Did Albania steal Bush's watch?

Emphatically proving his unpopularity doesn't stretch to all corners of the world, President Bush was met in Albania by cheering crowds, a series of commemorative postage stamps, and an official declaration that he is the greatest person in the history of the universe to ever visit the Balkan state. (While this might read like hyperbole, it's all actually true.)

This was too much for Bush's hysterical legion of haters, whose insecurity is such that they only feel comfortable when new Europe despises Bush as much as they do. So, with the help of Albania's sensationalist local media, these bitter critics have developed a narrative that suggests this whole celebration of Bush was an elaborate plot to get him to let his guard down long enough for Albania to steal his watch.

There is even a video tape-- as doctored as it is confusing -- to support the claims of the well-planned pilfering.

I, for one, believe the White House when it suggests the reason why Bush's watch appears to disappear during his interaction with the crowd was simply that Bush took it off and put it in his pocket.

Bush might not be an expert when it comes to understanding foreign cultures, but even he will eventually realize it is not a good a idea to tempt a crowd of Gypsies -- even an adoring crowd of Gypsies -- with a shiny watch.

Idle threat of the week

During a week filled with religious celebration, it's only natural to encourage peace and harmony among mankind. Which is what two Internet heavyweights -- the guy who founded Wikipedia, and the guy who coined the nebulous phrase Web 2.0 -- are attempting to do with last week's call for manners in the Wild West world of Internet web logs.

Jimmy Wales and Tim O'Reilly are mulling over a series of proposals to clean up the blogosphere, which include banning anonymous comments on blogs and requiring bloggers to pledge to get a second source for gossip items before they hit the publish button.

While the panel of judges generally frowns upon anonymous commenters, more than one of us admitted that if we are having a bad day, instead of kicking our dogs, we get on the computer and call up a website -- let's say the Huffington Post -- and read the comment section. We find that after spending a few minutes shifting through the rants of vitriol we realize, however bad things might seem in our lives, we are infinitely better off than the guy who has been reduced to deriving his pleasure from directing screeds of hatred and dismemberment, anonymously, towards public figures, bloggers and other commenters he has no chance of meeting in his physical existence.

As for the proposal to get multiple sources for gossip: Whaaaaaaa? This from the guy who "invented" Web 2.0? What's next, a proposal requiring everyone to switch back to dial up? If you want carefully sourced, legally sound gossip check out US Weekly or the National Enquirer. You may have to wait a week, but your reward will be stale information which is slightly more accurate (and still gossip) than the Internet version.

High-mindedness may work in a Quaker Elementary school or in Sweden, but it has no place in the blogosphere. Just because we are rapidly expanding, it doesn't mean a sanitized blog world wouldn't bore people and push them towards other leisure activities, such as kite flying and pornography. Then it's out of the pajamas and back into the cruel world for many of us.

But it's nothing to worry about. A regulatory body for blogs stands about the same chance of succeeding as a ski resort in Texas.

And that's why Jimmy Wales and Tim O'Reilly can add Idle Threat of the Week for April 2nd to April 8th to their impressive cyber-resumes.

Hoops McCann is back again

Kobe Bryant seems to garner a lot of hate these days. It always baffles me when someone hates someone else they don't know personally. My bafflement doubles when this hatred is directed towards a man who throws a ball through a hoop for a living.

Getting past my zen-like tolerance, there are many reasons Kobe Bryant is hated -- involving things like petulance, a self-serving nature and rape. But I think Kobe's biggest problem might be his name: Kobe.

I say this in praise of Kobe -- it's a really cool name. Of either Hebrew or Japanese origin it is, outside the realm of high quality steak, quite unique, yet sounds familiar enough not to be jarring.

Two simple but strong syllables -- and it looks even better on paper. Kobe, in any typesetting, has the flow of a logo. Think how much more visually appealing Kobe is than the more traditional Coby.

So that's probably when the hate started: When Kobe was presented to us as the 17-year old wunderkind with the perfectly constructed name. From the beginning, it was almost like Kobe was more corporation than human. And few pull for the corporation.

Ironically Kobe's father, who probably named him, went by Jellybean during his own NBA career. Now that's a name which would humanize even the most soulless cyborg.

Of course Jellybean wasn't Joseph Bryant's given name. Just like Hoops isn't Mordecai McCann's given name.

Hoops talks hobbits and bigger beings named Kobe in his latest dispatch.

The final four of hate

I'm not going to even submit brackets this year. Previous results have only led to self-doubt and humiliation.

And, let's face it, it's a complete crap shoot. Even the most serious college basketball fan hasn't seen at least a dozen of the teams play.

But it's still the most exciting two weeks in all of sports, and I'm still going to have to pick what teams I'm going to be pulling for.

Maybe another George Mason will come along to capture my allegiance but, short of that, I think this year I'm just going to root for the teams whose success will piss off the most college basketball fans.

I'm going to do this because I find most college basketball fans to be bratty, annoying and possibly dangerous. I think the problem is most of these fans start rooting for their favorite college team when they attended that college. But there is a natural imbalance to this. You are cheering people who should be your equals, yet they are not returning the favor by cheering you when you attend (or don't attend) Econ 101. To compensate for this, the college students gets in the habit of making themselves "part of the team." Thus the chanting, the head-to-toe-gear, and the arson -- all things we could do without.

That in mind, here's who I'll be pulling for:

West region:

While I'd like to see Kentucky reach the regional finals here -- because it would mean the rabid Kentucky faithful will have to deal with the hated Tubby Smith for at least a couple more years -- any discussion of college basketball and pissing people off starts and ends with Duke. Why? Well, it gets back to the status unbalance between students and student-athletes. Compared to the other big-time programs, the Dukies are closer racially and socio-economically to the typical college student, making this unbalance hard to deny. When this year's weak Duke team makes its surprise run to the Final Four, every Mike Krzyzewski smirk and every awkward McRoberts/Scheyer high-five will trigger self-loathing nationwide in the 35 and under set.

East region:

If those "who would you vote for" polls are correct, Mormons are the most reviled group of people in America. I don't believe this is the case, but Mormons -- who number about five million -- are maybe the only minority a substantial segment of Americans feel free in to dis in a poll. That's why I'll be pulling for BYU -- which I'm going to assume is a team full of Mormons -- to reach the Final Four. Nothing like a "cultish" religion full of magical gold plates, back screens, three-point shots and well-scrubbed lilly-whiteness to piss off the average college basketball fan.

South region:

I'm for Texas Tech here. Besides a misinterpreted slap, and an incident at a Whole Foods salad bar, Bobby Knight has been unusually well-behaved since arriving in Lubbock. While some mellow with age, Knight seems like the kind of guy who would use old age as an excuse to go the other way. A deep run into the tourney will embolden The General to act his true self. He will either bite one of his players or urinate on a referee. Even if those antics end up entertaining the typical college basketball fan, the breathless condemnation and outrage that will come out of the bastion of morality that is sports journalism will more than make up for it.

Midwest region:

It isn't noticed (or maybe it is noticed) how similar Florida is to Duke. It doesn't have that same school-you-can't-get-into thing going, but Coach Billy Donovan is just as much of a smug, self-righteous, ref-working shill that Krzyzewski is, and he recruits exactly the same type of players Coach K does. Then there's Jokaim Noah, who's wacky-dance-dress-wearing-sideline-slap-fights-with-cheerleaders-and-opposing-coaches antics are even beginning to piss me off. The more Noah plays, the further he falls from the number spot in the draft that he would have had if he came out last year. Yet he'll probably end up back for his senior season. He's just that rich. Take that class of '07 job applicants.

So I have Duke, BYU, Texas Tech and Florida in the Final Four. In the extraordinarily unlikely event this comes to be, I will decide on who I will be pulling for to win it all based on what team has elicited the most angrily thrown beer cans, conspiratorial rants about referees, and hateful Youtube videos.

I'll be grateful when they are all dead

There is not enough hate on this blog. This makes me feel bad, especially when there is so much hate in the world. As 2006 turned into 2007, I promised myself I would be more hateful in the coming year. Consequently, all week I have been looking for things to hate.

Last night I noticed a couple articles that I found highly distasteful. Instead of thinking about other things, or contemplating the sunny side, I let this distaste simmer. When I woke up this morning I was practically boiling with hate.

The articles that set me off were about in-coming Democratic leader's Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. Apparently, both Reid and Pelosi are huge fans of the band that went by the juvenile name of the "Grateful Dead."

In popular culture fans of this insipid jam band -- which, for thirty years, callously cheapened the great American musical forms of rock, bluegrass, gospel, folk, country and jazz with their endless "eclectic" free-form renditions of absolute crap -- are referred to as "Deadheads."

Reid and Pelosi aren't the only Deadhead political figures we have. Former Vermont Senator Patrick Lahey is a self-described Deadhead. So are conservative pundits Ann Coulter and Tucker Carslon. One-time Massachusetts Governor William Weld is also quite fond of saying how fond he is of the San Fransisco-born band.

I hate all of these people. In the coming weeks I will try to learn of negative details from their personal lives and trivial inconsistencies in their long public records and post them on this blog in hopes other bloggers will use this information to nullify anything these Deadheads ever say -- ever.

But as much as I hate Deadheads, I hate the Grateful Dead even more. I hate Jerry Garcia and Phil Lesh and the other guys whose names I proudly can't remember.

Did you know Jerry only had nine fingers? Well, I wish he had zero fingers, because then he couldn't have played his stupid guitar and made those stupid "trippy" noises that some people thought were songs but most people knew were blights on America and all of Western Civilization.

Well, Jerry's dead now, and that makes me very happy. Actually, not all of their songs were so bad. "Touch of Grey" is kind of catchy and, as an added bonus, if you tell a Deadhead "Touch of Grey" is you favorite Dead song they will become angry and despondent and start sounding like Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

You may wonder why I know so much about Deadheads and the Grateful Dead. When I was younger many of my friends were, unfortunately, Deadheads. I like to bring this up to them now that they are older and more mature, because it makes their faces turn red and their bodies twitch with shame.

I can only imagine what it feels like to realize you spent a good chunk of your childhood enthusiastically supporting an entity that brought so much blandness and boredom into the world. The urge to repent must be overwhelming. I know what I'll be leading with if I ever need to hit them up for money.

Yet, the Pelosis and Reids continue to flaunt their Deadhead credentials. They obviously have no shame. That's probably why they got into politics.

I promise to try my hardest to maintain my hate of all Deadhead political leaders, and will continue to hate them until the next generation of Phish or Dave Mathew's Band worshiping politicians capture my ire by being voted into office.

It is a hatred I owe to my readers and myself.