Idle threat of the week

The panel of judges who decide Idle Threat of the Week talk a big game when it comes to the idleness of threats that are directed at others. But it's a not-so-well-held industry secret that those who spend their days evaluating threats for a lack of veracity eventually become, themselves, susceptible to the most ridiculous threats of all. You know how doctors are often hypochondriacs? Think that and then subtract most of the logic, the years of schools, the respected position in society and the generous compensation.

So the panel met in my apartment last night, as we do every Sunday. We decided to watch The Sopranos before getting down to the business of idle threats. Bad idea. I don't know about you but, in light of what happened a week ago, the fact the mob drama "coincidentally" introduced us to a psychotic 20-something short-haired Asian mental patient last night just spooked the bejesus out of the entire panel. Because, let's face it, it isn't everyday you see an Asian on television in any capacity.

By the time the episode ended, with the nonsensically maladjusted Carter Chong erupting in a fit of violence, the entire panel was completely unnerved and contemplating a lifetime without dry cleaning or the legal services of superstar forensic scientist Dr. Henry Lee.

To make matters worse, right after the show ended, I heard a pronounced banging sound coming from my utility closet. While not large enough for a psycho Oriental, the closet is plenty big for a mouse or a rat or a rabid hyena. To make matters even more worse, because the light bulbs in my living room were, typically, all burned out, I only had the glow of the television to investigate what was going on.

When I finally gathered the courage to open the door we all learned a leaking pipe was the culprit. (I hate to lift the curtain, but I live in squalor.) This might not seem as scary as diseased varmint, but those who pick idle threats live in constant fear of ironic death. Imagine the headline: Leaky Pipe An Idle Threat? Not So, As Panel Of Judges Perish In Freak Flood.

Well, the panel of judges imagined it and yada, yada, yada, there is no Idle Threat for the Week for April 16-22 and I'm really tired and cranky. Mostly dry, though. We will all try to pull ourselves together in time for next week's award.