Wild card picks

While I don't feel like relaying the results of carnage that were my picks last week, suffice to say I did not finish the week -- and thus the season -- over .500. But, for the year, I was still able to out-pick famous Internet journalist Bill Simmons, who offers up an elaborate excuse for his season of handicapping woe here. I offer no such explanation, other than I choked when the pressure was on.

Speaking of Simmons, about a month ago he had a pretty well-circulated column discussing how, after a pretty sweet upper-echelon, quality NFL quarterbacks are few and far between. Which is something I had also noticed after a regular season of watching football.

A large part of this paucity of QB talent has to do with teams being under increased pressure to play early -- and stick with -- high draft choice quarterbacks. The reason for this is, right off the bat, QBs receive (increasingly) higher salaries and more hype than other positional players. Making it difficult to justify sitting Mr. Second-Pick-Overall-Bonus-Baby on the bench.

Not that having a mediocre quarterback has been a fatal flaw this season. In fact we have four teams playing this week -- Washington, New York, Tennessee and San Diego -- who were able to advance to the playoffs despite starting the season with a young high-draft-pick QB who has not and did not perform up to his "potential." Each of these teams would have been better off with about half the backups in the NFL, a few of the starters in the CFL, or even the odd strong-armed grocery-bagger at the helm.

Perhaps the most fortunate of these teams has been the Redskins, who lost starting QB Jason Campbell in week 14, only to see Todd Collins -- who hadn't started a NFL game in 10 years -- lead the 'Skins to the four straight wins required for a playoff birth and a winning season. The Titans also got a lucky break last week when franchise QB Vince Young pulled up lame with his team trailing Indianapolis in a game the Titans needed to make the playoffs. Ancient backup Kerry Collins came in and led the Tennessee to three straight scoring drives and the victory.

So if you are a fan of the Chargers or Giants, there is no shame in that surge of adrenaline you get whenever Philip Rivers or Eli Manning gets up slowly after a hit. Here are the picks:

Washington at Seattle (-3)
The most emotional game of the week, as the Skins put it on the line for Sean Taylor, and the Hawks rally around the memory of Shaun Alexander. Many football insiders have pegged the Seahawks as this year's most "enigmatic" team. This goes double for me, as I have yet to see them play. But they are at home, and it will probably be raining or something. Seahawks win and cover 24-20

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (+3)
It's not like there aren't any good young quarterbacks out there, and this game features two of the best. Save last season's motorcycle-wreck induced lost year, Ben Roethlisberger comes close to matching Manning and Brady for both statistical productivity and post-season success. While Jags' signal caller David Garrard has come out of nowhere to post a 18-to-3 TD-to-INT ratio, and has led his team to a surprising 11 wins. As for the game, Pittsburgh has been playing unmitigatingly bad football lately, and Jacksonville has been on a roll. The trend holds and the Jags win and cover 28-23.

Tennessee at San Diego (-9.5)
The good news for the Chargers is this year they are without the baggage of Marty Schottenheimer's past playoff failures. The bad news is Norv Turner's baggage knows no time of the season. If the Chargers lose, Ladainian Tomlinson probably ends up either retiring so he can tour Europe with Barry Sanders, or shooting up an In-N-Out Burger. Luckily the Titans just aren't very good, and the Bolts romp and cover 38-13.

New York at Tampa Bay (-3)
Eli aside, the Giants have a very, very good offense. Their running game hasn't missed a beat without shinny happy person Tiki Barber, Plaxico Burress may be the third best receiver in the NFL when he decides to try, and mammoth rookie tight end Kevin Boss seems to combine the injured Jeremy Shockey's uncanny ability to get open with the more rudimentary TE skill of actually being able to catch a football. As for the Bucs, I have no idea how they won nine games this year and don't have enough time on a late Friday afternoon to try and figure this out. Giants breeze and cover 27-10.

Snap judgement: Bill Simmons on the TV

It has become vogue, among espn.com's Bill Simmons's 18-35 male demographic, to say or write something along the lines of "The Sports Guy used to be great and he got me into writing/blogging/fantasy football/David Ortiz/Texas hold 'em/the OC, but now he sucks and just recycles old columns."

To drive this point home a write your very own Sports Guy Column generator is floating around the Internet. It's kind of a reverse Mad-libs deal and, if you have about 15 minutes, it works surprisingly well.

While I agree Simmons tends to touch on the same themes and uses the same format over and over he is also burdened with having about five years of intensely scrutinized about-weekly "8000" word columns. (Another of his not-so charming attributes is he rarely gets through a longer-column without a bragging reference to its massive word count.)

Despite his volume and repetitions, I continue to read almost every word Simmons writes, still think his ability to mix sports and pop-culture is second to none and remain surprised when one of his columns doesn't make me laugh aloud a few times.

But there has been something eating me about Simmons lately: He continues to offer Bill Simmons the man, not the talented writer, as a male etiquette expert in situations like a fantasy football draft, a blackjack table, a night at the bar, a relationship etc. Yet, I don't think he has ever made the case that he is worthy of handing down these Miss Manner-like scoldings to the less-socialized.

What makes Bill Simmons unusual among "celebrity sports columnists" is he almost never appears on television. The only time I have seen him on TV was one of those VH1 I Love the (insert the decade) programs. He was just on screen for about ten seconds and I don't remember what he commented on. Either his clip was shot in a studio with different lighting than all the other commentators or the CRT radiation from the monitor he has been sitting in front for the last decade has rendered his skin translucent, because he appeared as hair floating ten inches above a headless body.

I would have thought his move from Boston to LA a few years ago and his affiliation with late-night host Jimmy Kimmel would have produced more TV appearances but, so far, none that I know of.

So it was with great anticipation I watched Bill Simmons' appearance on the Colbert Report last night. Would he be the comfortable-in-his-own-shoes man's man he suggests in print or the squeaky-voiced geek many suspect he is in person?

So excited was I for the prospect of an answer to this transcendent question I put post-it's stating "Comedy Central" and "11:30" all over my apartment to neutralize my habit of forgetting to do things I fully intend on doing.

My was I disappointed. Not in Simmons, but in the interview as a vehicle to solve the Bill Simmons' mystery. It was only couple minutes long and Colbert, as is his act, spoke over Simmons the whole time.

Simmons' hue was more normal. His voice was a little squeaky, but he did speak confidently. When he was able to complete a thought -- he offered an anecdote about Bush throwing out the first pitch in Yankee stadium after 9/11, there was the obligatory discussion of Red Sox nation, and a quick suggestion of how to improve USA Basketball -- he was mildly insightful. Yet nothing was revealed or solved.

Although I fully expect a 8000 word report next week, complete with a checklist of how to behave as a guest on a talk show.