Snap judgment: The View

Regular readers of JSB know I've been watching the World Cup during lunch. I obviously haven't been following the tournament closely enough because I had no idea there weren't any matches scheduled for today. I figured this out only after toggling furiously between ABC, ESPN and ESPN2 for a good five minutes.

In absence of soccer, I settled on watching The View. Yesterday and this morning there was all sorts of hoopla surrounding a Barbara Waters/Star Jones feud that seems to have resulted in Jones abruptly quitting the show. How could I resist trying to figure out what the fuss is about?

Walters was not on the set when I tuned in 2/3rd's of the way into the hour-long show. It was mid-segment and a family of models were displaying the latest summer fashions. Co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the attractive wife of the more hair/less playing time brother Hasselbeck, was seated on a couch, interviewing an older, blond stylist whose revelation that each outfit was less than 70 dollars made the audience coo.

The stylist was also having some kind of effect on Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Elisabeth appeared flustered and couldn't stop touching her hair. The bar-room psychiatrist in me couldn't help thinking she might want the older woman's hotel room number. The more it happened, the more uncomfortable and weird it became to observe.

Luckily, co-host Joy Beher cut in with a joke about the models and their coordinated outfits that went along the lines of "a family who dresses alike doesn't have to talk to each other."

The audience laughed. Elisabeth and the stylist laughed. I laughed. Good times.

For the next segment someone named Dr. Ian Smith, who had a technique for losing 9 pounds in 8 days, was announced. The audience squealed. Ian Smith, I ruminated. Why does that name sound so familiar?

Former Prime Minister of Rhodesia! (Still alive and kicking, btw.)

I didn't really expect that Ian Smith, but when a handsome young black man sauntered onto the stage I realized this was another Ian Smith I had prior knowledge of. In fact I had just read a gossip item alleging this Ian Smith was having a homosexual affair with New York Giant great Michael Strahan. The alleging was technically coming from Michael Strahan's soon-to-be-ex-wife during a contemptuous divorce proceeding, but they printed the allegations in a real, dead tree newspaper so there's got to be something to them...

The wife of a backup quarterback and the gay lover of an all-pro defensive end sharing the same stage? They should replay The View on the NFL Network!

Dr. Smith didn't have much to say. His diet sounded suspiciously like the Atkins diet and I thought we had stopped doing that when an autopsy discovered Dr. Atkins arteries were more clogged than the Lincoln Tunnel.

The highlight of the rest of the segment was a joke Joy Beher made about how much she likes to drink.

In the last segment Barbara Walters made her first appearance, sitting down round-table-style with her two remaining co-hosts. Maybe all the press about her feud with the departed Star Jones had got to her, because Barbara looked all serious and journalisty -- like she was really sitting down with Nixon and Kissinger. Walter's inquiring glare made Hasselbeck tap her fingers nervously, but Beher casually cracked more jokes about getting drunk. Leaving me to ponder if Beher just went where the laughs are or has a serious drinking problem.

That was it. The View is not targeted to my demographic and I will not be going out of my way to watch it in the future. Nevertheless, my twenty minutes with The View were highly entertaining and I recommend it to anyone who has the time and the urge to watch late-morning talk shows.

The best part for me?

No nauseating diving during lunch.