Drudge saves England, basks in his own glory

About a year ago England was in a twist over whether or not Prince Harry would be able to accompany the soldiers in his regiment to Iraq. The prince badly wanted to see combat, but some higher ups in the British military believed having such a high profile target was more trouble than it was worth.

Well, it turns out they reached a compromise and there is a good reason there hasn't been any pictures of Harry stumbling out if the pub lately: Harry was secret deployed to Afghanistan in December.

Internet trouble maker Matt Drudge broke the story earlier this afternoon -- after teasing it all morning in a matter in which suggested that England had entered into a secret war against a surprise opponent.

Still Drudge's revelation has caused quite a stir. One might think the English would be angry Drudge has compromised the safety of their brave, beloved Prince by violating a media embargo that seems like it would never work but almost did.

Actually no. At least according to this quote Drudge culled from the other side of the Atlantic and has now proudly attached to the top of his website:


It may be a bit hard to read without clicking on, but to paraphrase: Matt Drudge may have just saved the British Empire.

People like to get high

When I was in high school I moved to another country. Quickly, I was reassured that my new mates alcohol consumption habits were very similar to my own. That was until one dark night, down in someone's parent's basement, when the revelers began snorting vodka through their noses.

Ostensibly this technique will get you drunk faster -- although it's not like it takes very long for a few traditional shots of vodka to kick in. The downside to snorting vodka is the sharp, almost unimaginable pain it shoots through the sinus cavity and to the back of the eyeballs. The pain does subside, but the eyes continue to water, and you are left with the distinct impression that some of the damage you just did to your brain will be permanent.

Since I thankfully never came across the practice again, I always thought vodka snorting was the unique and misguided domain of a small subset of young people in a far off land. Then a few weeks ago I read an article on how Prince Harry likes to snort vodka, and it is becoming quite the trend. In this day and age, with so many great ways to get high, why anyone would ever snort vodka is beyond me.

If snorting vodka is pointless and painful, what can be said about the huffing of fermented human fecal matter?

It's called jenkem, and it apparently produces strong hallucinations. Jenkem was discovered about ten years ago by Zambian street kids too good for sniffing glue.

Evidence that jenkem has crossed over to those with homes is highly anecdotal, although we do have this recent first person account from a Seattle paper. The author confirms the poop drug's hallucinogenic quality. He also adds "one of the downsides of jenkem is that you constantly have that taste of sewage in your breathing for several days after the fact."

Suddenly snorting vodka doesn't seem so bad.

Prince Harry royally screwed

Since I first reported, three weeks ago, on the official anxiety over Prince Harry's impending service in Iraq, the British Military has switched their position on whether to allow Harry -- third in the line of succession -- to fight at least four times.

With the big deployment less than a week away, top brass finally came to a concrete decision: Harry is too high profile a target and will not be exposed to combat.

I had speculated earlier that Harry would deal with his battlefield ban by falling back on his other passion of all night merrymaking.

But no. Harry has been informed one of his princely duties will now be staying out of the clubs when the other soldiers in his regiment are fighting in Iraq. This is to prevent the embarrassing scenario of Harry being photographed stumbling out of nightclub on the same day one of his army mates is injured or killed.

I'm always reluctant to use the phrase "have one's cake and eat it too." It never quite makes sense, and it sort of implies that our ancestors wanted to spend their days looking at cake. Which means we all descended from weirdos.

But, right now, I do wish there was a phrase that means the opposite of "having one's cake and eating it too." Because that is exactly what just happened to Prince Harry.

* Late word is the military is contemplating a "secret role" for Harry. Well, if that role happens to involve raids on foreign discos, and all night spent drinking in them to blend in and disguise his true intentions, Harry really would be having his cake and eating it too.

The Bush twins serve the country in their own way

You will often hear or read the argument that President Bush should send his daughters to fight in Iraq. At first this logic worried me because I took it to mean a good chunk of our population believed war to be a hilarious mash up of Legally Blond and In The Army Now.

Since I didn't know any better I thought, well, maybe it is. Then I began to fear for the safety of our nation. Luckily I talked to some actual soldiers (and by talk, I mean I read an article or something) and they assured me they take things quite seriously over there.

And even if the twins had the physical attributes, mental discipline and dedication needed to make credible soldiers, sending the children of the president into a battle zone is a shaky proposition at best, with the presidential offspring becoming target number one of the enemy, unfairly endangering everyone around them.

That's basically the conclusion senior officials in the British military appear to be headed for concerning the military career of Prince Harry, who is third in the line of succession to the crown.

Harry has been pining to fight in a war his whole life and excelled in his military training. The prince was given command of a troop of eleven men and was expected to be deployed to Iraq until a last minute review, which may recommend putting an end to Harry's combat dreams by banning him from the front line.

Without the chance of action, Harry will likely quit the army and be forced into his back up plan of being a high-profile drunk. A role Jenna and Barbara happily filled without all the behind-the-scene consternations and talk of "letting the terrorists win" the Prince Harry dilemma has triggered over in England.