Idle threat of the week

At this time last year, I was forced to resentfully pay attention to the happenings of some bicycle race. I had to because of Lance Armstrong's legacy of strength through yellow rubber bracelet wearing, and because another American, Floyd Landis, was wildly falling out of and climbing back into the lead.

Well that all ended in drug accusations, hypocrisy, misunderstandings and the shaming of a liar Mennonite -- just like any tour of old Europe will inevitably come to a close. And I thought "good riddance," because bicycles are meant to entertain children or the Dutch, not to be raced around at high speeds in competition.

This year, with no high profile Americans participating in the Tour de France, I was able to ponder a question first posed by the mysterious disappearance of the once prominent America's Cup boat race: If an already shaky "sporting" event takes place and no Americans are in contention does it really exist?

The answer is barely. There was enough of a flicker for me to recognize that whenever someone grabbed the Tour's lead, or became the favorite, he was quickly exposed as a cheat and booted from the race. But not enough clarity for me to remember the names of these people or what exactly they did wrong.

Although I assume it had something to do with doping. Meaning nobody learned anything from last year's debacle. And all the public hearings and regulatory saber rattling that followed Landis's -- who is still officially last year's Tour de France winner -- positive drug test only amounted to the Idle Threat of the Week for July 23-29.

Proving, while cycling struggles to produce clean champions, it punches way above its sporting weight when it comes to providing idle threats to this space.

Idle threat of the week

Something one has to consider, when making threats, is that the same threat will have a different effect on different people. This is especially true when dealing in blackmail.

Cyclist Floyd Landis, who in last summer's Tour de France surprised with his come-from-behind grit and then disappointed with his positive drug test, found this out the hard way last week during his public arbitration hearing with the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency.

Prior to the hearing Landis had a little heart-to-heart with another famous American cyclist, three-time tour winner Greg LeMond. During their conversations LeMond tried to impress upon Landis the danger of keeping secrets (ie, not confessing to his doping) by relaying a story from LeMond's own life: He had been sexually abused as a child and had kept that experience largely hidden, to negative psychological effects.

The day before LeMond was to be called to testify before the arbitration panel in the Landis hearing, he received a mysterious phone call in which a male voice pretending to be LeMond's uncle claimed he would also be at the hearing tomorrow and just might "talk about how we used to perform a sexual act."

Implication being watch what you say or else. Because a number had shown up on the caller ID it only took minimal amount of investigation for LeMond to figure out the call had come from Landis's business manager.

By equating his sexual abuse with Landis's doping secret, LeMond had tipped that he was already considering going public with his painful past. And go public was what he did the next day, when LeMond told the arbitration panel his whole story from his abuse, to telling Landis he should come clean, to the blackmail attempt the night before.

Landis's business manager confessed making the call and was fired later that day. Yet the damage to Landis was already done. Now it was on record that LeMond was of the opinion Landis is a cheat, as were the creepy lengths to which the Landis camp was prepared to go to make their client appear innocent.

Dark childhood secrets are often an effective, if unscrupulous, subject for blackmail. But because Landis's business manager didn't fully consider the context of LeMond's revelation, his blackmail attempt proved feeble and damaging. Although it does capture idle threat of the week for May 14 to 20. Which is an award that never requires its winners to piss in a cup.

Landis's only way out

I'm generally not a big fan of conspiracy theories. At best they are dubious, at worst pathetic. I'm also inclined to believe that world-class athletes, even the "good guys," are capable of cheating when they believe everyone else around them is cheating.

Obviously I am highly skeptical of Tour de France winner-for-now Floyd Landis's scattershot doping denials, and turned off by his claims there is an "agenda" against him.

Yet, it still confuses me why he only tested positive for testosterone once, and exactly what advantage he would have gained by shooting testosterone the day before his epic Tour comeback since, apparently, testosterone doesn't work that quickly.

Landis's terrible excuses could be a result of someone who is truly baffled by what is going on. Especially when contrasted with sprinter Justin Gatlin's calculated insistence that a bitter massage therapist set him up by rubbing testosterone cream on him. (Not only is this highly unlikely, but it paints a disturbing mental image.)

What I would like to hear from Landis are the words "lie detector test."

I know polygraphs are only about 80 percent accurate and have no legal relevance. But, as a general rule, when a person is accused of something he knows he didn't do he starts screaming for the lie detector right off the bat. That's the first thing the guys in the Duke lacrosse scandal did, and that's why I knew from the beginning there was something fishy going on in Durham.

Unless Landis goes on TV and demands a public polygraph test I'm going to assume he's a cheat. Once he does I'll be on his side -- until he inevitably fails that polygraph test.

Floyd Landis -- the shaming begins

Maybe it's a Mennonite thing, but I don't think Arlene Landis is going to be winning any mother-of-the-year awards for her reaction to her Tour de France winning son Floyd's shocking but not-so-shocking positive test for an illegal level of testosterone. According to the Associated Press:

Floyd Landis' mother, Arlene, said she wouldn't blame her son if he was taking medication to treat his hip pain, but "if it's something worse than that, then he doesn't deserve to win."

"I know that this is a temptation to every rider, Arlene added, "but I'm not going to jump to conclusions. It disappoints me."

At least she gave him the glimmer of a hint of the benefit of doubt. With support like that from his own mother, it's no wonder Floyd Landis has gone into hiding.

It needs to pointed out that testing for testosterone is notoriously inaccurate. In the past, most cyclists who have appealed their positive testosterone readings have gotten the results reversed.

It also needs to be pointed out that any time a cyclist passes a drug test it only means he is good at cheating.

Fun Fact: Mennonites usually stay away from such brightly colored attire, but they have a sweet tooth. The founders and namesakes of both Hersheys and Smuckers were Mennonites.

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Guilt and the bicycle race

Until Tuesday an American named Floyd Landis was leading the Tour de France. I was trying my hardest to ignore this because it is a bicycle race.

The past seven summers I've been forced to follow Lance Armstrong and his exploits. It's not like I was waking up early in the morning and finding the Outdoor Life Network on my dial, but each day I'd dutifully check up on Armstrong's time and become worried when he wasn't enough minutes ahead of his key rivals. He always ended up winning, which was nice. But I couldn't help but feeling bullied into caring and then there was the guilt of being a wimp in the face of the Lance Armstrong hype machine.

In retrospect, I feel even worse because the more I see of Lance the more I think he is a huge jerk (as many elite athletes in individual-oriented sports are.)

Although he did have that great beating-cancer story.

The Armstrong cancer story was actually what made Floyd Landis even harder to dismiss. Armstrong might have beat full-blown cancer, but Landis has something called Osteonercrosis in his hip. This means his hip bone is dying. It extremely painful, and because of drug-testing he can't take the pain killers typically prescribed for this condition while he is racing. When he is not on his bicycle he can barely walk.

While Armstrong was an inspiration to every one who had or has had cancer, the only difference between Armstrong and the other cyclists was his missing testicle -- which should have been an advantage because the fewer testicles the better whenever a bicycle seat is involved.

Landis, on the other hand, was engaging in an athletic activity with only one good hip. Osteonercrosis was what forced the great athletic know-it-all Bo Jackson to stop performing.

So why weren't people paying more attention to Landis? Why wasn't I paying more attention to Landis?

Again, the silly bicycle race had brought me guilt.

I started paying attention to Landis Tuesday. He promptly rewarded my interest by suffering one of the biggest collapses in recent tour history, falling from leader and favorite to a distant 11th. I was off the hook. No more bicycle race for me.

His collapse also proves it is much easier ride a bicycle with one ball than with one hip.

Returning a certain logic to the world.

Update 5:14. Boy did I speak too soon. Landis is on the verge of one of the bigger comebacks in tour history. Just when I thought I was out . . .