Omissions of sin

For only the second time in 18 years "drinking beer" has been dethroned as the most "in" thing on college campuses, according to a market research study by Student Monitor of 1200 students from 100 US colleges.

"Ipods" were the big winner, with 73 percent of students declaring them "in," just nicking drinking beer and facebook.com each at 71 percent. Text messaging, drinking other alcohol, downloading music and bar hoping also rated highly among the college set.

Of course, Student Moniter has, for the 18th straight year, neglected to list as an option what the most "in" activity on campus really is.

Oral sex.

Split into giving and receiving it would still finish one and two.

If Student Monitor is a bit squeamish about taking such data, it's understood, although I notice they have no problem measuring alcohol habits, despite alcohol being illegal for most college students.

Anyway, oral sex is so mainstream these days. Oprah's all over it, crying "youth epidemic" and the leading opinion journals have chimed in.

So has hall-of-fame,* all-purpose opinionator Christopher Hitchens, blaming the dentists in this months Vanity Fair:

As one who was stretched on the grim rack of British "National Health" practice, with its gray-and-yellow fangs, its steely-wire "braces," its dark and crumbly fillings, and its shriveled and bleeding gums, I can remember barely daring to smile when I first set foot in the New World. Whereas when any sweet American girl smiled at me, I was at once bewitched and slain by the warm, moist cave of her mouth, lined with faultless white teeth and immaculate pink gums and organized around a tenderly coiled yet innocent tongue.

Good stuff. I feel the same way about moist caves.

But it's not just our talented dentists who are making oral sex the new sex. I understand those chastity promises the kids down South take have a sodomy loophole and most of the chaste prefer the least "intrusive" of the God-less bedroom activities.

Oral sex is here to say. Not only as the undisputed campus champ, but as the lure of the New World.

Ipod? I love my Ipod but in five years I won't even know what it is.

Drinking beer shouldn't fret. It is and will always remain an integral part of the campus oral sex process.

*Hitchens is first on my ballot. While his dense, unnecessarily verbose writing style often and always loses me, I never a moment doubt he can out-think and out-drink me. Making him the only person in the world I will concede that to.