Clintons N Things

Pootie Poo gets his due

As you probably know Vladimir Putin was declared Time's "Person of The Year" this week. While the pick disgusted Mitt Romney, it pleased President Bush, who waxed on about "looking forward to seeing him (and his soul) at the alumni meeting of the men of the year."

I really like the pick, as I have been a big fan of Putin ever since he became the first world leader in recent history to lift the shirt and kiss the tummy of a young boy in a public square, explain his odd behavior by stating "I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten," yet only gain popularity in the molestation's aftermath. (It's a barely known fact, but Austrian President Franz Jonas was forced to leave office under the exact same circumstance.)

In more seriousness, I really can't argue with Putin being person of the year. Of course nobody really knows who the person of the year is, but Putin, who makes a mockery of democracy in a refreshingly upfront manner -- while he rules a country that is chock full of oil and nuclear missiles -- is as good a pick as any.

What Mitt Romney can't understand is the "Person of The Year" isn't given to the person with the best hair or the kind of attributes 8 out of 10 focus group participants prefer. It is given to the person "who has, for better or worse, done the most to influence the events of the year."

Which is why Time dodged a big-time bullet when Jamie-Lynn Spears waited so long to disclose her pregnancy. I know I'd hate to grapple with the abortion debate implications of naming a fetus person of the year.

I'd like this "Manny being Manny" thing to catch on

Boston slugger and honorary Valley Girl Manny Ramirez was at it again yesterday. Stating that if his Red Sox weren't able to come back from their 3-1 deficit to the Cleveland Indians it wouldn't be "like the end of the world" because "who cares."

Well the fervent Red Sox Nation cares, and they can't be too happy with their star player's nonchalance. Then again, anything Manny Ramirez says can be easily dismissed as just another case of "Manny being Manny."

As I've opined before, the appeal of such a line of reasoning lies largely in "Manny being Manny" being so fun to say.

That in mind, are there any other public figures whose intentions and activities we can peg exclusively to a simple, phonetically pleasing reduction? I nominate the following:

Rudy Giuliani

Every day Rudy Giuliani confirms what his critics can't stop screaming about: This is one weird hombre. When he's not answering phone calls from his wife in the middle of speeches, or discussing Martian attacks with ten year olds, Rudy turns to rhetorical excess, spitting out head-scratchers such as "I gave my blood for the New York Republicans" or "the American economy is the last best hope of humanity." Yet the more the public sees of Rudy, the more they don't seem to mind his idiosyncrasies. So the next time Rudy says or does something odd -- probably while wearing his third wife's panties -- instead of obsessing over how it's going to play in the flyover states, remember -- it's just Rudy being Rudy.

Lindsay Lohan

Today we have reports that, while rehabbing in Utah, Lilo had crazy stairwell sex with a pro snowboarder type, breaking up his engagement back home. If true, this would be at least the second marriage Lohan has destroyed while she was getting dry over the summer. One can only imagine the number of relationships she has been able to effect outside of rehab, where there aren't strict rules against sex, and everyone's judgement is clouded by the drugs. Many would argue this makes Lindsay a bad person. I say the responsibility lies with all the women foolish enough to allow their man to go be housed in the same rehab facility as Lohan. Or, for that matter, to live in New York or Los Angeles. The Mean Girl's star can't help herself. It's just Lindsay being Lindsay.

Vladimir Putin

Buoyed by a huge influx of petrol dollars, all Russian President Vladimir Putin seems to be doing these days is engaging in cold-war era saber rattling and thinking of clever ways to beat the Russian constitution and declare himself president for all of eternity. Putin is also known to molest young boys in public squares, and is increasingly cozing up to Iran, the arch-enemy of the United States. But don't worry, George W. Bush, the great seer that he is, once spotted goodness behind Putin's ice blue eyes. So until the tanks roll into Hungary, there is no need to restock the old bomb shelter. It's just Pootie being Pootie.

After the fear is gone

Nostalgia is abound at the G-8 where Russian President Vladimir Putin threatened to retarget Russian missiles at Europe if the United States goes through with plans to include former Soviet satellites Poland and The Czech Republic in a missile defense system.

The system would ostensibly protect Europe from countries like Iran, but Putin is crying foul because such rogue states lack the kind of missiles which could strike Europe. Although that logic runs into a bit of a ditch when one considers that missile defense systems tend to take a really long time to come into being (if they ever come into being) and who knows what the distant future holds?

Nevertheless, I don't think Putin's point was to be completely logical, but rather the Russian President --buoyed by petrol dollars and America's perceived foreign policy weakness -- would like to rekindle a new cold war with the United States and the West.

With the US/USSR rivalry of the second half of the twentieth century representing the apex of Russian influence in world affairs, it makes sense that Putin, a proud former Soviet, would want to do such a thing.

It also always struck me how quickly, during the time of glasnost and the fall of the Berlin wall, Russia went from being sworn enemy number one of the United States to a nation worthy of sympathy, support and even its own outpost in Brooklyn. While I'm sure, at the time, these gestures were reassuring to the Russian and the Soviet people, years later they probably seem more and more humiliating.

Putin's problem is that to achieve his goal of Cold War redux he has to make America fear the Russian bear once again -- and adjust its foreign policy accordingly.

I've found once you genuinely get to the point where you have overcome your fear of something -- whether it be heights, creaking night time sounds or transcontinental countries extending over much of northern Eurasia -- it is very difficult to ever be afraid of that thing again.

In his early dealings with Putin, President George W. Bush, in a move more appropriate for sizing up a stray dog than conducting international diplomacy, looked into his counterpart's soul and saw good.

This was further proof that, like the kid whose heart once raced when he saw a wandering dog but will now gently pet the strange beast, the United States was completely over its once predominant fear of Russia.

And there will need to be a couple of real bites -- the kind Putin won't be willing to take -- for the fear to return.

Death watch: Two down and one to go edition

Death is a famously holiday averse fellow, and while you've been opening presents, stuffing your face with food, searching for after-Christmas bargains and preparing for New Years, the beat goes on for the angel with no body-fat and a scythe.

Last night Death snagged himself the biggest holiday prize of all: A United States President. Gerald Ford had already captured the admiration of Death Watchers everywhere with his grace and resilience* in face of mounting evidence of his impending demise. At 93, Ford was and will remain the longest living President in US history. George Herbert Walker Bush edges Jimmy Carter to grab the title of "oldest living President."

Like he always does, Death came in on Christmas. This year it was James Brown who paid the ultimate price for Death's workaholic tendencies. I don't have a lot to say about Brown because he was the "Godfather of Soul" and I find too much soul overwhelms me -- and by too much soul I mean any more than is in that Backstreet Boys' song you hate to admit is pretty good.

Nevertheless, James Brown's over-the-top style spawned some solid parodies I was able to appreciate, including this classic skit from Eddie Murphy.

Any Death Watcher worth his or her salt knows death comes in threes. Taking the star-power of Ford and Brown into account, the chances of Fidel Castro and Dick Cheney both making it to 2007 would now seem quite slight.

But I see that Castro's doctor, after months of stonewalling, has claimed the Cuban leader's health is improving. And, since nothing clears the arteries like the thrill of a lesbian birth, the US Vice President is also likely in the clear.

Over the next few days I'll be watching Donald Trump, who could be cracking under increased stress, Vladamir Putin, who may have handled poisonous material, Terrell Owens, who craves attention at all costs, and Beyonce Knowles, whose face is falling off.

* In a finale tribute to Ford's sticktoitness, the author of his Washington Post obituary died, himself, almost a year ago.

Bonus video: More fun with Gerald Ford obits from Dana Carvey.

Death watch: That Russian music download site

Since I started this blog the most common question I get from my readers is "how do I become a death watcher like you?"

It's really quite simple: To be a death watcher all you have to do is identify an appropriately famous person who is old or ailing and be on the look out for articles that suggests his or her ultimate demise.

For example, today I noticed that Fidel Castro -- who has been in the death watch cross hairs for some time -- did not attend his own 80th birthday party because he is ill.

Now that's textbook death watching, and anyone can do it.

What I should add is, despite its ease, death watching is not for everyone. It is exhilarating at first, but you soon realize your success as a death watcher is dependent on a flip indifference towards human life. It is a realization that sneaks up on you, because why should you have feelings for famous people you don't know at all?

They call that a slippery slope, and soon enough you stop caring about the people around you, and eventually you stop caring about showering or changing your clothes.

That's where I was as of yesterday. Today it is a whole different story as something has entered the death watch cross hairs that has made me feel again.

I have been downloading music from a certain Russian website for a year now. The music costs about a tenth of the price it would cost through American download services such as itunes. While there have always been questions about the Russian service's legality, there is a pretty compelling argument that it is quite legal when downloading to the United States.

Because of this, the American government has been putting pressure on the Russian government to use their legal system to eliminate this "pirate" website. It appears that the US government, dangling the carrot of World Trade Organization admission, has finally succeeded and Russia has agreed to take the site down.

And thus begins the most harrowing death watch I've ever been involved in. I frantically emptied my account's balance last night, but the site remains up today. Should I put in more money and get more music at low prices I'll never see again, knowing that money and the site could disappear at any moment?

Usually I would believe there would be months, or even years, of lawyering before the site goes dark. But with President Putin's recent showcase of a new, painful way to deal with dissent, I could see a scenario where the site's proprietors come to the conclusion it is in their best interest to go down without a fight and allow Russia to enter the WTO.

So I'll be checking constantly, with bated breath, for stories on the demise of this certain Russian music download site. With each new piece of information providing a jolt to my once dormant humanity.

Putin zings Cheney

President Vladimir Putin on Wednesday called Vice President Dick Cheney's criticism of Russia "an unsuccessful hunting shot."

Now, now Vladie, you wouldn't like it if Dick brought up your little kitten friend, would you?

Putin update

Putin explains the stomach kiss:

"I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten and that desire of mine ended in that act."

I'm sure it sounds better in Russian.

Putin Update

Never has anything on JSB elicited the interest and concern as the Pooty likes 'em young post.

Tomorrow, President Putin will go on-line to explain last week's horrifying stomach kiss to a shaken Russian public. But Putin won't tell the real story of why he molested the shy boy -- the story I broke exclusively on this site.

If you have any Russian friends or acquaintances please direct them to it. It almost excuses their beloved president's shocking behavior. Which is all a Russian can hope for in these dark times.

Pooty likes 'em young

If you are wondering what Russian President Vladimir Putin could possibly be up to in this photo, I regret to inform you he is going to pull that boy's shirt up and kiss* him on the stomach.

As if he senses what is about to happen, the "shy" and "astonished" boy tries to escape, but Putin wasn't taking no for an answer. What I find astonishing is how confidently Putin leaves the scene -- not an easy task when you have just molested a random child in front of a large crowd.

After speaking with my Russia expert this morning, I have gained valuable insight into what happened yesterday in that square.

Russia faces a bleak future, well-beyond the ego-bruising lose of super-power status. Expected to shed a third of its population by mid-century, Russia may be on the verge of an Africa-like AIDS catastrophe and has developed a "dual economy," which makes it difficult for average Russians to afford basic amenities in urban areas. The fact most Russians are drunks is not a help.

Even though much of this decline has taken place during Putin's watch, he remains a wildly popular president. Advisors, baffled by this contradiction, have concluded Pooty-Poo has magical powers. Yet they suspect the country isn't fully benefiting from them.

The KGB will follow the boy around for the next few months, carefully noting any improvement in arithmetic, 50 meter dash, etc. This data will be compared with data collected from a growing pool of Russians of all ages who have had "personal" contact with Putin.

If the pilot program is deemed a success, Putin will spend the reminder of his presidency making "personal" contact with each and every Russian citizen. Experts say Russia's declining population make this a viable proposition.

When I asked my source if the "magic" is only transferred through lip-to-stomach contact, he paused and began to stammer.

He admitted the magic was just as likely to be transfered through a firm handshake.

The stomach kiss was a condition Putin placed on his participation in the program.

*Hit the link to see the horrifying video.