For every season . . .

Last December I was kind enough to predict ten news stories for 2007. Some have come to be, some might still, and some will not. Yesterday one of my prognostications hit its mark when Lindsay Lohan turned 21.

Given her lifestyle, it was no slam dunk that she would enter her 22nd year, but Lindsay eased into her big day with a month and a half of rehab. The flip side to this cautious maneuver is that instead of something innovative, like a group sex tape or the mainlining of Ajax, the highlight of a birthday spent boringly with her family and a few friends was a brand new iPhone.

This dull passage of time ceremony reminds us that Lindsay is just one speedball or religious awakening away from leaving a great void in the Internet. And that's not even getting into the fact she is aging at rate between that of a normal person and Robin Williams in a creepy manchild movie.

Luckily, the experts say, there may be another young Long Island-born former child star actress/singer waiting in the ranks to replace Lindsay if something terrible should happen. Her name in Hayden Panettiere and, unless you watch the show Heros, you probably don't know who she is.

Hayden, who was number six on FHM's list of the sexiest woman of 2007, has an older reality TV star boyfriend, enjoys the nightlife and is quite photogenic. She is especially fond of being photographed licking a variety of different objects that aren't usually licked.

Panettiere turns 18 next month. That means come August, by some mostly imaginary barrier of self-regulation that the Internet doesn't even really follow because it is already full of pictures of Panettiere suggestively tonguing really odd things, Hayden will be able to be covered with the same all-access vigor the Lohans of the world are blessed with.

It would be awesome if the Interent had two out-of-control hot young actresses from Long Island to help power it. Not only that, it would mean, like with kidneys, if one of them were to fail we would still be OK.

If only it had been a top 50 list

Sadly I didn't make the cut for this year's Forbes list of top 25 web celebrities. On the bright side, I'm still in the fairly unique position of having actually heard of almost half of them.

Snap judgement: Bill Simmons on the TV

It has become vogue, among espn.com's Bill Simmons's 18-35 male demographic, to say or write something along the lines of "The Sports Guy used to be great and he got me into writing/blogging/fantasy football/David Ortiz/Texas hold 'em/the OC, but now he sucks and just recycles old columns."

To drive this point home a write your very own Sports Guy Column generator is floating around the Internet. It's kind of a reverse Mad-libs deal and, if you have about 15 minutes, it works surprisingly well.

While I agree Simmons tends to touch on the same themes and uses the same format over and over he is also burdened with having about five years of intensely scrutinized about-weekly "8000" word columns. (Another of his not-so charming attributes is he rarely gets through a longer-column without a bragging reference to its massive word count.)

Despite his volume and repetitions, I continue to read almost every word Simmons writes, still think his ability to mix sports and pop-culture is second to none and remain surprised when one of his columns doesn't make me laugh aloud a few times.

But there has been something eating me about Simmons lately: He continues to offer Bill Simmons the man, not the talented writer, as a male etiquette expert in situations like a fantasy football draft, a blackjack table, a night at the bar, a relationship etc. Yet, I don't think he has ever made the case that he is worthy of handing down these Miss Manner-like scoldings to the less-socialized.

What makes Bill Simmons unusual among "celebrity sports columnists" is he almost never appears on television. The only time I have seen him on TV was one of those VH1 I Love the (insert the decade) programs. He was just on screen for about ten seconds and I don't remember what he commented on. Either his clip was shot in a studio with different lighting than all the other commentators or the CRT radiation from the monitor he has been sitting in front for the last decade has rendered his skin translucent, because he appeared as hair floating ten inches above a headless body.

I would have thought his move from Boston to LA a few years ago and his affiliation with late-night host Jimmy Kimmel would have produced more TV appearances but, so far, none that I know of.

So it was with great anticipation I watched Bill Simmons' appearance on the Colbert Report last night. Would he be the comfortable-in-his-own-shoes man's man he suggests in print or the squeaky-voiced geek many suspect he is in person?

So excited was I for the prospect of an answer to this transcendent question I put post-it's stating "Comedy Central" and "11:30" all over my apartment to neutralize my habit of forgetting to do things I fully intend on doing.

My was I disappointed. Not in Simmons, but in the interview as a vehicle to solve the Bill Simmons' mystery. It was only couple minutes long and Colbert, as is his act, spoke over Simmons the whole time.

Simmons' hue was more normal. His voice was a little squeaky, but he did speak confidently. When he was able to complete a thought -- he offered an anecdote about Bush throwing out the first pitch in Yankee stadium after 9/11, there was the obligatory discussion of Red Sox nation, and a quick suggestion of how to improve USA Basketball -- he was mildly insightful. Yet nothing was revealed or solved.

Although I fully expect a 8000 word report next week, complete with a checklist of how to behave as a guest on a talk show.

Lonelygirl15 revealed

A few weeks ago I was thinking about doing a post on the internet phenomenon that is Lonelygirl15: The allegedly 16 year-old home-schooled prisoner of her room who bewitched millions of Youtube viewers with a serialization of videos displaying her good looks, precious fascination with science and the most expressive eyebrows this side of Jack Nicholson.

I was going to state that anybody who thought "Bree" was really who she claimed-- it seemed there was a 50/50 split among Lonelygirl fans -- had drunk the weakest Koolaid ever poured.

Not that Lonelygirl15 wasn't a charming way to spend a minute-and-a-half (see for yourself,) but she blatantly comes off as a twenty-something actress who looks young enough to play 16. Also, the whole premise that her religious parents, who wouldn't let her go to a high school with lockers and other people, would allow the supposedly older "Danielbeast" to bring his video camera into her room every day and then close the door behind him is ridiculous.

Then there were the high-quality production values. But with the professional-level software readily available these days I guess it could be possible that a technically clever teenager would be able to pull them off.

The reason I previously passed on doing a Lonelygirl post was I didn't think anyone who read jsb would have had any idea who Lonelygirl15 is.

Although The New York Times proved as obsessed with her as were her legion of dorky teenage disciples, featuring post after Lonelygirl post on their internet video blog. (Which I don't think you can get delivered to you in the morning.)

It was through the New York Times I learned about Lonelygirl15, and it was through the New York Times I learned I was among those correct in finding the whole thing an absurd, if effective, marketing campaign for something to be disclosed later.

At about 10 o'clock last night, in a page placement analogous to how The Drudge Report treats a threatening weather system, the New York Times website declared that Lonelygirl15 was, in fact, a professional actress. A mystery solved when photos of "Bree" not locked in her bedroom, and doing actressy things were discovered on the internet.

It was all an attempt to get a movie deal.

And I'm sure they will land deal of some sort. But, buyer beware, as the movie Snakes on Plane proved, and the political campaign Ned Lamont is proving, being a web phenomenon doesn't translate into being a real phenomenon.

Even with an endorsement from the New York Times.