Next we'll learn there are no black people in Detroit

I'll always remember the disillusionment I felt when I first learned Windy City Chicago was of average breeziness, and actually less windy than other major metropolitan areas such as Boston and Dallas. This started me on a journey of doubt that, inevitably, ended with the realization the charm of Baltimore -- the so-called Charm City -- was strictly in the eyes of a beholder with very low expectations.

I was reminded of these eye-opening experiences with the fickleness of city reputations --monikered or otherwise -- when I come across the latest statistical breakdown of America's gay population.

Don't worry, San Fransisco is an easy number one, but the big surprise was New York City did not crack the top ten cities for percentage of gay population. That despite NYC having the nation's leading theater district, a large fashion industry, the neighborhoods of Chelsea and Greenwich Village and a history of relative hospitality towards gay people.

Granted, I've never even been to the gay meccas of Hartford, Connecticut or Tampa/St. Petersburg, but I did once live in New York and observed that, among a host of other unique attributes, The City has a very noticeable and seemingly large gay population. And I was able to conclude this despite an aversion to public fitness that kept me far away from any of the city's gyms.

The only thing I can take from such a demographic surprise is New York's comparatively small gay population is really, really good at being gay.

JSB tries its hand at copywriting

A new poll suggests 42 percent of Americans are uncertain God exists. That number is up from 34 percent three years ago. I have always hypothesized Americans link the existence of God to lower gasoline prices. This finally proves it.

When I got over the thrill of yet another petroleum-based (non football-related) prognostication gone my way, I realized this decline in strength of belief is a net-positive for all of us.

There is nothing wrong with believing in God, but only those who have actually laid eyes upon the man* -- or at least had two-sided conversation with him -- can possibly do so with certainty.

There is a word for people lucky enough to see, or share an audible dialogue with God. And that word is "looney."

America: Now only 58 percent looney.

Or,

America: Now 8 percent less looney.

* One percent of Americans think God is a woman. That number is probably rounded up.

Steve Irwin is better than sex! So are stingrays!

A list of the top Wikepedia pages in September.

I just hope they don't have Sony batteries

In the next month or so the population of the United States will reach 300 million. In light of recent revelations involving the Census Bureau and missing laptop computers, instead of celebrating our great nation's size and generosity we will be stuck asking questions we have no answers for.

There has been a lot of speculation on the information these laptops might contain, and whether it would be of value to identity thieves. That is to suggest these laptops were stolen. It is far more likely they were lost and could be found with a cursory sweep of Census Bureau supply closets.

Therein lies the real problem. This isn't like when the Pentagon misplaced all of those anti-aircraft missiles. The Pentagon has plenty of missiles. And if they do run out, plenty of money to buy more missile. And our enemies don't even have aircrafts.

But this, this is big. If the Census Bureau can't keep track of laptops -- which rarely pack up and move to a new city or lie about how many people live in their house -- how can we trust any of their findings?

It makes me sad when I think about the satisfaction the Houstonian must have felt when his city overtook Philadelphia for fourth on the largest cities list. Or the warm glow around the Latino's heart when Hispanics passed blacks for first on the largest minority list.

If I had one wish it would be they never know the house of cards their pride was built on.

DC -- back on top?

The results still need to be reconciled -- because the FBI counts Washington DC as a state and has all sorts of different ways of defining cities -- but it looks like The District could be "Murder Capital" once again. Washington grabbed the top spot during the crack epidemic of the 80's and held it until a few years ago.

If DC is to regain the title it won't be because the murderers in our nation's capital are working harder or learning to kill with greater efficiency. In fact, The District's murder rate has been pretty static since the city relinquished the crown.

Enter Hurricane Katrina, which forced many of New Orleans' best murders to relocate. It is expected the New Orleans' homicide rate -- so dominant in '04 -- will fall off considerably. (How's that treating you, once manageable murder rate of Houston, Texas?)

Detroit has been a threat in the past, but it's likely '05 will be remembered as the year The Motor City finally ran out of people to murder.

Leaving DC and its neighbor to the north in a Baltimore-Washington Parkway battle for murder supremacy.

Even with all the hype surrounding the gritty, "realistic" Baltimore-based crime drama The Wire, aka "the greatest show in the history of television," it's hard for me to imagine Baltimore being number one at anything. Remember, nobody actually watches The Wire.

So that leaves DC: First in war, first in peace, first in murder and last in the National League East.

Finally. It even has a nice little rhyme.

I have to confess: As a long time Washington-area resident I've never, during my hundreds of trips inside the constitutionally mandated district, been murdered. Not even remotely. Nor have I ever known anyone else to be. I did eat some really bad sushi there once.

Damned Statistics

A recent survey of 12-34 year olds found only 25 percent could identify all four broadcast network stations.

The survey became the most emailed Advertising Age article of the day, and garnered a spot on the zeitgeisty Drudge Report.

The implication being this information should be of grave concern to the broadcast and advertising industries -- if not the nation as a whole.

I contend it's nothing to worry about.

Ever since they started surveying these type of things, we've been bombarded with statistics showing the youth of America struggle to identify things awake they should be able to recite in their sleep.

As a child in the 80's I remember a lot of numerically backed talk of how the typical American student could barely name any of the fifty states -- let alone other countries. This was in stark contrast to the geography whiz's they were creating over in the Soviet Union and Japan.

We all know how that story ended.

The Soviet Union collapsed, unleashing such monstrosities as Kazakhstan, Kyrgzstan and Tajikistan on unsuspecting geography students the world over. In Japan the bubble burst unleashing ... Flooding ..? A rash of low-quality anima ..? I really don't know.

But I do know this -- All of my contemporaries who couldn't find the United States on a map if they were spotted the Northern and Western hemispheres had no trouble finding Mexico when Spring Break and Cancun beckoned. Nor did the countries of Europe pose much of a challenge when they decided to take time off and bum around the old world.

So cheer up ABC, CBS, NBC and Fox. As long as you provide quality programming the youth of America will find you.