Thursday, June 29, 2006

Pooty likes 'em young

If you are wondering what Russian President Vladimir Putin could possibly be up to in this photo, I regret to inform you he is going to pull that boy's shirt up and kiss* him on the stomach.

As if he senses what is about to happen, the "shy" and "astonished" boy tries to escape, but Putin wasn't taking no for an answer. What I find astonishing is how confidently Putin leaves the scene -- not an easy task when you have just molested a random child in front of a large crowd.

After speaking with my Russia expert this morning, I have gained valuable insight into what happened yesterday in that square.

Russia faces a bleak future, well-beyond the ego-bruising lose of super-power status. Expected to shed
a third of its population by mid-century, Russia may be on the verge of an Africa-like AIDS catastrophe and has developed a "dual economy," which makes it difficult for average Russians to afford basic amenities in urban areas. The fact most Russians are drunks is not a help.

Even though much of this decline has taken place during Putin's watch, he remains a wildly popular president. Advisors, baffled by this contradiction, have concluded Pooty-Poo has magical powers. Yet they suspect the country isn't fully benefiting from them.

The KGB will follow the boy around for the next few months, carefully noting any improvement in arithmetic, 50 meter dash, etc. This data will be compared with data collected from a growing pool of Russians of all ages who have had "personal" contact with Putin.

If the pilot program is deemed a success, Putin will spend the reminder of his presidency making "personal" contact with each and every Russian citizen. Experts say Russia's declining population make this a viable proposition.

When I asked my source if the "magic" is only transferred through lip-to-stomach contact, he paused and began to stammer.

He admitted the magic was just as likely to be transfered through a firm handshake.

The stomach kiss was a condition Putin placed on his participation in the program.

*Hit the link to see the horrifying video.

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