Britney Spears no longer looks like this

It's been a tough couple months for Britney Spears. Following her divorce from Kevin Federline -- which reminded a scornful nation that she was married to Kevin Federline -- Britney has been publicly dumped by her largest Internet fan club and there is late word her record label is contemplating doing the same.

Even more notoriously, the former pop-princess -- and eighth best selling female artist in American music history -- closed 2006 by embarking on a parade of pantyless* partying that was far less titillating than one would have imagined back when we met Britney as a barely-legal vixen wearing a Catholic school girl uniform and pouting over the end of a masochistic sexual relationship.

In fact, photographic evidence of her new unsanitary habit -- along with images of a certain former dictator at the end of his rope -- have made the Internet a far creepier place than it was before.

2007 has been even worse for Britney, with rumors of rehab bolstered by a new series of fully-clothed photographs so ghastly that chivalry and consideration for my readers have prevented me from linking them, and have sent me scouring the Internet for the best, most airbrushed photo of Britney I could find in hopes it would cleanse my eyes from what I had the misfortune of seeing.

Now the Las Vegas club that was going to pay Britney 400,000 dollars for appearing at their New Year's party is threatening to withhold payment because, by passing out and leaving early, Britney didn't fulfill her contractual obligation.

So, in addition to all of her other problems, Britney is now being held to a higher standard of business ethics than say . . . large American corporations fulfilling government contracts in Iraq.

Dark and breezy days for the former Mouseketeer.

*Because I'm not sure how to spell it (and don't think it's a real word,) I did a Google search to find out how others have decided to spell "pantyless." It's safe to say Britney owns "pantyless" like Tony Romo is about to own "butterfingers."

Death Watch: Saddam leaves them hanging edition

I went to bed last night safe in the knowledge that Saddam Hussein would be hung by Sunday and the rule of three -- the most sacred rule in all of Death Watching -- would reign.

But now the ingrates in the Iraqi government want to delay Hussein's execution by up to a month, leaving Gerald Ford and James Brown hanging, so to speak.

Since I'm not religious, I don't necessarily buy into the theory that when two prominent people die within a couple days of each other, but aren't quickly matched with a third appropriately prominent death, their two prominent souls must wander purgatory for an eternity.

But I will tell you this: When historians are forced to trio Ford and Brown with ne'er-do-well infielder Chris Brown -- whose claim to fame was missing a game for "sleeping on the wrong eye" -- it will constitute a stunning rebuke to the legacies of the 38th President and the "hardest working man in show business."

Four years ago the United States had the prescience to invade Iraq and capture and try for war crimes Iraq's world famous, despotic leader. Now when that same leader's timely execution could complete a proper send off for two great Americans it gets caught in some bureaucratic snag and might be delayed?

Sometimes you have to ask yourself -- what's the point?

The decline of the quill

Yesterday, Saddam Hussein's lawyers released a 5000 word letter the former President of Iraq penned while in prison. In the letter Saddam asks America to leave Iraq and predicts our overall demise. His prose is described as "rambling."

I can't blame Saddam for writing rambling letters. What else can you do when you are in prison?

I like to think Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has better things to do with his time. But Ahmadinejad also wrote a lengthy letter to America, President Bush in particular, back in May. At first there was hope this gesture would trigger a detente between the two nations.

It turned out the letter was simply "rambling."

Bush never wrote him back, so yesterday Ahmadinejad tried to make a new pen pal with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. In this latest letter he asks Germany for advice on dealing with "Zionism." Which is like asking OJ for advice on dealing with marriage. German officials are busy translating the whole of the letter.

Early returns center around the word "rambling."

Back here in the States the police in Columbine just released all the documents seized as evidence in the aftermath of the tragic school shooting that took place there in 1999. The pages reveal shooter Dylan Klebold as a letter writer with an over-developed knack for details.

There was a time the paper letter was the only way to communicate with someone who wasn't close enough to speak to. Technology has been chipping away at the letter's predomination so relentlessly that in past decade letter writing has been reduced to the eccentric, the elderly and the erudite.

Now, it has become clear the letter is on the verge of entering a new, unfortunate phase. The letter will soon be the exclusive domain of prisoners and madmen who like to expound on the mundane.

This needs to be considered if one has the urge to practice the oldest form of long-distance written communication.