How will I ever learn to trust again

In case you are still wondering what was going on last weekend with Paris Hilton and the orange robed, gray bearded "Buddhist" she was following around -- and why wouldn't you be? -- I think I have uncovered the definitive answer and it is sort of horrifying.

According to the USA Today, the whole thing was a hoax set up by Ashton Kutcher of Punk'd fame. Only the joke wasn't on Paris; instead it was a part of his new show called Pop Fiction, in which celebrities team up with Kutcher to target paparazzi and gullible media outlets.

The London tabloids, New York Daily News, Los Angeles Times, San Francisco Chronicle and TMZ.com all took the bait on the heiress and the guru episode. But what is really disturbing is a producer of Pop Fiction states there are currently about 20 celebrities in on the joke. Even more ominously this producer claims media outlets have already been duped into reporting other false stories.

Does this mean that Britney isn't crazy? And Anna Nicole Smith is alive somewhere in the Caribbean? And Barack Obama is a cyborg?

Picture of Kutcher's NBA doppelganger has nothing to do with the post, but funny nonetheless.

The results are in and Britney wins again

Each year, in the beginning of December, Yahoo! provides a report on the annum's top searches. This year the Internet service company has abstained from providing a list of top overall searches, instead offering up only top ten lists in narrow categories such as News Stories, Environmental Searches and Celebrity Downslides.

I can only speculate that this is a misguided attempt to class up the Internet by implying there could be as many people searching for information on recycling as there are looking for images of Paris Hilton's Hilton's vagina.

But it doesn't fool me, and I noticed the Celebrity Downslide list most resembles last year's top ten overall list. So, like I did in '06, I will analyze these results, and assess each searched term's prospect for search engine success in '08.

10. Owen Wilson
In 2007 it was revealed that Owen Wilson is a tragic clown, as a half-hearted suicide attempt stripped all the sheen from the Butterscotch Stallion's happy-go-lucky veneer. Expect Wilson to rebound in 2008 by appearing in quirky film roles opposite Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller. Also expect critics to finally recognize the existential pain Wilson brings to his seemingly flimsy characters. While it's doubtful he ends '08 on any top ten search lists, Wilson's chance for Oscar gold has increased exponentially.

9. Michael Vick
The bleeding heart and the crazy-marriage-proposal-lady will walk with the human murderer, but the canine killer walks alone. Vick learned this the hard way in 2007. Since he will likely be in prison, his '08 search engine prospects are bleak.

8. Tara Conner
For whatever reason, Yahoo! doesn't recognize the parameters of the Gregorian Calender. Which is why disgraced beauty queen Conner, whose cocaine-addled promiscuity made news in December of '06, makes the '07 top ten list. Although I've advocated hard for Tara's further ubiquity in the past, I will now concede she has been out of the spotlight for too long for an easy comeback. At this point, it would probably take a "leaked" sex tape. And by that I mean a shockingly explicit one, perhaps involving another more famous person or a snake.

7. Rosie O'Donnell
I don't pay a whole lot of attention to Rosie, so I wasn't even aware that in 2007 she "backslid." But I do think Internet user's fascination with Rosie is a historic victory for women everywhere of a certain weight and voice type.

6. Amy Winehouse
If you have Amy Winehouse in your office's "who will die next" pool, it's time to start thinking about who you are going to spend that 50 dollar gift certificate to TGI Friday's on. Where Winehouse ends up on '08's list depends solely on what else is going on during the week she meets the big crack dealer in the sky.

5. Nicole Richie
I'm a little surprised to see Richie so high, as I thought anorexia and terrible driving were becoming passe. The only way I see Richie repeating this position in 2008 is in the unlikely event she gets her hands on a 18-wheeler or an airplane.

4. Vanessa Anne Hudgens
I'd never heard of the Disney star until she forgot her clothes on her way to storming the Internet. Former Disney stars Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were able to achieve web fame before they flashed their ladyparts. The fact Hudgens had to reverse that order is a commentary on our times.

3. Anna Nicole Smith
If she returns it's only at number one.

2. Paris Hilton
Having already done the prison thing and the sex tape thing, Paris needs to come up with a new shtick to keep the clicks coming in the coming year. There will be an election in 2008, and Paris isn't averse to getting attention by canoodling with prominent people. My God, I hope she picks Hillary.

1. Britney Spears
A five-time former winner of Yahoo's now retired "most overall searched" distinction, Britney brought it again in 2007. Spears proves crazy isn't static, and will adjust elegantly to life changes, such as new motherhood and divorce. Although I don't think Britney will stray too far from her '07 formula of drunken sex, chocolate cake and child neglect, I do expect Britney to repeat as champion in 2008.

Death Watch: Castro hopes for death by Bush

Like most Death Watchers, I've been a little down lately. Nobody famous has been dying, or looking near death, and when a borderline well-known person croaks it has always been at an awkward time like a weekend or when I am eating lunch. (Murder suicides and professionals wrestlers? That's just gross.)

But I think much of our collective malaise stems from the aftermath of Anna Nicole Smith's passing. During those three glorious and confusing weeks of court rulings autopsies and embalming, our expertise in the death game was coveted like never before. Suddenly society valued our work like they would that of a psychic or one of those pop culture pundits who give witty commentary on VH1's celebreality programming.

When you've been so high it's difficult to come back down, and that's what we've all been dealing with. On the bright side, we still have Castro.

It's been 11 months since the Cuban President has been seen in public but, judging from his prodigious letter writing output, he still has many of his faculties. In his latest missive he turns the death watch cross hairs onto himself and speculates that he has so far survived at least "650" assassination attempts.

Most notably he accuses the current President Bush of being responsible for more than a few of these efforts. Castro even implies (but gives no evidence) that Bush was planning hits on him even before he reached the White House.

That claim in itself isn't so far-fetched. As we all know, killing people has been a consistent hallmark of Bush's entire career in public service, not just during his time as President. But, by the same token, Bush has never been one to be shy or sneaky about his plans to end a life. It's safe to say if Bush wants you dead he has already told the world of his intent, or has actually killed you, or has failed in his attempt to kill you, but significantly lowered the property values in your neighborhood.

Since Castro bears none of the markings of Bush's lethal interest, the chances are Bush has not ordered any hits on Castro. Which must be a bitter pill for the longtime dictator to swallow. Especially considering that, in Castro's heyday, he was getting legitimate assassination heat from American Presidents far more reticent about killing.

Getting old is tough. A death watcher knows this better than anyone. Getting old is even tougher when you are a firebrand agitator of one of the few communist countries left in the world but, in your diminished capacity, you can't get the most trigger-happy US President in recent history to make you a martyr.

"Titled" Eurotrash strikes back

The "prince" who obtained his title in a back moat deal in Germany, before taking his shtick to America, is back at it.

Upon his arrival Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, a masseur by trade, skillfully made himself Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband number nine, and then endured almost two decades without a hint of media attention. That all ended when the "prince" injected himself in the Anna Nicole Smith baby daddy sweepstakes -- many say for the purpose of drumming up a story for the European tabloids.

Von Anhalt's bold move may have pleased his benefactors, but it raised the ire of American shout show king Bill O'Reilly who, during an on-air rant, angrily labeled Von Anhalt a "fraud" for suggesting paternity .

The "prince" responded by taking a page from the Keith Olbermann guide to raising one's profile and has slapped O'Reilly with a ten million dollar defamation lawsuit.

Since O'Reilly's strong opinions often escape his filter before rational thought can do its thing, the talk show host has probably defamed, in the true sense of the word, hundreds of people. Although defamation is almost impossible to prove in a court of law -- especially in cases where the "defamer" has his facts straight.

As the Anna Nicole Smith paternity saga moves into its second month so, it appears, is the seemingly simple task of matching DNA.

Anna Nicole strikes a blow for women's lib

It took 22 days for Anna Nicole Smith to be buried. That's nothing compared to poor James Brown. The Godfather of Soul, who left us with paternity issues of his own, is still being kept in a climate-controlled undisclosed location 75 days after his death.

New evidence suggests the body of Anna Nicole Smith, and the 400 million dollar fortune it holds the secret to, might have been returned to the earth too soon and could be needed above ground for more poking and prodding.

There have been a lot of wild claims on the paternity of Smith's sole living heir. OJ Simpson, he of "slow moving sperm," even chimed in the other day. But what if there was another child?

In a sort of convincing article in the Phoenix New Times, Johnny Soto, a member of the Native American Tohono O'odham nation, claims Anna Nicole Smith is the mother of his five-year old son.

Soto and Smith met when she was taking time out at the Arizona spa where he worked as a maintenance man. One thing led to another and there was a torrid three-month affair full of fried chicken consumption and her demands he kick off of their lovemaking with a "war dance."

Allegedly Smith became pregnant, although she hid it beneath her ever fluctuating weight.

Soto was able to provide a birth certificate with Smith listed as the mother, proof of cashed 10,000 dollar checks Soto claimed Smith sent him monthly for child support, as well as other written correspondences between the two.

The 5-year old Marshall -- named for the family behind the large fortune in question -- does bear a resemblance to his supposed mother, although a skeptic would point out Soto wasn't able to produce photos of himself or his son with Anna Nicole Smith, despite claiming they had a continuing relationship.

Still, if this tale is true, Anna Nicole Smith has struck quite a posthumous blow for women everywhere. No longer can only male celebrities go around wantonly making babies and paying their way out of acknowledgement and child rearing responsibilities. Maybe one day, due to the efforts of this modern day Susan B. Anthony, they will call it a maternity test.

Anna Nicole's trampy ways could make for good TV

Last night body guard/chef Alexander Denk became the fifth person to publicly suggest paternity of Dannielynn, the late Anna Nicole Smith's potentially golden child.

If you are keeping score at home that's Denk, Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, Prince Frederic von Anhalt (not really a prince) and the frozen sperm of long-dead billionaire J. Howard Marshall.

But that's not all. Yesterday we learned Anna Nicole Smith may have been sleeping with Bahamian immigration minister Shane Gibson -- who secured her laser-fast residency on the island nation.

Skin tone and time line might preclude Gibson, but if a fake prince -- who gets paid by the European tabloids to drum up fake stories -- gets consideration, why not a real immigration minister?

Also yesterday, in The Weekly Standard of all places, comedian/actor Larry Miller writes about the time he ran into Anna Nicole while she was on a dinner date with a comically short Arab, who had flown in from Saudi Arabia for one night to take her out and give her a comically large diamond necklace.

I'm sure the Saudi got something out of the visit and, with the price of oil where it's been the last couple years, I bet he's made return trips. I'm throwing him in the mix too.

So now we have Stern, the shyster lawyer; Birkhead, the sensitive photographer; von Anhalt, the faux-titled Eurotrash; Denk, the muscle-bound bodyguard; Gibson, the laid back island man; The Short Deep Pocketed Saudi, the short deep pocketed Saudi; and, of course, a test-tubed shaped popsicle of sperm.

That's quite a collection, all seven of them.

Wait a minute . . . Seven strangers. Picked to live in a house. Work together and have their lives taped. To find out what happens. When people stop being polite. And start finding out who the real father of Dannielynn is.

The Real World -- I might have banged the late Anna Nicole Smith.

I haven't decided if paternity should be established by a series of physical and mental challenges, an audience vote or actual science.

Death Watch: That Russian music download site

The last 24 hours should have been a death watcher's paradise: There has been a high profile death. There was a jackal-like fight for the first photos and video of the body. Autopsy speculation gets any death watcher going, and a judicial ruling on who has jurisdiction over a corpse is a rare treat indeed.

Throw in a 1.5 billion dollar fortune that seems to kill all who might claim it, and now Zsa Zsa Gabor -- still kicking at 90 -- enters the fray. Spectacular stuff.

It almost makes up for the horrible news that has sent a jolt of despair through the morbid souls of music loving death watchers the world over: That Russian music download site, the one which almost gives its music away for free, is one step closer to losing its battle for survival with the fascist global overlords of the WTO.

Last night I went to download some music -- something peppy for when I sorted through the latest details of the untimely demise of Anna Nicole. I noticed my account had almost run out of funds. I tried to refill it, but I was told the site no longer accepted my kind of credit cards. Nor were they accepting third party payment options, like paypal, as they had been before.

The only way to buttress my account was through Diners Club card.

Diners Club. This death watcher was almost certain the charge card of choice for the grey flannel suit wearing traveling businessman set of the fifties had died long ago.

It lives. Unfortunately, in North America, Diners Club has partnered with MasterCard and now uses MasterCard's 16 digit account number -- making it useless for vendors that don't take MasterCard.

Meaning that Russian music download site, the greatest thing to ever happen to this twisted World Wide Web, is officially dead to my North American self.

I will be checking periodically for a resurrection -- it's happened before. I'm not holding my breath this time.

There are rumors of new deep-pocketed owners coming in and saving the blessed site with some sort of half-way compromise.

But I'm sure a website that has managed to make itself a pariah at the highest levels of international governance isn't as attractive an acquisition as say . . . a five month old baby worth up to 1.5 billion dollars.

Did Rosie kill Anna Nicole?

Rosie O'Donnell blasts Anna Nicole Smith on Rosie's popular morning show The View and hours later Smith OD's. Hmmm. Wonder if Smith was watching? Smith was obviously in a hotel room, and I know when I'm spending the morning in a hotel room the TV is going to be on.

That's why the classy thing to do is wait until someone dies to say nasty things about them.

Death Watch: Anna Nicole Smith likely dead

It's always sad when a 39-year old dies. But this one comes as no surprise. Anna Nicole Smith was the most out-of-control of train wrecks, and each time she stumbled through a public appearance it set abuzz the tight-nit community of death watchers.

Experienced death watchers were first introduced to Smith in 1994 when the then 26-year Playboy model married 89-year old oil billionaire J. Howard Marshall.

As expected Marshall died soon afterwards and Smith, in accordance with the oral will the late oilman left, inherited over 400 million dollars . Marshall's son sued and the money has been tied up in the legal system since. The endless appeals and change of venues reached the United States Supreme Court in 2005. The highest court in the land ruled Smith's claim couldn't be dismissed. The case is still pending. Now both Marshall's son and Anna Nicole Smith are dead. Justice will outlive us all.

Smith's rags to riches tale of rural Texas Red Lobster waitress to Playboy Playmate of the Year and the face of Guess? Jeans inspired certain segments of a large nation. Smith was best known for her large breasts and ditzy persona. She once starred in a popular reality show which bore her name and highlighted her large breasts and ditzy persona. Her death will not be a positive development for the controversial diet pill she endorses.

Anna Nicole Smith died in Hollywood -- Hollywood, Florida. In light of her trailer park roots and her lust for old people that sounds about right.