Snap judgement: The K-Man's apology

Michael Richards, the actor who played Kramer on the legendary sitcom Seinfeld, got himself in hot water over the weekend for an out-of-control, tourette-like racial tirade (NSFW) against two black audience members who had been heckling him during a comedy club appearance.

This triggered our latest national obsession: The apology demand. Whether it stems from a verbal attack on a different ethnic group or a slur against the intelligence of our troops, nothing unites the nation (or the nation's press and chattering class) more than forcing a boldface name to confess his verbal sins and throw himself at the mercy of a judging public.

While I must confess I don't really care if Richards apologizes or not, I was very interested in how he would go about apologizing. As an actor, Richards is known for making strange choices with his characters. Would the same hold true for his apologies?

The answer is yes -- and delightfully so. Others may disagree, but I've already elevated Richard's performance last night on Letterman to the gold standard of celebrity apologies, for the following reasons:

Timing: News of the weekend tirade broke at about 9 AM on Monday. By late afternoon Richards was taping his apology on Letterman. It helped that his close friend and career-enabler Jerry Seinfeld had already been scheduled as Monday's Late Show guest. That's just luck. But no one ever said luck doesn't play a role in a great apology.

Appearance: Because the show Seinfeld remains king of the syndicated re-runs, Michael Richards is still fresh to television audiences. The Richards of ten-plus years ago, that is. Richards has lost hair and weight in the interim. His surprisingly gaunt, balding appearance on Letterman backed up how stressed out and devastated he claimed to be.

Anachronistic racial terminology: During his apology Richards repeatedly refers to blacks as "Afro-Americans." While far short of a racial slur, "Afro-American" is not the kind of language anyone who has consulted a publicist or speechwriter would use. This gave the apology an air of heartfelt sincerity.

Rambling crazy talk: Part of Richard's explanation for how the incident happened is that when he gets on stage he can get out-of-control. So why not throw in a little crazy talk during the apology to drive that point home? I knew what Richards was getting at when he invoked comics helping Katrina victims. But the way he said it didn't make a whole lot of sense.

Volume control: In a move more five-year old than professional actor, Richards speaks louder and louder the more bothered he gets. This effectively infantilizes Richards and makes him seem less responsible for his actions.

A little help from your friends: Michael Richards is not that famous. Jerry Seinfeld is. To have Seinfeld frame the apology, admit he was sick about what Richards said, and tell the world that he still "loved" Richards was highly beneficial. Bonus points for Jerry almost choking up.

Before Seinfeld, Richards was best known for his work with the mysterious prankster Andy Kaufman. While I still think there is a chance this whole thing was a staged event befitting Kaufman's spirit of provocation, last night Richards effectively convinced me he was sorry for something.

Markets to geopolitics "We're just not that into you"

Seinfeld fans will remember an episode from the final season where George's parents cut him loose citing "the breakups, the firings and every Sunday with the calls." While the decision for parents to ditch an adult child -- even an annoying and disappointing one -- should be difficult, in typical Seinfeld fashion George was dropped flippantly and without warning.

The relationship between the world's financial markets and the world's geopolitical landscape isn't exactly like that of parents to a child (or vice verse.) But markets and geopolitics have been linked since they've both existed and get more intertwined as globalization shrinks the world.

I traded a financial market in a past life and remember there was nothing more satisfying than parlaying a global political development into a profitable trade or two.

Yet sometime last week there may have been Costanza family-like moment where the world's financial markets, sick of the world's geopolitical shenanigans, suddenly cut geopolitics loose.

The greatest evidence of this is the improbable drop in the price of oil during week when two men who control 17.5 percent of the world's oil reserve made inflammatory and arguably mentally unbalanced statements at the UN -- with one of them going so far as to literally threaten the price of oil.

There was also a coup in Thailand that barely effected the international currency markets, and serious political instability and street riots in Hungary which had little effect on anything at all.

In the past these type of events have sent markets into a frenzy.

I wonder if this is just a development for the week and, like in an episodic sitcom, things will return back to the way they were with the next broadcast.

Or could it be that markets have finally reached a tipping point and will continue to discount the increasing geopolitical hysterics and hand-wringing of the last couple years because so far they haven't been followed with proof of any actual decline in world-wide stability.

If the latter is the case, it needs to noted that on Seinfeld George tried to win back his parents' attention by threatening to sleep with his cousin. One can only imagine what the geopolitical equivalent of a sex-with-the-cousin threat is.

It can't be pretty.

Niall Ferguson makes half of a similar argument in this column.

The interesting case of Arkansas's Chosen People

In today's New York Times there is a heartwarming tale of a group of Jews summoned to be world domination consulta-I-mean-just-plain executives at Wal-Mart's head-quarters in Bentonville, Arkansas.

Soon enough, the Jews were exposing the wide-eyed locals to latkes, dreidels, yamulkes and the ugliest Synagogue in a very long recorded history. In fact, the local community was so enthralled with the customs of their new neighbors, Bentonville's first Bar Mitvzah in recent memory was broadcast to the whole county. The local DJ's knew little of Bar Mitzvah tradition, but they did know this:

"Jesus was Jewish," one D.J. noted in a dispatch from the reception at a local hotel. The other remarked, "I love Seinfeld."*

This comment hit home because I've had a couple experiences when I've been talking to someone who hasn't come across many (if any) Jews in their life and, upon learning I'm Jewish, has told me how much they like Seinfeld.

I always want to say, "I'll make sure to tell him you do."

But what's interesting about this is not that Seinfeld the man or the show is Jewish. It's that the show Seinfeld is so secular. It's blatantly nihilistic and amoral, yet the characters are lovable, basically good and live by their own well-established code.

The initial knock on Seinfeld was that it would never play in the "heartland." The rest is television history.

I keep hearing, from my fellow secular East Coast elite types, that the country is "getting more and more religious." I've always disagreed with this. I think it's probable that religious people in the country have become more outspoken (in keeping with the look-at-me secular mores of the day) but overall, the country only gets more secular.

If you need any proof, it is that they still enjoy Seinfeld in Benntonville, Arkansas, yet the folks in Jerry and the Gang's old neighborhood were never even into the Left Behind Series.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

*Jesus and Jerry, now those are some quotable Jews.