Mel and Britney?

* OK, so I really blew it by not coming up with "Mitney" as a Spears/Gibson portmanteau. Duh -- it's staring right out from the title of the post. I guess I think of "Mitney" as the hip nickname for Mitt Romney that wasn't.

This still doesn't clear up the Burma/Myanmar thing

If you've been following the natural disasters over in Asia, you've probably been wondering why the government of Burma/Myanmar gets to be called a "junta," while government of China is referred by the staid old title of "Chinese government."

It turns out "junta" is more than just a fun word to say. It is also a technical term describing a country which is run by a committee (the word "junta" is Spanish for committee) of military leaders who took power via a coup.

Burma/Myanmar currently sports the world's longest running junta, since 1988, but other classic junta-run countries from the past include Chile, Greece and Indonesia.

Despite Myanmar/Burma's collective leadership, much of the international outrage against its junta is directed towards one man, Than Shwe. Shwe holds the title of Chairman of the State Peace and Development Council, but many, including prominent members of the Hollywood community, feel not only does Shwe deliberately shirk his peace and development duties but mocks his title by taking it in the opposite direction.

Over here in the USA, for about seven years George Bush's most extreme critics have been using the inflammatory but technically incorrect (or at least deceptive)* phrase "Bush regime" to express their dissatisfaction with his leadership.

If accuracy isn't a requirement, and being inflammatory part of the goal, why haven't we been hearing more about being ruled by a "Bush junta." The connotations of a junta are much more damming than that of a regime. When the hard-core anti-Bush crowd reflects back on his presidency, overlooking the word "junta" should be one of their greatest regrets.

* The current American regime began in 1778.

From the land of the giant religious holiday bunnies

Bush, the president who loved too much.

Bush one threat away from being a triple threat

George Bush is still a relatively young guy, and will likely be alive many, many years after his presidency is complete. Much of the speculation around Bush's next step focuses on him clearing a lot of brush in Crawford or, if he is lucky, being appointed commissioner of baseball.

But lately Bush has been displaying a surprisingly theatrical side which may provide clues into where Bush goes from here. It started a few weeks ago in Africa when Bush showed the locals how exactly his tribe from Texas dances.

This cultural exchange was dismissed as Bush having fun in the one region of the world besides home state where he is still well-liked.

Only such logic can not explain why Bush performed a tap dance for the not-so friendly White House press last week, before bestowing upon poor John McCain his dreaded endorsement.

Or why, after holding back for seven years, Bush unveiled a tuneful singing voice and enthusiastic stage presence during his skit at the press core's annual Gridiron Dinner.

Ex-Presidents have become writers, gentleman farmers, university chancellors, members of congress and the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. We might even soon have an ex-President first man. But an ex-President song and dance man? Who would have thought?

Today in bad days

Friday is supposed to be the best day of the week. There is even an American casual dinning chain based on this principle. But a bad day can come on any day -- even a Friday. For example, I'm having a bad day today. I slept way too much (an underrated sleeping disorder) and there is something wrong with the series of tubes connecting my computer to the rest of the Internet. Right now the whole world appears like that unfocused shaky sound the disembodied voice of Charlie Brown's teacher makes.

When I'm having a bad day I like to figure out who is having a worse day than me. Then I feel better. The Germans call this schadenfreude, and there is no direct English language equivalent. Luckily a few prominent people have stepped up:

George W. Bush Bush is in Australia, and I have no idea what day it technically is over there. But I do know in the last 24 hours Bush has had himself a tough time. It started during a speech at the famous Sydney Opera House in which Bush 1) wishfully called APEC (Asia Pacific Economic Corporation) OPEC (those dirty land lottery winning third world monopolists) 2) referred to the army of a country so loyal to the United States that it would stand by us if we decided to attack Canada as the "Austrian" army and 3) wandered off the stage in the wrong direction. Bush was headed for a spill into the orchestra pit before Australian Prime Minister John Howard saved him.

Bush followed up his disastrous speech by inadvertently declaring war on South Korea. Currently Bush is hung over, but resting comfortable.

Norman Hsu I haven't been following this story at all, because the political guilt-by-association gotcha stuff bores me to tears, but did you know Hsu is literally a fugitive from the law? As in there is a warrant out for his arrest, and has been for fifteen years. I tried to think of gratuitous activities that are stupider for a fugitive to engage in than high profile national political fund raising. After actually running for political office and appearing on a reality TV show (which has happened more than once, unfortunately for the human race) I couldn't think of any.

This Guy I can't confirm this happened today or on a Friday at all, but, speaking of dumb criminals, This Guy tried to rob a bank with a cop right behind him. If you turn the volume up you can hear the other bank patrons talking college football and then laughing at the would-be thief.

Rick Ankiel Just yesterday comeback story of the century Rick Ankiel was getting 7 RBI's in a game and making sterling plays in his new position of center field. He really was Roy Hobbs, and was even putting up the kind of numbers last seen in the montage during the movie version of The Natural. Today it is being reported Ankiel bought a year's supply of HGH in 2004. It could very well be Ankiel turned to HGH at a time when his personal and professional life was in shambles, and he is totally clean now. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this is the case. But there is no room for performance enhancers in fables or fairy tales.

But there is always room for them on a Friday, thank goodness.

Spears to be first white trash Attorney General

With dog-killing running quarterback Michael Vick copping a plea and finding Jesus, and kitten-drugging junkie singer Pete Doherty now assigned to some sort of criminal supervision, I would have thought we would be done with stories about celebrities abusing pets until at least September.

But over the weekend Britney Spears kept the man-beast love going by getting herself investigated by the SPCA for dog abuse. Furthermore, proving the axiom that those who abuse their pets go on to to even more serious forms of maltreatment, yesterday we got word Britney is also being investigated by the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services for child abuse.

Of course these are just allegations, and nowhere in the vague charges do we see ominous phrases such as "rape stand," or "whetting down and then electrocuting."

Still, if it is proven Spears abuses dogs and children -- and we already know she has abused our eardrums and many a pint of Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream -- what could there possibly be left for Britney to abuse?

My sources tell me George W. Bush, in a strident kiss off to his critics, will on Friday name Britney Spears as the next Attorney General of the United States. Freeing the former pop princess to abuse our Constitution and our democracy in more or less the same way way that critics have been hysterically claiming her predecessors did.

A recess appointment, Spears will make an immediate splash by declaring martial law in an attempt to lock down our nation's supply of Cheetos.

However Britney will emerge from her long bellyache with a more humble agenda, and the rest of her term will be marked by nonsensical blog posts on the Department of Justice website and unprecedented cabinet-level use of the contraction "y'all." The republic will survive as it always does.

Nexus of the universe?

Because of its mysterious symptoms and the fact some people don't believe it really exists, I like to think of Lyme Disease as the conspiracy theory of bacterial infections.

Because of all the gleeful speculation on nefarious plots he elicits from the black helicopter crowd whose ranks he has personally increased by many fold, I like to think of George W. Bush as the conspiracy theory of presidents.

So what happens when the conspiracy theory of presidents is infected with the conspiracy theory of bacterial infections? And what happens if that president has been allegedly hiding the alleged disease -- which allegedly causes cognitive defects -- from the public for at least a year?

I don't know, but I can't wait to find out what Cheney had to do with it.

Death Watch: Castro hopes for death by Bush

Like most Death Watchers, I've been a little down lately. Nobody famous has been dying, or looking near death, and when a borderline well-known person croaks it has always been at an awkward time like a weekend or when I am eating lunch. (Murder suicides and professionals wrestlers? That's just gross.)

But I think much of our collective malaise stems from the aftermath of Anna Nicole Smith's passing. During those three glorious and confusing weeks of court rulings autopsies and embalming, our expertise in the death game was coveted like never before. Suddenly society valued our work like they would that of a psychic or one of those pop culture pundits who give witty commentary on VH1's celebreality programming.

When you've been so high it's difficult to come back down, and that's what we've all been dealing with. On the bright side, we still have Castro.

It's been 11 months since the Cuban President has been seen in public but, judging from his prodigious letter writing output, he still has many of his faculties. In his latest missive he turns the death watch cross hairs onto himself and speculates that he has so far survived at least "650" assassination attempts.

Most notably he accuses the current President Bush of being responsible for more than a few of these efforts. Castro even implies (but gives no evidence) that Bush was planning hits on him even before he reached the White House.

That claim in itself isn't so far-fetched. As we all know, killing people has been a consistent hallmark of Bush's entire career in public service, not just during his time as President. But, by the same token, Bush has never been one to be shy or sneaky about his plans to end a life. It's safe to say if Bush wants you dead he has already told the world of his intent, or has actually killed you, or has failed in his attempt to kill you, but significantly lowered the property values in your neighborhood.

Since Castro bears none of the markings of Bush's lethal interest, the chances are Bush has not ordered any hits on Castro. Which must be a bitter pill for the longtime dictator to swallow. Especially considering that, in Castro's heyday, he was getting legitimate assassination heat from American Presidents far more reticent about killing.

Getting old is tough. A death watcher knows this better than anyone. Getting old is even tougher when you are a firebrand agitator of one of the few communist countries left in the world but, in your diminished capacity, you can't get the most trigger-happy US President in recent history to make you a martyr.

Did Albania steal Bush's watch?

Emphatically proving his unpopularity doesn't stretch to all corners of the world, President Bush was met in Albania by cheering crowds, a series of commemorative postage stamps, and an official declaration that he is the greatest person in the history of the universe to ever visit the Balkan state. (While this might read like hyperbole, it's all actually true.)

This was too much for Bush's hysterical legion of haters, whose insecurity is such that they only feel comfortable when new Europe despises Bush as much as they do. So, with the help of Albania's sensationalist local media, these bitter critics have developed a narrative that suggests this whole celebration of Bush was an elaborate plot to get him to let his guard down long enough for Albania to steal his watch.

There is even a video tape-- as doctored as it is confusing -- to support the claims of the well-planned pilfering.

I, for one, believe the White House when it suggests the reason why Bush's watch appears to disappear during his interaction with the crowd was simply that Bush took it off and put it in his pocket.

Bush might not be an expert when it comes to understanding foreign cultures, but even he will eventually realize it is not a good a idea to tempt a crowd of Gypsies -- even an adoring crowd of Gypsies -- with a shiny watch.

Barack out gaffes W by 9788

On Monday President Bush suggested Queen Elizabeth II had visited the United States back in 1776. He meant 1976 and quickly caught himself but ridicule, especially of the British tabloid variety, followed.

While the president briefly gave the queen an age not seen since the time of Methuselah, one of the men who would like to replace Bush in 2009 also reverted to biblical largesse yesterday, claiming the recent tornadoes in Kansas had killed "10,000."

The death toll was actually 12 and when Barack Obama realized, minutes later, what he had done he attributed his gaffe to being "tired."

The best part of Barack's exaggeration (video) is the two guys on the stage behind him who continue with their approving nods even after Obama drops the ridiculous number. As a stump speaker, you can't buy help like that.

Time magazine snubs Hoops, the president

Like George W. Bush, JSB basketball correspondent Mordecai "Hoops" McCann was left off of Time magazine's list of the 100 people who shape the world.

While I was quite confused as to why I wasn't on the list -- since it wasn't so long ago Time named me person of the year -- I can't disagree with either Hoops's or our President's absence. In fact, over the last couple years, I've been trying to tell hysterical people the presidency is a vastly overrated job and that it makes little difference who holds the office. I'm glad the mainstream media has finally caught up with me. It gets lonely out in front

As for Hoops, well, let's just say he's had better years. His micro-analysis is still as strong as ever, but his prognostication, once his bread and butter, and what gave him the ear of wise men and kings, has disintegrated in a blinding cloud of Phoenix Sun hatred.

I last spoke to Hoops Tuesday night, during game five of Golden State and Dallas's first round playoff match up. Like everyone else, he was marveling at what an entertaining and fascinating series the Mavs and Warriors have been engaged in. If you are at all a fan of basketball I highly recommended watching game six tonight.

Although the final whistle probably won't end until well after 1 AM on the East Coast, and the otherworldly insanity of the crowd in Golden State's Oracle Arena will be buzzing in your ears long after that.

In his latest dispatch, Hoops breaks down what may be the most exciting first round playoff match up in recent sports history,

Whoever smelt it dealt it

Speaking in front of the United Nations, Hugo Chavez isn't able to control his sulfur-like flatulence.

Then he tries to pin it on Bush.

JSB games the commodity market

Mark my words: Gas will drop to 2 dollars a gallon by the middle of October, as the price of light sweet crude falls to 57 dollars a barrel.

I know, today the Drudge Report screamed GAS PRICES FALL TO 2.05 IN IOWA! But I mean 2 bucks in the less-Iowa regions of the country where gas is currently around 2.75 a gallon and people are less likely to whine about having nothing to do on a Friday night.

There are three reasons for this drop off:

1. There is election in November. If the price of gas isn't (secretly) the biggest issue in the election it is close to it. The House of Saud still holds considerable sway over OPEC. And the House of Saud and W. are buddies. Don't call it a conspiracy, but you can call it quid pro quo -- the kind where you get to hold hands.

2. Energy consuming behemoth America survived a hot summer without any energy supply problem to speak of, despite a partial closing of the Alaska pipeline in August. Not many would have predicted that coming in.

3. The recent mega-find in the Gulf of Mexico -- projected to increase US oil reserves by 50 percent -- won't hit the market for years, but it underlines the theory that the earth is far from running out of oil. And, as long as the price per barrel doesn't dip back to 15 dollars, some enterprising mega-cooperation will be there to find and harvest the black gold and turn it into a quick trip to the mall.

If anyone thinks I would make such a bold predication without putting my money where my mouth is, I will now squash that affront forever:

On Friday I needed gas. The price was at $ 2.83 a gallon -- down almost 50 cents since last time I gassed up.

Instead of letting out a yelp of joy and filling up, I calmly pumped 2 gallons. This will last me about two weeks. By then I expect gas to be at about $ 2.40.

If I fill my tank at $2.40 I will have saved about five bucks. But I won't. I will wait another 2 weeks. The price of gas will dip to 2 dollars.

Then I will fill my tank with a total savings of close to ten dollars.

So it's pretty clear; either you're with me or you will pay the consequences. With real money.

*Jeez, oil just dropped another 1.85 today. I didn't even see that. Maybe not such a bold prediction anymore.

Remember, answering "jumping the shark has jumped the shark" is so 2002

While I was on vacation something very significant happened. On the virtual pages of Slate, Bruce Reed begged the question "Is our president French?"

He legitimizes the premise of his seemingly outrageous cyber-inquiry with a presidential summer-reading list led by Camus and something about Marie-Antoinettish tax cuts.

Clearly Reed jests -- but behind every joke is truth and behind every truth a deeper meaning.

In search of that meaning, I've drawn up a few questions of my own and arranged them into a single, multiple choice offering:

Now that a Bush-as-French line of argument is legitimate comic fodder it means:

A) Criticism of George W. Bush has "jumped the shark"
B) George W. Bush has "jumped the shark."
C) Criticism of the French have "jumped the shark."
D) The French have "jumped the shark."
E) All of the above

The answer, of course, is E.

One could argue these were all sharks jumped long ago. Still, it took Bruce Reed, writing on a lazy Friday in August, to remind us that they have been, and to draw out the undeniable relationship the jumping of these sharks share.

Overstepping their bounds

I try to be as clear as possible on this space. Unfortunately, I am not always as clear as I'd like to be.

About two weeks ago I posted an item where I suggested "celebrities" might follow glossy magazine celeb Valerie Plame's lead and sue prominent government officials as a way of garnering publicity if, for example, their book deal has just fallen through.

I thought I had made it abundantly apparent it was only cool for celebrities to do this. Reason being celebrities are different than the rest of us.

By different I mean better. Why else would they get all the latest products and fashions for free and be allowed to openly practice a strange Martian religion without becoming a laughingstock at work?

It is possible Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter thinks he is celebrity. I'll be generous and conclude there was some sort of mix-up in his office involving C-Span's Nielsen ratings, a decimal point and a low-level staffer. It happens all the time. So I'll direct this to all of the Specter camp:

Arlen Specter is not a celebrity and should not be suing President Bush. Especially in a confusing way that makes everyone's head hurt when they try to figure it out.

Luckily he has yet to file the suit. I can only hope this message will encourage savvier heads to prevail.

No such luck with a group called the The American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee. They have already filed suit against Secretaries Rumsfeld and Rice. Something to do with Lebanon, evacuations, all sorts of silliness.

What isn't so silly is I can't think of a single Arab celebrity. Not a one. Maybe the "AAADC" should get busy figuring out why that is because actually having celebrities is a great way for an ethnic group to get publicity. Far better than suing the Secretary of State.

Quite frankly, I don't think the whole suing the prominent government official thing has been the publicity bonanza Valerie Plame expected it to be. In fact, I haven't seen her name anywhere since she filed.

If I was writing about it now, I probably wouldn't suggest celebrities follow her lead. I certainly would include a better definition of what a celebrity is.

Tony Blair gets a new pejorative moniker

Yesterday, President Bush played Rocky to Tony Blair's Adrian during what was thought to be a private conversation at the G8 summit. Today, all of England laments what it heard.

Blair had already been labeled "Bush's Poodle" by Bush administration foreign policy critics on both sides of the Atlantic. This latest example of Blair's subservience has given fresh credence to that refrain.

After scouring over the tapes and the transcripts of those unscripted remarks in Russia, I have come away with two observations:

1. The "real" George Bush genuinely speaks like a man who is half his age, has had a few beers, maybe a line of coke, and thoroughly enjoys being leader of the free-world. How he pulls this off, I am not sure. But it could be the whole get-to-bed-early thing is a ruse and W. actually spends his nights partying with the Twins and their cohorts.

2. The Bush/Blair relationship is analogous to another famous movie relationship --the charming, infantile, drunk played by the late Dudley Moore and the dutiful, sweater-offering valet played by the late John Gielgud in the comedy classic Arthur. I saw Arthur recently and all I can say is anyone who thinks otherwise is confused and needs to watch the movie and review the transcript from the G8.

From now on there should be no more "Poodle" Tony Blair. There should only be a "Butler" Tony Blair.

In keeping with the movie theme, how great would it be if the good reviews from Bush's G8 performance caused him to go Bullworth and start speaking like that at all times? Nobody would like him any less. And I would have a lot more to blog about.
*Welcome new readers. If you like this blog, please bookmark it and visit again.

Hezbollah is like rain on your wedding day

President Bush has had a tough few months, with the falling approval ratings and the explosions, but he was on top of his game this morning in Russia. Without knowing there was a live microphone in front of him, The President used an expletive, misused the word "irony" and spoke with his mouth full.

All in the span of a few seconds.

The irony* being in some quarters they are mocking W for this.

Well, my friends, if you mock a man for cussing, using "irony" incorrectly and speaking while he chews, you mock us all.

Earlier, in his off-the-cuff chat with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Bush kept it real by whipping out the American colloquialisms "yo" and "you know what I'm saying."

The constitution prevents Bush from running for a third term. If he could, this plainspoken, "plugged" conversation with Blair would be in his first campaign ad.

Today's shit was so good it would probably work in a commerical if Jeb decided to run.

*I'm not even sure I used the word "irony" correctly (or the president used it incorrectly.) That word has always made me dizzy. Even before the song.

James Baker might also feel slighted

Rumors of an affair between President Bush and his Secretary of State have been floating around since 2004, when Condi was overheard saying, "As I was telling my husb - I was telling President Bush," at a dinner party full of press luminaries.

At the time, most dismissed her slip as the Freudian projection of a spinster. But word that a furious First Lady is currently residing at the "second best address in DC" has prompted a fresh round of speculation.

While there is no more hard evidence of a Bush/Rice affair than of a Bush/Lieberman affair, it still begs a couple questions:

Is it possible the admitted former alcohol abuser/(drug user,) who righted the ship two decades ago by way of his very own recovery program of structured personal "discipline," is finding the leader-of-the-free-world thing extra stressful and now includes the nation's first-dominatrix in his routine?

And, how do you think this makes Madeleine Albright feel? Her boss was clearly a three-holes-and-a-heartbeat kind of guy, yet the former Madam Secretary was never even implicated in jest.

Cruelly unimplicated.