Death Watch: Fidel ruined it for everyone

As any Death Watcher knows Fidel Castro has for some time been the most important figure in the death watching community. This isn’t necessarily because he is the most important person in the world who is hanging on to life by a string, but rather because the actual act of his death will mean so much to so many people, and will trigger such a bevy of reflection and analysis . Thus, all glory to the Death Watcher who predicts or is the first to report Castro's real-life no-foolin' death.

By resigning his post as Cuban President yesterday, Castro has done irrevocable damage to what would have been the momentous and stark occasion of his final day. Sure when Castro dies there will still be dancing on the streets of Miami, and the Bay of Pigs experts will finally get to make their color TV debuts. But it just won't be the same now that Castro has dulled his exit from the scene he has so long been a defiant part of by making his departure incremental.

Of course this Death Watcher will continue to track the breathing status of Cuba's ex-president. But now with no more intensity than I put into my study of figures such as Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears.

Death Watch: Fidel Castro -- dead again

If it turns out pink-haired gossip monger, ruthless photo shopper, (and Cuban American) Perez Hilton has really broken the news of Fidel Castro's actual clinical death, this death watcher will be forced to quit the death watching game forever and focus on something less complex, perhaps bird watching.

Death Watch: Castro hopes for death by Bush

Like most Death Watchers, I've been a little down lately. Nobody famous has been dying, or looking near death, and when a borderline well-known person croaks it has always been at an awkward time like a weekend or when I am eating lunch. (Murder suicides and professionals wrestlers? That's just gross.)

But I think much of our collective malaise stems from the aftermath of Anna Nicole Smith's passing. During those three glorious and confusing weeks of court rulings autopsies and embalming, our expertise in the death game was coveted like never before. Suddenly society valued our work like they would that of a psychic or one of those pop culture pundits who give witty commentary on VH1's celebreality programming.

When you've been so high it's difficult to come back down, and that's what we've all been dealing with. On the bright side, we still have Castro.

It's been 11 months since the Cuban President has been seen in public but, judging from his prodigious letter writing output, he still has many of his faculties. In his latest missive he turns the death watch cross hairs onto himself and speculates that he has so far survived at least "650" assassination attempts.

Most notably he accuses the current President Bush of being responsible for more than a few of these efforts. Castro even implies (but gives no evidence) that Bush was planning hits on him even before he reached the White House.

That claim in itself isn't so far-fetched. As we all know, killing people has been a consistent hallmark of Bush's entire career in public service, not just during his time as President. But, by the same token, Bush has never been one to be shy or sneaky about his plans to end a life. It's safe to say if Bush wants you dead he has already told the world of his intent, or has actually killed you, or has failed in his attempt to kill you, but significantly lowered the property values in your neighborhood.

Since Castro bears none of the markings of Bush's lethal interest, the chances are Bush has not ordered any hits on Castro. Which must be a bitter pill for the longtime dictator to swallow. Especially considering that, in Castro's heyday, he was getting legitimate assassination heat from American Presidents far more reticent about killing.

Getting old is tough. A death watcher knows this better than anyone. Getting old is even tougher when you are a firebrand agitator of one of the few communist countries left in the world but, in your diminished capacity, you can't get the most trigger-happy US President in recent history to make you a martyr.

Death Watch Update: Sometimes words kill

Hugo Chavez -- who is fond of talking -- claims Fidel Castro is getting stronger every day and is even beginning to resume some of his el presidente duties.

This comes as a surprise to death watchers everywhere, who were all but certain Castro had bought a one-way ticket to state-controlled nothingness. Of course the first three rules of death watching are verify, verify and verify, so until we actually see Castro in public we're going to take Chavez as seriously as we take anyone who wears battle fatigues but isn't really in the military or ten years old.

People often write me wondering how, as death watcher, I can keep such a cool detachment from the breathing status of people -- people with husbands and wives and kids and parents and friends and pets.

It's not always easy. Just last night when New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine's mangled body was thrust into the death watch cross hairs, death watchers -- to a man -- were sick about it. It's never fun, doing what we do, when someone with many more productive years, and a young family that loves him, is facing his ultimate demise.

Luckily it looks like Corzine is going to pull through. So let me take off my death watcher's cloak for a moment, get on my soapbox, and make a general societal criticism:

I'm so sick of this instant gratification culture we live in. Shame on you, Lady Scarlet Knights, you had to get your apology from Imus right away. Shame on you Imus, you had to get your forgiveness from the team right away.

Do you know what right away means? A dutiful governor, speeding down the Garden State Parkway, on his way to a shameless photo opportunity, and bam broken vertebra, cracked ribs, metal rods, ventilators, lungs full of blood and a cloudy future.

Anyway, if Corzine had died wouldn't it have been great if the New Jersey state legislature was able to appoint articulate and dignified Rutgers basketball coach Vivian Stringer replacement governor?

For the healing.

Death Watch Update: Odds and ends

With Jack Nicholson well enough to attend the Golden Globes and flash his maniacal smile every time he was referred to as "the man," this death watcher has concluded the rumors of Jack's demise may have been exaggerated.

On the other hand, Fidel Castro's situation is getting murkier and, potentially, more grave.

The latest chatter is that Castro's Cuban doctors made the wrong choices during his intestinal surgery last year and he is dying a slow death as a result.

While the propaganda aspect of this theory -- it would be a delicious irony if Castro died painfully under the botched care of his nation's vaunted free health care system -- should raise a red flag with any seasoned death watcher, it does appear that Castro recently called in top doctors from Spain.

The CIA, which employs some of the finest death watchers on the planet, just shrunk Castro's life expectancy from "this year" to the "next couple months."

Al Davis, another long-time dictator of a rebel nation, is also in the Death Watch cross hairs. Last year, amidst rumors he was well on his way to seeing the great Raider in the sky, Davis hired Art Shell as the Oakland's head coach.

Shell's most prominent attribute is his ability and propensity to stand perfectly still for three straight hours -- making all those around him look like vital schoolchildren.

With Shell out after a year, the Raiders are in the process of hiring a new coach. When the announcement is made, I'll be checking for said coach's buoyancy. It will speak volumes on Al Davis' closely guarded health.

Death watch update

Word that Fidel Castro might be at the end of his state-owned rope couldn't have come soon enough for this death watcher. Previously, I had only Barbaro on my death watch radar. I found this highly unsatisfying because Barbaro is a horse.

Fidel Castro, on the other hand, has ruled Cuba for forty-seven years and is a bona fide historical figure.

He is revered by some and reviled by others. My own feelings on Castro have softened over the years.

I'm not denying he made some poor ideological choices or isn't every bit the thief and murderer those rather rabid folks who live in South Florida claim him to be.

It's just Castro harkens back to a time where the enemies of America didn't do things like fly airplanes into buildings and hate us for our freedom. Sure, Fidel would get grumpy and throw retarded people at us, but at least we got the movie Scarface out of that.

Let's face it, an old man in a uniform is cute. (Which was why the otherwise profane Tommy Lasorda was such an effective pitch-man.)

And when that same older, uniform wearing man starts taking spectacular tumbles in front of large audiences he enters into the rare territory where cute and funny have converged -- like a puppy chasing its tail or a Sarah Silverman.

In fact, on the sad day I am forced to remove Fidel from my death watch list, an attractive comedienne is how I would like to remember him.

Barbaro will be remembered for being a horse.

Castro toppled!!!

Check it out. Bet you can't just watch once. The French are suddenly so useful.
Update: I keep watching and keep laughing.