Slow days inspire bad puns and potty humor

Last year the big story from the White House Correspondents' Dinner was the caustic performance of comedian Stephen Colbert. Colbert's routine wasn't well received in real time, but took on water cooler status once it hit the unwashed masses via YouTube.

This year they hired tamer entertainment, and left it up to the guests to provide the morning-after controversy. Global warming first-responders Sheryl Crow (singer) and Laurie David (wife of enthusiasm deficient, Seinfeld-rich Larry) tried their best by confronting famous White House advisor Karl Rove with their crusade. Rove, according to most reports, including Crow and David's own, reacted with over-the-top rudeness to the ladies' well-plotted invasion.

Rove became particularly unnerved when Crow reached over to touch him.

On Monday we got further insight into why Rove, who was headed towards his table to eat, may have become so enraged by the touch of a woman many consider to be desirable.

It turns out, in her full effort to save the globe, Crow limits her toilet paper usage. Severely limits.

Yesterday, in the aftermath of the dust-up, Crow appeared on the daytime talk show The View. "Have you seen my ass" was The View's co-host Rosie O'Donnell's incredulous response to Crow's one square per sitting standard. But Rosie didn't simply rely on words when she referred to her posterior. She created a succinct visual. (Pictured above.)

A rectangle, formed with her pointer fingers and thumbs, that clearly represented not the whole ass, but only the section relevant to wiping -- the part you aren't allowed to mention on TV.

So the next time you feel like staging a confrontation with a government official concerning your pet "save the world" project at a social event -- or even if you just have the urge to harass, with talk of Jesus or whatnot, some poor guy who is trying to walk to the grocery store -- remember, your evangelical zeal and surprise tactics are unlikely to change the mind of your target.

And might just trigger a chain of events ending with the ample Rosie O'Donnell graphically describing her most "holey" attribute to an audience that is likely to be eating lunch.

Snap judgement: Bill Simmons on the TV

It has become vogue, among espn.com's Bill Simmons's 18-35 male demographic, to say or write something along the lines of "The Sports Guy used to be great and he got me into writing/blogging/fantasy football/David Ortiz/Texas hold 'em/the OC, but now he sucks and just recycles old columns."

To drive this point home a write your very own Sports Guy Column generator is floating around the Internet. It's kind of a reverse Mad-libs deal and, if you have about 15 minutes, it works surprisingly well.

While I agree Simmons tends to touch on the same themes and uses the same format over and over he is also burdened with having about five years of intensely scrutinized about-weekly "8000" word columns. (Another of his not-so charming attributes is he rarely gets through a longer-column without a bragging reference to its massive word count.)

Despite his volume and repetitions, I continue to read almost every word Simmons writes, still think his ability to mix sports and pop-culture is second to none and remain surprised when one of his columns doesn't make me laugh aloud a few times.

But there has been something eating me about Simmons lately: He continues to offer Bill Simmons the man, not the talented writer, as a male etiquette expert in situations like a fantasy football draft, a blackjack table, a night at the bar, a relationship etc. Yet, I don't think he has ever made the case that he is worthy of handing down these Miss Manner-like scoldings to the less-socialized.

What makes Bill Simmons unusual among "celebrity sports columnists" is he almost never appears on television. The only time I have seen him on TV was one of those VH1 I Love the (insert the decade) programs. He was just on screen for about ten seconds and I don't remember what he commented on. Either his clip was shot in a studio with different lighting than all the other commentators or the CRT radiation from the monitor he has been sitting in front for the last decade has rendered his skin translucent, because he appeared as hair floating ten inches above a headless body.

I would have thought his move from Boston to LA a few years ago and his affiliation with late-night host Jimmy Kimmel would have produced more TV appearances but, so far, none that I know of.

So it was with great anticipation I watched Bill Simmons' appearance on the Colbert Report last night. Would he be the comfortable-in-his-own-shoes man's man he suggests in print or the squeaky-voiced geek many suspect he is in person?

So excited was I for the prospect of an answer to this transcendent question I put post-it's stating "Comedy Central" and "11:30" all over my apartment to neutralize my habit of forgetting to do things I fully intend on doing.

My was I disappointed. Not in Simmons, but in the interview as a vehicle to solve the Bill Simmons' mystery. It was only couple minutes long and Colbert, as is his act, spoke over Simmons the whole time.

Simmons' hue was more normal. His voice was a little squeaky, but he did speak confidently. When he was able to complete a thought -- he offered an anecdote about Bush throwing out the first pitch in Yankee stadium after 9/11, there was the obligatory discussion of Red Sox nation, and a quick suggestion of how to improve USA Basketball -- he was mildly insightful. Yet nothing was revealed or solved.

Although I fully expect a 8000 word report next week, complete with a checklist of how to behave as a guest on a talk show.

The congressman from Florida loses his mind

I'm not here to say mixing cocaine and prostitutes wouldn't be fun.

Of course, Florida Congressman Robert Wexler wasn't being serious when he readily suggested it would.

But why? Why? WHY would you say that on national television? Even if you are clearly kidding and it is probably true.

It happened yesterday and it is already all over the internet. Wexler is going to be known, for the rest of his life, as the congressman who said he cocaine and prostitutes equal fun.

If you watch the whole clip, Wexler is clever and in control of Stephen Colbert until the subjects of drugs and hookers come up and the fake journalist smacks away the Congressman's better sense.

Sure, Wexler's closing volley of jokes were funny and he was being a good sport, but it might be a good idea for an elected official to maintain a small semblance of decorum.

Even on a fake news show.