Halle Berry used to be Jewish

As part of a prearranged bit during Friday's taping of the Tonight Show With Jay Leno, Halle Berry showed Jay and the audience pictures from a computer program which distorts images like a fun house mirror would. While introducing a picture of herself with a larger nose, Berry ad-libbed and explained "here's where I look like my Jewish cousin." The Tonight Show helpfully edited out the "Jewish" part, so it took a couple days for what she really said to get out into the public sphere.

Berry seems genuinely upset and apologetic for her gaffe, which she totally blames on being tricked by her Jewish friends' self-deprecating senses of humor. Although I doubt the incident will have any effect on her. Just because the gossip rags and the Internet are required to mention and follow up on such things concerning violations of the PC-code, it doesn't mean anyone is going to care.

I do find it odd that Berry would think to pin her digitally distorted nose on a hypothetical Semitic relative, when, staying closer to home, the image probably looked like her very own nose once did.

Let's celebrate Rosh Hashanah

Today is Rosh Hashanah, or the Jewish new year. According to this handy chart Rosh Hashanah is the day when God begins deciding the humans' fate for the coming year. When I was growing up there were enough Jews in my school district that we would get Rosh Hashanah off, but not so many that I didn't feel like my gentile classmates should each thank me personally when the final bell rang the day before our mid-week September break.

But other than that I have no connection to Rosh Hashanah. At least for Yom Kippur I know that you are technically supposed to fast, and then there is the whole Hanukkah/Christmas thing, and, in my family, we actually do celebrate Passover -- although the success of our Seders is based solely on how quickly we can move through the religious obligations and get to the eating of normal food.

So, given this, I've always thought Rosh Hashanah was a good day to engage in the time-honored Jewish tradition of reflecting upon all the famous people you discovered were Jewish during the past year. But both Jews and anti-Semites agree that the Internet, and in particularly Wikipedia, has taken all the fun out of figuring out who is Jewish. (For example, here are all the famous Jews in America, listed by profession. It took me all of two seconds to find it.)

Still occasionally one slips by, and I'm a genuinely surprised to learn that a certain person is Jewish. This year it happened with the Milwaukee Brewers' slugging third baseman Ryan Braun. As a fantasy baseball participant I knew that Braun, the sure fire National League Rookie of the Year, has been putting up statistics second to only Alex Rodriguez in rotisserie effectiveness.

What I didn't know, until a couple weeks ago, was Braun, who is often likened to A-Rod talent-wise, is also Jewish.

And none of this half-Jewish stuff so many famous Jews -- especially the ones who pop up in the high profile entertainment fields -- are doing these days. In fact, just like everyone's favorite Jewess Natalie Portman, the only thing Braun mixes with his American Jewish blood is his Israeli Jewish blood.

Coincidentally Braun was the last name of number one famous baseball Jew Sandy Koufax before Koufax's mother remarried, and Ryan Braun's grandparents lived for 40 years in a home once owned by by number two famous baseball Jew Hank Greenberg.

So it looks like part of my fate in coming year will be adding Ryan Braun to the list -- already quite confusing and contradictory due to differing fantasy and reality loyalties -- of baseball players I will be pulling for in 5768.

The Israeli mob deals in large arms and stereotypes

It usually doesn't make the first page of the ever ready checklist of ethnic accomplishment, but the Jews have proven to be as effective organized criminals as any other distinguishable group. Think about it this way: The legacy of Jewish-American gangsterism is a gilded palace of legalized sin called Las Vegas, while the non-fictionalized Italian-American mafia is now represented by the frosted tips and fake tans of Growing Up Gotti.

So it shouldn't be that much of a surprise that Israel has a vibrant criminal underworld. And, given the general militarism of Israeli society, an unusually well-armed one at that.

Mob activity in the Holy Land has been on the rise lately, according to this report. Which even goes so far as to claim that "when an explosion goes off on a busy Israeli street these days, it seems as likely to be a mob hit as a Palestinian attack."

So what is the source of this escalating violence . . ? A turf war over empties. Yes, the recyclable drink receptacles that can be returned for a few cents. Apparently Israeli mobsters require restaurants and nightclubs to pay for their protection with completely untraceable glass bottles and aluminum cans.

There is nothing unusual about the mob offering protection or picking up the trash -- these activities are staples of organized crime the world over. But there is something in the tedium of collecting and returning empties that play into certain age-old stereotypes.

So yes, if you tossed a penny in front of an Israeli gangster it stands to reason he would take the bait and bend over to pick it up. Although it isn't always wise to tease a man with an anti-tank missile launcher.

Jew likes money, says newspaper

Apparently the helpful capitalist's last name was Jew. This Dickensian turn is all a bit too convenient for me -- why don't I ever see headlines like "Welsh backs out of deal" -- but it does make the whole article a much more entertaining read than if his last name was Smith.

Judith Regan: Fired and still not Jewish

Last month I was forced to dissect Judith Regan's thoroughly un-Jewish background to defend my people against the constant barrage of false accusations that the controversial and sometimes loathsome publisher is a member of the tribe.

Well, Regan's back in the news again. This time getting herself fired by Rupert Murdoch* for promoting OJ Simpson, conspiring to debase the legacy of Mickey Mantle, being generally out-of-control and making "comments that were deemed to be anti-Semitic."

Despite this, message board commentators -- who sort of just won Time's Man of the Year -- were back to attributing Regan's evil nature to her falsely perceived Jewishness.

Of course Jews can and do make what would be deemed anti-Semitic statements. In fact, being a clever and achievement-oriented people the Jews make some of the best anti-Semitic comments you'll ever hear. But Regan isn't Jewish. For further proof, here is what a tipster told Gawker of Regan's anti-Semitic behavior:

She was constantly muttering about 'Jew agents' in the office and once claimed to staffers that, as a joke, she went through her old apartment building on the Upper West Side, took all the torah scrolls out of the mezzuzahs at the doors and replaced them with torn-up dollar bills."

Muttering about Jew agents is one thing. I'm sure if I was ever fortunate enough to be involved in a big-money deal with lots of Jewish players, I'd do the same. But you know you are a hopeless anti-Semite when you have become so blinded by your delusions about a Jewish-controlled media that you are able to convince yourself a Jewish person would tear up money.

* Unlike Regan, Murdoch's Jewish background is debatable.

George Allen still has some catching up to do

Events over the last few months have led many to believe Virginia Senator and once GOP '08 front-runner George Allen is a little slow.

It did take him an abnormally long time to realize the significance of having relatives who spent time in concentration camps and a Wikepedia entry that listed him as being Jewish.

But now that he has acknowledged his Semitic heritage, Allen has been quick to embrace the benefits that go along with that.

On the heals of his announcement he made a crack about still eating ham and pork. Now if Allen had used the same joke the day before some would have construed it as being insulting. But out of Allen's newly-Jewish mouth it was all kosher -- even when it wasn't.

This marked the first time in Allen's political career he was able to broach a topic involving race or ethnicity without offending someone.

But lest you think Allen is embracing his Jewish roots just for joke immunity, we have word from Roll Call that Allen will be skipping next Monday's meeting of the Senate Small Business and Entrepreneurship Committee to celebrate Yom Kippur.

That's some hardcore Jewing. I've been aware I'm Jewish for my whole life and I didn't even know Monday was Yom Kipper.

Still, I think I speak for all of us when I say Allen won't really be a member of the tribe until he sticks the head of a gefilte fish into a schvartzer's mailbox.

Leary proves Jameson is stronger than Manishevitz

Last night, actor Denis Leary was brought into the Boston Red Sox broadcast booth to discuss a fireman-related charity. When Leary learns Red Sox first baseman Kevin "The Greek God of Walks" Youkilis isn't really Greek, comic mayhem ensues.

This clip includes a Ted Kennedyesque mispronunciation of Javy Lopez's name, broad insults directed towards the dietary habits of Irish Catholics and Jews, the resurrection of Sandy Koufax's pitching career, and the continuation of Mel Gibson's national shaming.

While the potential for awkwardness was everywhere, it turns out hilarious. Pay special attention to the Red Sox play-by-play guy almost keeling and dying from laughter. Also note how Leary, the well-lubricated comedic pro, has the good sense to keep the gag going when the layman would have believed it to have run its course -- and how Leary's decision to extend it is rewarded by the action on the field.


Tune in next week when Leary finds out Red Sox third basemen Mike Lowell is Cuban.

Update: All forms of this video have been removed from youtube at the request of the New England Sports Network, who claim copyright. Whether that is their regular policy, or just their policy for this video I don't know. Anyway, it was really funny. . . Update: I tracked down a partial transcript.

Joe -- by the skin of his yellow country teeth

It appears the Junior Senator from Connecticut has run out of senatorial primary Joementum.

I've always liked Lieberman, largely because I find the phrase "Joementum" pleasing to speak or write. I am grateful his 36 year political ascent has added it to the lexicon. (And acknowledge it is often used sarcastically.)

Once Lieberman loses on Tuesday there will be much speculation on his next move.

Lieberman can be Machiavellian, as evidenced by his insistence on remaining on the Connecticut senate ballot while he was running for Vice-President. A decision that guaranteed Joe would have an important job come that January, but doomed his party's hope of regaining the Senate.

I'm also under the impression, despite his amiable demeanor, a cruel and unforgiving, Old-Testament-Joe lurks in Lieberman. That in mind, this is what I see going down:

After losing the primary, Lieberman enters the race as an independent, prevailing with relative ease in a three-way race. The Democrats pick up the six seats they need to capture the Senate, but Joe's decision to caucus with the GOP swings the tie-breaker to Cheney and denies the donkeys the subpoena power they are so giddy for. Lieberman further infuriates his old mates by becoming the first man to run for vice-president as a Democrat and a Republican.

The '08 election comes down to a close race in Florida. The McCain/Lieberman ticket prevails because of an unprecedented number of conservative voters in Palm Beach County -- a surge this time attributed to Lieberman's popularity there.

Once he becomes Vice President, Lieberman uses his executive privilege to force notorious Joe-hater Markos Moulitsas spend at least four years looking at himself in the mirror while reading the endless barrage of rants that appear on his popular political weblog.

On the off-chance this doesn't happen, I would recommend Lieberman spend his new free time doing something about his teeth. I think he may be under the impression his jaundiced hue camouflages his yellow teeth.

It doesn't.

Unless there is some sort of Talmudic provision against them, I suggest Crest White Strips.

Bonus video from the post title.

Idle threat of the week

Oscar winning actor/director Mel Gibson has ended pop sensation Justin Timberlake's three week lock on the idle threat of the week.

Gibson made headlines over the weekend for bizarre behavior following his arrest on suspicion of drunk driving early Friday morning in Malibu, CA.

Somewhat lost in the haze of statements such as "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," was a barrage of idle threats Gibson directed towards a Los Angeles County sheriff that included, but weren't limited to, disturbing sexual scenarios.

Taken alone, the threats weren't particular noteworthy. Officers of the law deal with this type of langauge whenever they arrest someone who has been mixing drunk with crazy.

But Gibson's combination of idle threats and out-of-context anti-Semitism was striking in its similarity to the rhetoric that emanates from the Government of Iran. So much so that our judges, experts in recognizing verbal patterns in idle threats, have concluded there is a high probability Gibson is in cahoots with the Islamic Republic.

Why Gibson would want to cast his lot with Tehran is beyond me, but it is obvious why the Iranian government would want to work with Gibson. Not only can he act as their West Coast spokesperson, but his impeccable post-apocalyptic credentials would be of great benefit to Iran when the world ends after the coming of the Hidden Imam.

Now we are left to ponder if Mad Mel was acting alone in Malibu, or if was he under instruction from Teheran to create a diversion so they could get on with their nuclear program.

Great moments in fund-raising

As Israel vows to continue its offensive until its kidnapped soldiers are returned and Hezbollah vacates southern Lebanon, the region and the world prepare for more heavy military activity in the Holy Land.

Israel has an ace-in-the-hole. If the fighting escalates they know they can turn to a certain former president. Not as a negotiator or broker of peace -- like many before him Bill Clinton has tried and failed in that role -- but as an IDF grunt.

President Clinton said in 2002:

"The Israelis know that if the Iraqi or the Iranian army came across the Jordan River, I would personally grab a rifle, get in a ditch, and fight and die."

Of course, Bill Clinton wouldn't really pick up a rifle if Iran joined the fray -- his cardiologist would never allow it.

But seriously, both news reports I could find about his speech to a Jewish group in Toronto claim the crowd stood and cheered wildly in response to Clinton's bold declaration.

This is testament to what a rousing speaker Clinton must be. I would have imagined it would have gone more like this:

The crowd instinctively rises, when it is reveled such a great and powerful man shares their passion and concern. During their ascent they are overcome with laughter, as they realize the absurdity of what they have just heard. By the time they reach the standing position there is only the stunned silence of shock and awe.

It is then I like to think Clinton cracked a joke involving checkbooks.

But we mustn't be blamed for David Schwimmer

Ariel Sharon's body is literally still warm and some guy is already whining about the current lack of "bad ass" Jews. David Marchese, writing in Salon yesterday, pretty much blames the whole thing on half-Irish Ben Stiller.

I didn't really have a problem with the article, other than he was blatantly picking and choosing his "jackass" and "schlubby" celebrity Jews to drive his point home. But the majority of the posters in a lively for Salon comment section sure did.

From them, there was a lot of this "I don't see the world through the prism of such labels."

Blah, blah, blah. I thought the whole point of posting comments on the internet was an anonymity that allows you to say what you really think.

Although the question of what exactly constitutes a Jew, in these times of increased inter-marriage and secularism, is a vexing one.

Luckily, as I read Marchese's article, I figured out a good test:

If you think you might be Jewish, and find yourself keeping track of celebrities who are Jewish, you are, in fact, a Jew.

For the purpose of building a good glossary of Jewish celebrities Marchese's article, and the top ten list and mostly unhappy comment section that accompany it, are quite useful. All together, they work as the next installment of Adam Sandler's (who is not good for the Jews, according to Marchese) Hanukah Song series.

From it, I learned that Hollywood siblings Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal are Members of the Tribe, despite the sneaky double letters, and that actor Orlando Bloom is Jewish, despite being a blonde-haired elf. Not only have I filed this information away, but the quality of their work has risen in my estimation.

I highly recommend all Jews check out Marchese's much-hated story. It is certainly worth looking at the car ad, the vodka ad, or whatever Salon will throw at you to earn a day pass.

And remember, having an extensive Jewish Celebrity Glossary isn't just for Jews. It's also great for anti-Semites, because you can't have a conspiracy without conspirators.

Since I like to be inclusive on jsb, I will just give in and recommend the article to all and not end this post with a Yiddish word.

*Speaking of which, another good thing about the article is that Marchese uses the Yiddish word "schmendrick" at one point. I had totally forgotten about that word, but it's a good one. I need to figure out ways to add it to my repertoire.

The interesting case of Arkansas's Chosen People

In today's New York Times there is a heartwarming tale of a group of Jews summoned to be world domination consulta-I-mean-just-plain executives at Wal-Mart's head-quarters in Bentonville, Arkansas.

Soon enough, the Jews were exposing the wide-eyed locals to latkes, dreidels, yamulkes and the ugliest Synagogue in a very long recorded history. In fact, the local community was so enthralled with the customs of their new neighbors, Bentonville's first Bar Mitvzah in recent memory was broadcast to the whole county. The local DJ's knew little of Bar Mitzvah tradition, but they did know this:

"Jesus was Jewish," one D.J. noted in a dispatch from the reception at a local hotel. The other remarked, "I love Seinfeld."*

This comment hit home because I've had a couple experiences when I've been talking to someone who hasn't come across many (if any) Jews in their life and, upon learning I'm Jewish, has told me how much they like Seinfeld.

I always want to say, "I'll make sure to tell him you do."

But what's interesting about this is not that Seinfeld the man or the show is Jewish. It's that the show Seinfeld is so secular. It's blatantly nihilistic and amoral, yet the characters are lovable, basically good and live by their own well-established code.

The initial knock on Seinfeld was that it would never play in the "heartland." The rest is television history.

I keep hearing, from my fellow secular East Coast elite types, that the country is "getting more and more religious." I've always disagreed with this. I think it's probable that religious people in the country have become more outspoken (in keeping with the look-at-me secular mores of the day) but overall, the country only gets more secular.

If you need any proof, it is that they still enjoy Seinfeld in Benntonville, Arkansas, yet the folks in Jerry and the Gang's old neighborhood were never even into the Left Behind Series.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

*Jesus and Jerry, now those are some quotable Jews.