Slow days inspire bad puns and potty humor

Last year the big story from the White House Correspondents' Dinner was the caustic performance of comedian Stephen Colbert. Colbert's routine wasn't well received in real time, but took on water cooler status once it hit the unwashed masses via YouTube.

This year they hired tamer entertainment, and left it up to the guests to provide the morning-after controversy. Global warming first-responders Sheryl Crow (singer) and Laurie David (wife of enthusiasm deficient, Seinfeld-rich Larry) tried their best by confronting famous White House advisor Karl Rove with their crusade. Rove, according to most reports, including Crow and David's own, reacted with over-the-top rudeness to the ladies' well-plotted invasion.

Rove became particularly unnerved when Crow reached over to touch him.

On Monday we got further insight into why Rove, who was headed towards his table to eat, may have become so enraged by the touch of a woman many consider to be desirable.

It turns out, in her full effort to save the globe, Crow limits her toilet paper usage. Severely limits.

Yesterday, in the aftermath of the dust-up, Crow appeared on the daytime talk show The View. "Have you seen my ass" was The View's co-host Rosie O'Donnell's incredulous response to Crow's one square per sitting standard. But Rosie didn't simply rely on words when she referred to her posterior. She created a succinct visual. (Pictured above.)

A rectangle, formed with her pointer fingers and thumbs, that clearly represented not the whole ass, but only the section relevant to wiping -- the part you aren't allowed to mention on TV.

So the next time you feel like staging a confrontation with a government official concerning your pet "save the world" project at a social event -- or even if you just have the urge to harass, with talk of Jesus or whatnot, some poor guy who is trying to walk to the grocery store -- remember, your evangelical zeal and surprise tactics are unlikely to change the mind of your target.

And might just trigger a chain of events ending with the ample Rosie O'Donnell graphically describing her most "holey" attribute to an audience that is likely to be eating lunch.

Did Rosie kill Anna Nicole?

Rosie O'Donnell blasts Anna Nicole Smith on Rosie's popular morning show The View and hours later Smith OD's. Hmmm. Wonder if Smith was watching? Smith was obviously in a hotel room, and I know when I'm spending the morning in a hotel room the TV is going to be on.

That's why the classy thing to do is wait until someone dies to say nasty things about them.

Danny Devito debuts a whole new level of drunk

The View is shot in the morning, which is good for guests who have busy days in front of them. It is not good for guests who have been out drinking all night with George Clooney. Appearing on the The View earlier today, Danny Devito firmly planted himself in the drinking-all-night-with-George-Clooney camp of morning talk show guest.

It is safe to assume that during the parts of this clip where the sound has been removed Devito is saying very nasty things about President Bush.

Sticking with the Presidents, Devito also breaks with the trendy revisionist orthodoxy and associates Abraham Lincoln with wanton heterosexual sex.

So, how drunk was Devito? Watch to the end of the clip and discover Devito was drunk enough to sit on Rosie O'Donnell's lap and allow her to kiss and pet him.

Which, I will argue, is significantly drunker than a skunk.

Snap judgment: The View

Regular readers of JSB know I've been watching the World Cup during lunch. I obviously haven't been following the tournament closely enough because I had no idea there weren't any matches scheduled for today. I figured this out only after toggling furiously between ABC, ESPN and ESPN2 for a good five minutes.

In absence of soccer, I settled on watching The View. Yesterday and this morning there was all sorts of hoopla surrounding a Barbara Waters/Star Jones feud that seems to have resulted in Jones abruptly quitting the show. How could I resist trying to figure out what the fuss is about?

Walters was not on the set when I tuned in 2/3rd's of the way into the hour-long show. It was mid-segment and a family of models were displaying the latest summer fashions. Co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the attractive wife of the more hair/less playing time brother Hasselbeck, was seated on a couch, interviewing an older, blond stylist whose revelation that each outfit was less than 70 dollars made the audience coo.

The stylist was also having some kind of effect on Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Elisabeth appeared flustered and couldn't stop touching her hair. The bar-room psychiatrist in me couldn't help thinking she might want the older woman's hotel room number. The more it happened, the more uncomfortable and weird it became to observe.

Luckily, co-host Joy Beher cut in with a joke about the models and their coordinated outfits that went along the lines of "a family who dresses alike doesn't have to talk to each other."

The audience laughed. Elisabeth and the stylist laughed. I laughed. Good times.

For the next segment someone named Dr. Ian Smith, who had a technique for losing 9 pounds in 8 days, was announced. The audience squealed. Ian Smith, I ruminated. Why does that name sound so familiar?

Former Prime Minister of Rhodesia! (Still alive and kicking, btw.)

I didn't really expect that Ian Smith, but when a handsome young black man sauntered onto the stage I realized this was another Ian Smith I had prior knowledge of. In fact I had just read a gossip item alleging this Ian Smith was having a homosexual affair with New York Giant great Michael Strahan. The alleging was technically coming from Michael Strahan's soon-to-be-ex-wife during a contemptuous divorce proceeding, but they printed the allegations in a real, dead tree newspaper so there's got to be something to them...

The wife of a backup quarterback and the gay lover of an all-pro defensive end sharing the same stage? They should replay The View on the NFL Network!

Dr. Smith didn't have much to say. His diet sounded suspiciously like the Atkins diet and I thought we had stopped doing that when an autopsy discovered Dr. Atkins arteries were more clogged than the Lincoln Tunnel.

The highlight of the rest of the segment was a joke Joy Beher made about how much she likes to drink.

In the last segment Barbara Walters made her first appearance, sitting down round-table-style with her two remaining co-hosts. Maybe all the press about her feud with the departed Star Jones had got to her, because Barbara looked all serious and journalisty -- like she was really sitting down with Nixon and Kissinger. Walter's inquiring glare made Hasselbeck tap her fingers nervously, but Beher casually cracked more jokes about getting drunk. Leaving me to ponder if Beher just went where the laughs are or has a serious drinking problem.

That was it. The View is not targeted to my demographic and I will not be going out of my way to watch it in the future. Nevertheless, my twenty minutes with The View were highly entertaining and I recommend it to anyone who has the time and the urge to watch late-morning talk shows.

The best part for me?

No nauseating diving during lunch.