Shakespeare: Like Sandler, only less funny

Ameican citizen and British resident Gwyneth Paltrow made waves from across the Atlantic last week when she reportedly said "the British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans."

Paltrow claimed she was misquoted and gave the half-probable Tower of Babel excuse that she was speaking seventh grade Spanish to a Portuguese newspaper, and now the quote is being translated back into English.

I would be willing to let her off the hook if she didn't have a history of making similar statements, in tenth-grade English, to English news sources. Also, Paltrow married perhaps the most boring man in the world and named her child "Apple," so she should probably keep herself five paces away from the nearest stone.

Nevertheless, you have to admit British people do sound awful smart and civilized when they talk old-fashion like they do. But are they smarter than us Americans?

I don't know. But what I can do is take a look at the UK's top ten Internet searches of 2006 in hopes of finding the answer. Because I don't fully comprehend the complexities of such an old, nuanced culture, I won't be able to analyze the results with the depth I attacked America's top ten search list. Instead I will provide a quick and dirty sketch and let the reader decide. In descending order, ten to one:

Kate Moss Coke-sniffing model.
Zinedine Zidane Ill-tempered French footballer.
Notting Hill Carnival Street festival (OK, that's sort of cultured.)
Borat Fictional anti-Semite.
Steve Irwin Excitable Aussie TV star and sting ray victim.
World Cup International sporting event.
The Ordinary Boys Rock band and Big Brother participants.
Big Brother Popular reality television show.
Pete Burns Cross-dresser and Big Brother participant.
Heather Mills McCartney One-legged former prostitute and Beatle tormentor.

The British list was, in fact, completely different than the American list, which was dominated by skin-showing, slutty types. So what does this say about Paltrow's controversial statement?

Not much, actually. But it is clear when Americans are thinking about sex the Brits are thinking about television.

And, between the Anglo cousins, there isn't a whole lot of Chaucer being read.

Malawi pulls the old switchero

A couple months ago an ad campaign which featured Western celebrities such as David Bowie, Richard Gere and Alicia Keys proclaiming themselves "African" was launched.

It was universally mocked. Gwyneth Paltrow bore the brunt of the scorn for this photo.

I can see why. A little blue paint and some beads does not an African make. Although if she had given herself AIDS or gone through a period of malnourishment her Nubian roots wouldn't have been so easy to dismiss.

Plus the ads are confusing. I'm just going to assume they are for a charity and not a threat to recolonize the dark continent with actors and singers.

The campaign also seems to have confused Malawi. When Gwyneth's good friend Madonna paid the African nation a visit yesterday its government announced The Material Girl had agreed to adopt one of their many AIDS orphans. Even though Malawi doesn't usually permit foreigners to adopt its citizens a lineup of twelve orphans was prepared for Madonna to chose from.

And why not? We are all Africans and other celebrities proved it by adopting.

Madonna's "mystified" representatives dismissed the claims Madge was planning on returning home with a little black bundle of joy as "completely inaccurate" and a "bizarre hoax."

It sounds to me like an African nation is using a Western celebrity for publicity.

Completely inappropriate.

Starting off on the wrong foot

New England Patriot safety Tebucky Jones, already of some repute for being a human being named "Tebucky," is making a serious bid to expand his notoriety.

Jones, who makes over 3 million dollars a year, is in the process of evicting his mother from a condo he owns. The reason? Mom hasn't been paying the 115 dollar-a-month rent lately.

Maryann Jones has a history of crack dealing, but that didn't seem to bother Tebucky in 1998 when he offered to pay any fine to keep his mother out of prison. It appears he turned on her only after she gave up dealing drugs, developed breast cancer and stopped sending him monthly checks.

Maybe there is more to this story, or maybe Tebucky Jones doesn't make any sense. He sure didn't get a good start to a-life-lived-rationally when his mother named him Tebucky.

So let that be a lesson to all the parents out there -- names have consequences.

Yes Gwyneth, I'm talking to you.

* Full disclosure. I actually like the way the Tebucky sounds. I just wouldn't want it to be my name. Or be responsible for bestowing it on another. I also like the way abracadabra sounds . . .