Wednesday, August 23, 2006

I love the 80's -- The Osama bin Laden edition

It turns out super-villain Osama bin Laden harbors a not-so-secret flame for Whitney Houston. Whitney's been looking a little ragged lately, but as far as the medieval cave-dweller is concerned it is still 2001 and Whitney hasn't crawled that far up the crack pipe.

Like any good American, I've been trying to figure out how our government could exploit Osama's crush. Suddenly it came to me in the form another cultural touchstone of the 80's, the John Hughes film
Sixteen Candles.

Towards the end of the movie big-man-on-campus Jake Ryan convinces his prom queen girlfriend that the school-geek Farmer Ted is actually him just by telling the hopelessly inebriated blonde that he is Farmer Ted and Farmer Ted is he. So convincing was this simple technique the evening ends with a pleasurable sexual experience for Farmer Ted.

I figure all we need to do is convince Whitney Houston that Osama Bin Laden is actually her long-time hubby, bad-boy
Bobby Brown. This should be no problem as long as the government keeps plying the former pop princess with CIA grade crack. (They'd also have to get her a little sun and fatten her up intravenously so she would at least resemble a shadow of her former self.)

Then we would drop her in the Tora Bora region and tell her Osama/Bobby is in a cave somewhere consorting with a bunch of
chicken heads. Whitney, with all of the flair and tracking ability of a Black woman scorned, would find Osama/Bobby in no time. Osama, thinking Whitney had come to him to find the "truly Islamic" destiny he had always envisioned for her, would take her in no questions asked.

That's when the tracking device and Hellfire missile come into play. We lose Whitney too but, you know, War on Terror.

While nobody still thinks killing Bin Laden would make much a difference, it would be nice to see Whitney Houston remembered for doing honest, noble work and not for being hunched over in an alley somewhere.


Anonymous said...

If she ever earns a private audience with Bin Ladin, Whitney might have to make some "culturally appropriate" adjustments to her song catalog.

To wit:

"I Wanna Dance with Somebody" becomes "Dancing is for Infidels"

"So Emotional" becomes "Emotions are an Indulgence of Infidel Pigs"

"I'm Your Baby Tonight" becomes "I'm Your Wife Tonight, But Then I've Got a Few Nights Off"

...etc etc

Katie T said...

Better yet - send Whit loaded down with lots of govt grade crack and get Osama hooked. Before you know it we'll find all of the weapons of mass destruction and Osama at the local pawn shop making a weapons for crack money trasaction. OR get Whit hooked on meth - send her to Osama with all the ingredients necessary to set up a big meth lab and wait - undoubtedly the meth lab will explode taking out Big O, Whit, and the rest of the cave dwellers.

JT said...

Whitney would also have to write new lyrics for her classic "Greatest Love of All." It would no longer be an ode to oh-so-Western self-esteem. Instead it would be in praise of llah and Osama's favorite goat, alternately.

JT said...

If Whitney gets Osama hooked on rock all those that were saying The CIA was flooding the inner-city with crack just for fun will have to shut up and apologize.

The CIA -- always one step ahead.

Anonymous said...

Using the simplest solution is often the best theory, send Whit with a sack of hydro. O-dog will sit around talking about getting the infidels, occasional order a pizza and once in a while traumatize his Johnny-on-the-spot younger brother by almost letting his wallet go through the wash.

Anonymous said...

Because people occasionally don’t know what I’m talking about, click on “Wallet” (bottom left of the bellow address) for a top notch anti-marijuana advertisement.

Katie T said...

Well - washing wallets is pretty serious stuff...I'm glad they had a PSA about it...
{ahem - yeah, right}