Week three picks

At Atlanta -5.5 Kansas City
Atlanta rated #1 city for singles, Kansas City now #1 city for obscure quarterbacks.

At Buffalo -9.5 Oakland
It’s been over a week since the initial report that Monte Kifffin had been fired, and Kiffen is still around. The 33-year old attributes his surprising continued tenure to avoiding Owner Al Davis. Which is not hard to do considering, technically, Al Davis is dead.

At Tennessee -5 Houston
The city may have been hit hard by Ike, but Houston can take comfort in avoiding the whole Vince Young situation

At NY Giants -13.5 Cincinnati
Will the financial crisis put on damper on luxury box sales in the three new major New York City area stadiums opening up in the next two years? Eh, probably not.

At Washington -3 Arizona
Jim Zorn is the first NFL head coach with a Z name for at least 25 years. Using Google, it took me about five seconds to find that out. Isn’t technology grand?

At New England -12.5 Miami
Cassell a couple wins away from being able to impregnate a reality TV star.

At Chicago -3 Tampa Bay
Brian Griese returns to Chicago, which raises the question of when was the last time the Bears had a quarterback that wasn’t tied to drunkenness?

At Minnesota -3.5 Carolina
Here is a picture of P Diddy stepping in poo just because.

At Seattle -9.5 St. Louis
The Seattle Seahawks are not too big to fail.

At San Francisco -4 Detroit
I now officially find people who take time out of their lives to protest Scientology more objectionable than actual Scientologists.

At Denver -5.5 New Orleans
Here's hoping Colorado's new swing state status will call more attention to Mike Shanahan's spectacular tan.

At Philadelphia -3.5 Pittsburgh
Tune in to see what Eagle player does something goofy around the goal line and costs hundred's of thousands of fantasy players their week.

At Baltimore -2 Cleveland
Given the current credit crisis and the continued lack of a gold standard, wouldn’t a credible third party Ron Paul candidacy be getting fun about now?

Dallas -3 At Green Bay 51
Given the talent surrounding both of the them, and Rogers's promising start, Romo vs. Rogers could quickly develop into the NFC's premier QB match up.

At San Diego -9 NY Jets 44
After blowing last week's game for the Chargers, Popeye-armed ref Ed Hochuli says he has been besieged with hate emails from San Diego. If there are two things that will never sound right in the same sentence it's "hate mail" and "San Diego."

The Pine Tar Incident turns 25

25 years ago Yankee manager and rascally rabble-rouser Billy Martin got the umpires to disallow a two-run, top-of-the ninth homer George Brett had hit to put the Royals up 5-4 because the pine-tar on his bat exceeded 18-inches and was in violation of baseball rules. (As one commentator stated, Brett became the first player in baseball history to hit a game losing home run.)

Called out, Brett then charged from of the dugout angrier than any man in the history of anger.


Upon protest by the Royals, the American League office reversed the umpire's decision, deciding "the spirit of the game" hadn't been violated. Three weeks later the ninth from the point of Brett's homer was replayed and the Royals won.

It was quite difficult to track the video of the incident down, but I finally found it in all of its glory.

Along the way I came across two funny dramatizations of the incident, one by a few guys in the snow and one by Johnny Bench. Both fitting tributes to one of the classic moments in baseball history.

Hoops McCann is a big fish in a small pond

They took a poll and basketball lost. According to Harris Interactive only 4 percent of US adults who follow at least one sport list pro basketball as their favorite. And what exactly did the NBA lose to? Well the NHL, which doesn't really have a national TV contract yet was able garner five percent of the vote. Usually this is when I'd make a joke about Canada, but I already did that earlier today in another post.

Although, if you assume 100 million Americans follow at least one sport, that still means there are 5 million pro basketball fanatics. None more so than JSB basketball correspondent Hoops McCann. Hoops makes the case that more people should be following The Association because season is starting to get really exciting -- especially out West -- in his latest dispatch.

Idle threat of the week

It always seemed to me New England Patroits' coach Bill Belichick's churlishness was borne from his desire to control everything around him. The coach as a control freak is nothing new but, unlike his colleagues, Belichick has made little effort to conceal his tendencies.

Belichick shows his true colors every week when he renders the league-required pre-game injury report useless by always listing star quarterback Tom Brady as questionable. Then, from the sidelines, Belichick thumbs his nose at the league's mandate that coaches wear team merchandise by attiring himself in the most ill-fitted officially-licenced hoodie he can find and then lopping off the sleeves, ending up with a parka-like creation unmistakably his own.

While coaches who were once jocks, or have Southern accents, have been playing dumb charmingly ever since the beginning of the press conference, Belichick, who comes from the same elite Northeastern intellectual background as most of the reporters who cover him, hardly masks his disdain for those whose pesky articles could potentially derail his perfect script when he stonewalls them.

Lest anyone suggest he might have a relationship with a fellow coach like Eric Mangini or Tony Dungy, Belichick's dismissive and disrespectful treatment of his colleagues makes sure the world knows he would never let such things as human emotions or professional respect get in the way of his quest to annihilate the rest of the league.

Belichick's lack of manners and refusal to toe league lines has always been secondary to his winning ways. As another great football coach once said, "winning is the only thing."

But when a defeated Belichick jogged off the field with one second remaining yesterday, triggering mass confusion, the Super Bowl didn't end. Football games are exactly sixty minutes long and, unlike a league dress code or a reporter's question, this parameter can't be ignored or manipulated.

The game finished with Belichick in the locker room. And his feeble attempt to control the moments in which his team's dash towards immortality ended abruptly is the Idle Threat of the Week for January 28th to February 3rd. While a sore winner is still, first and foremost, a winner, the line between the sore winner and the sore loser is as thin as next week's results.

New England 49 New York 10

Last night in Phoenix 50 Cent made Paris Hilton cry, and it had nothing to do with the mutual exchange of sexually transmitted disease. Apparently Paris wanted to get up on the stage and dance as Fiddy performed, but the multi-platinum recording artist humiliated the not-so heiress by yelling her off the stage, and that is when the water works began.

There is a big game in Phoenix Sunday and, unlike Paris, I suspect the surprising New York Giants are just happy to be in the desert. And even happier to be there without Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey, irritating black holes of attention they both would be.

The Patriots have to be happy too -- they are now one game away from making real history, and avoiding the dreaded footnote. But recent history shows that, for the Pats, that kind of pleasant relief lends itself to the kind of a focus that results in victory.

The Patriots haven't been blowing teams out like they did at the beginning of the season, and barely beat the Giants about a month ago. This sounds like a challenge. And, if you were the collective psyche of a football team, would you want to play Bill Belichick and Tom Brady a month after almost beating them, and when they've had a bye week to work with?

Also, the Patriots are a whole lot better than the Giants. When I was kid Super Bowls regularly had ridiculous final scores like 55-10 and 46-10 and 45-10. The Patriots of 2007 will turn back the clock on their way to history. They shake their habit of winning Super Bowls by a field goal in a big way: Patriots 49 Giants 10.

Update: This didn't happen.

We are counting on you, Plaxico

So far it's been a pretty boring Super Bowl week. But you can test your knowledge of Super Bowl week scandals past by completing this Super Bowl scandals quiz I did for Asylum.com.

Divisional title picks

Last week I went 3-1 and 3-1 against the spread. Bringing my overall playoff record to 7-1 and 6-2. So, with all due respect to Scientologists, it looks like they are not the "authority" on everything, as a certain excitable actor/religious leader likes to claim. Here are the picks:

New York and Green Bay (-7)
Did you hear the station manager from Green Bay's Fox affiliate has pulled Seinfeld from the Saturday line up because he doesn't want to give "comfort to the enemy" and Giants' QB Eli Manning lists Seinfeld as his favorite show? Sure it's probably just a marketing gimmick, or a way to prove to the world that Green Bay does have television, but there still seems to be something profoundly wrongheaded about this tactic. Throughout his career, Eli has distinguished himself with his seeming indifference to his own poor play. And, over the past couple months, he's proved that his blase' demeanor doesn't change much when things are going his way. So it's unlikely being denied watching a Seinfeld episode he has already seen ten times will have much of an effect on the reluctant football player. But just because Packer nation doesn't get the Giants' enigmatic QB, it doesn't mean the Packers' defensive line won't be able get to Eli on what is forecast to be rock-hard frozen tundra. The press will not be denied their Favre love-in (I'd talk about this more, but on the tenth year anniversary of the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal it seems in poor taste) and the Pack skate 28-13.


San Diego at New England (-13.5)
It was I who suggested San Diego would be better off if Phillip Rivers pulled a Jason Campbell and got hurt. Little did I know the unexploited competency of back-up Billy Volek was such that it could offset the loss of Hall of Famer Ladainian Tomlinson on the way to a come-from-behind victory over the defending Super Bowl champions. LT will be back Sunday, and Rivers may not, but before you start upgrading the Chargers consider how eerily humble and respectful the Patriots have been this week. That's eye of the hurricane stuff. Speaking of weather systems, it is going to be very cold in Foxboro Sunday, and the Chargers' SoCalness stretches far beyond mere geography. The Pats storm 56-14.

Divisional playoff picks

Great week for the NFL, with all sorts of interesting teams and the Seattle Seahawks matching up against each other in the divisional playoffs. Last week I went 4-0 overall, and 3-1 against that pesky spread. Here are the picks:

Seattle at Green Bay (-7.5)
With it snowing in Baghdad, one can only imagine what the weather is going to be like Green Bay. Actually, I have no idea but -- did you hear -- Seattle kicker Josh Brown will be wearing heated warm up pants to keep his leg loose! I'm little baffled as to why this is even noteworthy. Why wouldn't a kicker do such a thing? Yet the Internet told me about it ten times this week. Speaking of kickers, the Packers is named Mason Crosby. That's the perfect name for the handsome industrialist villain on a soap opera. The evil industrialist would wear an eye patch and the Packers will prevail 31-17.

Jacksonville at New England (-13)
On this one, everyone is like "I'm picking the Jags because nobody is going to hold it against me if New England wins." I can't stand that logic. First of all, if people started holding bad football picks against each other the social order would disintegrate pretty quickly. Secondly, if you picked Jacksonville, and the Patriots prevail, I'm going to hold it against you because this is the lock of the week. The Patriots only vulnerability is susceptibility to passes up the middle, and the Jaguars are perhaps the best run and screen team in football. Obviously Jags' coach Jack Del Rio has access to video tape, and will likely try to incorporate more down field passing. So what you have here is one of the best teams of all-time playing at home against a pretty good team playing away from their strength. New England gallops 45-10.

San Diego at Indianapolis (-9)
Somewhat obscured by Hillary's tears, San Diego Coach Norv Turner welled up after San Diego's victory last week. Granted, recent history suggests a playoff win was something neither Turner nor the Chargers would ever see, but crying because you beat the Titans in the Wild Card? How is Turner going to express his happiness if his team upsets the Colts? Will he punch himself in the face? Ritual cutting? What if they win the Super Bowl? I sure wouldn't want to be standing next to him. Let's not even worry about that, because the Colts nick the Chargers 31-28.

New York at Dallas (-7.5)
I had thought the controversy about Tony Romo's bye-week south-of-the-border jaunt with Jessica Simpson was much ado about nothing until today, when I spotted pictures of Jessica's little sister Ashley and her somewhat famous rocker-type boyfriend hanging out in Costa Rica. Suddenly it dawned on me. This has Joe Simpson written all over it. The creepy stage dad must have weaseled his way into some sort of package deal for early January Central American vacations, and then told his daughter/clients that they could go as long as they brought a date who would increase the numbers of photographers following them down there. It's part of his perverted plot for his daughters to completely dominate all adolescence boy wall space. Meaning Tony Romo is merely part of a planned progression that previously included silicon breasts, collagen lip injections and lad mag spreads. Meaning Romo, the man who holds the most prestigious position in all of American sports, has been reduced to a photo-op stop on a journey which will end in hardcore pornography. Shame on Tony Romo. And Jason Witten too. Giants win 24-23.

Wild card picks

While I don't feel like relaying the results of carnage that were my picks last week, suffice to say I did not finish the week -- and thus the season -- over .500. But, for the year, I was still able to out-pick famous Internet journalist Bill Simmons, who offers up an elaborate excuse for his season of handicapping woe here. I offer no such explanation, other than I choked when the pressure was on.

Speaking of Simmons, about a month ago he had a pretty well-circulated column discussing how, after a pretty sweet upper-echelon, quality NFL quarterbacks are few and far between. Which is something I had also noticed after a regular season of watching football.

A large part of this paucity of QB talent has to do with teams being under increased pressure to play early -- and stick with -- high draft choice quarterbacks. The reason for this is, right off the bat, QBs receive (increasingly) higher salaries and more hype than other positional players. Making it difficult to justify sitting Mr. Second-Pick-Overall-Bonus-Baby on the bench.

Not that having a mediocre quarterback has been a fatal flaw this season. In fact we have four teams playing this week -- Washington, New York, Tennessee and San Diego -- who were able to advance to the playoffs despite starting the season with a young high-draft-pick QB who has not and did not perform up to his "potential." Each of these teams would have been better off with about half the backups in the NFL, a few of the starters in the CFL, or even the odd strong-armed grocery-bagger at the helm.

Perhaps the most fortunate of these teams has been the Redskins, who lost starting QB Jason Campbell in week 14, only to see Todd Collins -- who hadn't started a NFL game in 10 years -- lead the 'Skins to the four straight wins required for a playoff birth and a winning season. The Titans also got a lucky break last week when franchise QB Vince Young pulled up lame with his team trailing Indianapolis in a game the Titans needed to make the playoffs. Ancient backup Kerry Collins came in and led the Tennessee to three straight scoring drives and the victory.

So if you are a fan of the Chargers or Giants, there is no shame in that surge of adrenaline you get whenever Philip Rivers or Eli Manning gets up slowly after a hit. Here are the picks:

Washington at Seattle (-3)
The most emotional game of the week, as the Skins put it on the line for Sean Taylor, and the Hawks rally around the memory of Shaun Alexander. Many football insiders have pegged the Seahawks as this year's most "enigmatic" team. This goes double for me, as I have yet to see them play. But they are at home, and it will probably be raining or something. Seahawks win and cover 24-20

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (+3)
It's not like there aren't any good young quarterbacks out there, and this game features two of the best. Save last season's motorcycle-wreck induced lost year, Ben Roethlisberger comes close to matching Manning and Brady for both statistical productivity and post-season success. While Jags' signal caller David Garrard has come out of nowhere to post a 18-to-3 TD-to-INT ratio, and has led his team to a surprising 11 wins. As for the game, Pittsburgh has been playing unmitigatingly bad football lately, and Jacksonville has been on a roll. The trend holds and the Jags win and cover 28-23.

Tennessee at San Diego (-9.5)
The good news for the Chargers is this year they are without the baggage of Marty Schottenheimer's past playoff failures. The bad news is Norv Turner's baggage knows no time of the season. If the Chargers lose, Ladainian Tomlinson probably ends up either retiring so he can tour Europe with Barry Sanders, or shooting up an In-N-Out Burger. Luckily the Titans just aren't very good, and the Bolts romp and cover 38-13.

New York at Tampa Bay (-3)
Eli aside, the Giants have a very, very good offense. Their running game hasn't missed a beat without shinny happy person Tiki Barber, Plaxico Burress may be the third best receiver in the NFL when he decides to try, and mammoth rookie tight end Kevin Boss seems to combine the injured Jeremy Shockey's uncanny ability to get open with the more rudimentary TE skill of actually being able to catch a football. As for the Bucs, I have no idea how they won nine games this year and don't have enough time on a late Friday afternoon to try and figure this out. Giants breeze and cover 27-10.

Week 17 picks

9-7 last week, 121-121-16 for the year. Since I don't actually wager money, and my only goal here is to beat Vegas and finish over .500, week 17 is for all the marbles. This is an especially difficult week to handicap because only four teams are playing for anything. Meaning nobody has the slightest clue what players will be playing and for how long. I'm that clueless every week, so it should work to my advantage.

NEW ENGLAND at Giants (+14) After the game Bill Belichick will celebrate his team's undefeated season by eating scrambled California Condor eggs out of a bowl made from the skull of a Pygmy tribesmen. Tom Brady will be off with some model, but wishing he was instead eating condor eggs out of the skull of a Pygmy tribesmen.

Buffalo at PHILADELPHIA (-7.5) Big game for McNabb, for if the Eagles finish 8-8 in a season full of injuries and fluky what-could-have-been loses, it will make it very difficult for them to jettison their long-time, oft-injury, but only 31-years old quarterback.

SAN FRANSISCO at Cleveland (-10.5) It's too bad they shot that tiger because the 49ers could have really used her. If nothing else to block kicks, but does anybody really think the tiger would be that worse a QB than Alex Smith?

DETROIT at Green Bay (-4) Since I don't mind tooting my own horn, I have to point out that early in the season I envisioned a scenario in which Brett Favre and John McCain each stage improbable comebacks. With the playoffs and the primaries starting next week, I think it's safe to say both stubborn over-the-hill press-favorites have put themselves in the right position to shock the world.

Carolina at TAMPA BAY (+3) Did you know the Panthers are the first team in NFL history to win with four different starting QB's? Even more impressive considering they only have six wins overall.

CINCINNATI at Miami (+2.5) Credible-seeming reports suggest that Bill Parcells is considering Charlie Weis for the Dolphins' head coaching job. That is if that "Brownie" guy isn't available.

JACKSONVILLE at Houston (-7) With ten sacks in his last six games, it would have been a good year for the much-maligned Mario Williams no matter what. But Reggie Bush and Vince Young's struggles have made it even sweeter for Williams and the Texan's front office.

SEATTLE at Atlanta (-1) It's nice to see the Falcons didn't let the Michael Vick distraction ruin their season.

NEW ORLEANS at Chicago (+2) The Bears and Saints go from conference title participants to punchless also-rans in the span of a year. Life in the unsettled NFC.

DALLAS at Washington (-9) This game will be determined by how much the Cowboys want to knock their bitter rivals out of the playoffs. I'm thinking with Terry Glenn's return and a bye week coming up, Dallas will have a bit of fight in them.

PITTSBURGH at Baltimore (+4) I guess, to be the most disappointing team of the year, you have had to have been considered good at one point. So Brian Billick's ego still has that going for it.

MINNESOTA at Denver (+3) I keep getting this feeling John Edwards and his booby trapped campaign is going to pull an Iowa upset.

SAN DIEGO at Oakland (+8) With Mischa Barton getting popped for DUI yesterday, I think 2007 has been the year NFL players ceded their "most legally challenged bold facers" crown to the waifish celebutantes.

St. Louis at ARIZONA (-6) Expect some sort of Leinart/Warner QB controversy fun in '08.

Kansas City at JETS (-6) All things considered, the worst game of the season.

Tennessee at INDIANAPOLIS (+6.5) Since Indy will be resting most of their offensive starters I do think Tennessee will prevail and grab the AFC's last playoff spot. But since the Titans struggle to even score 7 points on the road, I can't in good conscious pick them to cover.

Week 16 picks

Last week I went 8-8. Which still leaves me in the hole at 113-115-16. I have a very bad feeling about the picks below. I should point out that I've been pretty accurate in predicting which weeks I am going to bomb. So I do have that going for me.

PITTSBURGH at St. Louis (+7.5) Funny how after all this talk of Barack Obama being the "rock star" of the '08 campaign it is Rudy who is briefly hospitalized for highly suspicious "flu-like symptoms."

Dallas at CAROLINA (+10.5) Now that T.O. has weighed in on the Jessica Simpson curse it reminds us all that it has been more than ten years since the last time a popular young female singer has wrecked a promising Dallas sports franchise.

Cleveland at CINCINNATI (+3) The best part of any battle for Ohio is everyone is a loser.

GREEN BAY at Chicago (+8.5) "Sexy Rexy" Grossman may be on his way out of The Windy City, but the Cubs have already stepped in to fill Chicago's need for salacious innuendo in headline writing by signing Japanese import Kosuke Fukudome.

Houston at INDIANAPOLIS (-7) Indy continues to bore under the radar.

Kansas City at DETROIT (-4.5) Don't look now but the Chiefs have lost seven in a row. (Extra emphasis on the don't look now.)

Giants at BUFFALO (+3) Yesterday it was announced the release of Lynn Spears's book on parenting has been quashed in light of her only two daughters both being reckless whores. Shouldn't the "Eli Manning is Unstoppable" Citizens Watch ad campaign meet the same fate in light of Eli being perhaps the most "stoppable" paid quarterback alive today.

OAKLAND at Jacksonville (-14) Is there anybody out there the Raiders wouldn't start at QB before giving number one overall pick JaMarcus Russell a chance?

PHILADELPHIA at New Orleans (-3) I read somewhere that Brian Westbrook's selfless sacrifice of six points so the Eagles could run the clock out against the Cowboys caused at least 25 million dollars in Fantasy Football cash to change hands.

Atlanta at ARIZONA (-10) After his flirtation with the Falcons, Parcells chose instead to work for the historically hapless Dolphins. Which raises the possibility that Michael Vick doesn't think his relocation from Atlanta to prison is much of a downgrade.

TAMPA BAY at San Francisco (+6) It didn't quite crack yesterday's top ten songs of the year list, but Okkervil River's Plus Ones had my favorite lyrics of 2007.

Miami at NEW ENGLAND (-22) The Dolphins win last week probably prevented this one from moving into all-time largest spread territory.

Baltimore at SEATTLE (-11) Still off the board, and will be until the Ravens announce who will start at QB this week.

JETS at Tennessee (-10) It's only fair to point out that suspended Titan DB Pacman Jones hasn't gotten arrested in at least three months.

Washington at MINNESOTA (-6.5) Jason Campbell might be Washington's QB of the future, but the 'Skins look a lot better with ancient Todd Collins at the helm. Which is odd, because all Collins does is throw incomplete passes.

Denver at SAN DIEGO (-9) The AFC West might be the most disappointing division in the NFL this year, but the Chargers were able to capitalize and take the divisional title in week 15!

Week 15 picks

I went 7-9 last week. Dumping me to 105-107-16 overall. I'm not sure if I've been under .500 since I started making picks on this blog. In response to my numerically assigned lack of worthiness, I will include, in my latest effort, even less actual football analysis than usual.

Denver at HOUSTON (-1.5) Downing a shot every time Bryant Gumbel misidentifies a player (or a whole entire team) might sound like a good idea for a new Thursday night drinking game, but it will quickly lead to a national pandemic of cirrhosis.

CINCINNATI at San Fransisco (+8.5) So I'm watching the George Mitchell press conference. He just spent a half an hour explaining what I could explain in two and half minutes. It is now clear the man brokered peace in Northern Ireland by boring both sides to death.

Arizona at NEW ORLEANS (-3.5) I'm not sure if Reggie Bush has been a good enough pro to qualify for the Ewing Theory, but the Saints do look a whole lot better without him.

Atlanta at TAMPA BAY (-13) Horrible team? Check. Terrible humidity? Check. Lingering question of what happens when an imprisoned franchise player returns? Check. Does anyone really blame Petrino for dumping the Falcons?

BALTIMORE at Miami (+3) Not only will the Dolphin franchise likely lose their only-undefeated-team-ever status this year, but the 'fins' 2007 version should go down as the only winless non-expansion team in over 60 years.

BUFFALO at Cleveland (-5.5) So Roger Clemens had to get someone else to inject him with his steroids, Jose Canseco style. Maybe if he wasn't such pansy he wouldn't have just got himself into this mess. (Speaking of Canseco , how annoyingly vindicated is he today?)

GREEN BAY at St. Louis (+9) I could be wrong, but so far I can not find Brady Anderson's name anywhere in Mitchell's findings. This calls into question the whole thing.

Jacksonville at PITTSBURGH (-3.5) Lenny Dykstra's is there though. Which is reassuring.

JETS at New England (-24) Football videotape scandals. CIA videotape scandals. The camcorder was invented for sex videotape scandals.

SEATTLE at Carolina (+8) I've always said, if humanity lasts long enough, eventually some school custodian is going to be singing Guns n Roses's "Welcome to The Jungle," not realizing his voice is being broadcast over the school's intercom. And then some teacher is going to hear the custodian singing part of the song that goes "you're in the jungle baby, you're going die," causing her to freak out, barricade herself in her classroom, and call the police on what she perceives is a threat on her life. Anyway, that just happened in Connecticut, so I guess I was right.

Tennessee at KANSAS CITY (+4) The perils of not playing fantasy football: I had no idea Larry Johnson got injured and hasn't played in five weeks.

INDIANAPOLIS at Oakland (+10.5) Barry Bonds, soon to be announced DH for the 2008 Oakland Athletics, is having a very, very good day today.

DETROIT at San Diego (-10) Now the other players are going out of their way to pick on poor, scrawny Shawn Merriman. At least Miguel Tejeda knows what he is going to be soon up against.

PHILADELPHIA at Dallas (-11) If the completely insane grandstander Alan Keyes is allowed to just show up at the Iowa debate even though he isn't thought to be running for president, does that mean the completely insane grandstander Keyshawn Johnson is allowed to just show up on the field Sunday even though he isn't thought to be playing anymore?

Washington at GIANTS (-4) Todd Collins is to Tom Collins as Jeff Daniels is to Jack Daniels.

CHICAGO at Minnesota (-10) Vikings' QB Tarvaris Jackson threw a touchdown pass last week, and exciting Chicago return man Devin Hester almost makes up for the Bears' historic lack of offense!

Death and fantasy sports

I woke up groggy yesterday, after a long night of revelry. As is my wont, I immediately turned on my computer to check out what had gone down in the world of sports, and was immediately drawn to a link which included the words Pacers' Tinsley and shooting.

My heart jumped and my senses perked, for Indiana Pacer point guard Jamaal Tinsley, who has a history of nightclub altercations and being present when former-teammate Stephen Jackson shoots up strip club parking lots Wild West style, is on my fantasy basketball team. In fact, it has been Tinsley's unexpectedly strong play this season which has kept my team afloat in the assists and steals categories. Especially since my other point guard, Kirk Hinrich, has been unexpectedly awful.

Meaning if Tinsley was either the perpetrator or victim of the shooting it could be a devastating blow to my fantasy team. Luckily the 3:30 AM bullets missed Tinsley, and the seven-year veteran resisted the urge to fire back (although his brother may have) and tempt a league suspension. It also led to this unusual but reassuring update on the service I use to track the injury status of all my fantasy players:

This all got me thinking about the death of Sean Taylor. While no doubt it was a terrible tragedy for those who knew Taylor, I have to admit it left me pretty cold and skeptical when I saw images of girls, who probably don't even know that much about football, crying with Taylor's number of 21 painted on their faces. And reading the heart-felt anonymous eulogies to Taylor on various message boards made me, more often than not, cringe.

Taylor was a pretty good football player with a lot of potential, but he had only played for a few years on a mediocre Redskin team, and was just as known for blowing his coverage assignments and for his off-field transgressions than he was for his talent. He was also famously private, and spent his offseasons (and apparently his off-nights) in Miami -- not Washington DC. In other words, beyond the shock and novelty of professional athlete being murdered, very few people who didn't know the man could have possibly had that much more invested in Taylor as they had in the hundreds of other young people gunned down on the very same day of Taylor's murder.

Certain people, it seems, just like to identify with, wallow in and -- I would say -- perversely celebrate death. And all the better for the pity party when the focus is on a highly tangential, but high profile, relation like the football player whose name you know from the paper, or the World Trade Center victim your friend's brother went to college with.

This is all to say the only people who should be that upset when a guarded B-plus professional athlete is murdered are his friends, family, teammates and those who have him on their fantasy sports team.* Because I would have been pretty sad if Tinsley had been killed early Sunday morning. Actually, the feeling would be more accurately described as "pissed off because now I have to figure out how to salvage my once promising fantasy basketball season and maybe Tinsley shouldn't have been staying out so late with such a rough crowd again."

But anger is a part of the grieving process. And self-centerdness is always front and center -- if annoyingly unsaid -- whenever people mourn those they don't know.

*I know, defensive players generally aren't important to Fantasy Football -- if they are even included at all. But I would hate to let that get in the way of my point.

Week twelve picks

While the return of the sixteen game schedule makes doing this more difficult from a writing standpoint, it seems to have re-sharpened my prognostication. As I finally broke out of my slump, going 9-5-2 for the week. 73-71-16 for the year. Happy Thanksgiving.

GREEN BAY at Detroit (+4) Detroit not being terrible makes it a little harder for football fans to time Thanksgiving dinner.

JETS at Dallas (-14.5) If it makes any difference, Jets' center Nick Mangold also flashed his breasts at a "Gate D Party."

INDIANAPOLIS at Atlanta (+12) Who would have thought: Michael Vick now in prison while Marcus Vick freely roams the streets.

Minnesota at GIANTS (-7) Adrian Peterson's injury replacement Chester Taylor popping off for 164 yards and three touchdowns does pour a bit of perspective on the rookies' accomplishments.

Washington at TAMPA BAY (-3) After looking really good against the Eagles and Cowboys -- two teams whose pass defenses are probably a lot worse than you think -- rapidly improving Redskin QB Jason Campbell gets a truer test against Tampa.

BUFFALO at Jacksonville (-7.5) No shame in losing to New England by 46.

NEW ORLEANS at Carolina (+3) Reggie Bush is finally spicing up his general ineffectiveness with a little bit of fumbling.

HOUSTON at Cleveland (-3.5) Was it just me, or were the other Browns not excited enough for kicker Phil Dawson when the refs switched his game losing miss to a game tying kick. I have never seen anything like it before, and the poor guy didn't even get a hug.

SEATTLE at St. Louis (+3) There aren't a whole lot of Thanksgiving songs out there. In fact The Thanksgiving Song by Adam Sandler -- who has a proud history of writing songs for holidays with song deficiencies -- is the only one I can think of.

Oakland at KANSAS CITY (-6) In May of 1901 the only two automobiles in Kansas City crashed into each other near the intersection of 11th and Grand. For whatever reason, 106 years later, I just can't stop laughing about this.

Tennessee at CINCINNATI (+1.5) On Monday night, I watched Vince Young closely for the first time this year and, until a couple late fourth quarter desperation INTs, he was surprisingly good. But his mechanics . . . yikes. What he does with the football isn't quite throwing. It's more like pushing. Maybe he can push a football further and harder than anyone else. But throwing the thing seems to have been very helpful to every single other QB who has lined up behind center. Young should give it a shot.

San Fransisco at ARIZONA (-10) I don't know if you noticed but, for the first time this year, I watched a bunch of football games last week.

BALTIMORE at San Diego (-10) Steroids may have lost the recruiting power of Barry Bonds and his monstrous home runs, but, focusing on retention, the performance enhancing drug still has Shawn Merriman -- he who once terrorized QB's, stopped using in the wake of a NFL suspension, and then achieves Youtube infamy by getting leveled by tiny little Maurice Jones Drew.

DENVER at Chicago (-2) It makes a lot of sense for Ricky Williams to end up in Denver. And not only because it is the Mile High City.

Philadelphia at NEW ENGLAND (-22) Andy Reid can totally (well, partially) redeem himself for his lost season of coaching by benching all of his starters this week so they will rested for the games that they actually have a chance of winning

MIAMI at Pittsburgh (-16.5) Coming off of a loss to the one-win Jets, can the Steelers rebound against the no-win Dolphins? Tune in Monday night to find out!

Hoops is an early adopter to Louis Williams

In his latest dispatch, JSB basketball correspondent Hoops McCann discusses Philadelphia 76er backup guard Louis Williams. Williams is not famous and you've never heard of him. Which is basically what they used to say about text messaging. I watched Williams play for the first time tonight and, wouldn't you know, he scored a quick, albeit garbage time, 25 points. And this isn't the first time this year Williams has had that type of offensive explosion. So Hoops could on to something. Or not. Click here to be the first (and maybe last) in your social circle to have read anything about Louis Williams.

Week eleven picks

There are a lot of football prognosticators out there on the Internet, but this is the home to the only one who last week predicted Adrian Peterson would suffer a knee ligament injury. Taking pleasure in the first chapter of what should be a long story of heartbreak for the NFL's most promising running back since Barry Sanders is really all you can do when you go 4-9-1 for the week. I dip to 64-66-14 for the season. Which is below average. Unfortunately, so are these picks:

Kansas City at INDIANAPOLIS (-14.5) What I took away from the Colts' unique loss to San Diego last week is that there is something visually absurd about a violent sport contested between a team in all white and a team in powder blue and white.

Arizona at CINCINNATI (-3.5) It's unfair to only report the bad news and then ignore the story when the news get better. Which is why I'm more than happy to pass along that the Bengals haven't had a player arrested all season.

TAMPA BAY at Atlanta (+3) The crippling drought in the strip club mecca of Atlanta can be partially attributed to pro athletes post-Pacman reluctance to make it rain.

Carolina at GREEN BAY (-10) I'd never thought there would come a day when Brett Favre was back to being only slightly overrated.

GIANTS at Detroit (+3) If Jesus isn't riding with the Lions anymore -- and no only son of God would allow his team to be defeated by the reeling Cardinals -- with what NFL team does He travel?

Miami at PHILADELPHIA (-10) Ricky Williams back in the NFL. Admits Donovan McNabb and Andy Reid's emotional post-game embrace made him weep.

Cleveland at BALTIMORE (+3) For the first time in the history of the former Modell Bowl, the old (new) Cleveland Browns are better than the team that used to play in Cleveland

NEW ORLEANS at Houston (even) These days Houston is full of Saints' fan; crime.

OAKLAND at Minnesota (-5) Don't worry Viking supporters, it's not like Peterson has a history of knee injuries.

SAN DIEGO at Jacksonville (-3) Though I've never been there before, I've always thought of Jacksonville as a poor man's San Diego.

Pittsburgh at JETS (+10) The Jets are like Joe Biden in that they keep competing even though they have no chance of winning and are always good for a laugh or two.

ST LOUIS at San Fransisco (+3) They might still be last in the NFC West, but the new CDC annual report on sexual transmitted diseases has St. Louis leading the entire nation in chlamydia and gonorrhea.

Chicago at SEATTLE (-6) With hard partying Rex Grossman back at the helm, expect Chicago to challenge St. Louis for at least chlamydia.

WASHINGTON at Dallas (-11) Think of it this way: Legendary coach Joe Gibbs's woeful in-game performance has finally pushed Dan Synder's controversial ownership of the Redskins into the background.

NEW ENGLAND at Buffalo (+16) Will the Patriots or the Celtics (or the Sawks) lose first? Will New England's collective head keep from exploding long enough to find out?

Tennessee at DENVER (+2) Watch exciting young quarterbacks Jay Cutler and Vince Young try not to get in the way of their offenses in this battle of AFC playoff wannabes!

Week ten picks

In week nine I was a disastrous 4-10, bringing my overall record to 60-57-13. Listen, I would like to be able to say that last week was a fluke and I'll right the ship this week. But that would be a lie, because I suspect things will get even worse before they get better -- if they ever get better. Here are the picks anyway:

Atlanta at CAROLINA (-3) Through the miracle of hair restoration surgery, 44 year old Panther QB Vinny Testerverde looks younger today than he did when Penn State exposed him as a color-blind fraud in the 1986 Fiesta Bowl.

MINNESOTA at Green Bay (-6) Rookie sensation Adrian Peterson has been described as an "upright runner." I can already hear the ACL snap.

St. Louis at NEW ORLEANS (-12) With New England idle, the surging Saints will have to pick up the slack on the running up the score front.

PHILADELPHIA at Washington (-3) I have to pick the Eagles. When asked to explain, I'm going follow the lead of Andy Reid and genially offer up a "no comment."

Denver at KANSAS CITY (-3) Did you know Denver receives more annual hours of sunshine than San Diego or Miami Beach? That probably explains Bronco coach Mike Shanahan's deep mahogany permatan. That and he obviously isn't spending any time in the film room scouting the other teams.

JACKSONVILLE at Tennessee (-4) Vince Young has a higher completion percentage than he does a QB rating. I'm neither a mathematician nor a physicist, but I'm pretty sure if this keeps up we are going to have a black hole situation on our hands.

BUFFALO at Miami (+3) This game will be watched primarily by those with lower body injuries who have lost their remote control.

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH (-10) Cleveland proves that with an easy enough schedule you too could be a 5-3 NFL team. (Yeah, I'm going to keep using that one until reality catches up.)

Cincinnati at BALTIMORE (-4) After Pittsburgh shredded Baltimore's vaunted defense in front of a national television audience, Ray Lewis was perfectly composed in the post-game interview. To me that makes him the ideal guy to bring along when you are off to viciously murder someone.

Chicago at OAKLAND (+4) In this clip, Mad Money madman Jim Cramer calls New York State DA Andrew Cuomo a communist. You have to wade through about three minutes of histrionics before getting to the charge, but I think it is worth it. These days it's always fascist this or Nazi that and I'm sick of it. Some old school red baiting might just be what we need to shake our national malaise.

DETROIT at Arizona (+1) There is probably a joke somewhere about the Lions success and how it might encourage other struggling teams to only draft wide receivers, but this isn't the week I'm going to make it.

Dallas at GIANTS (+2.5) So far Tony Romo is doing a good job of balancing his play on Sunday with his Britney Spears/Sophia Bush/Carrie Underwood/Carmen Electra encountering ways during the rest of the week. But one day Romo will have to make a choice. The way I see it, with Brady and Manning and the resurgence of Roethlisberger and Brees, the NFL has plenty of quality QBs. But does America have enough quality escorts for our tabloid princesses? I think not, when I consider that I'm always reading about Federline and the Fez dude from That 70's Show and various semi-retarded Southern European shipping scions. Basically the tabloids need Romo more than the NFL does, and if he is a good citizen that's the direction he'll go.

INDIANAPOLIS at San Diego (+4) This would have been a much better game if San Diego didn't decide to stink this year.

San Francisco at SEATTLE (-10) The 49ers will try to recapture their late twentieth century glory when they face off against a team that once played in the Super Bowl!

Week eight picks

Due to a series of terrible flukes, I want 4-7-2 for the week, downing my record to 48-43-12 for the year. My comeback begins here:

PHILADELPHIA at Minnesota (+1) Between the Eagles' epic flop against the punch less Bears, and Philadelphia finishing last among the 25 major cities in a survey of citizen attractiveness, it wasn't the best of weeks for the City of Brotherly love. But don't worry, it's Kevin Ollie, Reggie Evans and your 2007-2008 76ers to the rescue!

PITTSBURGH at Cincinnati (+4) If this is it for Chad Johnson in Cincinnati, you really have to commend him for being there so long and never getting arrested.

INDIANAPOLIS at Carolina (+7) Inevitably the "why isn't anyone paying attention to us" storyline starts to get all of the attention.

DETROIT at Chicago (-5) With God concentrating so hard on getting the Rockies out of their 0-2 hole, you wonder if He has anytime left for Kitna and the Lions.

BUFFALO at Jets (-3) In the latest polling, joke candidate Stephen Colbert garners 13 percent of the vote when added to a Giuliani/Clinton match up. To put this in perspective Ross Perot, who was every bit the parody Colbert is, received 19 percent of the actual votes cast in the 1992 election.

Cleveland at ST. LOUIS (+3) Speaking of Giuliani, earlier this week he got a presidential endorsement in form of an undorsement when court documents showed that during his time as a hard charging Federal Prosecutor the five New York City mob bosses discussed offing him. Then, in today's New York Post, two of the most notorious drug dealers in NYC history enthusiastically threw in with Giuliani -- who dealt with them during their prosecutions -- citing his good principles and honesty. Now, some would see this
as more of undorsement, but the two drug dealers are about to be portrayed in the upcoming Denzel Washington/Russel Crowe true crime story "American Gangster." And if it's a hit . . . I'm thinking endorsement.

OAKLAND at Tennessee (-7.5) Although that still wouldn't carry the juice of the elusive Tony Montana endorsement.

GIANTS vs. Miami (-10) Sending the defective Dolphins to England won't make up for the defective Beckham we were tricked into taking.

Jacksonville at TAMPA BAY (-4) I got nothing, see.

Houston at San Diego Providing the flames don't swallow San Diego whole, I'll update this pick when they figure out where this game is going to be played and set a line.

Washington at NEW ENGLAND (-16.5) The once proud Joe Gibbs has been reduced to declaring his 4-2 (although quite untalented) Redskins "the biggest underdogs in the history of sports." Talented or not, technically they are only the biggest underdog since the Patriots game against the Dolphins last week.

NEW ORLEANS at San Fransisco (+3) My favorite song of the week is Silly Crimes from The Tough Alliance, yet another band from Sweden.

Green Bay at DENVER (-3) If global warming is real, one day the Super Bowl will be held in places like Green Bay and Denver.

Week six picks

Last week I got a little carried away about my greatness as a prognosticator. I was punished accordingly: 5-8-1 for the week. 35-33-8 for the year.

CINCINNATI at Kansas City (+3) Al Gore has now won a Noble Price, an Academy Award and an Emmy. The only thing left for him to do is to take the crown on Dancing with the Stars.

PHILADELPHIA at Jets (+3.5) Anyone who saw Philly's debacle two weeks ago at the Meadowlands would be surprised to see them giving up points on their return trip. Says the man who is picking Philly.

Tennessee at TAMPA BAY (-3) The lack of hurricanes in Florida this storm season leaves most non-Floridians frustrated and disappointed.

St. Louis at BALTIMORE (-10) Now I love TMZ.com and all, but if you go there right now you will learn that Orlando Bloom crashed his car last night. No one was hurt seriously in the accident, and police have ruled out drugs or alcohol. Yet there has so far been at least five posts today, all under banners such as "EXCLUSIVE" and "BREAKING NEWS." Remember, this is Orlando Bloom we are talking about here.

Washington at GREEN BAY (-3) This week the United States House of Representatives passed a resolution honoring Brett Favre for his accomplishments on and off the field. Five million dollar man Ron Paul protested, saying the constitution does not allow for awards to strong armed quarterbacks with poor decision making skills. I'm not kidding, I think he really did.

Houston at JACKSONVILLE (-7) Did I mention I was bummed out about the whole Florida not getting hit with a hurricane thing? The storm season does still have a month to go, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Minnesota at CHICAGO (-6) Sorry Midwesterners, this game is as boring as your slow-paced, agricultural product fed, "friendly" style of life.

Miami at CLEVELAND (-5) With Ted Kennedy just having surgery on a blocked artery, ample Browns' head coach Romeo Crennel moves up another spot on the list of people about to need surgery on a blocked artery. Charlie Weis is on deck, if you are wondering.

Carolina at ARIZONA (-4.5) Jesus's continuing love of Kurt Warner, always at the expense of Matt Leinart, might just make a believer of me yet.

NEW ENGLAND at Dallas (+6) Wouldn't it have been awesome if Terrell Owens had figured out a way to drop Nick Folk's game winning 53 yarder too?

Oakland at SAN DIEGO (+9.5) If congressional aides are now required to get their hepatitis shots before going to NASCAR events, I wonder what kind of bleach they are forced to scrub themselves with after taking in a game at the Oakland Coliseum.

NEW ORLEANS at Seattle (-7) Down in New Orleans, paper bags are making a comeback.

GIANTS at Atlanta (+3.5) Once the Giants see Atlanta's sad QB platoon of Joey Harrington and Byron Leftwich, they will finally realize the benefit of having a quarterback who is afraid of dogs.

Week five picks

Last week I went 9-5, bringing my record to a respectable 30-25-7. So you should probably print these out or commit them to memory.

Miami at HOUSTON (-5.5) Worse humiliation: Losing a football game to the Dolphins, or losing a custody hearing to Kevin Federline?

Jacksonville at KANSAS CITY (+2) Kansas City has had the best home record in the league since 2005 despite not being a particularly good team. Or having a particularly consistent roster. Or playing in a dome. Or playing in a stadium with bad turf or tricky winds. Or having intimidating fans. Or playing in a city that is known for its exhausting nightlife. Or having distracting home jerseys . . .

DETROIT at Washington (-3.5) 1-3 Philly's 56-21 pounding of 3-1 Detroit is certainly the anomaly of the year.

CLEVELAND at New England (-17) As shocking as this may seem, I think Randy Moss's stellar performance so far for the Patriots suggests he wasn't giving it his all when he was in Oakland.

CAROLINA at New Orleans (-3.5) Without Deuce McAllister to do the heavy lifting, poor little Reggie Bush is about to be exposed.

Jets at GIANTS (-3.5) In this battle of New York, the Mets will figure out a way to lose.

SEATTLE at Pittsburgh (+5.5) With Hines Ward still injured, the Steelers will have to hope the officials come through for them -- like they did the last time they played the Seahawks.

ARIZONA at St. Louis (+3.5) Six hours after the Cardinals' biggest victory since coming to Arizona, Matt Leinart drinks too much white wine and admits to a national columnist that he is dissatisfied with having to share QB duties with Kurt Warner, and is out of sync with coach Ken Whisenhunt. The next day Leinart claims he doesn't really remember the conversation. Without making any of the homoerotic analogies the kids seem to like so much these days, let's just say there are going to be a lot more reporters waiting for their chance to buy Leinart a glass of Sauvignon Blanc.

ATLANTA at Tennessee (-8.5) Don't have much to say about the game, but I'm sure everyone's heart is warmed now that Vick's dogs have been deemed suitable for adoption.

Tampa Bay at INDIANAPOLIS (-10) When your nickname is Cadillac and you "break," the headline writers are going to have their fun.

BALTIMORE at San Francisco (+3.5) Last week, when 49er QB Alex Smith separated his throwing shoulder, he "completely tore both ligaments that connect his shoulder blade to his collarbone." Yet somehow Smith thinks he will be ready to play next week. If he is correct, I will have to reconsider everything I thought I know about things such as "ligament" and "shoulder" and "throwing".

San Diego at DENVER (+1.5) Can Marty Schottenheimer now be declared 2006's coach of the year, in some sort of retroactive, posthumous, vindictive and taunting readjustment?

Chicago at GREEN BAY (-3) Brian Griese is Rex Grossman without the excitement. Which is about as useful as a roller coaster without the excitement.

Dallas at BUFFALO (+10) I'm guessing Wade Phillips still knows all the best places to get wings in Buffalo.