Bet on LSU, against Obama assassination

I do understand the anxiety that many feel surrounding Barack Obama and assassination. If it was still 1968 a serious black presidential candidate with "Kennedyesque charm" would have little chance surviving breakfast, let alone a long political campaign. But 1968 was a long time ago and, while it only takes one bad seed, I seriously doubt there will be an attempt on Obama's life. Unless he surprises us all and decides to run for president of Pakistan.

That being said, it's not like American assassins have followed a certain logic pattern since their days of big game hunting during the sixties. To me, the most fascinating aspect of our nation's assassination history took place in 1975, when there were two attempts on Gerald Ford's life within a two week period -- and both would-be assassins were women. I don't know what is stranger, that a US president was almost taken out by someone named Squeaky, or that two different people were actually able to convince themselves taking out Gerald Ford was worth the personal consequences.

Death Watch: Saddam leaves them hanging edition

I went to bed last night safe in the knowledge that Saddam Hussein would be hung by Sunday and the rule of three -- the most sacred rule in all of Death Watching -- would reign.

But now the ingrates in the Iraqi government want to delay Hussein's execution by up to a month, leaving Gerald Ford and James Brown hanging, so to speak.

Since I'm not religious, I don't necessarily buy into the theory that when two prominent people die within a couple days of each other, but aren't quickly matched with a third appropriately prominent death, their two prominent souls must wander purgatory for an eternity.

But I will tell you this: When historians are forced to trio Ford and Brown with ne'er-do-well infielder Chris Brown -- whose claim to fame was missing a game for "sleeping on the wrong eye" -- it will constitute a stunning rebuke to the legacies of the 38th President and the "hardest working man in show business."

Four years ago the United States had the prescience to invade Iraq and capture and try for war crimes Iraq's world famous, despotic leader. Now when that same leader's timely execution could complete a proper send off for two great Americans it gets caught in some bureaucratic snag and might be delayed?

Sometimes you have to ask yourself -- what's the point?

Death watch: Two down and one to go edition

Death is a famously holiday averse fellow, and while you've been opening presents, stuffing your face with food, searching for after-Christmas bargains and preparing for New Years, the beat goes on for the angel with no body-fat and a scythe.

Last night Death snagged himself the biggest holiday prize of all: A United States President. Gerald Ford had already captured the admiration of Death Watchers everywhere with his grace and resilience* in face of mounting evidence of his impending demise. At 93, Ford was and will remain the longest living President in US history. George Herbert Walker Bush edges Jimmy Carter to grab the title of "oldest living President."

Like he always does, Death came in on Christmas. This year it was James Brown who paid the ultimate price for Death's workaholic tendencies. I don't have a lot to say about Brown because he was the "Godfather of Soul" and I find too much soul overwhelms me -- and by too much soul I mean any more than is in that Backstreet Boys' song you hate to admit is pretty good.

Nevertheless, James Brown's over-the-top style spawned some solid parodies I was able to appreciate, including this classic skit from Eddie Murphy.

Any Death Watcher worth his or her salt knows death comes in threes. Taking the star-power of Ford and Brown into account, the chances of Fidel Castro and Dick Cheney both making it to 2007 would now seem quite slight.

But I see that Castro's doctor, after months of stonewalling, has claimed the Cuban leader's health is improving. And, since nothing clears the arteries like the thrill of a lesbian birth, the US Vice President is also likely in the clear.

Over the next few days I'll be watching Donald Trump, who could be cracking under increased stress, Vladamir Putin, who may have handled poisonous material, Terrell Owens, who craves attention at all costs, and Beyonce Knowles, whose face is falling off.

* In a finale tribute to Ford's sticktoitness, the author of his Washington Post obituary died, himself, almost a year ago.

Bonus video: More fun with Gerald Ford obits from Dana Carvey.

Death watch: Gerald Ford

The perceived clumsiness of President Gerald Ford provided the nation with much needed comic relief in the aftermath of Watergate and Vietnam.

Ford did take a famous tarmac tumble during his presidency, but in reality the former All-American college football star was probably the best athlete to ever grace the White House.

In his old age Ford is also proving to be exceptionally sure-footed in what matters most -- staying alive.

Including today, the 38th President has been hospitalized at least four times in the past year. Heart procedures and pneumonia would fell most 93 year olds, but Ford keeps ticking and breathing and is usually back at his home in Rancho Mirage, CA relatively quickly.

Gerald Ford might be the only president in US history to hold the office without being elected president or vice president but, in terms of gracefully surviving the death watch crosshairs, Ford is number one in our book.