The terrorists want to be like Mike

In their never ending quest to turn what makes us great against us, the terrorists have resorted to using that most American of thirst quenchers, the sports drink, in their latest barbarous plot.

Thankfully, their plan was foiled by our British allies in the War on Terror.

Only Robert Oppenheimer has known the sinking sensation Gatorade inventor Dr. Robert Cade feels today, as he learns the non-carbonated beverage he brought into the world could have killed so many.

It has been reported the despair of current Gatorade pitchman Keith Jackson is cataclysmic.

All Americans should be asking the President and his Congress to detail the steps they had been taking to secure the Gatorade Sports Science Institute.

Sure, they will say they are making moves to protect the facility now.

But one step behind isn't good enough it these precarious times.

According to spell check Zima = Zion

Yesterday I came across a joke about the cheesiness of the alcoholic beverage Zima. As you can see from the Wikepedia entry linked, the jokes made at Zima's expense have always been the lemony drink's defining characteristic.

Zima was introduced in 1994 amongst great fanfare. There was a clear beverage* craze going on at the time and I had been swept up. So when Zima came out I drank myself a four-pack. The taste didn't make much of an impression, but "weak gin and tonic" was the collective verdict.

Soon after Zima hit the market a rumor it didn't contain actual alcohol begin circulating (over the telephone, I guess.) The rumor proved false, but Zima was relegated to what we used to call a "sorority drink."

That ended my relationship with the malt beverage. I have neither drank or seen anyone else drink a Zima since 1995. This despite doing a lot of drinking in a lot of places with a lot of different people and having absolutely no standards as to what I will drink, come a certain hour.

Yet, judging from the continued jokes in pop culture and from the man-on-the-street, Zima still exists.

Begging the question, is Coors brewing, bottling, packaging and shipping Zima just to keep a punch line valid for a laugh-thirsty nation?

Noble, if true, but an unbelievably poor business practice.

Let's get to the bottom of this: Has anyone tasted, seen, felt, heard or smelled a Zima in the last decade? You can comment anonymously or send an email to me directly.

You will not be judged.

*The clear beverage craze reached its conslusion when it was discovered the public actually wanted the clear beverage water. So the beer and soft drink companies turned on their faucets, bottled the stuff, charged double, and have been laughing hard ever since.