The Donald executes a flawless publicity stunt

So Donald Trump didn't fire still-Ms. USA Tara Conner. Instead he gave her the great American second chance and she got on TV and told everyone what a compassionate pageant God The Donald is, and how she is sorry for everything -- especially the millions of impressionable children she didn't consider.

Tara's off to rehab now -- I heard it cured Mel Gibson of the paranoid ranting and Mark Foley of the gay -- and will be placed on a "zero tolerance" period of probation.

For me the whole ordeal is bittersweet. On the one hand, it is nice to see Tara get a second chance, especially when she looked so distraught and cute crying at the press conference.

Who among us, as a 20 year-old pulled from the hills of Kentucky and deposited under the bright lights of New York City, wouldn't do a lot of blow and constantly make out with our Miss Teen USA roommate?

Still, Trump's surprising verdict brings me a certain sadness. For one, it almost guarantees that Tara will be too busy with her rehab and Miss USA responsibilities to attend the jsb New Year's party. Even if she was able to squeeze it in, zero tolerance Tara would be a tease and a buzz kill.

But, more importantly, this was the first time I have ever been able to enthusiastically get behind our reigning Miss USA. Knowing Tara Conner represented the young women of our nation allowed me to walk around my apartment with pride. Yet now they officially tell me the qualities I admired in Tara were unacceptable and wrong. I feel like a stranger in my own country. Is this what it's like to be black?

The worst part of it is I have the sinking suspicion that all of last week has been part of a Donald Trump plot to ingratiate himself to the young beauty queen and, eventually, make Tara Conner wife number four.

If he does, I'm moving to France.