Snap Judgement: Democrats in South Carolina

Last night, I was among a tiny minority of people who saw the first Democratic debate. Not including the folks in the crowd, accredited journalists, and South Carolinians looking for Simpson's reruns or Wheel of Fortune, I might have been the only person who watched the proceedings. So I should probably pass along what I witnessed:

First and foremost, eight candidates is way too many for a debate. With that many participants, it ceases to be a debate at all. Instead it was series of inconsistent, and somewhat unbalanced, questions to the candidates.

Much of Brian Williams's moderation annoyed me. At times it was like he wanted to put the candidates through an obstacle course, rather than let them introduce themselves and their policies. I was especially bothered when he asked how they would respond if two US cities were destroyed by nuclear devices. That's quite a question, so early. I think, in this weeding out process, the electorate would be better to served to learn what the candidates would do if one US city was leveled by a nuke. I worry this kind of escalation means when we get to the presidential debates next year there will be questions like "what would you do if the entire West Coast was swallowed by a tsunami and you find yourself caught in a bear trap?"

That being said, all the top and middle tier candidates did fairly well. Of the big three Hillary was the best prepared and offered the most thoughtful answers. Though she does have a legitimate problem with her voice. The word "grating" is tossed around a lot. Part of it has do with her being a woman and we (men and women) aren't used to hearing a higher pitched female voice in a position of authority. And part of it is her particular female voice can be particularly grating.

Hillary is able to control her pitch most of the time -- which only makes the screechy flare ups that much starker. I've been hearing a lot of about a Southern accent she keeps in her back pocket. Maybe she should try it out full-time and see if it works.

Edwards and Obama were solid. Edwards did almost choke on the softball question of "who's your moral compass," and anyone coming in the with impression Obama was the next great orator would have been disappointed in his middling performance .

I've noticed a lot written this morning about how well the second-tier guys, Biden, Dodd and Richardson, presented themselves. I do agree on Dodd, who comes off as competent and smart, and Biden, who seems likeable and innovative. Richardson was more of a mixed bag. He did a good job of separating himself from the others on guns and taxes, and was able to stress his foreign policy experience, but he appeared uncomfortable and sweaty on stage, and was the candidate most likely to run long, or not really answer the question asked.

Then there was former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel. He's funny in an old-guy-who-sounds-like-he's-about-to-hit-you way. That humor only goes so far. The Democrats, if their desire is to be taken seriously, would be wise not to invite him to any more debates.

Nothing changed last night. Because of the crowded stage, there were fewer opportunities for one of the campaign damaging gaffes the candidates were trying, above all else, to avoid. A mission each was able to accomplish.

Rob Lowe: Not the biggest freak in Atlanta circa '88

All of our Joe Biden prayers were answered today as the greatest thing to happen to Delaware politics since its storied Constitution ratifying days has thrown his hat into the race for the White House.

Biden came out swinging with targets ranging from President Bush to the other Democrats in the primary field. He also, of course, said something weird and creepy. Speaking about Barack Obama, Biden opined:

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

Some have taken this as an unfair back-handed slap at the multi-racial dynamo. Maybe, but Biden is only describing, in his typically blunt terms, the phenomena that has led a popular on-line magazine to begin a feature called The Obama Messiah Watch, which contemplates the latest journalistic evidence Obama might be the son of God.

Still, what's with the clean?

Now if he was associating bright and clean, Biden's quote could be construed as a legitimate, albeit somewhat gratuitous, shot at the sloppy ethical dealings of past black presidential candidates. (And I'm not talking Alan Keyes -- no one would ever let Keyes anywhere near dealings.)

But if he was associating good looking and clean, you've just learned more than you ever wanted to know about Jesse Jackson.

End of the year crystal ball time

There is not a whole lot going on in this meat-in-a-holiday-sandwich of a week. So it seems like it is a good time to either reflect upon what happened in 2006, or predict what is going to happen in 2007. Since the former would take a lot research and a good memory I have decided on the latter.

But with a twist. I'm not necessarily predicting the big events that will shape our world in 2007. This is a list of ten topics that I might blog about, and you might read about on jsb in the coming year:

Celebrities adopt Eskimos

We'll start with the no-brainer. As global warming hysteria heightens, your better A-listers will fly their private jets to the North Pole and begin adopting/kidnapping Eskimo children --ostensibly to save them from drowning. In their new Malibu homes these young Eskimos will teach their assorted third-world siblings all sorts of new words for snow.

Many academics and public intellectual types will predict the decline of American power without offering up a remotely plausible alternative to it

Didn't it take like hundreds of years for Rome to fall? And the fall of the Roman Empire was supposedly fun. Come on public intellectual types, we're not even having fun yet! On a related note, the rest of the world will continue to adopt our trailblazing bad habits. Since they have already discovered the fat, the lazy and the violent, 07 will be the year the foreigners learn the thrill of over-hyping fake negative trends. In other words, there will be a lot of discussion in strange languages about Crystal Meth epidemics and how there is suddenly too much religion in public life.

This Obama fellow will get press

Having weathered the Obama hype and the Obama backlash, we are now entering the Obama backlash, backlash. The only place we can go from here is Obama backlash, backlash, backlash. And so on. If you are scoring at home, it's good for Obama when there is an even number of backlashes.

Surprise Major League Baseball dopers revealed

I'm not going to even try to dissect the legalese, but it seems like we are now on a path to where the names on the 100 plus positive drug tests from 2003 will be revealed to the public. It won't be much of a surprise if someone like Roger Clemens is on the list, but what if -- and this is based on nothing -- a Derek Jeter pops up. No matter what, we will be forced to rethink our animus towards Bonds and McGwire.

Beauty queens go wild

Not only -- with Miss America and Miss USA -- are there 100 state title holders, but many smaller municipalities and organizations crown beauty queens. What better way to promote tourism to Hillsborough County, FL then by having a smoking-hot Miss Hillsborough County simulate oral sex on random people in a crowded bar, and then post the photos on the Internet with links to other Hillsborough County attractions?

War will be more entertaining

2006 was all about wars in Iraq and Lebanon, and people seemed too invested to really sit back and enjoy the fighting on TV. I'm thinking a crazy, fun, hopefully intercontinental war will pop up in '07. Like maybe South Africa and Chile go at it over water rights. Speaking of which, I see that Ethiopia is currently attacking other nations. Remember when the Ethiopians were a bunch of stick figures, too weak to swat the flies away from their faces. So we send them food and money and this is what they do with it? That Sally Struthers is full of crap. I'd like to see her at The Hague, encased in glass.*

Joe Biden runs for President

I know, he already announced he was going to, but I hope, hope, hope Biden lasts the whole year. In this Youtube era of quick soundbite gaffes, Biden is the only politician we have who brings the length and breath of an old fashioned orator to his potentially offensive statements.

Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb have a quarterback controversy

This is predicated on a deep Eagles' run into the playoffs -- so I guess I'm predicting that too. Because, let's face it, everyone loves a quarterback controversy. I can't remember the names of my close friend's girlfriends and wives, but I remember small details of the great Danny White/Gary Hogeboom QB battle of '85. A Garcia/McNabb controversy would be especially fun because it involves the black-hole-like negativity of Philadelphia sports, race and, if Terrell Owens puts his two-cents in, sexual preference.

Lindsay Lohan Turns 21

I remember I stopped drinking two weeks before I turned 21 so it would be special. Actually, that had more to do with me losing my wallet and catching pneumonia. It still worked. I wonder how Lohan will prepare for her big day on July 2? I can only imagine what kind of partying will take place when it comes. Really, I can't even imagine. But I've circled the date on my calender.

Matt Drudge will be obsessed with weather systems, natural disasters, student-teacher sexual liaisons, Hillary Clinton, Israel, nuclear proliferation, stupid criminals and phallic symbols

And it will be the first site I check every morning, and refresh religiously all day.

Just like with my football picks, I implore you not to use these predictions in wagers involving currency, or your good word.

* It turns out Ethiopia is using their new money and robust health to gratefully attack our enemies for us. So I take back my negative implications. Sally Struthers is still full of crap though. Unless she has been working for the CIA all this time ...

New math claims first victim

The Foley scandal claimed its next victim and it wasn't Dennis Hastert. Instead former Virginia governor and unlikely netroot-hero Mark Warner took the fall.

Many had touted Warner as a dark horse candidate for the '08 Democratic presidential nomination citing his centrist policies and fundraising prowess, while ignoring his hideous teeth. The "Anti-Hillary" officially ended his campaign before it began yesterday, claiming he needed to spend time with his family.

Of course by spending time with his family he meant he had known the company of many interns and realized that would no longer fly.

Nobody thinks the Republicans are going to be able find a Democrat who was trying to bang boy pages, but everybody knows they will be able to find Democrats who have been having fun with girl interns. And they will withhold this information until it works most to their advantage.

Recent history shows a politician can survive one girl intern banged, or a handful harassed. But in the post-Foley environment any further intern excess will result in sudden political death and a trip to rehab.

I've analyzed the rest of the 2008 Democratic field in light of this new math:

Barack Obama -- They call him a "Rock Star. They say he's "inspiring." You know who likes "inspiring rock stars? 22-year old girl interns.
Verdict: Toast. Warner wants to trade videotapes.

Hillary Clinton -- A serial harasser of both sexes, Hillary pushes her unwanted attention to its focus-grouped limit and never beyond.
Verdict: Hillary sticks around as long as the vast right wing conspiracy knows they can beat her.

Al Gore -- Don't let that "I love earth" junk fool you. Al Gore is an extra-terrestrial with a set of needs completely his own.
Verdict: People get uncomfortable when they see him around penguins.

John Kerry -- If you got your internship because your daddy contributed a ka-zillion dollars to the DNC, Kerry will come sniffing around.
Verdict: Nobody likes John Kerry.

Russ Feingold -- The only single member of this group. Yet he seems an ethical fellow and might object to intern banging because of the whole "subordinate" thing.
Verdict: If you're not going to win you might as well have a good time.

John Edwards -- He wants you to think he bangs interns. Just like Bill Clinton did. Although when confronted, he'll try to pin it on Wal-Mart.
Verdict: If the electorate were like a jury there would be a lot more politician jokes.

Joe Biden -- Biden has probably sexually harassed every man, woman and child in the Mid-Atlantic. But nobody believes he meant to. Or he ever has the foggiest idea what he's talking about.
Verdict: Your 2008 Democratic nominee.

Joe Biden continues to dazzle and amaze

More than any other politician out there Joe Biden has defined his career by a willingness to go on television and speak at length about anything. Despite this -- and over thirty years in the Senate -- Biden continues to be "gaffe prone" when it comes to talking in the presence of a blinking red light.

Sometimes Biden's gaffes are long-winded and plagiarized. For the purpose of a blog in a low-attention span world those gaffes are no fun. Other times his gaffes are short, punchy and to the point. The kind of gaffes we appreciate over here at jsb.

Appearing yesterday on one of the Sunday morning gab-feasts he loves so, Biden unleashed the good kind of gaffe when, in response to the moderator's question about his prospects of winning a Democratic primary in South Carolina, Biden reminded the world that "my state was a slave state."

Factually correct -- Delaware was a slave-holding border state during the Civil War -- but what made his comment so jarring and unusual was the pride he affixed to this declaration of past Delaware oppression. The kind of pride usually reserved for a grandparent listing the accomplishments of a grandchild.

While Biden has often been accused of not thinking before he speaks, when we go to the videotape it is clear he did pause and think for a moment before answering the question.

If one were to apply the "Macaca" standard of deconstruction to what Biden said one might come away thinking this was a naked ploy to attract the votes of Southern whites by assuring them that a Delawarean knows how to keep the black man in his place.

But, because it was Biden speaking, I am inclined to think it is just another case of him knowing not what he says. Luckily for Biden, I won't be the only one inclined to think that way.

Indians befuddle presidential hopefuls

First Delaware Senator Joe Biden was caught on tape stumbling through a stereotype-laden, but well-intentioned, conversation with an Indian-American donor. Now Virginia Senator George Allen has hit a snag at the intersection of Indian and videotape.

During a listening stop in support of his re-election bid, Allen twice referred to SR Sidarth, a Jim Webb campaign worker assigned to follow Allen and film* his every word, as "Macaca."

"Macaca" doesn't mean anything in English, but it sounds a lot like a French slur against people from North Africa. Since Allen's mother is French-speaking, some have interpreted Allen's word choice as a deliberate, if geographically incorrect, attack on Sidarth's Indian background.

Allen's campaign claims Allen was actually referring to Sidarth as "Mohawk." Only Sidarth doesn't have a mohawk, raising the possibilities Allen doesn't know the difference between Indians and Native Americans -- and has a serious speech impediment.

The fact Allen was clearly aware he was being taped might be his best defense against full-on intended racism, but no matter what you believe his intention, the incident makes a politician already suspected of racial intolerance look the part.

It has become increasingly clear, when confronted with persons of Indian descent, the mainstream American politician will become flustered and say weird and potentially embarrassing things.

If I was running for office I would employ a whole bunch of Indians, give them video cameras, and send them at my opponent in waves.

The day that strategy stops working is the day our nation has finally grown to properly identify all of its citizens by their ethnic background.

*The youtube clip refers to Sidarth as an Arab American. This is contrary to the press reports that list him as of "Indian descent." It looks like it isn't just the politicians who get confused.

If Joe Biden was a reality television show, viewers would develop cringe lines on their faces

The Senator from Delaware is getting crap all over the internet, and from all sides, for what seems to me to be some completely harmless and tradition-steeped ethnic pandering.

Is nothing sacred?

Sure, it was awkward, but Joe Biden reading his grocery list would be awkward.

Anyway, I think he meant "you can not work at (not go to) a 7/11 or Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent."

Unless, of course, the "Indians from India" really are taking over our first state, and forcibly denying the palefaces their coffee and donuts. (A development Tom Friedman will surely take credit for anticipating.)

If so, I will sleep easier knowing Senator Biden is on the case.