's new ordinance on saggy pants:


Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Businesses often use sex to sell their products

I did a gallery of banned print ad for Asylum which came out pretty well. One of the things I discovered as a result of my research is that ads in the United States are far less racy than those in the rest of the English speaking world. Which is interesting because the UK, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Canada all have centralized organizations which regulate ads, and the United States doesn't.

So in America it is up to the corporate gatekeepers to keep things clean. And, from what I could gather, they seem to do a pretty thorough job of this. Elsewhere in the Anglosphere magazines, newspapers and billboard companies are more likely to run an ad that could be controversial or offensive, leaving it up to the regulatory body to ultimately decide. Which leads to more banned ads, but also a lot more skin and suggestiveness.

Also, one of my old friends just started a blog documenting his life and times as a newly unemployed Wall Streeter. Check it out.

Ventura body slams Stuart Smalley

With all this talk of "change" and "mavericks" it's easy to forgot that not so long ago there were true political mavericks, whose calls for change really did alter the political landscape.

The tone-deaf obstinance of Ralph Nadar was almost certainly responsible for the Bush presidency, and there is a very good chance that Bill Clinton would have ended up as a red-faced historical footnote if it wasn't for Ross Perot's unbalanced balancing act.

But, in terms of electoral success, the top mavericky change agent of the pre-Bush era was Jesse Ventura. Running on a platform of clever commercials, returning the state's budget surplus to the people, and humbly admitting that he wasn't up to speed on all the issues, the Body/Mind went from steroid abusing wrestling heal to Governor of Minnesota

Eye-deep in a blood feud with the local press, Ventura chose not to seek re-election in 2002.

This morning Ventura announced he will probably be joining a Minnesota Senate race that already includes comedian Al Franken. Yes, that would make two former wrestlers with ties to the entertainment industry, bad tempers and a history of making controversial statements vying for the same office. Norm Coleman, the third guy, is currently running happy laps around his office.