The results are in and Britney wins again

Each year, in the beginning of December, Yahoo! provides a report on the annum's top searches. This year the Internet service company has abstained from providing a list of top overall searches, instead offering up only top ten lists in narrow categories such as News Stories, Environmental Searches and Celebrity Downslides.

I can only speculate that this is a misguided attempt to class up the Internet by implying there could be as many people searching for information on recycling as there are looking for images of Paris Hilton's Hilton's vagina.

But it doesn't fool me, and I noticed the Celebrity Downslide list most resembles last year's top ten overall list. So, like I did in '06, I will analyze these results, and assess each searched term's prospect for search engine success in '08.

10. Owen Wilson
In 2007 it was revealed that Owen Wilson is a tragic clown, as a half-hearted suicide attempt stripped all the sheen from the Butterscotch Stallion's happy-go-lucky veneer. Expect Wilson to rebound in 2008 by appearing in quirky film roles opposite Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller. Also expect critics to finally recognize the existential pain Wilson brings to his seemingly flimsy characters. While it's doubtful he ends '08 on any top ten search lists, Wilson's chance for Oscar gold has increased exponentially.

9. Michael Vick
The bleeding heart and the crazy-marriage-proposal-lady will walk with the human murderer, but the canine killer walks alone. Vick learned this the hard way in 2007. Since he will likely be in prison, his '08 search engine prospects are bleak.

8. Tara Conner
For whatever reason, Yahoo! doesn't recognize the parameters of the Gregorian Calender. Which is why disgraced beauty queen Conner, whose cocaine-addled promiscuity made news in December of '06, makes the '07 top ten list. Although I've advocated hard for Tara's further ubiquity in the past, I will now concede she has been out of the spotlight for too long for an easy comeback. At this point, it would probably take a "leaked" sex tape. And by that I mean a shockingly explicit one, perhaps involving another more famous person or a snake.

7. Rosie O'Donnell
I don't pay a whole lot of attention to Rosie, so I wasn't even aware that in 2007 she "backslid." But I do think Internet user's fascination with Rosie is a historic victory for women everywhere of a certain weight and voice type.

6. Amy Winehouse
If you have Amy Winehouse in your office's "who will die next" pool, it's time to start thinking about who you are going to spend that 50 dollar gift certificate to TGI Friday's on. Where Winehouse ends up on '08's list depends solely on what else is going on during the week she meets the big crack dealer in the sky.

5. Nicole Richie
I'm a little surprised to see Richie so high, as I thought anorexia and terrible driving were becoming passe. The only way I see Richie repeating this position in 2008 is in the unlikely event she gets her hands on a 18-wheeler or an airplane.

4. Vanessa Anne Hudgens
I'd never heard of the Disney star until she forgot her clothes on her way to storming the Internet. Former Disney stars Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were able to achieve web fame before they flashed their ladyparts. The fact Hudgens had to reverse that order is a commentary on our times.

3. Anna Nicole Smith
If she returns it's only at number one.

2. Paris Hilton
Having already done the prison thing and the sex tape thing, Paris needs to come up with a new shtick to keep the clicks coming in the coming year. There will be an election in 2008, and Paris isn't averse to getting attention by canoodling with prominent people. My God, I hope she picks Hillary.

1. Britney Spears
A five-time former winner of Yahoo's now retired "most overall searched" distinction, Britney brought it again in 2007. Spears proves crazy isn't static, and will adjust elegantly to life changes, such as new motherhood and divorce. Although I don't think Britney will stray too far from her '07 formula of drunken sex, chocolate cake and child neglect, I do expect Britney to repeat as champion in 2008.

Keep him sober. Launch your career in movies

During my research into Owen Wilson's strategy for avoiding any more faux suicide attempt hospitalizations while staying sane and with his career intact, I found out something surprising about the "sober companion" position Wilson hopes will help him do just that.

According to this achieved article, back in 2002 sober companions for actors were pulling in up to 2500 dollars a day -- a fee often paid by movie insurance companies. Yet, now in 2007, Owen Wilson is getting his sober companion -- who will shadow him everywhere he goes including, obviously, the bathroom -- for a mere 750 dollars a day.

This confused me at first. Wouldn't there be more of a demand for Hollywood sober companions these days? Granted this perception might be based on the proliferation of the gossip industry and the complete lack of privacy celebrities now have. Still, the more than three-fold decrease in wages has got to be overwhelming a result of changes on the supply side of equation.

Which does make sense. I'm sure, once it was discovered that a personal sobriety minder was a real Tinseltown job, film school grads from NYU to USC began marketing themselves as such. Why fetch coffee for some studio exec when you can have 24/7 access to an A-list actor like Owen Wilson? (Breakfast at Hugo's with Wes! Lunch at The Ivy with Luke! Dinner at Spago's with Vince! Oh that's Kate on the cell, can't let that one get through!)

As an added bonus, unlike with the personal assistant, the intense dependency-laden psychological bond the vulnerable Hollywood star will quickly develop with the sober companion should garner producer credits even well after the formal arrangement has ended.

This is all to say by the time the Abigail Breslins of the world are old enough to develop debilitating substance abuse problems, the sober companion will be an unpaid position with a difficult application process. Although many will say it is all about who you know.