Idle threat of the week

As a general rule, we don't like to recognize the ramblings of despotic, madmen types because the idle threat is just part of their shtick. It would be like if the award was called "Quietest Person of the Week" and we gave it to a mime.

Yet, during a week a despotic madman type claimed to have the ultimate weapon of mass destruction -- and then claimed he might use said weapon in response to the sanctions leveled against him for possessing it -- it didn't feel right to reward pop star Madonna for her threat to solve the orphan crisis in Malawi through a bevy of self-promotion, or to tap b-baller turned lone gunman Stephen Jackson for his threat to rid Indianapolis area strip clubs of "short-armed" handicapped pimp types.

As it stands today, last Monday Kim Jong-il called the world's attention to a "nuclear" test and then created an explosion equivalent to 500 metric tons of TNT. Or about 1/50th the power of India's nuclear test in 1998. Meaning either North Korea had a nuclear device of historically crappy proportions or it had 500 metric tons of TNT.

Even though the panel of judges were able to agree the Dear Leader was fair game this week, things got heated when we tried to gauge the idleness of his threat. And it gets to the definition of the word "idle."

If you define idle as lacking in basis, Kim Jong-il had it in spades once he harmlessly blew up what was probably the only faux-atomic weapon he had. But if you define idle as lacking in purpose it was quite the opposite seeing that his little Kabuki show freaked the world out big time. In the aftermath of the test he even received credit for a completely unrelated seismic event.

While not as impressive as scoring 114 points in the first half of an intramural basketball game or shooting a 34 for 18 holes, Kim Jong-il can add a very half-heartily awarded Idle Threat of The Week for October 9th to 15th to his otherwise Herculean list of accomplishments.

Myoglobin possibly makes celebutantes less catty

Kim Jong Il tried. But the latest seismic readings suggest his nuclear test may have been a dud. Or he was just getting rid of the bottle rockets left over from last month's independence day celebration.

The lil' fella had to go through the charade of blowing up a ditch to grab the world's attention. All Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie had to do was be seen together at a Los Angeles steakhouse.

While the world condemned Kim Jong's pyrotechnic psychosis, the world rejoiced when it learned the Simple Life co-stars had buried the hatchet after a nasty year-plus feud. What had put them at odds was never revealed.

I'm sure I wasn't the only one to note a steakhouse would be the last place you'd expect two super-skinny socialites to kiss and make up.

This got me thinking about famous unresolved feuds of the past. Soon I was trying to figure out the most improbable venues for would-have-been reconciliation of these historic conflicts.

Like if the Hatfields and McCoys had resolved their legendary backwood blood feud on a luxury locomotive ride between New York and Newport, or if Biggie and 2Pac had become boys during a round of golf at Augusta National Country Club.

A quick inventory of the current crop of important unresolved feuds reveal they almost all involve either Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan.

Meaning, these days, a safe bet would always be the steakhouse.

Rick Santorum says something fairly wise

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum might have some strange ideas about the animal-kingdom lust that lurks in the un-legislated heart of man, but he did have this to say about Kim Jong Il yesterday:

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il "doesn't want to die. He wants to watch NBA basketball.

Right on, Rick. It is well-known Kim Jong Il is a huge basketball fan, as well as an accomplished player. My sources tell me, despite his diminutive size, the North Korean supreme leader once scored 114 points in an intramural basketball game while attending the University of Malta.

In the first half, that is.

This continues a run of good fortune for the NBA. It wasn't long ago the league was wallowing in a post-Jordan ratings pity party while being held hostage by a madman of their own creation.

Out of the bong-smoke emerged a trio of young stars named LeBron, Dwayne and Carmelo. Soon a Germany who goes by Dirk joined the festivities.

Suddenly the NBA was back on top.

And now ... a missle defense shield protecting an entire nation.

Take that, all those who scoffed at the idea of an effective missile defense system.

I can only wonder what David Stern is going to be able to get from the government for this important service his league is providing us.

Bad idea jeans

When I realized they were ancient and defective, I decided to test the missiles publicly.

(to be read in a stereotypical East Asian accent)

Kim Jong Il ruins car ads

Over the past year, Volkswagen has released a series of excellent television advertisements, leading with a trio of wacky but hilarious spots which simultaneously lampoon stereotypes of Germans and the American "pimp my ride" car culture.

Next, VW got serious with a spot where the suddenness of a car crash is depicted in a way you'd never expect from a car commercial.

Most recently, to highlight their brand's "lack of ego," VW ran spots where owners of traditional luxury cars use mega-phones to scream their insecurities out their driver-side window.

Taken together it is impressive body of work by Crispin Porter. The VW ads are completely different from each other, but all equally unique and memorable when compared to the other ads on TV. Even better, I remember them as ads for VW.

My favorite ad of all-time takes place in a boardroom during a business meeting. Somebody suggests a way to solve a business related problem. It goes ignored. Then the boss makes the same suggestion but punctuates it with an authoritative hand gesture. The boardroom erupts in agreement. "You just said what I just said only you did this," the worker protests and tries to repeat the hand gesture." No I did this," the boss replies, mimicking the motion. Again the board room erupts in agreement.

CNBC ran the hand gesture ad every commercial break in 2001 and 2002. I was watching CNBC eight hours a day back then (not for pleasure) but was still amused every time the ad ran. Yet, I can't remember if it was an ad for IBM, Fedex, AT&T or UPS. I don't think I ever could.

Five years from now I'm sure I'll remember the VW ads as ads for VW. But I will also remember them for something else:

They sum up the developments of my thoughts on North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.

A first KJI was wacky and fun (at least to someone who didn't live in North Korea;) He was the world's greatest golfer, he proposed a whole new way to look at the opera, he designed many of the better buildings in Pyongyang -- all the while finding the time to drive his people into grass eating poverty.

Suddenly, there was the stark and jolting realization this madman could be on his way to developing rocket technology that would allow him to strike the United States with a nuclear missile.

But, after seven years of reading stories just like this without anything happening KJI is beginning to seem like a guy who has leapt, Dr. Strangeglove style, on a theoretical nuclear missile because that's the best way to grab the world's attention, which he needs to deal with his insecurities.

I'm not exactly sure where I stand on Kim Jong Il today -- he could be a complete nut-job who would never attack the US or his Asian neighbors because that would be suicidal and he's having too much fun with his golf and his opera to want to die. But then again nut jobs do nutty things. Or it could all be a plea for attention; which would cast doubt upon whether his claims of developing nuclear material and pending missile tests are credible enough to deal with on even a diplomatic level.

Currently, the merits of these different scenarios are being weighed in the halls State Department, as well as in think tanks and editorial boards around the nation and world.

It is likely I will be the only one searching the next Volkswagen ad for the answer.