Snap Judgement: Wal-Mart

I spent my hiatus at the family summer home, with the family. It was uneventful, save one very important new experience.

Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in the world. Yet, I had never seen the inside of the mega-store. Neither had my father or my brother. My mother claimed she had, but I think she was just showing off. (I have a sister too, but she lives in a land far, far away.)

The purpose of our trip to Wal-Mart was to procure the appliances and accessories necessary to complete a renovation of the summer home. The nearby city/town that housed the Wal-Mart shall remain nameless; but I will reveal its inhabitants fret and vent whenever a national magazine suggests where the quality-of-life conscious American should and shouldn't reside.

Like any American, I am apt at measuring large things by "football field. " At first glance inside a Wal-Mart, it became clear this particular unit of measurement was not sufficient.

I would have to up-shift my basis to "aircraft carrier."

I am not apt at measuring things by "aircraft carrier," having never been on one. So, let's just say if our aircraft carriers are anywhere near the size of this Wal-Mart, we had no need to annex Hawaii.

My family fanned out to search for a microwave and a television, among other things. I feared I would never see them again. Luckily, after 31 years of parenthood and 35 years of marriage, the folks have a sixth sense that allows them to locate their children and each other in large, maze-like structures. I would be remiss if I didn't mention yelling is incorporated into this sense.

I am sure the uninitiated are wondering what exactly can be purchased at a Wal-Mart? That is not the correct way to phrase the question.

Properly, it is "What can't be purchased at Wal-Mart?"

From what I could gather that would be an exotic pet, a four-year college education, and an eight-ball of cocaine. Everything else is available, often packaged in "lifetime supply" quantity.

Much has been made of the low-wage Wal-Mart pays its employees. Despite this, I found the Wal-Mart staff to be cheerful and attentive. The fact that much of the information they gave out was wildly inaccurate can be attributed to the unusual size of the store -- did I mention it was large?

In a relatively short period of time we found everything we needed and then some. There had been vaguely threatening talk of buying me a shirt appropriate to an unexpected "fine dining" outing that had been scheduled for later in the week. That purchase didn't happen, not because Wal-Mart's dry goods were deficient, but because Wal-Mart sizes their shirts in an alien (Arkansian?) numeric system.

We also hit a bit of snag in the checkout line. The checkout-lady became involved in a intense, time consuming, Bingo conversation with the woman in front of us. We waited that out, and made-up for it with a charming conversation we had with the same checkout-lady about the bowling league her husband was in.

I've heard Wal-Mart is destroying the quaintness of small town life. All I can say is I've never had a charming conversation of any kind with a check-out lady in the big, fancy cities I have lived. Rather than destroy, I would argue Wal-Mart is "encasing," Small Town, USA.

In an island nation-sized shell.

I haven't even mentioned the prices yet. They are INSANE (in a good-way.) I would recommend Wal-Mart on the prices alone. But when you throw in the scope, selection, the eighth-wonder size and the possibilities for anthropological observation, I end up highly recommending Wal-Mart to all.

Living year-round in an area where a Wal-Mart is easily accessible? That's another post for another day.