Monday, November 13, 2006

Idle threat of the week

After an contentious election season, a tired nation begs for congeniality and a cessation of negativity. Although the panel of judges who choose the Idle Threat of the Week tend to be either fiercely nonpartisan or cluelessly apolitical, we still decided to do our part in ending the divisiveness by addressing a problem that many people have with our prestigious award.

When our judges return home to their constituencies, they often hear the question, "With so many real and horrifying threats facing our world, why does a panel made up of such an esteemed group of thinkers chose to focus on the 'idle' threat -- the most trivial and ridiculous of all threats?"

In the spirit of reconciliation, we decided to shake things up this week and award the most valid threat instead of the most idle one.

Kevin Federline's alleged rapping career has made him a perennial candidate for the traditional award, but his recent threat to release an alleged four hour
sex tape shot with now-ex-wife Britney Spears catapults him to the top of the list during this bizzaro week.

To quell any doubts of the tape's existence, Federline leaked a 19 second clip to the "Internet." Some of the panel thought a sex tape might be just what Brit's career needs, and she may even be a party to the scheme. That notion was quelled big-time after a review of Spear's surprisingly robust finances and the realization that a four hour amateur sex tape couldn't be flattering to even the best, non-airbrushed of us.

"Fed-ex" is rumored to have an offer of 64 million dollars for the tape. To lock the tape away, he is seeking an extra 17 million dollars from an "iron-clad"pre-nup as well as, cruelly, custody of their two children. So far he has already reaped the (not) Idle Threat of the Week for November 5-12.

Real threats often come with lessons: This week's lesson is love can be fleeting, but video tape lasts forever.

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