Paris is like rubber, Kramer is like glue

Amongst the impressive cache of Paris Hilton's personal effects, which were auctioned to the public after she oddly stopped paying the fees on the storage facility where they were housed, was a video of the hotel heiress at a nightclub singing along to the classic party anthem, "We Are Family."

Even though Paris was with her sister when the video was shot, she chose not to ape the song's lyrical embrace of sisterhood, instead changing the words to rather cruelly disparage what she perceives are the habits of black people, or "niggers" as she calls them.

Paris continued her performance by saying less-overt things about homosexuals and Jews which the more sensitive soul might also find offensive.

The tape, shot in the green night-vision light of famous Paris Hilton videos past, made the rounds last week before being pulled from the Interweb via judicial injunction.

There have been a few peeps from civil rights groups -- and maybe there is more to come -- but basically no one seems to care.

Fair enough, that's probably the correct reaction.

Try telling that to Michael Richards. The video of his now-famous racist meltdown -- which was arguably more benign than Paris's -- was posted on all the same venues a couple months ago. But instead of getting a pass he was immediately forced to repent and embark on a tour of apology.

Michael Richards is no more famous than Paris Hilton. I would argue he is considerably less well-known than the current Newsweek cover girl.

There is really no fair explanation as to why some "offensive" comments capture the nation (or the press) and others just slide by.

Case in point is John Rocker. Back in 2000, Rocker was already embroiled in a feud with the New York tabloids when the Atlanta Braves' closer made, to a Sports Illustrated reporter, some not-very nice comments about those who ride the number 7 train in New York City .

Nothing Rocker said would have been out of place in a comedy club -- if a comedian had been told they must do a joke about the 7 train you'd be hard pressed to find one of any race or background who wouldn't have echoed Rocker's opinions, or in an honest discussion between friends.

Yet he got the Michael Richard's treatment, was suspended from baseball, ordered to sensitivity training, became a national whipping boy for a couple pre-Internet weeks and took a particularly harsh beating from the civil rights community in Atlanta. (Ironically, these days Rocker sports a black girlfriend)

Rocker didn't help the situation by coming off as a jerk and blowhard.

Nevertheless, when the dust settled cooler heads pointed out that Rocker was probably being punished for the less-than-"tolerant" thoughts we all have somewhere inside us and feel the burden of suppressing, from time to time, when we aren't in close company.

Which was also probably the crux of Richards' tourettes-like sin. (It also may have something to with the more complicated Mel Gibson traffic stop.)

And, the way I see it, Paris skates because her existence is so bizarre and unique -- even for a celebrity -- that it's basically impossible for us to relate to her.

In the aftermath of the Rocker and Richards incidents there was the requisite talk of "lessons learned" and "greater understanding."

It is doubtful these type of media events ever lead to more (or less) understanding.

But on the outside chance they could in the future, the next time someone is called out for racism and the condemnation begins building exponentially, the first question we should all ask is why this particular person is being singled out so enthusiastically.

And, when we can be honest about the reasons, we may even be able to take a tiny step towards that ever-illusive goal of true racial understanding.

Segregated Survivor -- why didn't I think of that

When I read CBS was going to separate the "tribes" in Survivor by race (white, black, Latino and Asian,) I was taken aback.

"They're allowed to do that !?!" I wondered.

Keep in mind the first time I heard there was a show called Wife Swap I incorrectly assumed it was a PG-13 version of the 70's leisure activity and not only wasn't I surprised, but I wondered why it had taken them so long to come up with the idea.

Although when I really thought about Survivor's new format, I realized that it shouldn't have surprised me either. Survivor had already comprised tribes by sex and age. Why, after 13 seasons of separating people into teams, wouldn't Survivor give racial division a try? I guess the strength of my initial reaction is indicative of how difficult it is for people in America to deal with race.

CBS's decision to go with the sure-to-be controversial format was blasted by many a prominent columnist and editorial page for being "divisive" and a "ratings ploy."

A ratings ploy? Of course. But I tend to think all of television is a rating ploy -- or at least the television that is trying to stay on TV is.

As for divisive . . . I guess it could be.

But is it any more divisive than the World Basketball Championship or the Little League World Series that have been all over the tube lately? Because every time I catch one of those competitions I see a team of one race competing against team of another race -- yet the streets of America remain peaceful.

My favorite criticism so far has come from a New York city councilmen named John Liu who called for CBS to drop the show and declared "the idea of having a battle of the races is preposterous."

John Liu is Asian. Asians are only 4.2 percent of the general population and maybe 1 percent of the faces on television. Yet, with this new segregated formula, the Asians get to be 25 percent of the contestants on what could be the number one hit of the season. I'm thinking a lot of Asians are pretty happy about this. I'm also thinking the political counter-intuitiveness Mr. Liu is showing here might be what makes the halls of government the only place in America where it is more unusual to see an Asian than on television.

In more good news for the Asians, one online gambling website has listed them as the favorites to win. Another has installed the whites as the race to beat.

I imagine it would be difficult to bet on Survivor because you don't actually know what events the contestants are going to be competing in until the show airs. If you were able to learn the roster of challenges in advance, this season would present an opportunity for racial handicapping so intriguing I might even be convinced to violate my strict no-gambling policy and give it a go.

But you aren't. Although I do have a little bit of information I can pass along to those degenerates who can't help but wager blind and on reality TV. Just yesterday, in an upset, the white team beat the Asian team to win the Little League World Series. Adjust your betting accordingly.

Joe Biden continues to dazzle and amaze

More than any other politician out there Joe Biden has defined his career by a willingness to go on television and speak at length about anything. Despite this -- and over thirty years in the Senate -- Biden continues to be "gaffe prone" when it comes to talking in the presence of a blinking red light.

Sometimes Biden's gaffes are long-winded and plagiarized. For the purpose of a blog in a low-attention span world those gaffes are no fun. Other times his gaffes are short, punchy and to the point. The kind of gaffes we appreciate over here at jsb.

Appearing yesterday on one of the Sunday morning gab-feasts he loves so, Biden unleashed the good kind of gaffe when, in response to the moderator's question about his prospects of winning a Democratic primary in South Carolina, Biden reminded the world that "my state was a slave state."

Factually correct -- Delaware was a slave-holding border state during the Civil War -- but what made his comment so jarring and unusual was the pride he affixed to this declaration of past Delaware oppression. The kind of pride usually reserved for a grandparent listing the accomplishments of a grandchild.

While Biden has often been accused of not thinking before he speaks, when we go to the videotape it is clear he did pause and think for a moment before answering the question.

If one were to apply the "Macaca" standard of deconstruction to what Biden said one might come away thinking this was a naked ploy to attract the votes of Southern whites by assuring them that a Delawarean knows how to keep the black man in his place.

But, because it was Biden speaking, I am inclined to think it is just another case of him knowing not what he says. Luckily for Biden, I won't be the only one inclined to think that way.

Indians befuddle presidential hopefuls

First Delaware Senator Joe Biden was caught on tape stumbling through a stereotype-laden, but well-intentioned, conversation with an Indian-American donor. Now Virginia Senator George Allen has hit a snag at the intersection of Indian and videotape.

During a listening stop in support of his re-election bid, Allen twice referred to SR Sidarth, a Jim Webb campaign worker assigned to follow Allen and film* his every word, as "Macaca."

"Macaca" doesn't mean anything in English, but it sounds a lot like a French slur against people from North Africa. Since Allen's mother is French-speaking, some have interpreted Allen's word choice as a deliberate, if geographically incorrect, attack on Sidarth's Indian background.

Allen's campaign claims Allen was actually referring to Sidarth as "Mohawk." Only Sidarth doesn't have a mohawk, raising the possibilities Allen doesn't know the difference between Indians and Native Americans -- and has a serious speech impediment.

The fact Allen was clearly aware he was being taped might be his best defense against full-on intended racism, but no matter what you believe his intention, the incident makes a politician already suspected of racial intolerance look the part.

It has become increasingly clear, when confronted with persons of Indian descent, the mainstream American politician will become flustered and say weird and potentially embarrassing things.

If I was running for office I would employ a whole bunch of Indians, give them video cameras, and send them at my opponent in waves.

The day that strategy stops working is the day our nation has finally grown to properly identify all of its citizens by their ethnic background.

*The youtube clip refers to Sidarth as an Arab American. This is contrary to the press reports that list him as of "Indian descent." It looks like it isn't just the politicians who get confused.

If Joe Biden was a reality television show, viewers would develop cringe lines on their faces

The Senator from Delaware is getting crap all over the internet, and from all sides, for what seems to me to be some completely harmless and tradition-steeped ethnic pandering.

Is nothing sacred?

Sure, it was awkward, but Joe Biden reading his grocery list would be awkward.

Anyway, I think he meant "you can not work at (not go to) a 7/11 or Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent."

Unless, of course, the "Indians from India" really are taking over our first state, and forcibly denying the palefaces their coffee and donuts. (A development Tom Friedman will surely take credit for anticipating.)

If so, I will sleep easier knowing Senator Biden is on the case.