Dick disappoints

Last night Andy Dick was arrested for sexual battery. This is far from the first time Dick has been arrested, or has battered sexually, but it is the first time he has made his way onto the police blotter by combining his two passions.

When the story broke on the wires a couple hours ago it offered no details other than Andy Dick had been arrested for sexual battery.

It happens to be, when it comes to sexual battery and Andy Dick, the specifics of the assault would be of the utmost importance. That is because the bisexual terror has a long history of biting, urinating upon, licking the face of and exposing himself to both sexes, all ages, and the famous as well as the anonymous. In the past Dick has also had no problem leaving his Hollywood home and practicing his unique brand of public perversion in podunk towns such as Cleveland, Ohio and Edmonton, Alberta.

As I waited for more information, I speculated upon the details that would emerge: I was pulling for Dick rubbing his genitals against an 80-year old man outside of a nursing home in Jackson, MS during broad daylight.

What I got instead was Dick feeling the breast of a 17-year old girl outside of a Los Angeles-area Buffalo Wild Wings at 1:15 AM.

A sexual battery that it is easy to imagine an average run-of-the-mill celebrity pervert like Christan Slater committing. It adds nothing to Dick's legendarily bizarre body of work, and is quite disappointing indeed.

But here is a fun Dick fact that is sure to brighten anybody's day: His name really is Andy Dick.

Mostly makeup-less beauty queen passes mugshot

Katie Rees, who is an integral part of the disgraced beauty queen movement, was arrested last night for being physically aggressive towards a police officer.

The former Miss Nevada came into prominence in December of 2006 after photos of her locked in a series of faux-sapphic and semi-nude poses (NSFW) with fellow bar patrons surfaced. She was stripped of her crown, and went on to use her notoriety to promote parties in Las Vegas.

Rees's lawyer claims it was the officers who were the ones being "aggressive" towards the beauty queen, and cite either a chipped or lost tooth as evidence of the police brutality.

This is the second time in a little over a month a beauty queen has been taken into custody for violent assault. Kumaira Fulbright, a former Miss Arizona contestant and local pageant winner, was arrested in early January for the horrifying kidnap and torture of an ex-boyfriend, made even more horrifying by the fact her mugshot suggests Fulbright looked like a very scary man during the crime.

On the other hand Rees pulls off her mugshot with an almost Tom Delay-level of booking photo togetherness. Ok, maybe there is a little more black under the eye than would be expected from a healthy 23-year old, but Rees's arrest came at 3 AM after what I am going to assume was a long night of partying, while Delay's legendarily cheerful mugshot was a planned midday event, and the former Texas congressman remembered to put on his concealer.

But the bottom line is Katie Rees's relative cuteness under duress has made assault safe again for beauty queens everywhere.

Unkle Kracker wins the August mugshot of the day

In the arresting document, Wake County, North Carolina authorities refer to Unkle Kracker as "a nationally known singer with major assets at his disposal."

I can not comment on what assets Unkle Kracker may or may not have. As for a "nationally known singer" . . . let's just say if I was ever arrested in Wake County I wouldn't be shocked to find myself described as "the king of England."

The married father of three picked just about the worst day possible to allegedly commit a second degree forcible sex offense. A Friday in late August is the only time of the year Mr. Kracker would be getting this type of press scrutiny. Even if he had cured some form of cancer or killed a couple people.

There is a real debate going on among the news services as to whether the nationally known singer spells his name "Unkle" or "Uncle."

Lindsay Lohan got in trouble last night

If you are like me your morning has become paralyzed as you await the latest details of Lindsay Lohan's latest arrest. It is no surprise that it was the unholy trinity of alcohol, cocaine and-insisting-to-drive-your-own-car-even-though-you-are-a-celebrity-of-financial-means-who-everybody-knows-is-always-drunk-and-has-a- bodyguard-and-an-entourage-that-could-surely-drive-you-even-if-you-don't-want-to-hire-a-proper-chauffeur that did her in. To top it off, it appears Lindsay had the poor judgement of drawing attention to herself by participating in a late night high speed car chase -- as the chaser.

On one hand I am little disappointed. I was sincerely hoping Lindsay was going to use the challenge of wearing an alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet (which apparently doesn't work) to take getting high to new and undetectable places, and not fall back so quickly on the old standbys. On the other hand I really like Lindsay's mugshot. I already know I am way in the minority here -- and man, people can be cruel -- but, I ask, what exactly do you want a drunk coked up girl to look like at 2:30 in the morning?

What I see in Lindsay's freckled face is the gaze of slightly confused compliance that has had men feeding women inebriants since the beginning of time. When you hate on Lindsay's mugshot you are only hating on humanity.

Lindsay's arrest came right on the heels of her being arraigned for her last alcohol/coke/car incident. Meaning, if she is held to Los Angeles County's Paris Hilton standard, she is going to be going away for a long time.

But at JSB we've always held Lindsay, who's cute and possibly talented, to a higher standard than Paris --that do-nothing space alien looking creature. So, as Lindsay begins what is sure to be a meticulously documented journey through our criminal justice system, I'm pulling for Lindsay to outdo Paris in every way.

Sure, that could mean a display of dignity and genuine regret. But what's fun about that?

I think the words "legendary implosion" are sometimes thrown around too lightly in these times of hype and hyperbole. But if the very, very latest report -- that Lindsay was chasing down the mother of her assistant who then called the police because I assume she feared Lindsay was trying to run her down -- is true, we may well be headed in that heady direction.