Paris is like rubber, Kramer is like glue

Amongst the impressive cache of Paris Hilton's personal effects, which were auctioned to the public after she oddly stopped paying the fees on the storage facility where they were housed, was a video of the hotel heiress at a nightclub singing along to the classic party anthem, "We Are Family."

Even though Paris was with her sister when the video was shot, she chose not to ape the song's lyrical embrace of sisterhood, instead changing the words to rather cruelly disparage what she perceives are the habits of black people, or "niggers" as she calls them.

Paris continued her performance by saying less-overt things about homosexuals and Jews which the more sensitive soul might also find offensive.

The tape, shot in the green night-vision light of famous Paris Hilton videos past, made the rounds last week before being pulled from the Interweb via judicial injunction.

There have been a few peeps from civil rights groups -- and maybe there is more to come -- but basically no one seems to care.

Fair enough, that's probably the correct reaction.

Try telling that to Michael Richards. The video of his now-famous racist meltdown -- which was arguably more benign than Paris's -- was posted on all the same venues a couple months ago. But instead of getting a pass he was immediately forced to repent and embark on a tour of apology.

Michael Richards is no more famous than Paris Hilton. I would argue he is considerably less well-known than the current Newsweek cover girl.

There is really no fair explanation as to why some "offensive" comments capture the nation (or the press) and others just slide by.

Case in point is John Rocker. Back in 2000, Rocker was already embroiled in a feud with the New York tabloids when the Atlanta Braves' closer made, to a Sports Illustrated reporter, some not-very nice comments about those who ride the number 7 train in New York City .

Nothing Rocker said would have been out of place in a comedy club -- if a comedian had been told they must do a joke about the 7 train you'd be hard pressed to find one of any race or background who wouldn't have echoed Rocker's opinions, or in an honest discussion between friends.

Yet he got the Michael Richard's treatment, was suspended from baseball, ordered to sensitivity training, became a national whipping boy for a couple pre-Internet weeks and took a particularly harsh beating from the civil rights community in Atlanta. (Ironically, these days Rocker sports a black girlfriend)

Rocker didn't help the situation by coming off as a jerk and blowhard.

Nevertheless, when the dust settled cooler heads pointed out that Rocker was probably being punished for the less-than-"tolerant" thoughts we all have somewhere inside us and feel the burden of suppressing, from time to time, when we aren't in close company.

Which was also probably the crux of Richards' tourettes-like sin. (It also may have something to with the more complicated Mel Gibson traffic stop.)

And, the way I see it, Paris skates because her existence is so bizarre and unique -- even for a celebrity -- that it's basically impossible for us to relate to her.

In the aftermath of the Rocker and Richards incidents there was the requisite talk of "lessons learned" and "greater understanding."

It is doubtful these type of media events ever lead to more (or less) understanding.

But on the outside chance they could in the future, the next time someone is called out for racism and the condemnation begins building exponentially, the first question we should all ask is why this particular person is being singled out so enthusiastically.

And, when we can be honest about the reasons, we may even be able to take a tiny step towards that ever-illusive goal of true racial understanding.

Pauly Shore weasels his way into a little publicity

When I first heard about Michael Richards' racist tirade I was pulling hard for it being an attention grabbing prank. This wasn't because I couldn't stand the thought of "Kramer" being a racist, but because any publicity stunt that takes advantage of a new technology and our outrageous outrage culture deserves the utmost praise.

While it appears Richards' comedy club performance was merely the rantings of semi-madman, it still achieved the desired effect of a well-timed publicity stunt: Sales of Seinfeld DVD's reached record heights and Richards, whose career had flat-lined years ago, became more of a household name than he was even during the apex of his Seinfeld glory.

This lesson wasn't lost on Pauly Shore -- and, let's face it, you can't squeeze a fairly entertaining career out of a talentless core when you let the lessons pass you by.

Here is Shore hurling "classist" epithets at a heckling crowd in Odessa, Texas last weekend and getting punched out for it (NSFW, language.)



It took about a day of increased "Pauly Shore" searches and clicks on "Pauly Shore" related material for the whole thing to be exposed as a well-orchestrated hoax. So big ups to Pauly for getting his name out there and remember, kids, just because you saw it on Youtube it doesn't mean that it is real.

Michael Richards and Judith Regan: Not Jews

Michael Richards has been a popular topic of conversation over in message board world. A good chunk of the discussion has been focused on Richard's Jewish background. Unfortunately for any semblance of cyber-accuracy, Michael Richards is not Jewish. Not even a little bit. (Neither was Cosmo Kramer.)

This probably explains why Richards didn't "learn" anything from the Mel Gibson incident. It also absolves the Jewish people of having a devilish double-standard on the important issue of offensive celebrity language. For now at least. Of course there are many Jewish celebrities, and one could go on a racist rant at any moment and send all the Jews back to the hypocrisy doghouse.

Although controversial book publisher Judith Regan wouldn't be the one. Not because she doesn't have an offensive tirade in her, but because, like Richards, she is not Jewish. This would come as surprise to anyone who has been reading posts about Regan and her involvement in the OJ Simpson book controversy on the message boards.

While I understand why Richards is assumed to be Jewish -- every other major figure involved with Seinfeld is -- Regan is a common Irish-American last name. I guess it's possible to be both Irish and Jewish. That mix would describe Leopold Bloom, although he is a fictional character.

Is Regan maternally Jewish? Nope. A quick Wikipedia check reveals Regan gets her slightly Mediterranean looks from a Sicilian mom. Where she gets her scruple-less love of money remains an open question.

It blows me away that so many different commentators would make such strong anti-Semitic comments without even bothering to confirm their target is really Jewish. Wikepedia is set up for easy religious and ethnic ID. When one is already on the Internet, how hard can checking this valuable resource tool be?

There is all sorts of fascinating stuff on Wikipedia. I just learned Judith Regan has been described as the world's highest functioning deranged person.

That's an impressive accomplishment. And, despite what you may hear, one the Jews can not claim.

Snap judgement: The K-Man's apology

Michael Richards, the actor who played Kramer on the legendary sitcom Seinfeld, got himself in hot water over the weekend for an out-of-control, tourette-like racial tirade (NSFW) against two black audience members who had been heckling him during a comedy club appearance.

This triggered our latest national obsession: The apology demand. Whether it stems from a verbal attack on a different ethnic group or a slur against the intelligence of our troops, nothing unites the nation (or the nation's press and chattering class) more than forcing a boldface name to confess his verbal sins and throw himself at the mercy of a judging public.

While I must confess I don't really care if Richards apologizes or not, I was very interested in how he would go about apologizing. As an actor, Richards is known for making strange choices with his characters. Would the same hold true for his apologies?

The answer is yes -- and delightfully so. Others may disagree, but I've already elevated Richard's performance last night on Letterman to the gold standard of celebrity apologies, for the following reasons:

Timing: News of the weekend tirade broke at about 9 AM on Monday. By late afternoon Richards was taping his apology on Letterman. It helped that his close friend and career-enabler Jerry Seinfeld had already been scheduled as Monday's Late Show guest. That's just luck. But no one ever said luck doesn't play a role in a great apology.

Appearance: Because the show Seinfeld remains king of the syndicated re-runs, Michael Richards is still fresh to television audiences. The Richards of ten-plus years ago, that is. Richards has lost hair and weight in the interim. His surprisingly gaunt, balding appearance on Letterman backed up how stressed out and devastated he claimed to be.

Anachronistic racial terminology: During his apology Richards repeatedly refers to blacks as "Afro-Americans." While far short of a racial slur, "Afro-American" is not the kind of language anyone who has consulted a publicist or speechwriter would use. This gave the apology an air of heartfelt sincerity.

Rambling crazy talk: Part of Richard's explanation for how the incident happened is that when he gets on stage he can get out-of-control. So why not throw in a little crazy talk during the apology to drive that point home? I knew what Richards was getting at when he invoked comics helping Katrina victims. But the way he said it didn't make a whole lot of sense.

Volume control: In a move more five-year old than professional actor, Richards speaks louder and louder the more bothered he gets. This effectively infantilizes Richards and makes him seem less responsible for his actions.

A little help from your friends: Michael Richards is not that famous. Jerry Seinfeld is. To have Seinfeld frame the apology, admit he was sick about what Richards said, and tell the world that he still "loved" Richards was highly beneficial. Bonus points for Jerry almost choking up.

Before Seinfeld, Richards was best known for his work with the mysterious prankster Andy Kaufman. While I still think there is a chance this whole thing was a staged event befitting Kaufman's spirit of provocation, last night Richards effectively convinced me he was sorry for something.