Mel and Britney?

* OK, so I really blew it by not coming up with "Mitney" as a Spears/Gibson portmanteau. Duh -- it's staring right out from the title of the post. I guess I think of "Mitney" as the hip nickname for Mitt Romney that wasn't.

Alec Baldwin continues to be not nice

I haven't had a whole lot to say about the Alec Baldwin daughter-trashing incident because I've been trying to give Alec the benefit of the doubt. Reason being he's developed into a such a top-notch scene-stealing actor and, quite frankly, I live in fear of the collective powers of the Baldwin brood. Anyway, if you only listen to the first 30 seconds of Alec's two-and-a-half minute ass-straightening, swine-equating tirade it's not that bad.

But Alec lost me with today's (taped) apology. So he goes to Dr. Phil to work out his rage and daughter-hatred issues? I don't even think this Phil is a real doctor. In fact, if memory serves, he was some sort of cow wrangler until Oprah found him and unleashed him upon the world.

Sometimes, during a basketball game, a streaking jump shooter will pull up for a ridiculously long shot. They call that a heat check. Well Dr. Phil was Oprah's heat check. And after he found the target, the daytime talk queen strutted around the court safe in her knowledge the housewives of America have an insatiable appetite for any trash she decides to throw up.

But enough about Phil, the real problem here is Alec. By eschewing proper rehab he is clearly trying to conduct his public rehabilitation on the cheap. What's that about? It's almost like he is saying he doesn't love his daughter as much as Mel Gibson loves not hating Jews, or Mark Foley loves not buggering pages, or Lindsay and Britney love being quasi-respectable celebrities with all their naughty parts covered.

Actually, that is exactly what he is saying. Jerk.

Note: The picture above is not from a cinematic release. It's the inevitable result of an officer of the law's misguided attempt to tell a Baldwin what's what.

Leave the drunks alone

Ex-congressmen Mark Foley is the latest public figure to give alcoholics a bad and undeserved name. While he didn't explicitly blame his dirty IM-ing on his "disease," he did check himself into alcohol rehab right after resigning his position.

He is following the lead of fellow disgraced representative Bob Ney who brazenly linked alcoholism to Indian swindling.

Of course Mel Gibson started it all -- although I have to admit Gibson's paranoid expression of ethnic resentment was at least in-line with the behavior of some of the alcoholics I've known.

Still, I can't help thinking these headline-grabbers are just using "rehab" as a way to avoid the accountability spotlight without being accused of going into hiding.

Fair enough. I'd want to run and hide too. But what effect is this going to have on real alcoholics? A couple months ago I'd be reluctant to lend an alcoholic my car, but I would have been fine with letting a 16 year old relative intern at their place of business, and wouldn't have thought twice before introducing an alcoholic to my good friend Chief Spinning Wheel.

Now? Not so much.

Alcoholics already have enough problems with the falling down and the pissing themselves. Do they also need to be associated with all of society's ills?

I say no. But it's really up to the alcoholics to govern their own ranks. I do fear the inclusiveness that is preached to the twelve-steppers in recovery leaves them ill-equipped to do so, and this alcoholism thing is going to become the go-to out for all public misbehavior.

The world according to Stephen Baldwin

It's tough being Stephen Baldwin. Brother Alec has the talent and the psychotic rage, brother Billy has the mysterious aura and the smarmy good looks, and brother Danial brings a long rap sheet and a sweet tooth to the table. So what does that leave for Stephen -- besides the Pauly Shore-collaborations and the adult skateboarding habit?

Well, it looks like America's perpetual little brother, who turned 40 this year, has finally found his calling.

Stephen's latest project is promoting his own intoxicating blend of extreme sports and Jesus Christ through a skateboarding tour and a new book. He recently gave a colorful interview to Radar Magazine on being born Baldwin, born again and praying for Tom Cruise.

I have summarized the highlights:

* Stephen can't identify any of the seven deadly sins. Not only that, he gets wobbly on "sloth's" status as a proper word. Luckily he carries a dictionary to aid him in these potentially awkward situations.

* Admits to beating his children for not knowing their Ten Commandants yet he, himself, can only get to six.

* Unprompted, he compares being born again favorably to an "eight-ball of blow." Longs for a way to combine them.

* Would like to give Tom Cruise a "spicy roll of Jesus."

* Alec is not so good to speak to about politics -- but quite apt in discussing fart.

* Finds Howard Dean "frightening." (All right, that's not so weird.)

* Mel Gibson and Bono will be going to Heaven. Pauly Shore and Bill Clinton will be going to Hell. Alec goes to Heaven, but only because he can beat Stephen up.

So there you have it: Somebody has finally provided a good explanation as to why Alec Baldwin is such a hard-charging, bloviating ball of madness -- the man is actually trying to intimidate his way through the Pearly Gates.

Not sure if that works, but it does make everything clearer.

Animated Mel Gibson, just as crazy as the real one

In light of his recent meltdown, this is too funny not to post. It's four and a half minutes long, but worth it. A hearty "good job" to the South Park guys for pegging Gibson as insane before he proved it to the rest of us.

I can only hope the real Mel Gibson doesn't react to his upcomming ostracism with the same histrionics as the animated Mel Gibson reacted to criticism of "The Passion" with.

What am I talking about . . ? That would be hilarious.

Idle threat of the week

Oscar winning actor/director Mel Gibson has ended pop sensation Justin Timberlake's three week lock on the idle threat of the week.

Gibson made headlines over the weekend for bizarre behavior following his arrest on suspicion of drunk driving early Friday morning in Malibu, CA.

Somewhat lost in the haze of statements such as "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," was a barrage of idle threats Gibson directed towards a Los Angeles County sheriff that included, but weren't limited to, disturbing sexual scenarios.

Taken alone, the threats weren't particular noteworthy. Officers of the law deal with this type of langauge whenever they arrest someone who has been mixing drunk with crazy.

But Gibson's combination of idle threats and out-of-context anti-Semitism was striking in its similarity to the rhetoric that emanates from the Government of Iran. So much so that our judges, experts in recognizing verbal patterns in idle threats, have concluded there is a high probability Gibson is in cahoots with the Islamic Republic.

Why Gibson would want to cast his lot with Tehran is beyond me, but it is obvious why the Iranian government would want to work with Gibson. Not only can he act as their West Coast spokesperson, but his impeccable post-apocalyptic credentials would be of great benefit to Iran when the world ends after the coming of the Hidden Imam.

Now we are left to ponder if Mad Mel was acting alone in Malibu, or if was he under instruction from Teheran to create a diversion so they could get on with their nuclear program.