Idle threat of the week

With his winsome mix of kitsch and karate kicks Chuck Norris has provided a boost to a Mike Huckebee presidential run otherwise fueled by Jesus and squirrel meat. Unlike some other celebrity endorsers (meaning the rest) Norris has been a net positive for his candidate by using his mouth only for the display of his pearly white teeth.

But Norris departed from his successful strategy of big smiles and handshakes Sunday, and assumed the attack dog role that, on the Democratic side of this primary campaign, has been reserved for candidate's spouses.

If nothing else Norris aimed high, going after John McCain when the other political players have been reluctant to openly criticize the war-hero and long-time Senator this primary season.

On Sunday Huckebee accused McCain of being too old to hold the presidency, a charge that has been whispered ever since the 71-year old announced his intention to run. In fact, also over the weekend, controversial new New York Times columnist Bill Kristol referred to McCain as "unmodern" and "neovictorian" in a column allegedly listing the Arizona Senator's virtues.

But is Norris the right guy to make the over-the-hill argument? A quick spin around the Internet reveals Norris is soon to turn 68, yet maintains the ability to accomplish seemingly impossible tasks such as sneezing with his eyes open and killing two stones with one bird.

If, at 71, McCain still posses even a tiny percentage of Norris's skills at 67, a McCain presidency would be so successful that former Commander in Chiefs Washington, Lincoln and Roosevelt would be forced to come back to life so they could bow down in proper resepect to McCain's presidential superiority.

Chuck Norris may be able to speak braille but, when it comes to his ability to articulate an effective political take-down, the man who can divide by zero only ends up with the Idle Threat of the Week for January 14th to 20th.

Iowans get the best swag

In an effort to get out the vote in Iowa, Hillary Clinton's campaign will be offering free babysitters for caucus-going families with young children. With the first true test of the 2008 political season less than a day away, what will the other contenders be offering their supporters as an incentive to brave the crisp Midwestern cold and do their civic duty?

John Edwards: A hairstylist.

As a former trial lawyer, John Edwards knows great hair goes a long way towards influencing people. Which is why the Edwards' campaign doesn't want a hair out of place when it comes time for its supporters to win over any caucus goer whose preferred candidate wasn't able to reach the "viability threshold." Edwards was going to provide his own personal stylist for the mass grooming, but couldn't make the numbers work when he learned campaigns are only spending about 200 dollars per caucus vote this year.

Barack Obama: An audacious bag of hope.

The brilliance of this particular get-out-vote giveaway is that nobody has the foggiest idea what a bag of hope -- and especially an audacious bag of hope -- looks like. This makes it that much easier for the Obama campaign to give the mysterious gift to every man, woman and caucus-eligible 17-year old in the state of Iowa.

Mike Huckebee: A twelve-gauge shotgun.

Huckebee was seriously considering giving his supporters shotguns as a reminder that the Arkansas Governor is the only avid hunter and authentic Republican in the race. But instead he held a press conference to announce he had decided not to give away the guns because he isn't the type to run a campaign that distributes firearms. He probably still will. So if by any chance Cheney makes a surprise appearance, watch out.

Mitt Romney: One of his boys.

Not only will a Romney son babysit your kids on caucus night, but, after that, you can just keep him! With their aversions to any job a member of the working class might be forced to take, good luck getting a Romney boy to help out on the family farm. Still, a junior Romney won't steal your liquor and will meticulously explain to you and all your neighbors the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.