Monday, May 07, 2007

Flack falls on sword, will miss out on the prison sex

These days, when the bells of resignation toll, the beleaguered party -- whether it be Alberto Gonzales, Paul Wolfowitz or Ehud Olmert -- is much more likely to stubbornly stick around, wagons circled, and keep deflecting the blame for as long as he can, than he is to flash the double victory sign for the last time and allow the helicopter to take him away.

But there is still one man who still understands the way things once were:

Elliot Mintz has been a high-profile flack for over thirty years, representing such luminaries as Bob Dylan and Yoko Ono. Mintz, who looks and sounds like a really gay version of Dick Cavett, is the fellow you've seen in various John Lennon/Beatles documentaries saying things along the lines of "who's to say Yoko Ono's contributions to the Beatles didn't match those of Paul McCartney."

Lately Mintz has undertaken the unenviable task of spinning the simple life and times of lazy-eyed celebutant Paris Hilton. As you've probably heard, last Friday Paris got slapped with a shockingly harsh 45 day jail sentence for driving on a suspended license -- to be served in its entirety in a prison for common felons.

According to court testimony, Mintz took responsibility for the "misunderstanding," stating he reads all of his client's mail for her and had incorrectly told Paris she was still able to drive for work-related reasons. The judge rejected his testimony as "worthless," even though a tearful Paris made the thoroughly believable claim that "I just sign what people tell me to sign."

Now Mintz has accepted his fate and is no longer representing Paris Hilton. Maybe the Japanese-born Ono schooled Mintz in the ancient samurai art of falling on one's sword, or hara-kari.

Whatever it was, it's too bad the dutiful Mintz won't be around to control the media auction when Paris emerges, tales of sapphic-tinged horror in tow, from what promises to be a prison term as lucrative as it is real.

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