Snap Judgement: When Larry met Paris

Forgive me for thinking an interview involving Larry King -- a senile old man who last night confused Ringo, the funny Beatle, with George, the dead Beatle, -- and Paris Hilton, who is
Paris Hilton, might be somewhat entertaining or at least highly lampoonable.

Boy was I wrong. On both counts. And anyone who disagrees should probably be kept away from too much growing grass or drying paint.

OK, the part when King referred to the notes Paris kept in prison as "extraordinary" (they weren't) was kind of funny.

Under the microscope of an hour long interview it turns out that Paris is neither particularly dumb nor remotely interesting. Despite a limited vocabulary she's actually fairly articulate, but in an unexciting media savvy sort of way. King, who must have agreed not to ask her about her famous sex tape, couldn't even get Paris to admit to taking more than the occasional drink, let alone reveal details of the party lifestyle that fuels the world's fascination with the heiress.

King's best half-hearted efforts didn't compel Paris to dish on other celebrities, or cry, or acknowledge a devastating Adderall addiction King was oddly obsessed with, or talk of saving the world, or even seem all that regretful for a crime that, I guess, nobody should feel all that sorry for committing. King did skillfully get Paris to concede prison can be scary at first, and that she has been "changed" by her experience.

The biggest loser in this much ballyhooed snooze fest was Anderson Cooper. Since Cooper's show follows King's, he was tasked with leading a panel discussion wrap up of what may have been the most boring interview in the history of (semi) intelligent lifeforms. I can't say I stuck around to see what Cooper was able to do with it. If you did, God help you.

How to get to first class by holding your breath

Ah, the travel upgrade. We've all heard stories of how persistence, good dress, a connection on the inside, sheer cleverness or all of the above nets a knowing road-warrior something they neither paid for nor deserved.

But what is the best way -- short of capturing William Shatner and taking advantage of the mind control he inexplicably has over lowly hospitality industry employees -- to get bumped up on airplanes and at hotels?

Straight from today's not-quite headlines here are two very different, equally effective techniques:

1. Be better. This year the Salukis of Southern Illinois learned when you go to the NCAA Tournament as a four seed your accommodations include doormen and mints on the pillow, in stark contrast to when you are invited as an 11 seed -- as they have been in their past trips -- and are greeted with moldy bathrooms and infestation.

The NCAA freely admits to providing more expensive hotels to the higher seeded teams. This should come as no surprise -- in all settings the rich, famous and successful get more for free than the poor, anonymous and lower seeded could buy if they wanted to.

2. Be deader. Last week after an elderly woman died on a British Airways flight between Delhi and London she and her grieving family got the mythical in-flight upgrade to first class. Which came as a shock to businessmen Paul Tinder, who awoke from a quick nap to find a ghastly corpse strapped to the spacious seat next to his.

British Airways has apologized to Tinder. Which begs the question: When will CNN apologize to the 21 years of Larry King Live guests the network subjected to exactly the same treatment as Tinder received?