Mel and Britney?

* OK, so I really blew it by not coming up with "Mitney" as a Spears/Gibson portmanteau. Duh -- it's staring right out from the title of the post. I guess I think of "Mitney" as the hip nickname for Mitt Romney that wasn't.

But does Britney trigger equal-time requirements?

In case of regulatory madness not seen since Ronald Reagan's FDA tried reclassify ketchup as a vegetable, the current FCC has just ruled that TMZ (the TV show) meets the test for "a bona fide newscast" and therefore does not trigger political equal-time requirements.

Meaning the website spin off is free to air pictures of a "buff" Barack Obama at the beach without having dredge up photos of a shirtless John McCain being tortured by his Vietnamese captors. Likewise TMZ is free to report on all the chicks Bill Clinton was hitting on at The Hyde without getting into who Michelle Obama's fifth grade boyfriend was.

So, as I'm sure you are all wondering, what does this all have to do with Britney? Nothing yet, but if TMZ's website is indicative of its TV coverage they certainly haven't been giving Federline equal time during today's custody hearing. Just something for the FCC to think about, since we know they are already watching TMZ.

Idle threat of the week

I've been of the opinion -- and many of the pundits agree -- the driving force behind America's (and the world's) current economic woes is that the complex, derivative-based systems that whiz kid Wall Street mathematicians have developed to manage risk have spiraled out of control, and no longer does anyone really know what to make of the totality of these tangled numerical webs, or what their limitations are.

Which is why we are in the financial mess we are in. And also why last week began with talk of another great depression and ATM machines running out of money, but ended with the stock market up. Some would say this indicates Bernanke and his troops at the Fed, who swooped in to lower interest rates and make emergency loans available directly to investment banks, might actually have a grasp on what is going on. But only time will tell if their's was a short-term inflation-tempting band aid, or the first step out of a bottom.

Since no person has a clue as to what the answer to this question will be, I was prepared to declare all macro-economic knowledge the Idle Threat of the Week. But the panel of judges talked me out of it, and reminded me by doing so I was falsely implying that I had enough knowledge on the subject to be able to identify a lack of knowledge in others.

Instead, did you know that David Hasselhoff and Britney Spears have become new BFFs? A website called Showbiz Spy claims that Britney has been showing up regularly at the Hoff's house, where they watch episodes of Knight Rider and engage in backyard self-affirmation exercises which, according to peeved neighbors, includes primal scream therapy.

The whole story sounds shaky, but just the idea that Spears and Hasselhoff believe combining their greatly diminished capacities is the best way for them to exercise their well-publicized demons wins Idle Threat for March 17-23th. And it's a good thing too. Because if the current king and queen of train wrecks were able to jointly heal themselves and stay out of the tabloids . . . now that would be a blow that reverberates the world over.

Bad parenting pays

Britney Spears's personal largess has been a bonanza for Los Angeles area convenience stores and fast food chains -- not to mention the benefit it has had on Southern California's "underground" economy.

The troubled former pop princess's antics are also credited for keeping a certain segment of the magazine industry afloat. A grouping that now includes the venerable literary and political magazine The Atlantic, which finally ended an 150 year streak of not putting Britney Spears on the cover this month.

But the latest beneficiary of the Britney-based economy is the man who started it all: Dear old dad.

The Los Angeles Superior Court ruled Wednesday that James Spears will be paid 2,500 dollars in weekly compensation to handle his daughter's affairs. The elder Spears is also entitled to the lease of a car.

James Spears might have one daughter who is a train-wreck of epic proportions and another who is the poster child for teen pregnancy, but now, by court mandate, he is being paid to dole out his fatherly advice. So I guess it all worked out in the end.

How will I ever learn to trust again

In case you are still wondering what was going on last weekend with Paris Hilton and the orange robed, gray bearded "Buddhist" she was following around -- and why wouldn't you be? -- I think I have uncovered the definitive answer and it is sort of horrifying.

According to the USA Today, the whole thing was a hoax set up by Ashton Kutcher of Punk'd fame. Only the joke wasn't on Paris; instead it was a part of his new show called Pop Fiction, in which celebrities team up with Kutcher to target paparazzi and gullible media outlets.

The London tabloids, New York Daily News, Los Angeles Times, San Francisco Chronicle and TMZ.com all took the bait on the heiress and the guru episode. But what is really disturbing is a producer of Pop Fiction states there are currently about 20 celebrities in on the joke. Even more ominously this producer claims media outlets have already been duped into reporting other false stories.

Does this mean that Britney isn't crazy? And Anna Nicole Smith is alive somewhere in the Caribbean? And Barack Obama is a cyborg?

Picture of Kutcher's NBA doppelganger has nothing to do with the post, but funny nonetheless.

Famous people keep getting press

If you are feeling blue now that you live in a nation were it takes a squadron of police motorcycles and two helicopters to escort Britney Spears through the streets of Los Angeles and to the psychiatric ward at 3:30 AM, you can at least take solace in knowing that celebrity culture is spiraling out of control in Australia too.

This is especially odd because, if you don’t count the ancient Paul Hogan, the Aussie’s haven't even had a real home grown (one who isn't famous because sometimes he or she speaks with an American accent) top-shelf celebrity ever since that nature guy got sting-rayed. But what they do have is Corey Worthington, the 16-year old Jeff Spicola lookalike who recently took the island continent by storm after he threw a wild house party while his parents were away, and then responed indignantly on national television to an anchorwoman scolding him for his irresponsibility.

As he had threatened to the network audience during his introduction, Worthington used his infamy to become a party promoter. Not surprisingly, his first foray into professional party planning was a unmitigated flop. Still Oz’s interest in all things Worthington continues.

The other day Corey and some of his buddies got into a dispute with some other kids at the local mall. Later the two groups meet at a field (a cricket oval to be exact) where Corey and a boy named Chris engaged in an intense twenty second slog of wrestling, shirt pulling and half-punches. Of course it was caught on camera phone, and soon hit the newspapers, Internet and television.

Here we have the kid who recorded the now-famous fight footage ominously predicting – after some prodding by the interviewer – that because of Corey’s fame, stubbornness and upleasent disposition this will not be the last time Australia and the world learns Corey has been involved in a tragic twenty second slog of wrestling, shirt pulling and half-punches.

Those who live in Los Angeles can only hope the next time Britney is institutionalized it isn't during rush hour.

Early returns suggest 2008 will belong to Britney

There are things about Britney Spears that still interest me. But they are auxiliary things. Such as the continuing study of what constitutes the Britney-based economy -- which is by some accounts larger than the entire national output of Tonga. I've also been been fascinated by the Associated Press's open embrace of all things Britney, followed by the AP's very public preparation of the 26-year olds obituary, followed by an AP editor actively lobbying for her death so his news organization could finally get a little ROI on their soul selling.

Britney herself, not so much interest anymore. Although I haven't been able to avoid noticing that lately Britney has been doing a lot of semi-nude weeping (and not the good kind), has fallen under the influence of a pair of Afghan handlers with suspect motives, and, keeping with the international theme, has now developed British-accented alter-ego who is apparently quite nice. Also, there was something with Dr. Phil.

While it's always fun to see a crazy person attempt to represent themselves to the public as sane -- like Tom Cruise or what Britney used to do -- having a crazy person go out of her way to act as nutty as possible gets tiresome pretty fast. Unfortunately the public doesn't agree with me. In this chart of searched terms you can see not even the transcendent, Kennedy-approved and rigorously over-hyped power of Barack Obama can compete with Britney's full embrace of the crazy white chick routine:

Now that Lindsay is drinking again maybe she will be able to cut into Britney's market share, and spur Barack to victory. But history suggests otherwise.

Britney to win New Hampshire

You may not know this, but I think of The JSB as a comprehensive news service much like the Associated Press --only without the 243 news bureaus, ten million image photography library, and actual reporting. Which is why it pleases me so that the AP has seen the light and finally embraced the JSB model concerning Britney Spears:

Idle threat of the week

After a two week holiday the panel of judges returns to scour the globe for the idlest threat of the week that was. Of course, by the panel of judges, I really just mean me. And, by the globe, I really just mean the Internet. I also believe it's important to point out that any talk of Internet begins and ends with Britney Spears. Who for six of the last seven years has been the term most searched when folks sit down at their computer and use the greatest power of our century to learn more about about the subject they are most interested.

Between the surprise election results coming out of Iowa, and the nearing conclusions of both the college and pro football seasons, the end of this week was a busy and news-filled one. In response, Britney decided to completely lose it during a child custody kerfuffle, and then managed to get herself strapped to a gurney and carted from her own home by medical professionals. Britney grinned maniacally all the way to Cedars-Sinai.

Her breakdown produced the type of photos and copy that would completely dominate a slow week. But, during busy week, it was just Britney successfully marking the Internet -- like a dog would to a fire hydrant.

So let the Tom Bradys and Barack Obamas and pregnant younger sisters have their little fun. There is enough room on the Internet for everyone. But, unlike another famous lady who stumbled badly this week, Britney Spears' air of inevitability is still very much in tact. If there is one thing I will predict for 2008, it is that by the end of the year it will still be Britney who browsers of the Internet are most fascinated with. And all who would attempt to challenge Britney's digital throne have won the Idle Threat of the Week for December 31st to January 6th.

If you were wondering, Britney was released from the hospital on Saturday. Right into the arms of a waiting Dr. Phil.

Other Spears pregnant -- and not by John Edwards

For the last couple days there have been swirling whispers concerning Jamie-Lynn Spears, the Nickelodeon actress and 16-year-old sister of famous troubled person Britney Spears, and being pregnant. Unlike similar chatter surrounding mega-popular tween triple threat Miley Cyrus the Jamie-Lynn rumors have turned out to be true.

It is no surprise that in a culture which hypes the social significance of movies such as Knocked Up and Juno, and breathlessly details the latest status of J-lo's "baby bump," the kids would want to try it to. And what else is a teenager to do when Guitar Hero 3 is sold out in stores? Jamie-Lynn met her 19-year-old baby-daddy to be at church.

I always think it's weird when celebrities have kids because it makes them seem so much like people. But, as more and more of our youngest stars find themselves with child, we will get to learn how early motherhood effects those who grew up with agents and tutors. Will it make them more or less likely to morph into tabloid selling trainwrecks with world famous vaginas? Luckily for us we be allowed to see this fascinating question for our time answered in real time. That I can guarantee.

(Speaking of surprising pregnancies, you may start hearing more and more about a woman named Rielle Hunter. This was my take on her a couple months ago.)

The results are in and Britney wins again

Each year, in the beginning of December, Yahoo! provides a report on the annum's top searches. This year the Internet service company has abstained from providing a list of top overall searches, instead offering up only top ten lists in narrow categories such as News Stories, Environmental Searches and Celebrity Downslides.

I can only speculate that this is a misguided attempt to class up the Internet by implying there could be as many people searching for information on recycling as there are looking for images of Paris Hilton's Hilton's vagina.

But it doesn't fool me, and I noticed the Celebrity Downslide list most resembles last year's top ten overall list. So, like I did in '06, I will analyze these results, and assess each searched term's prospect for search engine success in '08.

10. Owen Wilson
In 2007 it was revealed that Owen Wilson is a tragic clown, as a half-hearted suicide attempt stripped all the sheen from the Butterscotch Stallion's happy-go-lucky veneer. Expect Wilson to rebound in 2008 by appearing in quirky film roles opposite Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller. Also expect critics to finally recognize the existential pain Wilson brings to his seemingly flimsy characters. While it's doubtful he ends '08 on any top ten search lists, Wilson's chance for Oscar gold has increased exponentially.

9. Michael Vick
The bleeding heart and the crazy-marriage-proposal-lady will walk with the human murderer, but the canine killer walks alone. Vick learned this the hard way in 2007. Since he will likely be in prison, his '08 search engine prospects are bleak.

8. Tara Conner
For whatever reason, Yahoo! doesn't recognize the parameters of the Gregorian Calender. Which is why disgraced beauty queen Conner, whose cocaine-addled promiscuity made news in December of '06, makes the '07 top ten list. Although I've advocated hard for Tara's further ubiquity in the past, I will now concede she has been out of the spotlight for too long for an easy comeback. At this point, it would probably take a "leaked" sex tape. And by that I mean a shockingly explicit one, perhaps involving another more famous person or a snake.

7. Rosie O'Donnell
I don't pay a whole lot of attention to Rosie, so I wasn't even aware that in 2007 she "backslid." But I do think Internet user's fascination with Rosie is a historic victory for women everywhere of a certain weight and voice type.

6. Amy Winehouse
If you have Amy Winehouse in your office's "who will die next" pool, it's time to start thinking about who you are going to spend that 50 dollar gift certificate to TGI Friday's on. Where Winehouse ends up on '08's list depends solely on what else is going on during the week she meets the big crack dealer in the sky.

5. Nicole Richie
I'm a little surprised to see Richie so high, as I thought anorexia and terrible driving were becoming passe. The only way I see Richie repeating this position in 2008 is in the unlikely event she gets her hands on a 18-wheeler or an airplane.

4. Vanessa Anne Hudgens
I'd never heard of the Disney star until she forgot her clothes on her way to storming the Internet. Former Disney stars Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were able to achieve web fame before they flashed their ladyparts. The fact Hudgens had to reverse that order is a commentary on our times.

3. Anna Nicole Smith
If she returns it's only at number one.

2. Paris Hilton
Having already done the prison thing and the sex tape thing, Paris needs to come up with a new shtick to keep the clicks coming in the coming year. There will be an election in 2008, and Paris isn't averse to getting attention by canoodling with prominent people. My God, I hope she picks Hillary.

1. Britney Spears
A five-time former winner of Yahoo's now retired "most overall searched" distinction, Britney brought it again in 2007. Spears proves crazy isn't static, and will adjust elegantly to life changes, such as new motherhood and divorce. Although I don't think Britney will stray too far from her '07 formula of drunken sex, chocolate cake and child neglect, I do expect Britney to repeat as champion in 2008.

Rotem's choice

It was recently reported Britney Spears keeps in her home a double locked "fantasy room," fully equipped with whips, ticklers, rubber costumes and the like. It was also recently reported Britney may be pregnant.

As for who the baby's daddy might be, so far focus has been on South Africa-born record producer J.R. Rotem. And so far Rotem has both confirmed and denied involvement in the alleged fetus.

His indecision is completely justified. Hundreds of thousands of years of evolution teach the male Homo Sapien that you run as far and as fast as you can upon the first word you may have knocked up a completely insane mother-of-two who owns a sex dungeon.

But it's not that easy for J.R. Instead of pumping gas, Kevin Federline, Spears's last impregnator, gets to appear on the cover of second-rate magazines and has probably secured a lifetime pass to appear on any celebrity reality show he wants. And, increasingly, magazine covers and reality TV stardom are most cherished outcomes for people of all stripes.

So let's call it "Rotem's Choice." And we should give him his time. For the decision he makes could very well signal the direction of humanity.

Praying is a responsibility and isn't for everyone

This season, the hot new trend in prayer is praying for celebrities. Or so says the Hollywood Prayer Network, a group of more than 5,000 Christians who get down on their knees for the well-being of stars ranging from Britney Spears to Dakota Fanning.

Now I'm firmly on record as stating celebrities are better and more important than the rest of us. In the past I've also advocated that famous people shouldn't have to pay taxes. But even I draw the line at praying for celebs.

The truth is, with their dramatic nature and legendary egocentrism, celebrities are ideally suited for praying really hard on their own behalf and/or getting their assistant to pray really hard for them.

And anyone who thinks prayer doesn't already play a large role in the fast-paced Hollywood lifestyle has obviously never spent time in a bathroom stall at Hyde, trying to keep their heart from jumping out of their chest, after eating one too many of the pills that French guy who was hanging out with Owen Wilson gave them.

Look, I know history posits praying for the poor and downtrodden is a monumental waste of time. Just like I know that in this era of slash-and-burn politics it's tough to invest intercessory energy on any of our seemingly irredeemable leaders. I can also see how this is all beginning to pose a problem for the busybody who can't just pray for their friends and family like a normal person.

But praying for Britney? Come now. If nothing else, she would never pray for you. Unless you happen to be a bag of Cheetos or a milkshake.

Idle threat of the week

Last week the legal bureaucracy of Los Angeles was all about deciding who gets to keep Ellen Degeneres's dog and Britney Spears's kids.

But the tales of a lesbian, separated from the pooch she had already discarded, pale in comparison to the human -- or any other species -- drama of a mother being ripped from her young children.

Britney will have to cede either 70 or 100 percent of little Sean Preston and Jayden James's custody to her ex-husband.

While it is always difficult for a woman to lose a custody battle to a man -- especially when that man is public ne-er-do-well Kevin Federline -- Britney was able to pull off the trick with an array of parental sins ranging from naked drug use to neglecting her progeny's dental hygiene.

Britney has the opportunity to get back into the good graces of the courts, and regain some alone time with her kids, by submitting to bi-weekly drug tests and attending parenting class.

Let's say she doesn't -- and there is nothing in her recent biography to suggest that she will. Britney might lose her two current children, but, at 25, she has the resources and the opportunity to knock out at least ten more of them. Given her history of mixing her professional life with pleasure, it will likely be a brood fathered by a motley parade of drug dealers, bodyguards and pizza delivery boys.

Which is why the court's well-intentioned attempt to force Britney Spears to clean up her act is the idle threat of the week for October 15-21.

Although the damage that could be done by a Britney scorned -- and her hyperactive uterus -- constitutes a very real threat indeed.

Britney as a nimble fingered Indoneisan child

To tie together a couple VMA subplots and make us all think, today noted social commentator Kayne West has accused MTV of not only failing to concern itself with black people but of "exploiting" an unprepared, unstable (and Caucasian) Britney Spears.

There is no arguing the effectiveness of the Viacom owned entity's use of the singer -- despite being universally nominated for the worst three plus hours of television programming in the history of Western civilization, the 2007 version of the VMA's were the highest rated since 2003. Yes the same year the station that used to play music videos "exploited" Britney into sharing a lesbian themed kiss with Madonna.

But did Kayne actually, literally mean what he said? I think not. A wise but subversive thinker such as West surely knows the best way to combat annoying and overused words is to employ them in ways which render them meaningless.

My only complaint with the recording artist's strategy is he stopped so arbitrarily at exploited, when he could have so easily took on other favorites of the dramatic and the morose. Oppressed, tragedy and atrocity come to mind, and I'm sure with Kayne's verbal dexterity and yen for pointed absurdity he could have used them all in a discussion of improperly chilled back stage bottled water.

Idle threat of the week

Having been in a news blackout the last couple days, I completely missed the MTV music video awards. I read that Tommy Lee and Kid Rock had some sort of sissy slap fight over rapidly aging lab creation Pamela Anderson and that Kayne West, after losing in all the categories he was nominated, threw his own hissy fit and suggested MTV's ambivalence towards black people rivaled that of his old foil George W. Bush.

But the big news was the comeback attempt of Britney Spears. Britney decided the best way to distract people from her poorly disguised lip syncing was to appear barely clothed and a little heavier than usual. The strategy worked wonders. Unfortunately most critics didn't see it for its genius, and compared Britney's less than svelte physique to lard. Totally unfair to lard, which, unlike the new Britney, has pretty good rhythm. (Take out the sub woofer and try it out sometime.)

Seriously though, while I'm not going to pretend Britney's performance was anything less than awful, she still looked better than 99 percent of the world's population would in a shiny black two piece.

I know it's part of Britney job to be in shape and sexy, and to call her out on not being all she could be on those fronts -- fair enough. Especially when she was the one who insisted on such a revealing outfit.

But the next time a person, place or trend spotter tries to claim that anything more than thin is in, remember what they said about Britney after the 2007 VMA's.

It's probably a good thing, because if Britney with an extra 15 pounds freaks people out so much imagine how upset they would become if we started parading normal shaped people on stage. Luckily, I think it's now safe to say, we can call the chance of that ever happening the idle threat of the week for September 3rd to 9th.

Spears to be first white trash Attorney General

With dog-killing running quarterback Michael Vick copping a plea and finding Jesus, and kitten-drugging junkie singer Pete Doherty now assigned to some sort of criminal supervision, I would have thought we would be done with stories about celebrities abusing pets until at least September.

But over the weekend Britney Spears kept the man-beast love going by getting herself investigated by the SPCA for dog abuse. Furthermore, proving the axiom that those who abuse their pets go on to to even more serious forms of maltreatment, yesterday we got word Britney is also being investigated by the L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services for child abuse.

Of course these are just allegations, and nowhere in the vague charges do we see ominous phrases such as "rape stand," or "whetting down and then electrocuting."

Still, if it is proven Spears abuses dogs and children -- and we already know she has abused our eardrums and many a pint of Ben and Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream -- what could there possibly be left for Britney to abuse?

My sources tell me George W. Bush, in a strident kiss off to his critics, will on Friday name Britney Spears as the next Attorney General of the United States. Freeing the former pop princess to abuse our Constitution and our democracy in more or less the same way way that critics have been hysterically claiming her predecessors did.

A recess appointment, Spears will make an immediate splash by declaring martial law in an attempt to lock down our nation's supply of Cheetos.

However Britney will emerge from her long bellyache with a more humble agenda, and the rest of her term will be marked by nonsensical blog posts on the Department of Justice website and unprecedented cabinet-level use of the contraction "y'all." The republic will survive as it always does.

Idle threat of the week

Regular readers have probably already noticed, but I've given the panel of judges the summer off. It's the least I can do for the service they perform, anonymously, at their own expense. Although finding a suitable idle threat of week all by myself is a difficult task. Especially in the summer months, when people are more likely to be lounging on the beach than making threats with no validity.

Luckily the intellectual delusions of the public is a year round affair. How else can you explain this survey, which finds 87 percent of respondents claim celebrity scandals receive "too much coverage" and, among those who do, the majority blames the media -- and the media alone -- for this perceived over-saturation?

Don't these poll responders realize, in these days of Tivo and click counters, news organization have a fairly good idea of the stories people are actually paying attention to? And that, in this new media landscape, advertising dollars aren't going to endlessly follow the stories people think they should be paying attention to?

If anyone should be unhappy with "legitimate" media's incursion into the life and times of Lindsay Lohan it should be me. While I would like to be the first place everyone goes for the latest updates and sharpest insight into the troubled actress, how can I compete when Slate is offering a 500 person focus group as part of their analysis of her exploits?

Anyway, if you really are the type of person (I'm sure there are a few) who doesn't care about how crazy Britney Spears is, how would you even know the extent to which she is being covered? Because if you truly had no interest you would, at first glimpse of her bald head, immediately switch channels, click onto a different web site, or move to another section of the paper. This migration takes all of a matter of seconds. Trust me, I make it every time I come across anything about "health care."

For threatening to pawn their Paris Hilton obsession off on the evil fourth estate, a plurality of the American public wins idle threat of the week for July 30th to August 5th. Not only that, they owe the media apology. Your precious water cooler wouldn't be such a refuge if you had to talk about war and politics all the time. And, thanks to the mass media, there is finally something that all Americans can agree on: Paris Hilton is a skank.

As Paris returns to prison, JSB ponders infinity

I think it's safe to say the three queens of pop culture are Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Since I often cover pop culture on this space, I end up spending a lot time writing about the slutty triumvirate. I don't mind writing about Lindsay -- in fact I find her fascinating. I'm more neutral on Britney. As for Paris, every time I type her name I die a little bit inside.

Maybe that's because Lindsay is a legitimately talented actress, and Britney was a perfectly passable pop singer, while Paris has no discernible talent and, in my opinion, isn't particularly attractive, sexy or less than completely evil.

Anyway, in times like these, you have to write about Paris because she is where it's at. My favorite message board post to any Paris story that is prominently positioned on a mainstream media website is "why are you writing about Paris Hilton WHEN THERE IS A WAR IN IRAQ!!!"

This comment has always made laugh because, due to the virtually unlimited bandwidth of the Internet, it is possible to cover all sorts of stories at once. So scroll down and get your Iraq war fix, dolt.

That's not even why it's funny anymore. I think it's safe to say, by any legitimate measure of significance, Paris Hilton is now more important then the Iraq war or the presidential campaign or global warming or anything else the shrill message board ombudsmen whine for more coverage of.

Answer this: Can any of those "important" stories simultaneously shut down the news cycle and make a complete mockery of our criminal justice system -- all the while screaming for their mother like a spoiled five year old deprived of pie? I think not.

Paris is big. Bigger than the geographical Paris. Probably bigger than France. Maybe bigger than Japan. So big it hurts my head to think about it. The same way it hurts when I ponder the universe.

So I've given up. I now just accept Paris for what she is. Something I will never understand. Something that looms above and about us all. And, ultimately, something that gives me comfort.

*Yup, that's the grainy photo currently on the front page of every newspaper website in the world.

** Speaking of that photo, it turns out it was taken by Nick Ut -- the same guy who took the super famous Pulitzer Prize winning naked running napalmed Vietnamese girl photo, almost 35 years ago to the day. As a witness to history, the dude's like Forrest Gump!

Britney plays it smart and svelte

Miraculously shedding years of motherhood, cheetos, high risk behavior and self pity, last week Britney Spears shocked the world by appearing trim and attractive from multiple camera angles.

Everybody wondered what was up. Well the procedure, which is just beginning to catch on in America, is called lipodissolve. It's like liposuction but instead of sucking the fat out of the body the doctor basically shoots a kind of fat melting acid into the body. It has been described as the "greatest discovery in cosmetic medicine since botox." Judging by those Britney photos and reecalling what she looked like a month ago it may surpass botox yet.

What else was up was Britney was in the midst preparing for a comeback. It kicked off last night in San Diego with a "surprise" concert at the House of Blues. Britney performed for between 12 and 16 minutes, depending on who you asked, and definitely lip sank every word that wasn't "hello San Diego."

Some have argued this brevity constitutes a rip off to the fans who paid as much 500 dollars a ticket. But what was she supposed to to do? Britney wasn't selling an album -- she hasn't released new music in four years -- and has only between 12 to 16 minutes of good material in her catalogue.

I think Britney is on to something. Svelte bodies and svelte set lists are where it's at. Especially for pop singers who are known more for the way they look than for how they sound. Let the haters hate. And then make them listen to all of In The Zone.