Idle threat of the week

While most folks were out celebrating America 232nd birthday with loud explosions, Florida Governor Charlie Crist was quietly taking steps to become America's 47th Vice President.

Crist, whose bachelor status, sparkly looks and history of frequenting gay clubs has led many to question his sexual orientation, announced on July 4th that he will be wed to a woman.

Crist will also buck the current convention of endless engagements and marry the 38-year old mother of two in September. Yet despite this effort to butch up his political resume and fast, it is highly unlikely Crist will be picked as John McCain's running mate. While the popular governor would surely help McCain in Florida, if McCain can't win the GOP-leaning sunshine state on his own there is no point in him even picking a number two.

But Crist wasn't the only one who spent the holiday weekend boning up on his heterosexual bona fides. Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez did so quiet literally, as rumors of his late night rendezvous with Madonna continued to light up the back pages of the New York tabloids.

Rodriguez surely isn't gay, but that hasn't stopped Red Sox fans (and a surprising percentage of Yankee fans) from making a sport of slurring him with school yard taunts that say otherwise. While, in general, being linked up with a woman who has spent time as an international sex symbol would be an effective retort to such name calling, Madonna has always been loved by gay man and has aged very mannishly, meaning this development will likely give the cat-callers even more ammunition.

And A-Rod and CC's attempts to put the rest the question of their sexuality is the idle threat of the week for July 1-6.

A-Rod not sure if he has kids, or about social norms

I have yet to comment on the whole thing-a-ma-jig that went down on Capital Hill last week with the congressmen and the baseball players and the trainer because they all made such fools of themselves for what amounted to no reason and it is equally pointless for me to pile on to their superfluous misfortune.

But if I was a baseball player I would have to say something and Alex Rodriguez, the most prominent name in baseball to so far escape serious performance enhancing innuendo, was forced to field questions about steroid use in baseball as he arrived in Florida for spring training.

A-Rod complemented the league's more recent policies, and then made the claim that he had been tested "nine to ten" times last season. It turns out the only way he would have been tested that much is if he had a previous positive result -- which Rodriguez does not.

When he learned of the discrepancy, A-Rod countered that he wasn't being "literal." Fair enough, as hyperbole might be the best response to this whole charade.

But when he was done clearing that up, Rodriguez dropped some verbal excess concerning embattled teammate Andy Pettitte that goes far beyond common rhetorical techniques such as "figurative speech" and "hyperbole" and ventures straight into "batshit insane."

Andy is one of the greatest human beings I've ever met," Rodriguez said. "I have two daughters -- well, I have one and one on the way. If I had a daughter, I would want 'em to marry Andy Pettitte. The age difference might be a little awkward, but in today's day and age anything is possible.

You probably need to read the quote more than once to get its full effect.

A quick note on Barry Bonds

Like most, I don't really know quite what to think about Barry Bonds breaking the most revered of all sports records.

But I will say that it just goes to show you don't need to be "one of the guys" or "have a head smaller than a gigantic watermelon" to become Major League Baseball's all-time home run king.

Will 756 force society to look at the socially awkward and physically deformed in a new light?

I know I'd still walk a block to avoid running into one of them. And, even knowing what we know now about their laser-like focus and probable links to performance enhancing drugs, I still wouldn't want some weirdo with extremities puffed up like water wings on my softball team.

Really, the big winner here is Alex Rodriguez. Because when he passes Bonds' mark in about six years the public will only be mildly perturbed with A-Rod's hopeless narcissism and passive aggressive whininess.

I believe the reason there is a squirrel on Barry Bonds' leg is because the photoshopper I grabbed this picture from wishes to imply Bonds is a giant acorn head.

If you get past the lack of scoring soccer is crazy

Early word out of Yankee camp is Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez -- the two most recognizable faces of America's signature sports franchise -- are not seeing eye-to-eye.

They were once the best of buddies, dining together "four or five times a week," but Rodriquez acknowledged what has long been suspected -- the future Hall of Famers' relationship had gone south long before spring training.

Rodriguez offered this new found candor to the New York press with the ridiculous caveat it would be the last time he publicly discusses his relationship with Jeter. Which is akin to capturing a shark's attention, letting him eat your finger and then declaring fair play would be he not devour the rest of you.

Jeter, for his part, offered a non-denial denial or a denial non-denial and tried to move on.

This will all eventually lead to a trade of Rodriguez. But there is no urgency, especially if the Yankees start the season winning and keep it up. What's the worst that could happen: Sarcastic body language on the left side of the infield? A family member posting an ominous entry on a blog? An angry session with a sports psychiatrist?

Over in England, things are a little bit different. Two starters on Liverpool, one of Europe's most storied soccer franchises, had a falling out last week and the result was, well, a little more intense.

It started, apparently, with Arne Riise refusing to take teammate Craig Bellemy up on his request for Riise to join him on stage for some after-hours Karaoke and ended, apparently, with a spurned Bellemy barging into Riise's hotel room and pummeling the sleeping left mid-fielder with a golf club.

Liverpool is believed to be trying to sell Bellemy to another club. Urgently.