Idle threat of the week

During a week when unseasonable warm air kissed the Northeast to the benefit of all besides the odd firewood salesman and the nations of OPEC, the panel of judges had half a collective mind to declare global warming the Idle Threat of the Week.

Although we decided not to venture into those waters -- lest they one day rise and swallow us. Anyway, there is an old Native American proverb which, translated, says "He who tries to predict future winds will have dust blown into his eye.

Of course by "is" I mean I just made that proverb up and, therefore, it never had to be translated.

Since I gave the panel Christmas off, we weren't able to address the Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell feud properly. Now that it continues to escalate -- in the latest salvo Trump has bravely sicked his daughter on the rotund lesbian talk show host -- we have the opportunity to revisit it for the first time.

The whole thing started when O'Donnell accused Trump of past bankruptcy, and added some nasty comments about his hair and matrimony resume. Trump responded by correctly, but overly semantically, stating that it wasn't he who went bankrupt, rather it was the various entities he proudly attached his name to that died past financial deaths.

Trump also, in this now famous video, threatened to have a goon "steal Rosie's girlfriend, and declared his intention to sue O'Donnell so he could "take money out of her fat ass pockets."

In subsequent interviews Trump has implied he will get Rosie fired from her gig on The View.

It would be the natural inclination of the panel to side with The Donald in a Trump/O'Donnell dispute. Especially when Trump has been busy bringing us Tara Conner in a two piece, while Rosie's doughy face is the main reason many of us fear switching to high definition television.

But the fact remains Trump has, without a hint of sarcasm or lack of seriousness and for all to see, threatened to take O'Donnell's girlfriend, her money and her job -- quite a devastating trio. Yet it is fairly clear he will do none of these things.

As is always the case with Trump, one suspects there may be publicity motives behind his actions, genuine as his anger towards Rosie seems. So here is a little publicity for our nation's foremost public mogul: Donald Trump has won Idle Threat of The Week for January 1-7.

Death watch: Two down and one to go edition

Death is a famously holiday averse fellow, and while you've been opening presents, stuffing your face with food, searching for after-Christmas bargains and preparing for New Years, the beat goes on for the angel with no body-fat and a scythe.

Last night Death snagged himself the biggest holiday prize of all: A United States President. Gerald Ford had already captured the admiration of Death Watchers everywhere with his grace and resilience* in face of mounting evidence of his impending demise. At 93, Ford was and will remain the longest living President in US history. George Herbert Walker Bush edges Jimmy Carter to grab the title of "oldest living President."

Like he always does, Death came in on Christmas. This year it was James Brown who paid the ultimate price for Death's workaholic tendencies. I don't have a lot to say about Brown because he was the "Godfather of Soul" and I find too much soul overwhelms me -- and by too much soul I mean any more than is in that Backstreet Boys' song you hate to admit is pretty good.

Nevertheless, James Brown's over-the-top style spawned some solid parodies I was able to appreciate, including this classic skit from Eddie Murphy.

Any Death Watcher worth his or her salt knows death comes in threes. Taking the star-power of Ford and Brown into account, the chances of Fidel Castro and Dick Cheney both making it to 2007 would now seem quite slight.

But I see that Castro's doctor, after months of stonewalling, has claimed the Cuban leader's health is improving. And, since nothing clears the arteries like the thrill of a lesbian birth, the US Vice President is also likely in the clear.

Over the next few days I'll be watching Donald Trump, who could be cracking under increased stress, Vladamir Putin, who may have handled poisonous material, Terrell Owens, who craves attention at all costs, and Beyonce Knowles, whose face is falling off.

* In a finale tribute to Ford's sticktoitness, the author of his Washington Post obituary died, himself, almost a year ago.

Bonus video: More fun with Gerald Ford obits from Dana Carvey.

The Donald executes a flawless publicity stunt

So Donald Trump didn't fire still-Ms. USA Tara Conner. Instead he gave her the great American second chance and she got on TV and told everyone what a compassionate pageant God The Donald is, and how she is sorry for everything -- especially the millions of impressionable children she didn't consider.

Tara's off to rehab now -- I heard it cured Mel Gibson of the paranoid ranting and Mark Foley of the gay -- and will be placed on a "zero tolerance" period of probation.

For me the whole ordeal is bittersweet. On the one hand, it is nice to see Tara get a second chance, especially when she looked so distraught and cute crying at the press conference.

Who among us, as a 20 year-old pulled from the hills of Kentucky and deposited under the bright lights of New York City, wouldn't do a lot of blow and constantly make out with our Miss Teen USA roommate?

Still, Trump's surprising verdict brings me a certain sadness. For one, it almost guarantees that Tara will be too busy with her rehab and Miss USA responsibilities to attend the jsb New Year's party. Even if she was able to squeeze it in, zero tolerance Tara would be a tease and a buzz kill.

But, more importantly, this was the first time I have ever been able to enthusiastically get behind our reigning Miss USA. Knowing Tara Conner represented the young women of our nation allowed me to walk around my apartment with pride. Yet now they officially tell me the qualities I admired in Tara were unacceptable and wrong. I feel like a stranger in my own country. Is this what it's like to be black?

The worst part of it is I have the sinking suspicion that all of last week has been part of a Donald Trump plot to ingratiate himself to the young beauty queen and, eventually, make Tara Conner wife number four.

If he does, I'm moving to France.

Miss USA has been a bad girl

There are reports that Miss USA, Tara Conner, will be stripped of her title for "inappropriate" behavior and public conduct. More specifically because of her actions in various nightspots in New York -- where she is contracted to live out her reign.

It needs to noted that the Miss USA title doesn't come with the stringent morals clause that go with winning the Miss America pageant which, unlike Miss USA, takes into account talent and character in addition to physical appearance.

In other words the odd, playful bar dance probably wouldn't cost you the Miss USA crown.

I remember the first time I saw a photo of Conner. Although she was a beauty contest winner she didn't have the tall, distant, vaguely transsexual look of the pageant winners I had seen in the past. She was more normal sized and looked cute and fun. And with her succinct name and a hairstyle that prominently displayed her dark roots she came off as -- what's the word? -- pornish.

Although Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA pageant, denies he is going to can Conner he acknowledges she is "going through some personal problems and difficulties."

It's always going to be tricky when a twenty-year old from Kentucky, with a body for sin, is unleashed in the big city and made the center of attention. Especially when all of her applicable young female role models have stopped wearing their underwear.

So now we wait for the details of Conner's transgressions, hoping for the worst, and look forward to her next, more naked, career move. Whatever it might be.

Not-fast news day wrap up

Long accused of cheating at hair, Donald Trump was caught cheating at golf yesterday during a round at the Trump National Golf Club in Rancho Palos Verdes, CA.

I don't usually condone cheating, but golf is very hard. Also, think of all the stuff they've named after Trump over the years. The guy isn't even dead yet! If George Washington was caught cheating at golf you wouldn't hold it against him. Would you? (I know, the cherry tree...)

The only thing named after Keith Olbermann is his news show on MSNBC. Recently, Olbermann has been able to increase the show's ratings from minute to deficient by casting himself as the nemesis of mad-as-hell-and-not-going-stop-bloviating-about-it-anymore big-ratings talk show host Bill O'Reilly. Among the kinder of Olbermann's pet names for O'Reilly is "The Big Giant Head."

I once saw Olbermann in a bar in Ithaca, New York. It was right after he quit his gig at Sportscenter, breaking up the greatest sports anchor duo the world has ever known, and shepherding in the dark, sometimes rhyming era of Stuart Scott. The night I saw him, Olbermann clearly wanted to blend in and not be the guy in the middle of a well-publicized falling out . Unfortunately his giant head made this impossible and slightly dangerous, in the narrow bar.

O'Reilly's head must just be humongous for Olbermann to call him out on it. It used to bother me when O"Reilly was able to intimidate his guests by leaning in and shouting -- What's with the deer-in-the-headlights look? Weren't they prepared for this treatment when they agreed to do the show?

I had that same deer-in-the-headlight look when I saw Olbermann's giant noggin for the first time in person . So I do know how intimidating the heads of television personalities can be. There was nothing I could have possibly done to prepare myself for that fateful night in Ithaca.

It turns out Olbermann also has giant ears (and some time on his hand.) He actually responds to the hateful emails he gets from viewers. I don't mean respond in the smug, on air, ha-ha I got the last word in way O'Reilly and others do during the waning minutes of their shows. Olbermann goes as far as establishing email correspondence with these malcontents and even makes suggestions such as "Go f*** your mother," and "Kill yourself."

Olbermann is a very smart and almost influential guy, but I don't think any of his new email-pals will be taking his advice.

Just like I don't think George Bush will be converting to Islam anytime soon. But that didn't stop Indonesian Al-Qaidi leader Abu Bakar Bashir from suggesting Bush should take multiple phrophets into his heart, because it was "the only way to save (his) soul."

Imagine if Abu Baker Bashir wasn't a firebrand cleric but instead member of the White House Press Corp. Bush would have to think of a goofy pet name for him. I'm guessing it would be some reference to the children's tale Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. Thievie, maybe.

Oh that Bush, he likes to "needle." But today he went too far. Bush asked Los Angeles Times reporter Peter Wallsteen if he was going to ask his questions with his "shades" on. Bush then went on to chuckle, and explain to the television audience there was no sun out.

Wallsteen wears the glasses because he suffers from Stargardt's disease, which causes progressive vision loss.

When Bush found this out, he called Wallsteen immediately to apologize. The President also offered Wallsteen a round of golf with Donald Trump.