Idle threat of the week

I was able to get the panel of judges to assemble on New Year's day, but they arrived tired and seemed more interested in researching gym memberships than scouring the globe for what had been last week's biggest idle threat.

Forced to pick up the slack for my portly colleagues, I eventually came across an article about the Muslim feast Ei Al-Adha -- where animals are ritually slaughtered to celebrate the biblical story of Abraham. The headline of the article read Animal Sacrifices Maim 1,400 in Turkey , and this just cracked me up.

Even though I have no previous experience in animal sacrifice, I told the sluggish panel that if I ever found myself hell-bent on such a ghoulish activity I -- unlike the Turks -- would surely be able to finish the animal after I maimed it.

The panel, interrupted from their discussion of StairMasters and treadmills, eyed me wearily and informed me if my thoroughness as an animal slaughterer matched my thoroughness as an article reader that probably wouldn't be the case.

Taking the cue to actually read the article, I quickly learned "animal sacrifice maims 1,400 in Turkey" didn't mean there were 1,400 wounded animals limping around Turkey, but rather 1,400 Turks had been sent to the ER with animal sacrifice injuries.

That, I must admit, cracked me up even more.

Most of the injuries were of the puncture variety, although at least one did involve a crane. Sadly, this Ei Al-Adha startled animals cost three brave Turks their lives.

Turkey -- a nation which would like to join the European Union -- has been trying to crack down on the amateur animal sacrifice for years. Apparently, to no avail.

Sure, it would have worked a lot better if the Turks had proven themselves unable to slaughter the proverbial sacrificial lamb, but holiday weeks are always slow on the idle threat front so we are still going to award the shaky-handed Ei Al-Adha celebrating Turks the Idle Threat of the Week for the last week of 2006 -- which was as an idle threat-filled of a year as all the rest.

Kazakhstan deep in a hole

When I first come across Borat, the intrepid but satirical Kazakhstani journalist and star of Da Ali G Show, I assumed his country of origin was also fictional.

And why not? "Kazakhstan" is a humorous amalgamation of an ex-Soviet Republic and an ubiquitous Central Asian "stan." For good measure it even sounds a lot like a real country in the Caspian region.

When I realized Kazakhstan is that country in the Caspian region I thought to myself "they aren't going to be happy with this Borat guy."

Reason being Borat, who is played by British comic Sacha Baron Cohen, proudly represents Kazakhstan as nation where homosexuals are forced to wear blue hats, Gypsies beaten, farm animals molested, Jews tossed down wells and universal suffrage ignores women, but includes horses.

Once the government of Kazakhstan caught wind of this act they threatened legal action against Cohen. Who, in turn, kept his alter ego separate from himself and stated "I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and fully support my government's position to sue this Jew."

Cohen's clever retort got far more attention than the original protest from Kazakhstan -- which by all estimations is one of the most backwards nations in the world.

Kazakhstan's public relations nightmare will reach a crescendo in November when the feature film Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan is released.

Reaction to early screenings suggests it could be the comedy hit of the year. In an attempt to preempt the damage the government of Kazakhstan will take out a four page advertisement in the New York Times exalting their nation's virtues. There has also been discussion of a summit with President Bush to figure out ways Kazakhstan can improve its sullied reputation in the United States.

What baffles me about this is Kazakhstan is a predominately Muslim country. Haven't they learned from their Muslim brothers the proper way to protest an infidel they find insulting is to threaten said infidel's life?

That actually gets results, unlike throwing money at the New York Times or whining to President Bush.

While it could be Cohen ends up showing more spine than your typical Western newspaper editor or German opera director or Vicer of Christ it's worth a shot, isn't it?

Through Borat, Americans know the hobbies of the Kazakhstani include disco dancing, archery, rape, and table tennis.

It's too bad for the people Kazakhstan -- and the reputation of their proud land -- their government doesn't make it a hobby to get with the program.

This guy would be better off blogging

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This was the scene in front of the Israeli Consulate in New York City yesterday. It was supposed to be a protest about Israel's current bombing campaign in Lebanon.

There are plenty of other photos from the same protest that feature placards displaying more appropriate messages. And whatever you think of the overall situation, you have to have sympathy for the people of Lebanon.

But that sign claiming Islam will dominate the White House, as well as that gem about Allah destroying Israel with his magic, were front and center. For most Americans they will and should overshadow whatever else the protestors had to say.

Has there ever been a worst PR move than mixing the inflammable with the inconceivable? Did another human being ever even consider it, before the Islamic Fundamentalists adopted it as their go to move?

Hmm, let's see how many people we can piss off and make lose respect for us. Simultaneously! And a real loss of respect. Not that figure of speech kind.

Beyond that, I'm skeptical of any kind of physical presence protest in 2006. It is pretty clear they don't influence the government and it is doubtful they change minds.

Back in the day, when the lines of communication didn't run seamlessly between everyone with a modem and polling information wasn't readily available, the protest or march might have been a good way to express your feelings and prove a strength in numbers.

Now it just proves a tiny percentage of the public, who might be illiterate, feel like getting together and yelling.

If nothing else protesters need to leave their placards at home. For their own good.